Why I left New York, Love Island FINALE debrief and Anxious Attachment Styles - Ep 29

Welcome to a My Too Loud The Podcast. Hey OddFam, welcome back to a My Too Loud The Podcast with Sophie, aka the Mother Freaking Audity. And if you don't know, a My Too Loud The Podcast is on the road, we are on the road. I am currently in London. I'm currently in Battersea Power Station. I think I'm going to look outside. Hold on, let me take a drink real quick. I've been loving this whole, this whole like ASMR moment. If you're watching on YouTube, you'll understand what I mean because I'm drinking matcha right now. It's green, tastes like grass, it has two pumps of vanilla syrup in it. Oh, it's true, it's not bad matcha, but I'm in Battersea Power Station. If you're on YouTube, if I look to my left a lot in this video, it's because my cousin is staying with me right now at this hotel. And he is currently going to be in and out of the hotel room and I want to make sure he doesn't affect the audio. So I'm going to be like, you know, looking to make sure that the door is in opening. It doesn't interrupt. So I don't interrupt my flow. I also want to confess that I already actually started recording this episode. And I was about 20 minutes in, okay, maybe like 10, 10 minutes, 15 minutes in. And I realized I didn't press record again on the freaking mic. And you know what I did? I started over. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I think four episodes ago, I was in Ghana and I did an episode with Endurance Grand, an icon, a legend. She's the moment. And in the episode, again, I'm also on the road. So I am learning all of this on the go. Like this podcast is truly rough and tumble. And I forgot to press record on the mic setup. So half of the first half of the episode is just, it's not terrible audio quality, but it's not the best audio quality. And I just did the exact same thing now and I'm not going to lie to you. Literally before I started, I hit record said, don't forget to hit record on the freaking mic. Well, guess who forgot to hit record again? Me. So you know what? I was going to be like, oh, it's going to be fine. We can fix it in post. No, because you know what we're going to do? We're going to keep things fresh and we're going to keep things started. So Endurance, if you're listening to this or watching this, I am so sorry, baby. I am so sorry, okay? She did tell me the last time to re-shoot the episode and I was just too lazy. It was dark. It was raining. She has a leg injury and I just felt really bad. I was going to make her yap again for 30 minutes. I just could not get myself to record that episode. So I just didn't. And I technically don't have that guilt in this episode because it's just me talking. So you guys didn't know any of that, but I want to give you some context as to why I feel I don't know. I just want to give you context. I'm really proud of myself for catching that because that would have been rough. Don't would definitely have been upset at me. So first of all, I'm too loud. It's definitely on the road. How am I feeling guys? It's been a journey to get here. So let's talk about it real quick because I feel like no matter how many times I tell you guys, I am a no mad now. I'm leaving New York. I'm still going to get the questions on my vlog channel on TikTok and Instagram on YouTube. Where am I living? What am I doing? Am I okay? My mom is called me. She texted me the other day and said, we need to talk on the other day, like earlier this morning. And I was like, we need to talk. First of all, can we talk about that? People that send, we need to talk messages. Why? In the history of the world, nobody who was ever received it, we need to talk message. I was never responded with, okay, whenever you're ready. No. If I ever get to it, we need to talk message. My heart is in my anus, anus, in a gland. I don't know. Whatever is up there. My heart is in there. I'm already freaking out. I'm upset. I'm worried. I want to talk to me about that you couldn't probably pick up the phone. Call me. The point is, once I'm here, we need to talk message. So I'm like, okay, first things first, what have I posted in the last 10 days? So this is me like literally going through every single thing and being like, okay, what could she possibly want to talk about? We've already had a conversation. She knows how I feel about certain things. All for this woman to be like, she wants to know what my plans are. And I'm like, what do you mean? She's like, she's just, she's worried about me. She feels like I don't have a home that one of my plans when I leave London, where am I going to go? Who am I going to live with? And I realize the concept of being a nomad, especially for a black young woman, isn't popular, right? Right guys? Like, people seem worried about me. I am fine. So let's talk about it real quick. This is the story behind why I'm doing what I'm doing. And I feel like you guys should have heard this before my vlog channel, but I'm going to do a quick synopsis. My lease ended June 30 this year at 2025. When I moved to America, I moved to America when I was 17. That was about 2014 as an immigrant. This is a story or the story is old as time. Every immigrant would tell you there is no time once you hit that clock where you are ever at peace. And what I mean, the clock is the clock that is running down the time till when you were either a citizen of the country, you're in or you have to leave that country to further something else. So I came to America in 2014 as an immigrant. My goal when I came here was to go to school, okay? I go, what's to go to school? Anyone will tell you if you're going to school in America, you don't have to luxury as an international student to be enjoying school, especially if your parents don't come for money. You're supposed to figure out how you're going to get the job at the end of the school year, right? So you're a freshman. You're thinking of internships, your freshman summer. You're thinking of internships, your sophomore year, you're applying for those. You're thinking about what to say for the summer. You're thinking about the plan. For someone like me when I was in college in America, I didn't have money. My family didn't have one. My mother didn't have one. This was for me. It was crazy expensive. Still is. Honestly, it's never worse now. So during the summers, I'm thinking, okay, I have to apply to be a resident assistant with a summer. And he's applied to live here in the summer to make money. Like, that's how I was thinking. At no point, was I ever at peace? So I have spent the past 10, 11 years being so intentional. I've never lived in the fucking moment. Since I was 17 years old, I have never lived in the fucking moment. I have not gone on family vacations. I've not gone on trips. I couldn't afford trips. I mean, the trips I used to go to in college, I used to bully me. They threw me out of a fucking car in Miami. Because I went to a fucking trip with some girls who did not give a flying fuck about me. Because I wanted to at least say, oh, I went on spring break once. I couldn't afford that. Let me not get too riled up. The point is, as an immigrant to an international student, that was the story of my life. I spent those years working and then got a job. I got started social media. I was still working because now you got to get a green car and you become a citizen. And then you can breathe. And even now, I don't have anything that's true anymore because we have who shall not be named Harry Potter reference in office. And if you're wondering, by the way, why don't talk about P-O-L-I-T-I-C-S on my P-O-D-C-A-S-T-S? It is because of my G-R-E-E-N-C-A-R-D-C-A-N-B-E-R-E-V-O-C-K-E-D-P-O-T-E-N-T-I-A-L-L-Y-M-A-Y-B-E-I-S-H-O-U-L-D-N-T-A-L-I-K-N-G-A-B-O-U-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T-I-T- Because it was thunderstorming this morning, then the sun came out, when I was having a good time, now the sun is out, and it started raining again, now the sun is coming out, because I thought, okay, now the weather is perfect, I can record the podcast is going to affect the lighting, now the sun is about to start peaking girl, you better stay where you're staying, don't come out too much, I get distracted ADHD. I have been intentional as fudge about where I live, what I do, what my opportunities are, you've seen me chase my dream, I mean, if you follow my vlog channel, you have seen me chase my dreams in real time, you saw me get my master's, you saw me start my new job, you saw me go full time as an influencer, you saw me do all these things, I can find a fucking Lee breath. Well, my lease ended, I remember the first day, I went to bed at the hotel room, I was staying at, and I woke up in a panic, I have anxiety, mild anxiety, actually, I have, what is it, what is my therapist say, I have severe anxiety, mild depression, I think that was like two years ago, so I feel like that diagnosis must have changed, especially the depression part, I woke up with anxiety, I mean, like I was about to go into a full panic attack, I was freaking out, why in God's name, did you not get a house, and if you're following my vlog channel, you know, I've been touring houses at the same time, and I was like, what is it, what is it, what is my therapist say, I have severe anxiety, mild depression, I think that was like two years ago, so I feel like that diagnosis must have changed, especially the depression part, I woke up with anxiety, I mean, I was about to go into a full panic attack, I woke up at the same time, like that's why I mean, but I'm always planning, I was touring, I told myself, oh, you're going to travel for six months, you're going to go to LA, you're going to go here, you're going to do that, you're going to go this, you're going to go backpacking, the moment something went wrong, I immediately went back to, okay, we're going back to square one, we're going to get a house, we're going to go sit in Jersey, we're not going to go, that was a meet, I was like my comfort zone. My lease, when my apartment was all packed up, I said goodbye, I woke up in a panic, and I did the first thing I typically do every morning, and I think I've said this a little bit on my vlog channel, I checked my bank account, and I don't know if anyone does this or has ever done this, I'm going to tell you why, and I don't say this to brag or anything, I hope you know that, I say this to explain to you how deep and dark my life was. I mean, I didn't have anything when I first came to America, I mean, my mom is a single mom, we come from a well to do family, but I wouldn't say my mom was well to do enough for me to survive living in America by myself, I don't even remember her being able to send me any sort of money that was substantial enough, maybe like $200 or $150 every three or four months, honestly, she just didn't have it. I went on a scholarship, master's scholarship, all of that stuff, and I worth my ass off through my master's degree, through my bachelor's degree, I remember friends would tell you, I would drink Gary Tibet, if you know what Gary means, if you know, I would do a lot of things to survive, and for me, this habit of waking up and checking my bank account was a thing that I used to do, so at least see what I had to do to survive that day. That's where the habit came from, there are days I will open it and I'll sometimes I, okay, first of all, sometimes I never used to open my bank account because I knew there wasn't any money there, but I didn't want to be confronted by that. So instead, even if I knew I'd been overdrafted, I would off all my notifications, I'll still spend knowing fully well that there was no money in that account, because what can I do? And at some point I started reading books about financial responsibility, and they said the first thing you should do if you're struggling with your finances is confront the problem. So what I started doing to confront the problem was look at my bank account, like it's like a thing I do every morning, I open my shameless plug, chase app, my amics, my capital one, my discover, I would open all those accounts, I'll be like, okay, this is what we have today, this is what we're working with, how can we move forward? And it's become a habit that I used to do when I didn't have anything, and it's so the habits I still do when I now have something. And for me, I think that day when I woke up in a panic, I remember looking at my bank account and going, okay, you're okay, because I woke up really anxious and I remember looking at it and I go, okay, and look at it said, if I was to live in this hotel room from now until the end of the year, I would still be comfortable enough to survive with money still coming into me working. So that means you're okay, Sophie, the plan still works, you said you don't want to pay $6,000, $7,000 for rent anymore for one bedroom in New York, you said you want to travel and see the world, you're going to be back, you're going to come back, but first you said you wanted to go to London for the first time, it's okay to do that. And that's exactly what I did. I just said, I'm going to be this anxiety and I'm going to travel and it's been two weeks since I did that and I have no fucking regrets. I'm so excited for you all to see the episodes on bots of film. I mean, I have some really, really cool people who are actually my friends coming on the podcast. I'm prioritizing my second season being me and my friends having conversations. I think the starting season two with my mom was really special to me because my mom is like the closest person to me. If you understand my story, you know, I'm important having my mom's approval was and then having endurance come up next and then having done all of course as always, having colony. If you can see the trend, these are people who are really, really close to me because I'm like some of my best friends coming on the show. I don't want to just have folks who I'm not close to because first of all, I don't think I'm into the interview host guests vibe yet yet. Hopefully, maybe season three is when I'm like, let's bring on the bit guns. Okay. So the two I think is more of like, let me show you guys who my friends are because I think I have some really cool friends, but I also like have friends who are very different people from me who are different people from what you guys are used to. I think me and my friends have really cool conversations and I want you guys to be a part of that. And I also think that my podcast is really special. So I think it would be a disservice to myself. I tried to make this what it wasn't by trying to bring people on that. Although I'm friendly with or I'm cool with aren't necessarily people who I would be like besties with. So I think I'm bringing on my besties. So the next episodes are going to be really cool because I might too loud. It's on the road. Um, so yeah, anyways, that's a pretty long intro, but I think we love our intros and the right to follow episodes because what are we talking about in two days episode? I think you can already see by the title. I think we're going to be talking about love Island today. We're talking about anxiety and anxious attachment styles love fucking Island. Love Island, Huda, Hamaia, Ace, Taylor, Landria, Nick, Niko, Landria, Niko, Landry, Yuck. Oh, yeah. I have so many thoughts. But first, let me preface this freaking video by saying, okay, I didn't know what any episode. Let me explain. Let me explain. I just can't sit through it. Guys, I have anxiety. I can't do it. It gives me stress. It makes me freak out. Shout out to the people on TikTok. I do the love Island debrief. Let's get into it. Love Island debrief episode debrief. I do the episode recaps. I do the first looks. The last looks. I do everything else. But watch the episode. I've been vote. I watch all the recaps. The scene cuts. I do everything else. But watch the full episode. And I know I know my opinion shouldn't matter because I didn't watch the full season through that's fine. You don't have to listen to my opinion. I'm still going to say my freaking opinion because you're on my podcast. You're on my podcast. So you have to listen to me. Okay. Okay. First of all, I was a Niko Landria stan. Even before you guys see it, I was Niko Landry from the day. Like the first episode dropped. And she said the comment. I don't have any breast milk or something like that. I said, oh, that white man likes black women. Also, also, I feel like I only said this on my close friends and I don't want to get in trouble. So my editing team don't cut this out. Leave it. Don't put this in a real or teaser. Niko follows me. He likes black women. Guys, Niko, Niko, well, not Niko Landry, but Nick has been following me since March 2024. I went back to my preaching. I was like, what did I post in March 2024? That made that man follow me. And I realized maybe nothing, nothing crazy. Maybe probably something around like a trip. I don't know. The point is I saw that he's been following me since March 2024, which means that boy likes himself a black woman. Or he supports the culture. He supports black women. And he just seemed like a cool guy. I'm not wanting to give white men their props. I'm just really not. I have beef with mediocre white men for a reason. However, Nick, when he said that breast milk comments, I remember I swear. I literally said, oh, he really, really, really, really, really, really likes her. Okay. So I'm team Niko Landry all the way. I saw it from the beginning. I definitely feel like Nick could have handled his situation with Sierra better, but also will say as a black woman. So many times when I know when a white guy thinks I'm attractive, but I also know when he doesn't have the balls to make them move because he thinks I wouldn't like him. And I think the way Alandra portrayed herself. He said it abundantly clear. She wanted a dark skin chocolate Southern man. And then Taylor was the dark skin chocolate. So that boy had a cowboy hat on in that heats in the heat. He kept that cowboy hats on in Fiji. He probably was swimming with that cowboy hat on. There was no way in God forsaking Fudge in Earth that she got Nick would think he had a chance. There was no way. So I think for all of those reasons, Nick was never going to make a move unless Alandra showed him that there was a path there. I think she was the kind of girl who was going to be this loyal or fight for a white boy, like girl. End of us doing that. So I understood him not trying to fight and just like accepting. Like every interaction we saw of him and Sierra, you could tell he was just accepting it. He was like, this is where my journey is. This is my last bus stop. I'm going to stick to it. I mean, like every bombshell that came in Nick went to the bombshell. He was not trying to hide it. Right. And also the Taylor situation with Alandra is a perfect example of a black guy not liking a dark skin black girl and being too. I don't want to use the word selfish, but being too selfish. I'm going to use the word selfish. I'm not telling her to her face. Because I feel like every time he made comments about no liking Alandra, it was never too Alandra. It was to his boys to the camera never actually to her. So I think this is she made was based off of the fact that she thought he really liked that they had a thing they were slow burning. But Cordell and Serena slow burn the entire fucking season until she crashed out and then he fell in love with her even more. She probably thought, oh, this is the same thing is going to happen to me. We're all probably reasonable people. And that didn't happen. I understand that. I would also say it makes sense that Taylor likes Clark. It just makes sense. I also want to point out that I'm really not talking about any of the white couples. And it's not a prejudice thing. It's just a interesting like, unless it was like a boom. I can see the love in your eye. What's the white couples for this season, which wasn't a law, honestly. This is a very diverse season, guys. If I think about it, this is a very diverse season. Anyways, I got distracted. The point is Nicolandra nation for the win. Now you're probably wondering, okay, Sophie, did you just want to talk about Nicolandra as a thing? I actually wanted to talk about attachment styles in this episode. If you don't know what attachment styles are, meet neither do I. Give me a second. I'm joking. I visited my cousin in Manchester. I surprised her this weekend. And my cousin is a big attachment style person. Like, I'm telling you like, she literally, I think after the surprise, 10 minutes later, she goes, what's your attachment style? And I was like, I think I know it because I was in a situation once where I vaguely found a tick talk that referenced the person having a different attachment style to me to explain that behavior. But she explained it to me even more. So I went to Google as always, there are four sort of like buckets of attachment styles. So here anxious avoidance dismissive or avoidant fearful or people call them secure anxious preoccupied avoidant dismissive fearful disorganized. So basically dismissive secure fearful anxious secure attachment styles are oftentimes, you know, you have healthy boundaries, you have mutual trust and support. You've able to like to sort of do controlled conflict resolution anxious. You have a fear of abandonment. You need constant validation. You're dependent on your partner for yourself worth dismissive avoidant is you avoid intimacy and vulnerability commitment issues and guarded and close closed heart. Fearful avoidant, you know, your fear of rejection, hard time trusting and relying on your partner and low self esteem. Now you can have a mix so you can be secure anxious. You can be secure dismissive in terms of like you could be securing a relationship, but maybe also you also might maybe have committed issues because you have a secure yourself, but you still want to know if you can trust the other person to be good to you. So like, of course with everything is always gray areas, nothing is black and white. I see all that to say, I learned you had a anxious fearful avoidance style and the person who has been causing all the drama is Huda and actually have a very interesting take on Huda's behavior in the villa. We're going to talk about it from the perspective of Kuda is a very like anxious avoidance fearful attachment style and I am also anxious, fearful avoidant. Now here's the thing. I see a lot of comments of women going, oh my god, Huda reminds me of me. So because of that, I relate to her. I want to support her shots your fucking mouth up. Just tweet. That's no, that's don't because you can relate to someone doesn't mean you support them. You're working on yourself. You should be working on yourself. I am tired of seeing comments with people like, oh, this bad character reminds me of me. Let me suppose it's bad character. We know is bad character. Why are we supporting it? Because everything she did in that villa is bad character. It's inexcusable. She was in that bed counting down for Chris. I am so sorry, by the way, if you don't watch love Island, the middle 30 minutes of the episode will probably be so annoying for you. But I promise I'm going to try to make it make sense for people who don't watch the episodes of watch love Island. Because I think what I'm going to essentially try to do is connected to relationships and attachment styles and whether if anything you get something out of it, right. So as I was saying, Huda is a person. I was going to say character, but she's an actual human being who went on love Island. And Huda is Arab Palestinian. I don't know where her descendants. I shouldn't remember that up. But she's of course she's not she's brown. Yeah, I will say that. She's beautiful, absolutely stunning, gorgeous. She's a fitness influencer. She has a daughter. She's amazingly beautiful. And from the first episode, you can see how immediately latch onto another person who was Jeremiah. Jeremiah is the typical definition of an avoidant except I would also argue that Jeremiah could also be a secure avoidant who might also have some communication issues. So you see what I mean by nothing is black and white things are great because I know Huda knows she's hot. She went for the hottest guy in the room. And I think both of them immediately saw each other as their type and they immediately went into love bombing. And as someone who is a anxious attachment style person love bombing can make me feel safe. And then when it stops, it just throws you for a spiral. And we saw in real time this girl go from being so secure a little bit for the first two days into going into a freaking spiral and crying every day. Hating on the people coming because they love island if you've never watched it, you have bombshells who come into the villa when people are established as couples and the main jobs of these bombshells are to find and be in a couple. So the person who actually won the season was a bombshell ended up winning. She actually won with a bombshell too, which is really cool. So yeah, I don't know if bombshell Brian. Brian was like everyone's one of my answer when when I think about myself to I never really thought I had an anxious attachment style because I had never actually been. Interested in commitment to that extent, so I've always been very protective of myself, which some could also argue is the fearful avoidant part of me too, because I also have a fearful avoidant for a type of style, which is my fear of commitments, my fear of trust, my fear of like, I don't want to be interacting with you like leave me alone. Right, anyone knows me like Sophie's very much stay away from me. I'm okay. I'm good. Don't bring your nonsense to me. But then when I fall, I fall really hard and then I get insecure. Do you not care about me? Do you love me? Do you hate me? Why don't you want to hug me? Why don't you want to touch me? Why didn't you tell me good morning today? And that's where a lot of people, especially someone with an avoided attachment style means whoa, whoa, whoa, you're doing too much. And I saw that play in real time. I think towards end of the episode when Hoda and Jeremiah, the guy who I was very stressed and loved with ended up leaving the villa because it was a very toxic situation for both of them, especially in an unregulated environment like that was very crazy. And then Chris is another black guy that Hoda ended up being coupled with messy, messy, messy situation ends up being coupled with this guy. The last scene I remember from Hoda and Chris is when she breaks up with him because he's slightly not given her the attention she wants. She's feeling insecure about it. I mean, he would do certain things for the people. She'll feel like why is he not doing it for her very toxic cycle with this girl. And even with him too, because you can tell that like he was trying his best to reassure her by some point to that reaches a limit. There's a middle ground. You can be anxious about things that you can want reassurance. He also needs to be able to live on your own and love yourself enough to know when you just look at accept what the other person is able to do for you and whether or not you're able to accept that for yourself. And with Hoda, you could tell she never really was able to do that. And so at some point where she breaks up her Chris, they're at this beautiful dinner. And she says when they break up, there's this water is like in a shallow, shallow, like barrier, right? She says, oh, you know what? Are you gonna pick me up? Oh, I'm gonna walk in the water. Something like that. And he's like, pick you up. Come in. So you can see how when he looked at her, he was like, no, like you just broke up with me. My feelings are her. I'm gonna carry your cross water. And I saw the reception of that online being like, oh my God, Chris is horrible. Terri, you could have picked her up. Why in causing with a man who you just broke up with pick you up to walk across the water that you are already walked across. He did not pick you up when you guys were together. Why would you pick you up when you're not together? And why are you weaponizing your tears in a way to get him to still do your bidding? I want to feel secure and attached to him. Do you see where that toxic tackle continues? So Chris walks away. She gets in, you know, in her feelings. And then come and she goes like, oh, this girl is spiraling and you can see that. I didn't have the day like she's gorgeous. He's gorgeous. They're both gonna end up gorgeous people with they don't, but I think my biggest thing is, unless they both especially her that unless she does a lot of healing, which she needs to do. I mean, she's a single mom too, right? If she does a lot of healing, maybe she's able to come outside of it, but all the commissions I've seen on her. She wants to call her daddy. Her and Maya want to call her daddy. The conversation I've seen is someone who the worst thing. Oh my God, we should talk about this guys. I was in a situation. I'm going to talk about it real quick. I was in a situation and I told you guys I'm anxious, right? And whenever I feel like my partner isn't giving me what I wanted, I would go to friends to come like complain about it. I would tell them what the partner is doing wrong. And I always felt like when people told me. I said when I saw couples say like, don't share your problems with the outside world. I was like, no, that's controlling like why would you why would they want that because then your partner is controlling you more. I didn't realize that as someone within an anxious attachment style, validation from the outside world makes you feel like your irrational feelings, which is mostly those feelings are mostly rational, your irrational feelings matter or important or if I call a friend, I tell a friend, oh, my partner hasn't called me at all today for someone with an anxious attachment style. That could mean well, typically my partner calls me five times a day if they're not working, but today they call me only twice a day. So because of that, I feel like they've not called me at all. And I want to comment on that because I'm sad about it because I really want them to call me on the speak to them. Your friend hears your partner doesn't care about you because clearly they're not calling you. They're not communicating. You should break up with them. The spiral continues. And I saw that a love with Huda where she would say he didn't make me breakfast or he gave this person pancakes with flowers. It didn't give me pancakes with flowers. Or she would say like, he didn't look at me when I went down the stairs. He always looks at me when I go down the stairs, picking at the little things without context. And they just rang a bell in my head of, that is interesting. And then for her to come out of the villa and seen the validation the public gave her she has about five million followers, I think now almost five million followers now is going to reinfirst that thing in her head of she's right. The feelings she had is right. Those people did her dirty rather than her questioning her emotions and her feelings as maybe I might have been doing too much. And for a podcast called Am I too loud or do I do too much because you guys know I always talk about like being like more and being yourself. It's okay to also say sometimes your emotions where too much sometimes regulating your emotion is a superpower that you need to learn to do. And you need she needs to learn to be more of a secure attachment because she if she loved herself enough. None of that would have happened she wouldn't have to question herself worth in crying because this man did not look at her. When she had the pretty dress on she would already know she's automatically hot. I think it was a scene where she said, well I'm hotter than all these other girls. That's just someone who's very very insecure talking. That's a lot of my personal experiences. I try to like connect the dots with this, but as always we have a video on TikTok of some of her crash outs. Let me see if I can bring it out. I was waiting to brush my teeth last night and then she was in the shower talk about that's big to say for Jeremiah. It kind of sounds like you want to drop Huda and like because she calls you a bitch in the shower last night. I feel like it's just kind of being given up on. I feel like it's hard for you to tell me for two weeks go explore and then I do explore and now I'm in the hot seat still for exploring. If I don't give Irish the time of the day I'm still in the wrong. Now if I do give Irish the time of the day I'm in the wrong because I had a strong connection with her. I all means explore. Oh my god. She's there she's fucking. Fuck you. Oh she just put somebody on. She clipped Jeremiah. I didn't choose to go on the big today and that's what I get. Well I've been I don't know. I just had some shit to the boys. What does she say? I don't know. I just saw a matter of little finger flies. He's a fucking bitch. What would you say? Because of the fact that he had a great day with Iris because of what we're going through. He's using her as a fucking escape go so that he can fucking stay in the game. Whoa he did not say that. I just sat there and listened to every fucking thing he was fucking saying. He did not say that. What are you saying girl? He's coming. Come, come, come. Come sit down. No, you're a fucking bitch. Come sit down. He's over here. You're a pussy ass bitch. Keep it classy like fuck you. Do you want to go down with the boys? I'm with them. I'm with them. I'm literally never trying to convince him to understand that I'm sitting here crying and he's going and having a great day And I was thinking about being with Iris Jeremiah should have comforted her on that night for sure Do you guys understand what we're talking about because He was just explaining his side of the story his perception of things And she saw that and took that as oh my god. You're a BICCH F you all of that stuff That to me I don't want to say the word insane because like of course that's disrespectful for a woman But understand that like that's what I mean about having an anxious attachment style and why that is so freaking problematic So problematic and so so so so so so many levels and I know I'm comparing myself to her right now I'm supposed to be like the anxious attachment style But I'm saying that in terms of I recognize the signs and I also recognize when someone is not trying to do the work To be better and I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope I hope I've not seen any proof of that I can't wait for the little violin reunion that I'm going to watch the four reunion That's a typical example of how like an anxious situation plays out because he simply was explaining his side of the story And she took that as he hates me He wants to explore somebody else because of our situation which is wrong And I'm going to then react and then be explosive that I think is so disrespectful And I think the way she constantly carried herself the entire time in the villa was just something that I Just was so disappointed by and I've been following every single creator on After love I and well following is very I shouldn't say that but um Shelley I know Landry specifically two black girls who We're ended up being labeled as bullies and being mean and because of course they're dark skin and you know Whatever there's been a lot of conversation around that guys. I'm tired You might think it's not that deep but being a black woman is a law, bro. I swear to you like We can't exist if we can't exist with grace. We can't exist with grace I'm sitting here trying to do a whole thing about how like Entatement style and work on anxiety and work on all these things But if you're a black woman you don't even have that luxury do you? You don't you don't have the fucking luxury of calling someone a b-i-t-c-h on camera and still getting five million fucking followers You fucking don't I mean Shelley just said she did not like the fact that Huda did what she did did not insult that girl Did not call her any names Simply said I didn't like how you did that you wouldn't have you would have hated it if we did that to Jeremiah anybody You're interested in and Shelley was labeled a bully Isn't that interesting? How is dark skin black women are emotions that constantly regulated And I'm talking right now about like my anxiety and my ashes attachment styles and I could honestly tell you That I have had partners who have given me the sort of like opportunity to just exist and be me People always ask me why I would never why I say people like okay, well, I've got like 10 comments If I get the question a lot would I ever do reality TV And whether that's in the UK or the US Because even the love I love you. It's crazy. I mean oh my god. I can't we get into it. I can't Because I can't I can't I can't exist in a society like that As myself you guys wonder why I'm so like grateful for the community I have on here with the podcast is because One thing about thoughty the odd fam the oddities my pod fam y'all know me okay If I see some crazy comment the person's in follow me. Oh, they don't know me. I don't care If they follow me, but maybe they don't comment like that. I don't care if it's an OG If I get a call out from someone who's like a follower follower or I'm going to listen Was I think they know me because they watched me you sort of got an idea of who I am I don't know I just go into a tangent right now because I just I just digested that take talk I've seen it. I've seen that what I was scrolling and I think it hits me right now because as I talk about attachment styles. I go back to a recent commission. I just had with someone Where I was talking about me feeling very anxious Um a lot about a relationship I had and how much the person Even with their shortcomings Would I I never didn't feel Safe enough to communicate how I felt And I never weaponized my feelings To try to be right right or try to put put them down And I hope I didn't do that. I don't think I did. I'd know I didn't so it's just interesting As I watched that was I just thought about olandia and shelly and the black women and contestants on these shows And how there's sometimes always treated like shit Always treated like shit and they just have to smile in wave Um anyways, I started the conversation about love island because we're talking about nickel andro and nick is this really gorgeous Why boy? I honestly thought Nick was mixed. I don't know why I thought that maybe he's Italian. I don't know Essentially like he and olandia are thing now and he loves her out loud and as a girl I'm gonna be having a really cool conversation with someone who Is an independent woman who is currently in her soft girl era And I remember let me see if I think I don't have it anymore But this I'm gonna tell her in this episode and I can't we forget I'm just gonna spoil it 20 tone. We're gonna have a podcast 20 tone Don't tell anyone I said that and I remember those one time that I texted Tony and I said How are you able to freaking let go like how are you able to Just be yourself like how are you able to find love Because it's so hard when you're an independent strong black woman That's really because I'm a dark skinned bold-ass black girl How am I going to fucking find love? Thank you. I found it. How am I going to find love? That cherishes me Even with my anxious attachment style And with my work and my job and how am I going to like I had to ask myself that Because I didn't think I was going to I've been in so many situations where They wanted to put me down. You can't do that. You're too much I mean the amount of times I apologize even till today with people about I'm so sorry I did this. I'm not my too much. Oh, you don't have to talk to me right now. You can talk to me later Yes, it's a part of my attachment stuff, but also people have told me over and over and over again You need to be quiet. Why are you doing that? Why are you asking for this? I'm also a product of my environment Ah Anyways, I know guys. I'm off into a tangent. I just hit it. That just really hit me I hope a lander finds um the love and support she's looking for and the last um season of love island with Serena and Cordell and Janine Kenny and Liam Agal I see those three like living their best life and being in love and I'm like I think it's nice. I think it's nice. I think it's nice to find the person you can Find understanding with you know what I mean and find mutual ground and work towards something and I don't know shout out to Nicole Andrew and Huda girl. I hope you find some help We're gonna do some love island predictions because we're still on all violent I definitely don't want to be by vibe person because I feel like it's so weird to be like I don't think this couple is going to last I would I don't think I'm going to say predictions about the couples, but I would say that Amaya and Brian I hope they find each other More I hope they do the intentional work of getting to know each other I feel like they come from really really good backgrounds. Um, they're both Latino So I think there's opportunity there for them to even grow and blossom and honestly get my ready to have babies all that stuff Um, Nicole Andrea. I just I hope they are together forever. I think they remind me of Lauren and Cameron from love is blind like I saw Lauren and Cameron from the get go okay Oh my goodness. I just I love Lauren and Cameron If you know I realize it TV person. I'm so sorry, but um, yeah, you see even the apologize and say I'm so sorry oh my podcast Why my apologize into you you chose to click you guys chose to click on this freaking podcast and listen to me No matter if I'm talking about pooping or bulging bulging is crazy belching or random stuff about love island I don't need to apologize do I I don't but you know what I'm doing Apologizing. That's how you know like it's insane. I'll ingrain this thing is in your mind So give yourself grace if you just like me give yourself grace. It's okay Because the fact that I'm always like I think about it when I listen to the podcast when I apologize I say I just want to say I just want to me. I don't want to hurt. It's a people pleaser. It's the anxiety is But I'm working through it. I'm working past day. I'm growing And that's all that freaking matters anyways rant over I'm not gonna apologize for that. Why really want to? I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna say it's it to be alive not to say I'm not gonna say it just to be clear I don't think I would ever do a show like a little violent first of all. There's too much kissing involved I could never do a show like love island because the amount of germs those people pass with each other is just disgusting Why you lips it you have fucking your national television is crazy I've done a lot of crazy shit online I think I might draw the line on that one. Yeah, I can't do it. I can't do it babes And I don't like and I don't they don't have to fuck but like Konji is a bastard. You can't be bring a vibrator How would you survive? My clitoris would be in so much pain. God damn it. I will feel so bad for her Um, so I don't think I'd ever be on love island I also can't imagine having to if I have a crush on someone. I'm gonna say I take that back I think it might be sexy like go ahead baby go on that day and come back to me But that's also the secure part of me and just say I'm talking to myself now, aren't I? A show like that is so produced heavily That like your edits is important and what that means that if you're in if you're not really interested in like rather The CV stuff the edits of a show is the most important part of it So producers hold a lot of power with shows like that So if a producer really likes you, you're gonna get a good edit if a producer hits you You're gonna get a terrible edit shows like the bachelor or the bachelor rett Even love is blind if they don't like you they can choose to show certain things and not show other things So you can see when a lander and shelly say certain things But who that gets a better edit because she gets more attention Amaya got a great edit They were trying to not give her a good edit But I think America was like no, you're gonna give her a good edit and then they charge to like shift things around Because I really think they wanted her to win. She wasn't going to win Okay, we're done yapping about love island, but let's talk about love because uh Guys Am I in love? I think I've been in love, you know what I mean? I think so. I think a love is a beautiful thing is done jazzy again If you know you don't I'm in London and this particular comment wouldn't put it there Sent me you don't know the lore let me give you the lore a couple of times ago like maybe Sometimes around April the sound was this sound was trending. You know shoot a shoot Duke Dennis was up with you I think it was a glorilla sound. I think it was glow. It might not have been I don't care That sound was trending and I knew a bunch of mutuals who did the sound and one thing about me my relationship life is private I'm telling you guys right now if I was in a relationship you will not know there will be signs You will not know you could guess you might feel like you might know the person You might think you do you would never get a confirmation from me. I will pull it. It's a ray And maybe you just see a wedding photo. Maybe I don't know. Yeah, I never know, but like I wouldn't be private I just wouldn't be public either anyways. The point is I did the you know shoot a shoot And I shot my shots on the scorches gorgeous gorgeous girl or into fitness So let's talk about it too with regards to like my sexuality because whenever I tell people I'm gay people really like They don't believe me And I think it definitely has to do with the fact that I never talk about sexuality because I don't think you need to so I did the shoot a shoot video And I think I said in the first post. Oh my god. I'm going to Do this and it will break the internet. It didn't break the internet. I don't know where the person I thought I was But I didn't break the internet, but I did it anyways and When I did it I tagged this incredible creator or into fitness. She's a fitness creator. She's hot And I don't know why I did that. I know like I definitely had a crush on her, but like it wasn't like a big crush where I was like Oh, this is someone I wouldn't be because like you know those kind of things where you do because you just want to have fun But you also like I'm not a kind of super relationship online So I didn't think it was going to go anywhere. I mean just like a 1.5 million followers like she's big She's not please. She's not going to be checking for me. So I did it And shamelessly, I'd also DMed her before just to be like, oh my god. Hey girl I see you run. I run to my friend London. I love to run together. I don't know what the fudge I set the I have better Shooting shot skills. I promise. So I did that video and she I remember I was in Punta Khan at that time when I did it And she responded with like a silent video. She was just like You know hands back and then she walked out of the frame. So I was like ah, what's for so far? You have your broads. Those are mean. Does I mean you like me? Does I mean you don't do you want more like what's going on here? Anyway, so this is that was it and I was like you know what from a London. I'm gonna you know say whatever I DMed her I said whatever and finally I was like I'm gonna come to London and we're gonna hang out. So here's the tea so I get to London You guys let me actually tell you what happened. Let me tell you I'm actually so dead ass. I'm kidding. I'm giving you guys the real tea. Okay So I get to London and I DM I'm text my friend my friend it also knows her so text my friend. I'm like hey She never responded to my DM. I did follow up with the shoot a shoot comment. She just ghosted I'd like to take the L and say okay this person does not feel me like that But I told my friend I was like I'm gonna be London though. I'm not gonna quadruple DM you I have pride so instead I told my friend that hey could you say oh by the way my friend Sophie is going to be In your area if you're interested so my friend went to be like oh random by the way Just letting you know Sophie's gonna be around if you like want to hang out and stuff like I could let her know You guys live or you live in the area she's going to be at basically trying to be like I New where she lived enough to know whatever My friend then is like Bet so then she finally DMs me and goes hey, I hear you're gonna be my city when you're here. Let me know Still picked Are you talking to me? Yeah, shut up. Shucks. So I'm like okay fine. Whatever. I don't care. I guess I'm looking like act like I'm excited or whatever stop it My drooling and so I go to Manchester, which is where she stays and Funny enough my cousin literally my two cousins who I came to surprise in London also living in Manchester And she literally so close to my cousin too was like serendipity like I like to say so we finally meet Let me tell you I was wearing this like black top and like little booty shorts and she was wearing all black and And she had sunglasses on ass sunglasses on too, and it was just like cute. It was like oh hi I was like hi, and you guys I was sweating. I was so shy because like she's taller than me one and she's built really really good and I know I'm all talking about shooting my shot or whatever boy if I actually have a crush on you I would be acting up like I would be acting like I don't know how to act like there was one time I went to I had another crush recently and I went to visit the crush And I remember I was at a restaurant the crush came to meet me and I was just very interested because I was just like hi Hey, I'll just be smiling My teeth would not close. That's how much I'll just be smiling anyways, so We hang out the whole day and she smells like the whole day. So I'm like, oh, this is going well We're cool, and then we just I needed some help with tourist stuff. So we're like always she would be literally super helpful like really friendly We then post this TikTok Guys, I think it has like 400,000 views now on her page about 200,000 of my page people are like oh my god You guys we need the story we need the Lord and I'm like, there really isn't any Lord We're just hanging out. It's nothing like that. Maybe I'm gonna tell you guys the full story I'm gonna try to kill you know, you know, you know, you know, whatever Fast forward to us going out Why do you guys like to embarrass me? No, no, no, no, tell me. Why do you like to embarrass me? Because why in God's name Are we walking the streets of the United Kingdom? And all we're hearing is oh my god, are you guys really together? Oh my god, I just saw you my FYP. Oh my god It's really you guys. Oh my god, you guys are really together. Oh Oh Guys, let's act with decorum If you see me with somebody outside close your fucking eyes Like even when I was in my guy cousin like I can look at people looking at me and whisper like is that guy? Shhh If you see me with somebody outside Unless I tell you otherwise and I give you the go ahead or I introduce them to you. I'm like, they're not there So I think it was like interesting because I was like oh like, you know, I just was too much attention Like I think I fucked up because there could have been something there I think but the fact that like everybody knows that like I shot my shot and we met up And I was too many eyes and we're both very private people. So we're just like this isn't gonna work out So there's no story there Maybe there is and I'm just telling you guys this so I could lie to you and then you could decipher yourself if like Man, her gonna get married or whatever. I don't know. I don't care. I'm not telling you But yeah, that's pretty much it. Um It was very interesting. I actually had a good time though. It was really fun to like hang out with her and just Be in London and be Manchester and like just Is it your girl like UK somewhere has been somewhere. I'm a survive. It's been a vibe. It's just a vibe I want my dog like that. So it's just Moving on. Okay. Okay, so that's pretty much it But yeah, I think I met her and then I'm also having my friend shy. I mean, I got matching tattoos here I don't know if you all can see it. I got matching tattoos in my friend shy. That was crazy like the first Couple of days since I came to London. I got tattoo with her. That was insane And she's probably gonna be on the podcast soon. That was fun And it's also not been a lot of like different I think about like London creators versus American creators so far that I've seen and like the London vibe London reminds me a lot of New York Yeah, like it really does remind me love New York So I think it was like the perfect place for me to come to right after New York because I'm like I'm actually just really having a good time like It's really because the fact that I've been hanging out with family a lot. I've been feeling very like Seen and understood. It just feels good. It's a good vibe. It's been feeling like a really good vibe Which I'm really grateful for They're gonna be in London for more so there's gonna be a lot more episodes with London creators and guys I'm not gonna lie to you like London creators have been so sweet like I'm not like I can't I'm gonna say New York City creators are not sweet too. I just think that From what I've noticed everyone here has just been like nice to me and I don't know Everyone has just been really nice. It's been great to just like interact with people And I've not met a lot of people that I want to see but I think the dream would be if I got to see The boys shits and gigs that I think would be iconic but I feel like that's like Big like that's a lot I still think they're too big for me, but I think it'll be fun to do a video with them. Maybe not yet, but soon You never know if you're seeing this clip this and post it on tiktok. Maybe shits and gigs. I want to hang out with me But also just a curse them out because I did curse them out in an episode when I read talking about some stupid nonsense about black women Yikes, maybe they're not gonna want to hang out with me because of that. Well Kind of do But yeah, it's been really fun. I feel like if I when I go back to the US I said if I'm going back to the US I beg but when I go back to the US, I think it will be fun I'm learning so much and I think that was the goal for me with travel It's like oh, I'm in the space now where I'm learning so much about myself and guys. I'm being so confident like I feel like I'm in my confident era right now. It's just been cool to be unapologetically me and Meeting you guys in person here has been such a like life changing experience for me because you guys really show me the like Oh, I work hard for this shit and I just I feel like I'm in a different ball game like my content is doing good I'm doing good life. It's good. Like I have no regrets. I am so glad. I dropped everything. I became a nomad I really am. I think there's so much more to do in life And I think I'm learning so much more too So I'm really excited for like the future and the next episodes and like so much more So you guys will also like let me know please like if whatever you want me to talk about I'm really open because you can't clearly tell I have a lot of opinions don't you? But yeah, okay, so we're gonna do like some hot take lightning round and then Actually asked you guys to give me questions. I'm going to be answering too. So we're gonna be answering those as well First rapid fire is anxious attachment is just being dramatic No, I don't think being an anxious or having an actually attachment style is being dramatic I think it can be considered dramatic a lot because of if that is Weaponized with a lot of emotion then it becomes dramatic So if someone who coulda is crying screaming yelling because of their insecurity It becomes dramatic, but at the core of it I don't think you're being dramatic. I think you're just anxious like anxiety is dramatic at the court, right? You're just you're scared to terrified of an outcome. I love island couples never last anyway. Um I think Relationships now are so No one wants to work for relationships. Can we talk about that real quick? Me included That's a broad statement to make isn't it? No one wants to work for relationships me included My cousin is getting married soon I don't know if you can hear me when I said that can you hear me? You can My cousin is getting married soon Inshallah. Oh yeah, and it told me knowing his fiance essentially For about six months and I was like oh my god six months in a gay marriage And I'm Muslim I come from a Muslim background too and in Islam. That's relatively short like in two three months You know and he used the sentence or the line if you know You know when you're ready you're ready and in today's dating culture I think people think because there are options That means you don't have a choice And I think we forget that the beauty about love Isn't the variety of the options But the intentionality and the choice you're making with the person you choose and suspend the rest of your life with Because I don't know if you guys follow that couples therapy page Um There's this beautiful. I'm gonna try to find the text I can post it if not. I'm gonna try to maybe give you a broad idea of what the therapist said But essentially she said something around like The thing about relationships is you have to actively choose to understand each other That's all it is with relationships. Love is going to die Maybe not fully die, but love is going to wane. It's going to move. It's going to shift But love is also like choosing to actively be with someone and love that person And I think in today's society When we talk about we polyamory when we talk about situations when we talk about Commitment when we talk about all these things it all boils down to the fear of not getting chosen So if I'm not gonna get chosen and they're not choosing. I'm just gonna not I'm gonna abstain from the process itself I'm just gonna play the long game And we see that a lot when we think about like men waiting till they're 35 and then they just end up marrying the person who's available Because they're ready to choose We see that with women who at 2324 they get chosen and they just settle down and marry because they don't even think they have a choice Um, it's so interesting. So I say the question is this is not rapid fire, but love island couples never last anyways I think first of all love island does a system like because an idea is very crazy Like you're putting a bunch of people in a room and telling them they need to fall in love with each other in two weeks And then they supposed to last in the real world without any real world challenges like That's insane I don't think they're supposed to last honestly because that's a well Like that's just breathing anxiety like imagine me sleeping beside you and then I remember the time you were kissing an other girl in the challenge I would drive me crazy So I wouldn't say necessarily like Yeah, as a show that's hard like love is blind as a such an example to like I think we forget again that The real world isn't behind producers cameras isn't like social media. Also has a lot to play with it Is there's just so much more I have so much more to say maybe this would be a separate episode again But yeah, love island couples never last anyway for a good reason UK creators are more authentic than us creators Um, I think that's a broad statement so I don't I don't I don't think that's true UK creators are not As authentic as US creator as US creators. I don't I don't think you can compare like I don't think because like the system is different like US with US creators Um, if you're a black creator then you're competing with other black creators the market is larger If you're in LA maybe versus if you're a New York creator like there's so much nuance to it with UK creators I think there's a lot more collaboration here for sure Then it will be in the US but also there's a lot more of the pot to share in the US if that makes sense Um get some recognized means you've made it Yeah, I think I don't know if everyone has a different definition of what you've made it means But essentially I would say the first time someone did tell me I listened to your podcast. I was like oh, we've made it Not my TikTok not my Instagram my podcast like I think this is like my little baby So when I get people saying they like my podcast. I it makes me feel really really good I'm really really grateful for the opportunities that the podcast is giving me because your girl can the app. Okay, so I think I think your definition of you've made it matters in this context and Commitment issues are just being realistic. I don't think realism is necessarily Why people or Commitment issues aren't necessarily rooted in realism. I don't think so. I think People who have commitment issues for a variety of reasons. I mean, I have commitment issues. We all do I don't think I also think it's really the um The society we live in I'll give you an example So I was watching a video and it was the folks that started okay, keep it and okay Keep it is one of the first maybe maybe is the first online dating platform that existed and at the time I remember the founders said that they thought this was like a gem of an idea like Online dating and that capacity was insane for them But then some of them one of them said the downside of that is the fact that it led to a variety of choice Because think about it in the olden days you organically met someone and you didn't think about the amount of choices You had you didn't think about finding someone else attractive or being with someone else If you went to a bar you went to an event you went to a dinner you saw someone Are you guys hit it off? You felt like in some way the pressure to make that choice because you don't know when next you're gonna see them again If your parents set you up if you had an arranged marriage there was limited opportunities To find other options and maybe that's also why cheating was a thing because you might feel like you then you're stuck with the one person You thought maybe they were other you didn't know there were other options out there You know there's a cycle there's different I'm gonna always find you know that that was advocate in there, but Essentially, I think in today's dating culture right we all sort of think We have so many choices like I mean you're just swiping left and right on people If I go on Instagram right now and type wlw there's so many options If I go on my phone if I put on my story right now Does anybody want to come meet me in my hotel? I promise you People will come meet me if I give anyone the opportunity right now I could be wiped up or not in two seconds You know what I mean like people have a variety of choice and because of that I think the art of love is getting lost and I'm not saying this from like Like you know with a chip on my shoulder. I'm saying this looking down on anyone I'm not saying this at all because I'm also struggling with this right because I'm scared I'm scared of the choices I have to make at some point I mean anyone who knows me will tell you that they didn't think I was ever going to be in a relationship I mean I just started being out and loud and proud about like liking women or you know wanting more for myself I'm just navigating it too But I think it's something like I'm starting to ask myself a lot of is again What does this look like this cost the cost and effect of the amount of choices we have essentially so commitment is just a definitely not just being realistic I think it's just running away from the choices we have to make you know what I mean All right now we're going to be going into listening or questions and reactions Oh my god that was not a lightning round. I'm telling you guys. I'm sorry One of you guys asked me I wish I had the names here. I'm going to see if the team can get it for me. Okay How do you know if you're anxiously attached or just intuitive This is a good question. How do you know if you're anxiously attached or just intuitive Hmm By addressing the root cause of what is leading to the reaction for example There was one time I was talking to someone who just was not the best at communicating and He traveled a law right and he was always just on the go And there was one time he was traveling. I think he went to Cuba or something and I remember I didn't hear from him from like I think maybe like 10 hours or something and I was like oh, he's found someone in Cuba He doesn't care about me. He I was spiraling and I'm telling you I was spiraling and I think at 3 a.m Cuban time I finally get a call from him and he's like I'm so sorry I'm not like I just I didn't have Wi-Fi Cuba Cuba's Wi-Fi is terrible And explain what's going on said. Okay, if you don't hear from me from now on just understand that it's the Wi-Fi My intuition Would have told me maybe oh It's Cuba they have Wi-Fi issues. They go through a lot of stuff with Wi-Fi there Probably that's why he's not responsive. I never once thought about Anything else other than the fact that I would be getting hurt by this person. Does that make sense? Like my anxiety then was never rooted in any other reason Except for my insecurity about this person not wanting to speak to me That's less intuition and more anxiety Because I could have read that situation as oh He might not have Wi-Fi or he might not He might not just be available because he's on the trip So a secure response to that would have been me send a message and saying hey, I've called you a few times You know responding. I'm not gonna assume anything's going on. Just let me know you're okay. I'm just a bit worried So I in that sense have done my part in sharing my worry But not necessarily to put anxiety on the situation But just make sure they understand that hey reach me when you are ready now if they don't reach me They disappear for a couple of days my intuition would then tell me oh this person is really not interested in communicating Properly and then they're ready to go does that make sense? So I hope that answers that question How do you do with having an anxious attachment style by being secure? I think that's something I've been working on for the past year and a half almost I really thought I was secure enough until I fell in love hard like fully hard and I realized oh I still have a lot of work to do But I think that's also in my friendships as well and I also found out that I got my attachment style for my mom And what I mean by that is my mom is a very anxious person like if I don't pick up the phone She's calling me 20 times. I think most African parents are like that So I don't fault the way she handles a lot of things She's learning I'm learning at the same time too. So it's very interesting seeing us navigate the stuff together But definitely got that from my mom um, but again to actually answer your question I think it's a lot of growth and understanding and a lot of self-work You have to really really really really love yourself. You have to love yourself enough to understand yourself worth um To be able to Navigate life with an anxious aside just being anxious in general Um, I'm learning the anxiety definitely speaks volumes and comes up in your professional life your work life Like you guys know I talk about having anxiety a lot even with my vlogs But the one thing I know is I can't ever question myself worth and self-love and if anything is making me doubt that then Um, I'm moving back to therapy and I think therapy also helps but I hope that answered the question a little bit I think just working on yourself. I think there's a lot of People who are anxious and instead of having anxious attachment styles who are insecure enough in their love for themselves That ends up making them question a lot of their self-worth and also it helps when you're anxious to have people Around you who pour into you as much as you're pouring into them because I think that's something really special too All right guys. I think we are done for today's episode. I love to chat in with you I'm loving our solo episodes guys. Sorry. I was checking the time. This is a solid good episode I love also the episode. I feel like I'm coming into my own. I can't wait for like episode 100 where I'm just like I'm just yapping yapping yapping yapping But thank you so much for listening to am I still out of the podcast if you love this episode guys If you listen to this on Apple or Spotify give us a five-star rating. Please. Oh my gosh. I'm like a uber driver I really do like give me five stars Um also like and comment on youtube if you're watching this on youtube I love you guys very much. We I might actually be changing and doing some more special episodes once I'm rooted right now I'm on the go so I don't I can't I don't know if that's coming any time soon But it's opportunity for like some member perks coming up really soon Send this to your group chat have them ask questions leave us a comment leave us a voice note on am I too loud the calm And let me know what your own like sort of attachment style is in youtube Oh my god youtube and your love island hot takes it you want am I to win? Are you a huda stand? Why are you a huda stand? And um just let me know all of it. I can't wait to see you guys in my next episode And I can't wait for you to meet our next guest. She's super special to me Or he's a special camera. Remember who's coming up next, but we're recording them soon And I'll see you guys in my next episode. Am I too loud the podcast? Hosted by the audibi signing out Woo okay guys we're done I just really like this hotel room and this bed is comfortable Um what else is there to say nothing? Oh Gosh I love yours very much You