let’s talk about becoming the woman i promised myself i’d be | AITL?! EP 63

Welcome to a My Too Loud The Podcast! Welcome back to a My Too Loud The Podcast with Sophie A.K.A. the mother-fricking oddity. Guys, you... By the time you listen to this episode, it is June 1st, 2026. How in God's name is it June 1st, 2026? It was just January, yesterday. Like, in fact, I think it was just January, two days ago. And I did not realize how much the year has gone by until today, when I was writing the date in my journal. And I was like, 6-1, 6-1. What does it feel like, as we grow older? The years keep running faster. Like, I feel like as a kid when I was growing up, it didn't feel this fast. Like, it felt like life was going so slow. School was going so slow. And now, one moment, you're sitting here, living your best life. The next moment, you're about to freaking... The year is about to end. Like, before you know it, we're going to be saying Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Before you know it, watch, watch. Six months from now, we're going to be like Happy Christmas, guys. And I'll be like, oh my God, guys, it's the end of the year's night. Isn't this scary for anyone else? Anyways, hey on fam. Welcome, welcome back. Well, hey, pod fam. Because some of you might not actually know about my vlog channel, but any other place around the internet where you might find me ought to be. If you do not have any other place to find me, well, then this is where you find me then. So, hey, pod fam. But if you're an odd fam, which is like regular regular... Yes, speak. But if you're an odd fam, which is like the regular regular person who loves Sophie. Hi, welcome back to episode 63 of my two-loud The Flip and Podcast. I have been meeting with a ton of execs by the way, fun fact around the podcast. And I love the feedback they've been giving me. For someone who's listening, you're starting your own podcast. Oh, the feedback they've been giving me is that I need to, first of all, slow down when I speak. Guys, did you know I spoke fast? I don't know, that's the thing. I was doing one showcase for my acting class day of the day. And the feedback I got was, hey, you may be slow down a bit like taking the words. Relax. Like, it doesn't, you don't sound smarter or better when you are fast with your words. In fact, let your brain catch up with your mouth. And I'm like, you know what? They're not wrong. So, if you feel like the beginning of this podcast is a bit slower than what you're used to, as you guys, Sophie's trying something different. What do you guys think? Does it feel like, it feels like before everything comes out of my mouth, I am taking the time for it to go through my brain, which you would be surprised I don't typically do. And maybe that's why when I see some clips online of me, I'm like, what in God's name possessed me to film that, that way? And I never regret anything I post online, by the way, from fact again, I never regret anything I post online. So, I'm not necessarily worried about what I post, but I was sometimes go, oh my days, what was I thinking? Or maybe I should have said that better. If I just allowed my brain to think for a minute, I would have said that better, the point would have come across a bit better. So, anyways, we're trying something different. So, let me know if you like it. As June 1st, I am currently in New York City. I actually, you guys are going to be the first people to know this. I told apartments today. I did not resign my lease for my apartment. It's almost a year now. I was telling one of my friends today, actually, I was telling her that, hey, it's actually been almost a year since I have not had an apartment. And I have sort of been traveling, saying with friends, hanging out with different people. I have not just had an apartment. And she was like, oh my god, it doesn't feel like a year. And I'm like, right, it does not feel like a year. It feels like not a year. It does not feel like, if you're just listening to the podcast, hi, my name is Sophie. I put all my stuff in storage last year in June, sort of travel around the world and do a lot of things differently. And I, yeah, that's pretty much it. Actually, I think that's the idea. It's been a year since I did that. It will be a year June 28th. I think my lease ended June 29th. And I remember this because around this time, I actually went to Ghana for a bit. And then after Ghana, I went back home to pack my stuff. I then got COVID. So my birthday, my birthday month as well. We'll talk about that in a bit. I went to pack up my stuff. I got COVID. So I was in the apartment with all my stuff packed up. Sick is fudge with COVID. I remember I recorded an episode of the podcast feeling so sick. But you're right. Your girl, it's been a year. And as I was reflecting on the year that is just past. And I have been reflecting on my goals for the year. I wanted to have this episode as a diary entry for me. So one of the things you guys really love about my podcast is I've honest I am. And how reflective I am about the experiences I've had. And also just maybe the stories I tell you guys about my life in my past. And so I feel like this is a very important episode for me. Because it's like my coming to Jesus moment, honestly. And I feel like I've been having that coming to Jesus moment for the past. Give or take two months. So I have my laptop beside me. And I rarely ever use my laptop when I'm doing my podcast. But today today's episode is going to be me talking about what me realizing how I am kind of not living the life that I say I want to live. And I say this oftentimes I used to say a lot in my vlog channel. But there is a difference between saying you want to do something and actually doing the thing. And one of the biggest issues I know I have with myself. This is very much self reflective is I don't oftentimes get to the doing part. It might seem like I do. But it might just be me talking a little about what I want to do. So I decided that for this episode of the podcast I'm going to bear it all. And I'm going to share like a six month life update of where I am mentally what my goals were at the beginning of the year. And I'll be very honest with you guys about the things that I've been accomplishing and things that I'm not accomplished. And I'm also going to talk a little bit about like what my headspace is kind of at. Because I'm not really in a bad place. I'm in a honest place. And I've been very honest with myself about my shortcomings and then my successes at the same time over the past couple of months. And I think that's something that I have not really been doing now. I'm not overly critical. I feel like let's just say this. I feel like on the internet we get oftentimes get a few different types of people. You get the folks you watch that are telling you oh my god. Life is so great. If you do these five things everything's going to be okay. And then people on the other side who are like what was me my life is not good. I'm struggling. Watch me grow it back. And oftentimes people that are telling you that you should watch their life be better. Their life gets better. Like you see the transition from when they are struggling to when they're pretty successful. Now excuse me for someone like me. I think I live in the in between of the internet where you see me struggle and then you see me fail. And then you see me struggle again and then you see me succeed. And then you see me struggle again you see me fail you see me succeed you see me fail. Like I feel like that version of the internet exists and I enjoy being a part of it. I think that's what this video is important because I think for a lot of people from outside looking in they will know me as a really successful person. Which is true. I am pretty successful. I'm doing the damn thing. I am built a life myself that I have not in a million years like thought was possible. So I am pretty successful. However, I am not perfect. And I say this to you guys all the time. I am not perfect. And I want to remind folks of that because if I can show you the behind the scenes of my life. And I can be vulnerable about the behind the scenes of my life. Then maybe that will get you to understand that you're going to be okay too. We're going to be okay. Like when push comes to shove. Okay. We're going to be okay. We're not anyone who's successful is not this magical creature who's just super disciplined and just like what they're doing and they're just great with everything. Like that's not the reality. In fact, there are a lot of people who will tell you that the difference between being successful and not being successful is mindset. And I swear that is truly the difference. You have to, well, I know so many, but if you grew up from like, I mean, honestly, there were people who have money who have failed several times. Maybe you know, I've been money. It really is mindset. Like you have to fully embody this idea that you are the shit. And if for you to be able to embody the idea, you have to also know where you are not. The best and the places where you are the best. And I think for me, I oftentimes focus really heavy on the things that I don't do well or then things I do well. So this episode is going to be me reviewing a few things that I know I do well and a few things that I don't do well, but also I want to be able to be. I want to admit that the life I want and the life my habits are building are actually like pretty inconsistent. And I found this out, give or take two years ago. So here I am in my friend's place in Dallas, Texas. And before I went to Dallas, I had like a few ideas of the things I wanted to do. And I sat in that trip and I was just having a good time hanging out with friends and everything. And at the end of the trip, I looked back at my notes of the things I wanted to do. And I realized I didn't do anything I wanted to do. I was busy. Don't get me wrong. I was hella busy during my trip. And I had meetings and work events and this and that and all these things. But the things at the core of me that I wanted to execute or do during that trip, I didn't do it. I didn't say anything about it to myself. I just, you know why you just think of something and put it in the corner of your head. You say, hold it, hold up. I noticed this. I'm going to put it in my pocket. And then I went back to Philadelphia and I spent a week there. And the same thing happened. I had a few ideas. I have this no pad rep or my notes in. I had a few ideas I wrote it down and then my week just continued to go on. And over the course of the week, I just felt like I was so busy but something was missing. And at the end of the week, I remember looking about no pad and getting going. The things I said I wanted to do are still unchecked here. But there are things that I know I did at the entirety of the week that made me feel exhausted, made me feel busy, made me feel overwhelmed, made me feel like I wasn't doing enough, made me freaking quit my vlog channel. So that's like a setback. And I was like, you know what? Let's actually look and see what's going on. And I don't think I'm failing necessarily. I just think I'm being like confronted by the truth. I'm like, you know that I literally see like work smart to know hard. Like that's me on my Twitter minutes. I'm not working smart. I'm not working hard. What's going on here? I'm going through the year. And I asked myself a question that I'd no one to answer. I asked myself, am I actually doing the things I said I want to do or am I simply surviving? And when I realized, oh, you're surviving. I said, is it live? Six more months are not going to go by of this year. Is that even English? I think so. Six more months cannot go by with me simply surviving. Something has to give. And that thing has to be something that would make me feel proud of myself for doing by the end of the year. So I think I'm in this really like strange stage of my life where nothing is like technically wrong with me. Like in fact, guys, you know, I'm just going to be I'm going to be signed with an agency. I am hitting my halfway point mark in acting school. Brand deals are coming in. Your girl is working a lot more. Being in relatively events. I'm contemplating doing a few things. Things are going really good for me. But everything also feels like it's actually me to be more honest with myself about where I want to go. And what do I want to do? And that's very important. You know, I didn't ask myself that. I've not asked myself that in a long time. But I remember when I first, before I started content, I didn't want to work for the UN. I wanted to work as a university. I wanted to be a lawyer. There was my go-to response every single time. And after a while, they would ask me again in the way content started. I was like, you know, I just want to hit that 10,000 followers. I was always my goal. I was like, oh, what do you want to do? I was like, oh, I guess I just, you know, I just want to walk on YouTube. And I would always like, I wasn't sure. I didn't have short footing on what I wanted to do. Until recently, where I decided, you know what? I want to be an actor. I want to be an actor. I want to walk on stages. I want to be a host. I want to be a presenter. I want to do all these things, my God's grace. So once I not realized what I wanted to do, the question is, how is I going to get the done? And, you know, growth happened so quick for me. Because the woman I was asking, I always do all these things. I started growing. Thank God. I was gay. Bless you so many opportunities. I was just feeling really, really good about myself. But then I realized growth in one specific part of my life was growing. But when growth started happening in every area of my life, it just started being... I wouldn't say it was overwhelming because I'm so blessed and I'm able to handle everything that is in front of me. But it was definitely like, okay, let's calm down a little bit. I'm thinking about it in my career. I went from not being visible at all, being hyper visible. I was an on-hear host for Macy's Live. I moved to my dream apartment in New York City. I had been mingling and shaking my ass with so many different celebrities and creators. I was in panels. I was getting awards. It was so many good things that were happening to me that my brain's driving give me time to catch up. Because I was just like on to the next, on to the next. I'm thinking about like my relationships and how I just... I oftentimes would go on different social people, be invited to different places, start building friends. I got like, I fell in love, fell out of love, fell betrayed, fell heartbroken. And all this is happening between the span of like a year or two years. It's please, what's going on? And I'm thinking about it from even finances. Imagine going from only being able to afford Plato's closet, which is the second hand clothing store. To be able to walk into Soho. A Soho store, I forget the name now because you know, that's how bad you go, got it. And drop seven bands on the dress for a McGala pre-party, watch party, something, something. Who the fuck do I think I am? Like that to me was something that... When everything was happening at once, I did not take the time to go. Yo, what's going on? How do I feel about it? And I wasn't like fully grounded. So over the past year, I really think as I've been doing a lot of reflection of myself, me putting on my stuff in storage and saying, let me figure out what I want was me saying, if I remained in this particular position, I was at something, wouldn't change. Anything, nothing would change. And I will constantly still feel this pool to say in New York and do the dance of what creators in New York have to do. So I said to myself, you know what, let's put our stuff in storage and let's travel. And even within the travel context, I remember now, I was thinking back to it, that as I was looking at my vlog channel, I was looking at my YouTube channel and said everything. And I was like, I have been burnt out for over a year, over two years. And I didn't realize it. Like I did not realize how my brain has been tired, my mind has been tired, my body has been tired. Like I, you guys, I am so exhausted. I don't remember the last time I felt like on apologetically myself, besides maybe 2023 summer in New York. 2023 summer for like was the closest, I remember feeling to like carefree. I haven't been carefree in a long time. And I think about this because as I look at, I woke up, every day I wake up, I go on my phone, I scroll and take talk, I go on my calendar, I do my habits. And it feels like it just me checking a list that I want to survive. And I'm not going to lie to you guys, because this is not a sad podcast by the way. I'm just talking, can I just say, can I, can we say that? Please, please, yo, if you're listening to this, just no, this is not a sad podcast. Okay, like I need to be able to talk to you guys and we guys, you guys, you know, diagnosing me or telling me, oh, if it's going to be okay, it's going to be okay. We all know it's going to be okay. Can I, can I please? Because I'm about to share something right now. I'm like, I just don't, I don't need the, oh my God, Sophie, go on, pray to Jesus. So God is your strength. I don't need the Alhamdulillah insha'Allah. Oh, I've been so worried about this. Maybe you need to take a break. I don't need none of that. You know what I need? I used to listen and I used to take everything I'm saying. Look at your life and figure out if you can take some things out of what I'm saying. And we apply to your life and make it good for you. And if you can not listen to this, like and subscribe. Give me five stars in the podcast and keep moving on. Kapish. Thank you very much. Okay, as I was saying. I think it was like a month ago, maybe two months ago, where trigger warning, I felt suicidal. And the last time I've ever felt suicidal was 2019, 2018 actually, when I moved from Louisiana to Washington, D.C. And I was in my graduate program, super successful. I was a graduate resident assistant at all these things going for me. I was really happy and really determined. I was just so, so sad. And it is crazy for me to think about how down bad I was. I was so sad. And I remember that my recent experience of being in that really terrible headspace was me talking to my best friend about it. And first of all, I just want to shout out my best friend. I have known her since I was nine years old. And there really is nothing she doesn't know about me. And she's always been my rock and my strength. And I just, I love her so much. Anyways, I remember calling her and telling her I was feeling this way again. And she just said, Sophie. The way life is on the bread now, I can't afford to buy a fucking ticket to come sit with you in your house. You either come see me in my house or you stop talking to shit and like less figure out how to make you feel better. And that was a wake up call because I was like, people have problems. What was that? What's my problem? People have problems in life. Please get up. Not that late, but I walk through it. And I walk through it because I decided to ask myself, what did I want? And one thing I wanted was to live. I really, really wanted to live. And the second thing is I wanted to find my joy again. I wanted to choose my joy again. And in many ways, I've spent the past couple of months looking forward to choosing my joy. I found the past couple of months to be interesting and exciting for me. And I'm now in that space mentally where I'm slowly but surely able to regulate my emotions in a way that I wasn't able to be previously. I will actually do the podcast interview. I was a guest two days ago. She actually wants more of my favorite things or advice pieces of advice I would like to give anyone who listens to me or knows about me. And I said, the biggest power that I've had to learn about myself is regulating my emotions. I'm making sure no one has control over your emotions but you. And understanding that your thoughts are not reality. Your feelings aren't real. You make your feelings real. You make your thoughts real. When you wake up every morning and you tell yourself I'm going to have a good day, you will absolutely have to do everything in your power to have a good day. If an email comes with bad news, you determine how that news affects you. When a friend calls you and pisses you off, you determine how you let that friend piss you off in order to have a good day. You know what you know this? I'm not telling you guys anything new. We know this. We know all these things. But it's harder to see it in practice. So you have to be so intentional. Like ridiculously intentional with yourself to know how you want to move forward, especially as someone who's growing up. You hear this a lot when people talk about our early 20s, how you're growing into your person. Late 20s is a whole different bowl game because you're at that point where people around you are in such different stages in life. Like your late 20s show you so like all my friends are in different phases in life. They're either married or what they're dealing with has nothing to do what I'm dealing with. They're dealing with husbands and mother-in-laws and father-in-laws and dealing with children chasing after a one year old. Some of them are dealing with job, job, job layoffs. Like everyone is in such different chapters of their life and they're fully forming their own ecosystem of living. That you're constantly having to look around you and realize that, okay, you got to get your shit together. If you don't have a shit together already or everyone just feels like they're chasing after something. Like time is running out when it really isn't, right? But in this case, my time this year is running out. Go for a beta case, really not. But I mean that in terms of six months and I'm sitting here and I'm going, okay, I've done all this work at the beginning of this year. And even every day to be the bed version of myself, I'm doing the work. Now, the part of me that wants to follow through has to see what I am doing good at and what I'm not doing good at. Which is something we don't oftentimes do. Like when you have a regular job, you're able to go to your job and find a work assessment. One of the things you did good with things you did bad, your job bug figures that offer you. When you are living your life like an entrepreneur like me, you don't oftentimes get the perks of having that, right? So you have to do it yourself. So let's do a six month reality check. Because I usually would do this on my vlog channel, but I'm still sort of figuring out what direction I was going my vlog channel. Because of so many reasons, let's not get into that. But I will be back on that channel. I hope I hope to God. Guys, look, let me just keep doing me for a while. Anyways, okay. So I have my laptop here. You guys can't really see it. She's down here. And I want to talk about like how whenever we start the year, we always have this energy. So we're always like, we're going to do this. And now we're going to work out. We're going to die. We're going to just be yapping. We're yapping away. Instead of K, instead of fee. It's oftentimes easier to continue the year with your goals in the back of your mind, but not fully checking up on those goals. Because I may be able to be held accountable for those goals. What I've been doing differently every day is, first of all, making sure I'm keeping track of what I actually said I want to do. And because I'm just showing discipline. And also what things I'm falling short of. And if they're important for me to keep going. So I've been here this year. I was very, very excited for this idea of a dream life. Now, one thing I would say is that my biggest goal has always been to be more disciplined. And growing the podcast, showing up on YouTube, getting more strategic, taking acting seriously, staying consistent, taking care of my body, becoming the one I want to be, and creating a bigger brand for myself. And as I hit the sixth month mark of my life right now, I want to honestly tell you, I have, I wouldn't use the word failed, but I will say I am definitely at a 45% performance rating. Let's do that. I am at a 45% performance rating for the year. Several factors influence this 45% rating. Let me know what you think in the comments. Oh, yo, oh, yeah, let's do that. Okay, if you're listening to this in the comments, or you're listening to it right now, because I feel like you can comment anywhere you listen. Comment what rating you're going to give yourself this year. Please, like be honest, if you're going to give yourself 95%, don't make me, don't think I will feel bad about that. Let me celebrate you, because your grade is 45, and I'm beating my chest and saying 45%, and I'm working on getting better. Because by the time the December comes around, now, I swear to y'all, if December comes around, and I tell myself, I'm a 55, I'm going to whoop my own ass, and you have every right to hold me accountable and beat my ass too. Because I feel like we're all in this thing together. Why would I not be successful? I feel like, I'm going to be successful. And then you guys are watching me, and you're like, oh, look at this girl. I wonder if she's going to be successful. I have to wait. Okay, anyways. 45% performance rating. So what we're going to do, I'm going to keep this, I'm going to put it anywhere on the screen. You're just going to listen. It's going to tell you guys how I split my life for this year. I'm going to tell you guys what's been going wrong, what's been going right, whatever I've been doing. So I split my life into one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Eight categories. First category is fitness, or health, or habits. Second is skills. Third is learning. Fourth is financial. Fifth is social media slash career. Seven is six. Six is service and impacts. Seven is personal. And eighth is friend, community, family, slash travel. Let's go into fitness first. And I'm just going to try to, like, build those past this. For my fitness health and habits section, I wanted to do a few things. I wanted to start meditating every day. I'm on record to say that I have meditated. If, how many days has it been in the year? It's, how many days has it been in the year today? It's been 152 days this year. I might have meditated maybe 52 days out of those 100 days. So definitely not fully at 100. Morning pages three times a week. I've absolutely done my morning pages three times a week. I did, I wanted that to be every day of the week, but I'm not going to lie to myself. But what I have done is I've not gone more than three days without missing it. So if I miss it the day before, I have to do it the next day. And if you don't know, morning pages are part of the artist's way, which is a book I'm supposed to open again into that too. But the morning pages are basically journaling. You journal three pages of conscious, free-flowing thought every morning. So I've been doing that during AG1 daily. If there have been 100 52 days this year, I have dropped my AG1 maybe 100 times this year, which I'm pretty proud of. So again, not doing too bad, but still, this room for improvement. I started taking advice on D3K2 because I get migraines. And also because I heard they're really good for you. Again, I have 152 outside of taking those maybe 75 days out of those days. I'm run three times a week. If I have 152 days, I've probably run 10 days. So that has not been happened. And which is interesting because I really thought I would be running more. And I want to run more. I enjoy running. I love running. That's just the one thing that I keep falling short on. And I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why. I'm so frustrated on myself. And sometimes the excuse is like, I wake up tired. I wake up this. But I know people who run in the rain, in the snow, in terrible weather. So I'm really like, I'm running. I feel like I'm going to go deep real quick. Running I feel like I'm meant to for for myself. Because when things get really uncomfortable and hard, I tend to sleep. You know, I like sleep more. Please, if things are hard, then I'm going to take a nap. Once I wake up, I feel better. I want to become the person that when things get uncomfortable and hard, I tell myself, let's go for a run. Do you know what kind of bad assery you have to have for you to be going through it, for you to be sad and depressed and lonely? I'm going to wake up and say, Jima soon, which means wake up and sleep. Let's go for a run. You know what? You know what it takes to say that. And meaning, eat. I want to become that person. I will become that person. Before I know that person, but it will change. Strength training three times a week, definitely not not not not. But at least I've been strengthening a lot more than running. And I would say all these habits are dependent on the fact that I do not have a fixed place that I live in. So we're going to get to why that might be affecting all of the things with me. Read a self-help book a week. Who was I deceiving? Read a self-help book a week. I should think this thing over. I hate self-help books. Maybe read a romance. I should have replaced that with like a read a romance novel. But I've not been reading a self-help book. I did read the mountains as you at the beginning of this year. And that, and the psychology of money, those two books transformed my thinking as helping me be. Oh, Sophie. So if those books transformed your thinking and really helps you, don't you think you've read more books every week? Those will also help transform your thinking. And that's sound if you listen to Odo is be banging my hand. I'm sorry. That was very mean to. Don't be mean to yourself. Why not? Why not? Why would you? Now you're going to sound crazy. Moving on. Anyways, I did not read a self-help book. I might... See how here's the thing. What would feature a self-help book? If you won't feature a self-help book. If you want to. Okay. We'll read it. Okay. All right. One from workout class a week. I've definitely not been doing this, but I started recently going to more workout classes. Been loving hot yoga, be loving hot pilates, be loving anything hot. In the name, I don't know why. But I started going to work out classes this past week. But again, now in 152 days, maybe I would say I've gone 25 times. Run another marathon in 2026. This is silly possibility. I'm thinking of maybe doing New York again. But in my mind, I'm like, why would I want to do New York when I can do another marathon? I did just walk a half marathon and I loved it. So maybe I'm going to try to do that again if we figure out running three times a week. Eat opposing pack breakfast daily. If out of 100 of it's two days, I feel like at least 125 of those days. It's in a well, well protein. Out of those days, it's in opposing pack breakfast pretty consistently. That's one thing I love breakfast. I love breakfast. Eat two times a day. Healthy as fuck meal. Definitely if not, I've been doing that. Again, everything about these habits required to be in some way shape or form stable. And I have not been stable, which is important to know. And the last thing is no phones 30 minutes after waking up. This one I gave up on. I just pretend to myself that it happens. It doesn't really. Sometimes I try to stay away because technically I wake up at like 3 a.m. So I didn't check my phone. Does that count? No, it doesn't. I know what I'm supposed to be doing. But I don't do it. So that's already. Do you hear what I'm saying? That already thinking about the habits is like, all these things I wanted to do. I could do them. I'm just not doing them. So it disciplines a huge factor there. Okay, we're going to go on to the next one, which is skills. One skill is finish a master class on hosting and presenting. I've not done that. Starting acting school, I really have started acting school. Finally, finally, like a semester program where I am actually learning so much that I've ever thought I could even learn. So I'm really proud of myself for that. And the third skill I wanted to learn this year was take a storytelling course. Because I feel like one thing about me is I tell. I don't know how to tell a story. I can document, but I don't know how to tell a story. So I'm working on that too. So again, the skills, I'm the three skills I wanted to learn this year. At the six month mark, I've only started one. Number three, learning. This part of thing was because I realized that at some point in my life, I really miss the art of learning. Like I've stopped learning. So I said, you know what? Let me put this and let me make it a priority. One thing I wanted to do is learn how to act. I'm doing that right now. Learn how to basis as a YouTuber. Did not do that. Learn how to read a script. I'm doing that right now. Learn how to do your podcast. Doing that right now. And read 12 self-help books this year. Not on that word. Three. Not 12. Well, I feel like we have time to read 12. I think I can still do that for this year. So again, with learning, I think I gave up on the YouTuber one. Because as she is a vlog lifestyle YouTuber, I just gave up on it. Because I don't think I have the resources now for the things I have. Is that an excuse I hear, Sophie? It can be. Because I feel like if you really wanted to, you could. Shh. We'll discuss that later. Okay. Moving on. Financial area. Weekly expenses review. I started doing that because you're going to have to. Monthly check it with my accountant. I've been doing that. I've been updating my monthly sponsorship tracker as well. Started to spot substack. I have started to substack. I don't know why I put that under financial. Oh, because I was getting monetized. But I've only consistent with substack, which is disappointing. Monetized TikTok. Monetized podcast. My TikTok is still not monetized. But it is my highest following. So I've been getting more brand deals through TikTok. Monetized podcast. I've sort of kind of started monetizing the podcast. I got my first brand deal in the podcast last week or two weeks ago, which was really good. And the last thing on financial will start a Patreon, which I have not done. So also something to think about. Again, now you understand the 45% right? Okay. Okay. Honor the social media slash career. Pitch to five to ten brands weekly. Definitely don't do that. Have an edit with Erie. That ship is sailed. Work as a host with a brand or show. Not done that yet. Host a red carpet event. Not done that yet. Re-launched the Odyssey TV. Not done that yet. Focus on scripting YouTube videos especially on e-vlogs. Did not do that. Posting LinkedIn once a month. Did not do that. Posting IG TikTok was not entirely daily. Definitely don't do that. Host the podcast live show. Did not do that. Go to Long and Fashion Week Paris Fashion Week New York Fashion Week. Lago Fashion Week. Go Copenhagen Fashion Week. Did not do that. Work with 30 brands this year. 15 long term. 15 short term. Did not do that. Do you see why I say 45% performance? Service and impact. Speak on more panels and the importance of being yourself. I didn't speak on two panels this year so far, which is really, I'm really proud of. Personal. Finish the artist's way. The artist's way is a 12 week course. I'm not finished. That flipping book. Get better with financial anxiety. I've been really, really good at that. Start therapy. Focus on sexual trauma and overthinking itself sabotage. Ooh. I forgot I put this here. Oh my god. I don't want to do that. I need to. Start a hobby. Puzzling during the ceramics. I bought a book for puzzling and another book for drawing. I've not done that. And last one is France Community Family Travel. Focus on prioritizing relationships with. I started my friends name here. I've definitely been doing that. Go to Yellowstone. If not on that. Go to Grand Canyon. If not on that. I can't for the first time. I've not done that. I've not done that. Do a mommy dollar trip. That is in the works. That's sleeping in an unusual place. I've not done that. Do you see why I then not say that I am performing a 45%? Okay. Busy is not the same as aligned. Busy is not the same as progress. Busy is not the same as prosperity. Busy is not the same as successful. It's something that you guys say this a lot. And I hear this a lot. Wherever it's up. Oh my god. So if you're always working. You're doing all these things. And I'm like, yes, because my mind is always busy. I like my body to be busy. I like to be busy. But the hard truth to swallow for me is busy. Does not always mean what I think it means. Because am I doing a lot of things? Or am I doing the right things? And if I honestly ask myself this question. I'm going to be very honest in saying that. I don't think I'm doing the right things for myself. Sometimes I think I hide behind me in busy and movement. And I'm working. I'm so much going on. But it might also be that the things that actually would move me forward are the things I strictly avoid. Because if you look at the things. Of course, no. Don't get me wrong. I am doing so well. Like, I'm a pretty high 45%. But you know, I'm meditating. I'm journaling now. I'm drinking my supplements. I'm running. I'm one way or the other. I'm still I'm inching closer to the things. Well, then the other things that. I've said this before my vlog. Passively living versus active living. Right. It's this idea that you can go through life being a passive person in your life. Meaning you just go through the flows of your life. You wake up every day. You eat the breakfast you're supposed to eat. Maybe make a few friends here and there. Do the same things. Very unnecessary boring monotonous. But it is monotonous. And there's active living where each day is an adventure for you. Where you're choosing to be intentional about the life you want to live. I think that I sometimes forget to actively live my life. Because if I'm honest with myself here. It doesn't take much to run three times a week. It doesn't. It doesn't take much to start three times a week. It doesn't take much to finish a massive class and hosting. It doesn't take much to learn how to be a successful YouTuber. It doesn't take much to start a sub-stack. It doesn't take much to pitch the five to ten brands weekly if you prepare for it. And I realize that. And it's also so weird because when you're growing online and you constantly turning your life into content. When you forget what life actually is for you. And that's an issue with me too. I sometimes forget what my reality is, which is what my social media reality is. For example, all these things I've been telling you I've been doing. I've been doing a lot of internal work and I've been posting a lot of it. Which is good. Something that I wanted to do for myself and it wasn't for the vlog. I think that's why I honestly stopped the vlog channel. Because I stopped my vlog channel because I realized that. I really enjoyed performing for you guys this idea of success. And I would only do certain things when I was vlogging rather than doing it for me. So me trying new hot Pilates, me journaling more. Me taking my vitamins, me pitching myself, me doing all these things. But oftentimes for the vlog, rather than for Sophie. And Sophie needed the moment to find things that would be just for her. And so right now when I thought what was going to be for me was all the things that I said. We can go by 70 every day, go into the gym, clear calendar, like a system podcast. It was all these things but growth is actually realizing what systems you need to put in place to make your life successful. Growth is realizing that you cannot sort of manifest your way without following through with the things you want to do. I can't simply say to myself, I want to be an actor. I have to be intentional about what that looks like and take those steps. This is something that I had on my mirror for the longest time. It's like my version of self-love is when I fulfill all the promises I keep to myself. AKA self-love is discipline. If you are not a disciplined person, you cannot love yourself. And if I am being super honest myself, I sometimes struggle with self-love for me. Because when I don't follow through with the things that make me happy, I'm upset at myself. I'm angry. You can see within yourself when I wake up and I'm like, I should have done that, but I choose to sleep instead. So whenever I tell myself what the future is, if you do, it's a reminder for me that I love Sophie so much, I want her to be happy. And this would pay off in the long run, even if it doesn't seem like it right now. My dream life doesn't have to... It also is realizing like, guys, honestly, your dream life needs boring structure. Like, no one will tell you this, but your dream life needs boring. There were those moments when you were spending three to six hours editing. Those moments where you're spending two hours writing a script. Those moments where you're spending an hour brainstorming. Those moments when you're spending four hours reading a self-help book. Those moments where you're spending the time on the calls, trying to get pitch emails. Those moments that were boring, they're annoying, they're frustrating, they're not the exciting stuff. Your dream life requires those parts too. The moment you realize that, you're able to be more intentional about putting those into your calendar, putting those into structured places in your life to make sure those are able to be done. And honestly, the last thing about what I want to say is like, you know, if everyone knows that person who you're like, if only they knew their potential, they're going to be successful. That's me, and I'm still very successful, but I can do better. But it is more than a personality trait. It is an embodiment of the things that make that potential a reality. So, if people see me and they see my legs, this is so stupid. If people see me and see my legs and they're like, oh my god, you're right, you're a track star. And I'm like, yeah, I could be. I could be. The potential is there. I just got to follow through with it. And all I need is not follow through. So, I've been thinking a lot about like self-love. And I don't think like, it's all about this bubble bass. And you know, you're going to be saying affirmations. I really think self-love is boring. Self-love is boring. It's messy. It's annoying. It's necessary. It's disciplined. It's like when you sit in your bed and you're telling yourself you want these things, self-love is following you through and doing it. Even when your mood is changed. Like, the days where I do not want to do shit, and I have to get up and say, fudge it. Let's just keep going. That's me. And that self-love. Like, you have to fully love who you want to be enough to want those dreams to come true. Okay. So, I've been asking myself, what do I want? And I want you to ask yourself, what do you want? Because we're at the sixth month mark of the year. And if you're doing really well, continue asking yourself that question. And if you're not, you're just like me. What do we want? I don't know what I want. J.K. I lied. I do. I do. I don't know. I don't know. See? Therapy. But what do I want? I want to be disciplined. I know I am hardworking. I know I am capable. I know that I want to live a life of success. And for me to live that life, I want to be disciplined. So, because I want those things, I'm putting a few things in place out. Maybe it would help you if you're struggling like that too. So, first things first is, I have my daily habits on my phone. Easily accessible. Every morning, I have to, you know, be on my phone for 30 minutes. Drink my A.G.1, take my vitamins, do my makeup. I have like all these things I have to check. And when I check up on it, it works. I have screen time on my phone to help me regulate how much time I use in social media. I have my Google calendar with all the things in the spaces where I need to do everything. And I follow, excuse me, and I follow through on it. That is what I mean. There are times when I don't want to do anything and I decided to tell myself again, I'm saying this, what is the future so if you want? And how can I make sure she gets it? That is what discipline looks like. And I'm not going to lie to you. It's hard. It's really hard. Today, for example, I was supposed to have been studying for classes to have my class final tomorrow. And I just was not in the mood. So, I took it now. But, I also realized that yesterday, I walked for six hours and thirty-seven minutes across Manhattan. I posted that on my TikTok and Instagram. So, it's okay that the next day, I'm not up to par because I was flipping, walking my legs up. So, I needed to extra rest. You know what I mean? I'm learning not to beat myself up when I don't do the things perfectly. But, I remember when I was sitting there looking at my counters, okay, I have to record the episode. What do I need to do? I'm going to record it today. I asked myself why. Why not recording now? And I said everything up and I'm recording right now. So, discipline in that sense. And now I feel good. I'm like, oh, look, it's huge. Recording your podcast. Descripting it. Drinking my machup. Like. Hmm. Hey. Guys. This is my real life, fool. I don't know how to hide. I don't know how to hide myself. This is my real life, fool. I don't know how to hide. I don't know how to hide myself from anyone. This is me. This is me. This is me. Bad. I say, couple vulnerable and authentic and me. There's no UI. Yeah. I don't behave this way. I will fumble. I will fail. I will fall. I will keep trying. And I will be successful. It's inevitable. This, all the school things I'm telling you is because I need you to understand that. Even at my lowest. The only reminder that keeps me going is it's inevitable for you. All you need to do is get up. That's all I'm wanting to understand from this episode. You just... I know it in my bones. I feel it. I am so confident that the life I am searching for is already my own. And the life I was searching for. I was already my own. Don't don't don't don't don't don't. Anyways. I want structure. Freedom without structure is chaos. And for someone like me who with ADHD and even anxious feelings. I should have known better that with the amount of freedom I was craving. It would all come crashing down if I did not have a level of structure to that freedom. And so right now I'm going back to the drawing board. It's been a year being a nomad. What are the things I want to do? What are the goals I want to set for myself? What kind of life do I want to lead? What kind of example do I want to be? And once I answer those questions privately. You guys will have some answers, especially to my vlog channel. But I definitely want some structure. And I want freedom. And I need to create the systems to hold the dream. So it becomes the reality that I want for myself essentially. The last thing is something that I think I've spent so long avoiding. I want to win. Like I want to win. I want to live the life that I deserve. And I don't understand whether it was my, I think it might have been my upbringing. This idea that I don't want to say I didn't work. I'm thinking through this. I didn't plan to think about it in this way. But I feel guilty when I'm successful. I break my back for people who treat me like shit. I don't take care of myself. I prioritize other people over myself. I love other people more than me. I show up for other people more than I show up for myself. And in many ways I, I so struggle with this idea of fully falling in love with the version of myself that I am every single time. Something changed. And I don't know whether it's the ridiculous amount of trauma I have from my autonomy being taken away from me. Whether it's the experiences I've had with friends and relationships. Whether it's the relationship I've had with paternal family, which is my dad essentially. I don't know what it is. But what I do know is if I continue on this path where I continue to put other people before myself, it wouldn't get me anywhere. Because I deserve to win. I want to win. I will win. And everybody else in the world puts themselves first. There's a beauty in being selfish. There's a beauty in choosing you. There's a beauty in prioritizing you. I'm not that kind of person. I want to become that person. I want to document what that looks like for me. But I'm telling you, I want to become the version of myself who truly, truly, truly puts herself first. I think I saw a video of Harry Styles where he said, love yourself so much that other people just simply love the overflow. And I've been having that ring in my head over and over and over. Because I really give myself scraps when it comes to loving myself and pouring it into myself. And it was surprisingly because if you guys see how I present online, you might oftentimes think that I'll give you an example of what I mean by this. Yesterday, me and my friend went to walk across Manhattan for six hours. And throughout the walk, my feet were hurting. I was so tired. My feet were hurting. I was so tired. I was exhausted. It was a long walk. But I knew she wasn't feeling too well. But also, I knew it wasn't just a really hard experience. The entire time, all I could think of was, smile. Be happy. Jump. Even at the brink of when I was exhausted, I still had to flipping smile on my face because one thing about me is I will carry less smile no matter what. And I take that energy into relationships. And I take that energy into life and into work and into so many other things. And sometimes, I never get to be the person. And sometimes, I never get to be the person who is able to just soak and have people take care of her. And I want that for me. But for me to get that, I know for the fact that I need to fully own who I am. I know, give a flying fudge about anybody else. I want to win so badly. And I will win. It's only a matter of time. I do not want a small life. We do not want a small life. If you are watching this, you do not want a small life. We want the life that is big and bound to full. And amazing and incredible. We want all these things for ourselves. And we are going to get it. So if you are just like me, and you are looking at this six month mark of life, and you are feeling stuck, you are feeling like you need to start a fresh start or whatever it is. You are okay to do it. We are doing it. I am starting over. You are starting over. Or if you are already killing it this year. That is living. We are proud of you. But either way, I think June, which is also my birthday month, which is also pride month, is the best time for you to be feeling new emotions and new feelings. And it is the moment of truth. Figure out what is working. Figure out what is not working. Figure out what you can do to change it. Figure out how you can improve the rest of this year. And so by the time December rolls around, we are like in such a different space and we can come on here and talk about it. Because I will come back home here in December to tell you guys about the 12 month update and how I am doing. And I hope to live between now and then something has drastically changed. No, hopefully something would have drastically changed in my life. And I can't wait to share that with you guys. Well, yeah, that is today's episode. It is my birthday month. June 25, 2026. I turn 29. I still can't believe we are turning 29. I was telling someone the other day that for my 29th birthday, I always went to vacation. In my head, it is time for my birthday. So 23. I had like a birthday dinner. 24. I forget what I did. 25. I did a big party. Huge party. 26. I did a girls trip. 27. I did a solo trip. 28. I had COVID. 29. I wanted to do a vacation. And 20. Well, 30. I wanted to do a big party. 29 vacation. I did not plan this with a bay in mind, by the way. I just always wanted to go somewhere with someone who I was either fudging or like I was in love with. Just to have a good time. I feel like vacations are so different because you have dedicated fudge every night. That's what I wanted for my 29th birthday. I wanted to be somewhere probably tropical island and just fudge anytime I wanted this person. It could be a fudge buddy. It could have been someone I was loving. Little I didn't care. Right. But this year, I don't know what my 29th birthday is going to look like because things are so in limbo with me about where I'm going to be, what I'm going to be doing. And this is why we're like, oh my god, I really do need structure. So I'm going to be using this forum. It sounds like such a Nigerian mother thing to say. But I'm ideally thinking of getting some structure back into my life, whether that's like getting a woman apartment, getting an apartment, a house, something and just having a space that can call my own. And then from there, still dreaming all these dreams. But we'll see if you guys are not the first to know the vlog channel might be the first to know when I announce it. But things are happening in the best way. And growth is it's definitely not always this beautiful thing. They make it out to be like, whenever I think of growth, I think of like the flower that opens up for me. Growth is like, it's like shitting. The heart shits. That just just needs to come outside of your butt. Like that heart constipated. That growth is when it's like that process where it's like playing with our school. It's like it's swelling out. It's opening. And it's like it's almost there. And if I'm going to fall into the water, it kisses you. The water kisses your cheek a little bit. That's growth to me. That release you get at the end of it when that poop is out. And you can wash your ass or wipe your ass. You should all really be washing your ass. And you feel like, oh, it's done. And then let's poop again the another time. So yeah, guys, that's the end of my slow the podcast is Sophie aka the mother freaking oddity. Don't forget to like comment and subscribe. Let me know what percentage you give the first six months of 2026 again minus 45% what is yours. And I would be chatting with you guys next week. I love you very much. And I'll see you in my next video. Bye.