Why Do I Always End Up in Situationships? – Ep 22

Welcome to a My Too Loud the podcast. I think you look rough. Why do you look so rough? I look rough. You have your hair cut. Really? Yeah, absolutely do. I look rough? Yeah, you don't look good. No, I don't look rough. This. Why don't? Did you comb your hair? Like the sides are a bit uneven. My sides aren't even? Yeah. That's not supposed to be. No, it's not supposed to be like that, Donald. Anyways, are we ready to start? Did you comb your hair? Next time we'll do the podcast. Are you gonna pierce me a second? Yeah. That's what I'm gonna do. I don't know what's gonna sweat this entire episode. Look at his outfit. Don't sit your ass. You're blocking my own camera now. All right, guys. Welcome back to a My Too Loud the podcast with Sophie, aka the Audity and her favorite human in the entire world. Mr. Donald aka Donald is random. The most random creative to ever walk this earth. But how are you? I'm good. How are you? You pissed me off. Okay, sorry, sorry. You try really hard to fix me. You said this the other day. You said I whisper. I don't think I'm whispering. No, but I feel like you need to warm up this episode every time we talk. Because like you did not need to introduce yourself by saying, Hey, hey, hey, hey. Why did you sound like that? Why did you sound so big? I'm gonna take my glasses off. It's not it's not warm up the episode. It's wall. I think it's just how I am. Like when I meet people, I like to just like make sure like the audience. Welcome to this episode, guys. We're talking all about situation ships. Now, let me give you how, let me tell you how shady Donald is. Okay. Because I didn't know what the episode for today's podcast is because life has been a bit hectic. And Donald is like, I'm going to handle it. You just come on show up. I'm going to have your iPad ready. I'm going to have all the information you need to talk about all you need to talk about. And I'm like, okay, bet. So I am, I am venting to him about something that I am currently involved in. And I'm like, just what do you think about this? And he has the biggest smile on his face. And I'm like, Donald, why are you smirking? Why are you smiling? He's like, cause this means you're going to love our next podcast episode. And I'm like, why? And he's like, because the title is situations ships. So now I feel like, do you think I am currently in a situation ship? Is that why you decided to have this episode? I think about the situation ships. What's I think called serendipity? Is that it? No. No, I think I saw this is. You really think of it as a situation ship? No, you tell us. Are you in a situation ship? I don't think I am. I'm not going to be the one to speak your situation ship into public. Whatever. So basically this episode is about bees. It's all about situations ships. And I don't know. And as you know, we're going to come at this from. But I am currently in something I like to call a semi relationship. I don't know how to explain it. But before we get into it, I wanted to describe what define what a situation ship is. And it was even crazier. It's already pulled up in my Google. Like, were you searching? Because I was talking to my situation ship. So I was telling my situation ship about it yesterday. And I was like, oh, I am going to be doing the podcast episode about situations ships. And the person was like, really? Are we in a situation ship? And I was like, I hope the camera pans don't all space. I just said that in my research. Oh, like looking at the situation ships. There's so much to discuss because like even that question triggers me. So the person is like, are we in a situation? And I'm like, I'm not sure actually. And then I'm like, let's Google or they say let's Google what it is. And so I'm going to describe to you what a situation ship is. According to Google, because then we went on a whole tangent. But a situation ship refers to a romantic or sexual connection between two people that lacks a clear label or commitment. Often describe as a relationship-ish arrangement. It's characterized by spending time together, intimacy, and potential romantic feelings. But without the formal title, expectations or commitment of a traditional relationship. Now, while we were having our conversation, we also said, is a relationship healthy or unhealthy? And we both like Google said it could be a situation ship. And Google said it could be either or it doesn't have to be unhealthy. I love when people in situations like gas like that. Like, yeah, we're good. So that's the that's how people get to five, five years. Of what? Because a lot of the stories we're going to talk about in this episode is like. Well, I think that's an absurd thing. I think that's an absurd. No, I generally do. Okay, let me let me say this by let's first start with which part is absurd? Five years in a situation ship. Okay, okay, okay. That makes no sense to me. Well, let me explain why. And this is like a no judgment zone. And this conversation is not, this is not one of those self-help podcasts. Yeah. Because actually people yap a lot. Like online, like all these podcasts are like, you need to let them be and do this. Do that. We're human beings. It's fucking hard. So I'm not going to come here and sit and be in my high horse and tell you, this is exactly what you need to be doing if you're in love with someone. Because emotions are emotions and you have to deal with it when you're ready. But I'm going to we're going to yap about my current situation. Donald's ethos around situations. We're going to react to some videos around situations as well. And we're going to close out with like maybe some thoughts and advice moving forward if you are in a situation ship or you're not in a situation ship. Whatever that focus is. But first I'm going to say, I've only ever been in two relationships. Like two like, hey, would you be my girlfriend? I said, yes, I am dating you situations. And I'm 27. Only I believe two would I describe it as a situation ship. In terms of like we both knew there was really intense feelings there. But we also knew that we might potentially date really soon. One of us might just not be ready for the commitment or the label. And then the others were just like predating. Like we're dating before we end up saying like we want to start getting to know each other blah, blah, blah, blah. So like for a lot of people, the question I want to pose is at what point are you in a situation ship? Do you guys decide, okay, fine. Is it when you ask the question, what are we? Is it when you're a dating air like, what is this going on? Is there a timeline for that? If you've been talking for three weeks or three months and you're like, hmm, what are we and then you have the conversation? What does that look like? What are you smiling at me? I'm asking you. You're asking me the question. Yeah, and the audience too. Because I want people to talk about it in the comments as well. So I don't want to tell you the answers to any of this. I want us to ask each other the question. And I also want folks who are not in relationships or who are in relationships not to look down on people who are in situations ship. Of course, of course. Because I feel like in many ways some people choose that. Like they have institutions that have been in where we both knew we wanted to enjoy it for the moment. But there was not feature. I was particular guy that I was in a situation ship with for a minute. And we both just knew that our parents would never want us to be together. Like we just knew that he was Christian. I was Muslim. We just knew we're not going to end up together. So ideally, or essentially, we're both like, I want to enjoy this moment with you knowing it's going to come to an end. So we both sort of like enjoyed the time we had together. And now the person is married. So this is the, this is the messed up thing about that. Right. Because I feel like in my past, I've had girls who have been in situations with because I feel like there's no conversation. They're like, hey, we're in a situation ship. We pause. Okay. No, I'm saying that because when I look back in context, I'm like, I feel like I was playing with this girl's feelings because I feel like this particular girl like this girl is the actually like me. Right. So it's like, I can call it a situation ship. But it's like, are they calling the situation ship to or the situation ship like we both know that like this is not leading anywhere. Yeah. So here's where my sort of like issue comes in with situations ships. I think the hang up becomes, if you're with someone who you clearly know, you like more than they like you. You feel like you're clearly interested in wanting to be committed and they've been very clear that they don't want to be committed. You are actively making the choice to stay through everything. That is my biggest thing. So for example, a lot of the conversations we've seen around situations ships is oftentimes from the woman standpoint when she's like, this guy said he's already for commitment. Why I'm hoping in a year in two years. If I show him how much, how good I am to him, we're going to end up together. That is the problem. Interesting. What? Just interesting. You're a fuck you. Why are you smart? Because when I was doing research for this episode, I was only getting the woman's perspective. And I was like, why is he just women talking about this? Because in many, for lack of a better word in society, when as we are biological clocks tick more. A woman wants to be committed more. And this is such a broad statement to make. So maybe I would say some more general in general, right? Majority. Majority. Majority of the time, a woman wants to be more committed than a man in most situations. For example, a man's soul goal. Some men, a few men, a majority of the men, blah, blah, you get the point. They want to be financially responsible. Be provided. Finish school. Do this. A man can be 35 and still say they're not ready to settle down. I know several 35 to 40-year-olds who have either never had girlfriends, nor I just don't have a girlfriend who are still not settling down. I look, I know several, right? And for women, at 26, 27, you're like, mmm, I want to get married. I want to have all my kids before I'm 30. I want to have all my kids from 25. Like there is a biological clock that's ticking for women where they have to decide and say, I need to be committed because I want to have X, Y, and Z at this stage in my life or in my career. That's why a lot of times women find themselves in this position because society has women being stuck in this idea of, to seek this, I need this man to accept me in this way. So that's why a lot of women, I think, find themselves in a lot more situations that men do. One, two, my biggest thing is, if you're in a relationship, situation, situation, whatever, and you tell this person, hey, I really want this. And they say, no, it is your choice to either stay or go. And when a lot of people get frustrated about a situation, the relationship is one party is feeling the heat and the brunt of they want something and they're waiting for the other person to be ready. And in most of these cases, you always end up never being ready. I don't know the percentage of people who were in situations before they ended up in a relationship because they probably would never have called it a situation. Because they knew they were going towards a trajectory of a relationship. Right. And I think that's where the issue comes in. You would never, if you were to talk, if you're end updating someone, you're not going to say we're in a situation before we end up dating. I'll give an example. My recent ex, we were in a friends of benefit situation that was very clear. And at the moment when I was like, you know what? He was very upset about some things I was doing. And I was like, let me know what, what do you want us to be? You need to decide that and come back to me. And then he asked me out. It was very clear behavior that made us work towards end. So now we're doing what we talk like, oh, we can start as friends of benefits, but we ended up just being in a relationship. That makes sense. But for a lot of cases, if you're in a two year through a situation where you're constantly asking yourself, what are we? That's a red flag for you to tell you that there's no commitment or anything going on in the future. And most of the time, that's really what the case is. Are you looking at me? Okay. Absolutely questions. Let's talk about what the timeline is. There's this girl on TikTok that I need to find. Along with the talking stage laughter is something called the three month rule. If you are not boyfriend. No. How long should a talking stage last? Because if you talk too long, your window might pass. You can only do so much talking or twiddling thumbs, hoping for a date. Which never comes to talking stage. That should be short, brief, flirting banter and building report. Once you have done that, then set a date. Then it's no longer talking. It's dating. That's great. You're not in a relationship yet. You're still telling me that? Oh my god. I am sick and tired. And I'm with stating that when you are going on dates, you're dating. Have decided that. What makes you so smart? Don't shoot the messenger. It's on the chart. There is no dates in the talking stage. Let's just be clear. You're dating once the dates appear. And talking is before the first date takes place. It's the coordination following the thrill of the chase. And you can continue to talk until date one. But once you get there, talking stage done. Okay. It's about labels. It's just a name. No. Dating and talking are not the same. But dating words and stuff. It's all subjective. Oh really? Let's do some logic from your perspective. Let's take some verbs and water them down. See how that goes. Get dumb fucking clown. Let's slow down running. It changes to walking. We'll call it tapping rather than clogging. It's not staring. It's merely a glance. Because that guy is not rolling. He's just in a trance. Hey, you're annoying enough with the guy like a bitch using your logic. I'm only telling it also. Also, I'm not quite done. Let's say something boring. And call it fun. Or a little cube-y thing rather than gun. Or a ball of fire and say the sun or giant rock. And say the earth. But I'm into stone despite what it's worth. Do you think it's reality when you're only dreaming? Oh, bitch. I'm just talking loud. I'm not fucking screaming. Do you see what I mean? I am sick and tired. And I was stating that when you are going on dates, you're dating. You'll figure it out. Use the right terms. Or I will be back to pick on you fucking nerds. Don't was doing this. Okay. I know this. Essentially what happened to me was saying is the timeline for relationship is pretty simple. You talk to someone. Meaning I see you at the bar. Hey, hey, hey, hey, how are you? You get a number. You're Kiki and Kakai. You're talking. When a date is set, when you go on a first date, when a date is set, you're dating. You can date multiple people during this time. You can date one person. If you've got a multiple dates, that's when the conversation happens where it's like, what are we? What are we defining this as? Is there a future here? When those conversations are met, that's when people now begin to verge off into relationship versus a situation. Because that's when this conversation happens, someone in the party says, what are we? And one person either goes, I think I want you to be my girlfriend, boyfriend. I think there's a future here. I want to see where this goes. I want to date you some more to get to know you. I want you to be my parents, but a lot. Or the other party says, actually, I just want to enjoy dating you. I want to enjoy with no commitments. We're not exclusive. We're not anything. Go forth. Go do your thing. And the other person might say, oh, we're dating. I really like you. I really want a relationship here. And the other person says, I'm already for that. I don't want a commitment. I'm really just interested in dating you right now. You then have to make the decision whether or not to continue dating them. Or if you want a relationship. You say, oh, peace. I'm actually really interested in a relationship. I don't want a situation. I'm out of here. Goodbye. But I think that's a bit scary, though. Yes. Right. I'll take it from a person I'm scared because if I'm talking so. Right. The reason why. If I don't want to be in a relationship with that person, I'm not bringing up the conversation. Because I'm afraid I say, okay, let's keep dating. Right. We would date to a brilliant because then it's like, am I allowed to see other people? Are you allowed to see other people? Yes. Now it's like, I can't do that. Why? I can't because at that point, then that's not even called a dating. Why? You can date multiple people during the dating stage. That's the thing, though. What? It's too much energy. What do you mean? It's too much energy. I think people. It's toxic. No, it's not. Okay, here's the thing. I think I want to redefine conversations around dating. Yeah. Before you even say that, right? Okay. I didn't get to talk about connection. Okay. If I pick someone, I see you. I don't know. Whenever we get it, so I talk about it. No, if I see you and I'm like, hey, like, think about it like a rom-com. Like a movie. Okay. Guys walking. No, no, no. We are in a movie. Life is a movie. Guys listen. Okay. Guys walking, girls walking. They come out of a cafe, they bump into each other. Right. They lock in eyes. They're like, oh my god. Wow. They start talking. Yeah. They realize they have stuff in common. Yeah. Right. They go out. They talk. A 30-minute day turns into a two-minute stroll in the park. Right. Yeah. They end up like walking, grabbing drinks, you know, and stuff. Right. All the stuff. Right. They go up in PM. They get into bed. Stuff happens. Mm-hmm. And the guys decides to call out our work. Right. And get together. The entire day. Okay. Right. Those two people are dating. You're trying to tell me that you're going to have that experience and then go on another type of that experience with somebody else. And then multiple people. Yes. This is how I think women are losing the dating match. Let me explain. I've talked about from a man perspective. Fuck that. No. Let me tell you. You might be the guy who. Okay. You're like one in a million. Let me explain this. You're one in a million. And that's not even true. Because I've seen you move. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Because here's the thing. Okay. Emotions can't be compartmentalized. No. That's toxic. Isn't it? Yes. I don't think so. I can. That is one of the comments. Huh. Here's how I think. Right. If I am talking to you. I'm talking to you. If we've not had the exclusivity conversation. I can talk to multiple people at the same time. I'm shopping around. I like. If I want a car. I can see the kind of different cars. They're out there. In the same way with the relationships. I don't want to. And hold on. No, I'm not. Well, lie. I just want to keep that in mind. I'm just going to. I just want to. To end this conversation. To end this conversation, the only reason. I would say I'm stuck in one person is. If I truly feel that this is where I want to be at that moment. But for the most part, I'm constantly shopping. Pause pause. Again, you're. You. You. If this is so cycle, right. You're equating Dayton. To shopping. It's not the same thing. How is it not the same thing? That's how I move, right. Like I would. Without this relationship. Are you not going to look at different business partners? This is no business. Yes, it is. I'm gonna talk about the things that have to do with the heart. Uh-huh. Right. That's why I don't understand. It's like, how are you going on a date with someone that you've not genuinely had a spark with? Right? Like I feel like... But sparks can be built. No, no, no, no. No, I disagree. I absolutely agree. No, no. I agree that I agree. If you go on a date, your first date with someone that you genuinely had a spark with, you're not someone that you swiped with, not someone that like... No, but think about it in this way. And I don't mean to interrupt you, but I'm interrupting you. Because you're talking about... I'm kidding. You're talking about this from like a person point of, oh, you're going on a date, and you think there was a huge spark there. You never... If you go two weeks into this dating and maybe you meet their family and they just realize, oh, their family is shitty. It affects your view of the person to know you guys might not work out. Right? That's something that life happens. We tend to say, in romcoms, we don't see the messy part of life, right? We don't see the part where like, you might have a spark with someone and then we find out that they actually just broke up with their ex a day ago. So the essence might be in love with you, but they realize this might be a really bad time for me to gain to another relationship, so I want to go away. But that's a good point though, right? Because you meet this one person, A, right? You go on a date, right? The spark is there. You go on another date and then you find out something and you're like, no, don't zone. You cannot have that person that you're like, okay, I don't like your family, but let me go on a date with this person. Now you're on a date with this person, so I don't like this sister. Is that okay? But they have this habit. But that's like for who are going on a constant hinge dates, right? Like, you can't hinge. So what your experience? That's why there's no success. That's no success. What? Success with people that go on multiple hinge dates. Yes, there is. Who I'm seeing. That is several people. That's what happen. So I think you're saying that from a perspective, and I always call you all on this attractive man, right? Well, like you have options. So you're able to double down and say you want this one person for now, right? For a lot of women in situations, I want a lot more women to think about dating as having options because you do women oftentimes think that because they really like this man, they want to stick to that man. Most men do not think in that way. Most people don't think in that way. Most people are constantly thinking of, I'm just simply dating. If you are dating, you are open season. Like you can choose whoever you want, go on dates with, and you're being very upfront whoever you're dating to, like for most part, when I'm when I'm going on dates like right now. I'm currently dating. Right? If I want to go out on dates, I can't. Okay. I'm just choosing not to. Okay. I want a lot more women to treat the dating stage as that you're simply dating. You're trying to figure out what you like and what you don't like. What we have to have one ends up happening a lot of times with women, especially is you find a guy you say you really like him for some reason. How do you even know what you like in a person? Is it the way they courted you? Is it the way they bought you flowers or they give you gifts? Is it the way they speak to you? You can't know that until you've constantly didn't want to. And then before I schooled me one person, they say, oh, I really liked him. And I'm stuck with them. They end up being together for the rest of their lives. That happens. Okay. Of course it does. I see what you're saying. But there's a people who will meet one person and will be stuck there. And then two years of the day, like, I wish I dated more. So I knew what I liked and what I didn't like, right? Because at the end of the day, a relationship is supposed to lead into whether or not a marriage. And then you're going to have children, you're going to be a little family. And marriage in itself is when you're actually saying legally, you become my partner in life for the rest of our lives. So to get to that point, for me, I think it's a very airy take. And areas like A-I-R-Y, so you're in the clouds, emotions, right? It's a very emotional take to say, you meet this one person, this person, because of how much feelings you have for the person. This is the person you're going to spend the rest of your lives with and you don't try to date other people. I think we're talking about it from two different perspectives. I think we're talking about this from like, I'm a logical, not like that. You just said from a female perspective, what you just said, like two women, I agree. I think I'm thinking about it as a guy, right? I think that's what I'm thinking about it because like, I'm not going on, you don't know, that's not you. You're the only guy who doesn't date people because women come to you. No, no, no, no, no, it's not possible. Don't. It's true, women come to you, that's why you don't date. If you and your person broke up today, you are not the man who's going to download dating apps to start dating people. No, no, no, no. You won't do that. You will go out tomorrow and three girls will hit on you. Are you find one that you really think you're attracted to? You're going to start dating that person. Are you really thinking? I end up marrying. I'm telling you, that's your M.O. Like, that's who you are. Like, you just have that aura. That's the reason. Whatever it is. But the connection has to be there. It doesn't make you connection with you. Find it. Look, because what you're saying, right? Like, if a woman is, I imagine I'm someone and I want to get into a relationship. I'm looking for a partner. And my, what I have to do is to date multiple people. That is exhausted. No, it's not. It's absolutely exhausting. Why do you think it is? It is because it's like, I don't think it's possible to have, because, okay, let's talk about timeframes. Okay. Because if we're talking about like, in a year, in a year, what is, what is like the minimum, what is medium and what's maximum? Right? No, no, no, no, that's okay. That perspective. Right? Because if you're a woman, and like, in a month, you're going on like seven different dates, I can, on average, every single month with seven different guys, that is exhausting. If you're trying to find something, it could be. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. In what part is you know, exhausted? Do you understand that? People are just like casual chilling. You know, people casually date, right? Like, people who are like, I'm not ready for relationship, but I want to have sexual partners. And I also want to just date. And just know what I like. We need to actually describe the people we're talking about. We're talking about everybody. I think, and I'll say this, like, maybe we don't talk about this enough. I think in our community, especially in the black community, dating is oftentimes found upon. I don't think in most parts of the world, it is found upon as much as our community is. Yeah. Like, the story we tell ourselves, especially is women are not supposed to date. This might as well come and pluck you. He picks you, you see you, you agree, and then you finally found your husband. Right. I think you just element. Right. Women don't get to choose what they want. Like, if you're at church, and this guy says he likes you, if he's tall, if he's fine, if his parents are good, if he has money, okay, fine. That's your mind. Go out and marry him. Well, get to choose. I agree with you. I agree with you. Do you have a lot of friends I have? When you see, call her daddies, the Remy Bader's of the world. When I hear my white friends talk about their dating lives, it's a lot more full, a lot more exhausting for sure. And they're very overwhelmed sometimes about like the people that they're dating. But they also have so many options. Like you, a woman, they would tell you, you get to meet multiple people and they get to understand what they like and what they don't like. I remember like, when I left my last relationship, one of the biggest things I told myself is I want to date more and then I ended up in a fucking situation where I was like, fuck, I don't know if I want to date anymore now. Right. So I'm here. But like, I really told myself, I was like, oh, I actually want to date now. I want to go on multiple dates, see what I like, see what I don't like. And in the short time that I even did those dates, it was so clear quickly, how many things I let slide because I thought this person was my person without actually thinking about what the dating stage was. Does that make sense? And I want more women to actually try that. And it's a perceptive thing. It's a prospective thing when you decide, I am simply dating to get to know what I like because you also have a choice. Okay. I swear. I swear. I swear. I swear. So the women are auditioning for you. I love women are in that audition phase as early as when they're young and they start having crushes where constantly auditioning to see which guy woman, whatever, is going to like me. I want women to say, oh, you audition for me, and you honestly, the women who honestly undergetting the men or the women who of their dreams, I don't want to tell you exactly what they want because they either dated or they know they have a list, they don't shine. because that experience I categorized as talking, right? It's like, we're like, how I was able to know, okay, this is a personal fault. That's where the TikTok comes in, right? Because I think you might feel a lot more weight and going on multiple dates with most people, because also you're the one spending the money. Exactly. Yeah, I feel like that's a huge part of why you're also like, I don't want to go on seven days away with women and have to pay for all this. That makes sense. Like, I want to just have, know that. Yeah, you want to talk and kick you kick you sheep is what he is, okay? I mean, times by eight. Yeah. It doesn't matter. It's like, it's like, it's my, it might understanding then. I think when you're talking, you're talking, when you guys start going on dates, you're going on dates. And usually what ends up happening within that dating stage is someone says, oh, actually, I'm catching feelings for you. What are we? Sometimes it's the guy who says, I think I really want to be my girlfriend. I might ask you soon, what are you feeling? Is that a piece? I know a girl is like, oh my god, I'm so excited. She finds out she's going to be the girlfriend. It makes sense. Other side is the girl, excuse me, brings up the what are we conversation. The guy says he's not ready for a commitment. She says she's not ready for a commitment. She lets stays in it. We're hoping he's ready. Does not stay in it. Vice versa, right? That I think is where situationships happen. Because if you're in a relationship with someone, right? Or in your dating someone. And you want more out of that situation. And the other person doesn't. It is up to you to decide whether or not you're going to stay or go. If you're choosing to stay, you're not dreaming. Oh, at some point in the future, we're going to end up together. You have to understand that you are simply staying in that situation with no labels, with no commitment, because you want to. And the moment you're tired of that situation, you should have the strength to exit. And I think a lot of stuff we're going to read today is women talking about how they feel like they don't, they want to leave within, they're scared of leaving, they're playing games, blah, blah. And then the day you know, every woman knows that all the games you're playing for the most part, they're not going to stay. If they didn't want you at the beginning, they're not going to want you at the end. And that's the tough pill that a lot of us don't want to hear. Well, no comments. Why? I'm going to scream on. You're setting up. Oh, okay, well, let's continue. And that and that. Because like, no, talk to talk talk, I want you to talk. I just don't, I just don't think it's that complicated, right? Because like, yes, because I feel like we did differently. Okay. First of all, yes, right? But we did differently, right? Because I imagine there are a lot of girls who would probably see me talking and be like, this man wasted my time. Like I talked to him for almost a year and it not leads anything. Now, on one end, any girl that I ever talked to for more than two weeks, and we just kept on talking and I never said anything, that I didn't have any intention. So explain for the women listening, explain to them why you knew in two weeks that you didn't want to commit, and why you kept it going. But that's the thing is, I don't think I've ever, the kept it going was never like, oh, I'm getting you on, I'm selling you on anything. I would never bring anything out that up. If you ask me, I'll tell you a point, but I know. I've heard this so many times. Do you know what I mean? So in my head, I'm just like, if I didn't tell you like in the first week, then it means that like everything that we did moving forward is because like you were like a willing participant. I think that's a cop out. Okay. And I think that's a cop out a lot of men and women, honestly, because we're talking about same sex and for like opposite sex relationships. I think that's a cop out. I think the most disrespectful thing you can do to somebody else is pretend like you don't know what the reality is. Let me explain what the way is. Like any human knows, because you didn't say something, doesn't know, doesn't mean you don't know it, it's happening or it exists. Right, right. But it's easier to enjoy something you're getting without confronting because you think you might lose it if you're confronted. And that's something selfishly you just chose to do. Right. So in many ways, a relationship is oftentimes selfish because honestly, you are enjoying whatever the talking stage dating part of it is. And wherever the partner is enjoying the same thing too, she might still be thinking, oh, one day he's going to see how great I am and then she's going to want to stay. And you're like, no girl, I'm just living my best life and join this up to you in that situation, to be the man or the person to say, hey, I want to make sure we're clear that this is not going anywhere. No, of course. You need to make it most of who never do that. And that's why dating is oftentimes really, really selfish and the women suffer the most, because women are the ones who are feeling all these emotions for the most part, right? Where it's like, hey, I'm thinking the other guy is going to be together forever. He's going to do this. And then guys, if you're like, I didn't tell you I was going to do any of that. So why, why are you thinking about it? So what you do in a situation where it's like, cybar, soulmates, right? Do you think there's like one person? Okay. Someone asked me that yesterday. Or yeah, yeah. Because like, I think about it from that situation, from that perspective, I'm like, okay. What if you don't want to tell the person? Because like, you really want them in your life. Yeah. I think the tough questions that needs to happen. And you need to suck it up and know you're going to lose someone if you're not. Because any of the day, you know what's crazy? You're just postponing the inevitable. Right. It's gonna happen. You're just pushing it. And not something I've never understood is when people draw out relationships. Because honestly, I didn't have the day. It ends worse and you lose out at the end of the day. That's true. If you know this is not going to end in what you think the other person really, really want. But you're too scared to tell them, you know for a fact, once they find out, whatever happens. Especially if you realize that for it. Right. Because sometimes like the other person is not realized and you realize, but then you don't want to say anything. You don't want to say anything. And then that person realizes and then the act on it and then everything is just like. And everyone knows the story. We've heard it several times. We know what happens. You know you're postponing the inevitable selfishly as humans want to protect this as much as we can before we know it blows up. Then you're just being selfish and have the day. And also for your soulmate question, I really think it's a disservice to humans to say you have one person out of seven billion humans for the rest of your life. I think that's like something that we're... For part of the delusion. Yes, a delusion. Like, and I think you can actively choose someone for the rest of your life. Anyone who's had a successful marriage can tell you that marriage is the hardest thing you'd have to go through because you're choosing to be with one person for the rest of your life. Loyal to the person. Or multiple people. Or multiple people. Like whatever your kick is, right? You're choosing partnership with this one person so you can make a life together, build a family, at the end of the day, that person could either be your soulmate to your best friend. But business oftentimes work when you guys work well together, right? And that's why I always say with marriage and partnerships, relationships, all that stuff, they need to work well. And the moment it's not working well, you choose to make it work. Go through therapy, talk to friends, revisit each other, date each other. So many ways to keep it going. And the woman is someone one of you gives up, that's when things end. In every relationship, the moment one of you gives up, the relationship is over. In a situation shift, the moment one of you is not willing to commit, there is no relationship to begin with. And you as the other person who is open to committing, you have to make the decision to either stay or go. And you're not staying because you're under the delusion that this person is going to somehow make it 180 and want you. You're staying because you're enjoying it. You're selfishly too wanting what it is at the moment and knowing fully well, you can detach. Now, a lot of women can say, I'm going to detach whenever I'm ready. And they didn't do any detach. Yeah, it's just because we're all human too. Yeah. So it's difficult for two people to be like, like there might be like successful situations, where two people are on the same page for a really long time, right? That's how it gets like the four years, five years. Like, four years, five years is crazy. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Some people, some people, I'm sorry. That one I'm looking into. If you're, if listen to me, if you're listening to this podcast right now, you can see that for four to five years, are you mad? Well, you can say that. I can't. You know what, you can say that. Because that, yeah, that contradicts everything. You've just talked to me. You are not choosing not to show your mad. What? Okay. So, because both of you have commit issues, you're practically in a relationship already, and then look at the people that will have to join to get out to fix me. I found this, I found this Reddit. I was going through Reddit, right? This particular one I found, all you to read it, says good enough to fuck, but not to date. Okay. Someone says, I had been having sex with my friends who benefit for a few months. We go out clubbing, we do dinners, we sleep over, we talk for hours, I ended up falling for her and I confess my feelings. She told me that as much as she enjoyed fucking me, she would never date an Asian. Good enough to fuck, but not good enough today. He should walk away. Why is he still there? What do you mean why is this to me? Can we talk about this real quick? Why do people equate fucking and good sex to being a good partner? I've had some really, really good sex in my life and I knew for a fact they're going to be shitty partners, but it was just a really good lay. It was, we enjoyed fucking the shit out of each other. Also, sidebar. Is it bad that people want both? Oh, which, that you could have both. Of course, that's also, I think in many ways, you can train someone to have good sex with you. Some people like to think in a world where you can't, some people learn sex as you go. Like you learn each other's bodies, you make it fun, it's fun, whatever. But for the most part in this situation, what are you talking about? Just go, walk away. Walk away. If someone is clarity told you explicitly, you're not good enough today. Why would you sit in that situation? And if you like to fuck them and you really don't want to date them, then yeah, fuck them and keep going. But if you really want to date, then why would you still stay in that situation? Especially when they've clarity told you, first of all, that's even racist. Anyway, I'll never date an Asian, it's crazy. You want to fuck me, but you want to... No, but like, those are some of the elements that you used to choose though. What do you mean? Right, it's like, it's looks, it's race is, you know? Personally, everything I've said still stands, if you are in a relationship, or you're talking or dating someone, and one party is explicitly said, no to something. You are actively choosing to ignore what they said to pursue what you're hearing. Because right now, the person he's saying, she clearly said, I enjoy fucking you, but I'm never gonna date you. There's nothing else to think about. If you want to date her, she said she's not dating you. Nothing, you cannot change your race. Nothing you can do is going to change that. But you might be able to change her mind. How? And that thinking is like why if I get this relationship? So this says, is this emotional laziness or more than dating culture? I feel like people, not everybody has to like you. Not everybody wants to date you. But they want to have sex too? Yes. How is that a bad thing? How is it a bad thing? Yes. How can you, because how can you want me? Okay. But not want me. Uh-uh. Are you telling me you're a dick, and you're a persona, a very, a joint? Yeah, but you can't ignore the fact that like, it's too part of the person. You know, I've, I've, I've known some people who have like, who can put it down in the bed. I get what you're saying, but the sex is great. I'm just going to suck it up. Well, you don't talk when you're talking. You're not going to have sex with a terrible human being. Should I, should I mention a list of people who might be good? Okay. Right here. Let's first of all, please do not kiss me. No, it's true though. No. Thank you another one that is probably good or summer. I'm sure if you knew I'd probably be like, yo, that's, that's crazy. No, it's too loud. Should I keep going? No. Okay. I don't know if I come from a different school of thought, but I think mixing good sex with being a good partner confuses people. Yeah. You know what I mean? Because you can have really, really good sex, and the person might not just be a good partner to you. I've had that several times. That's okay. You don't have to confuse the two. And also that's where the conversation comes in about like, dating and having sex and how that can cloud your judgment, because there are people who like, because they have, and they enjoy the sex so much and the passion is there. Right. Anyone in marriage who tell you passion will go away. Passion fades. Love goes away. If you do not like a person or your partner, the relationship is not going to last a long time. So in this situation, the girl is clearly telling him, I do not like you. I enjoy having sex with you, but I do not like you. That's a big thing to remember. But I mean, she doesn't enjoy having sex with him. She enjoys having sex period. No. I can enjoy having sex with you. I don't like you. But after this thing, that means like, the person doesn't matter, because like, you have sex. No, no, yes, that's what I'm saying. If you have sex with someone, right? It's like, at that point, the person is just like a toy. Like, meaning that you can replace the person and you will still enjoy the sex. I feel like I don't think so. It's not about the sex with that person. No, because I've had sex with someone who like, it was really good, but we didn't work out, but it was really good. We spent like three days together. It's like, well, like, lesbian life. Like, you just spend a whole weekend together. You're like, oh, we're gonna be, you're gonna be different. But it was just like, no, it was three days and we're fine and then I moved on. If we, if I had thought, because of those three days, I was gonna end up with her, then okay. But those three days were the best three days, the best time, cuddled up, loved up, watched every single thing on the moon. We're chilling. And I still know we're not good partners to each other. You know what I mean? Like, it happens. I don't think we need to equate that with being a good partner because you can simply have, so I know a woman sometimes, you heard this term, decmatized, right? When you're so like, you're so in love with this idea of this person, are you actually forget that this person is actually like, no, they have good dick. So you're like, oh, because they have good dick, that means they love of my life. Let the emotions go down. You realize that they just terrible people. Okay. So can you ever flip a situation ship into relationship? I think so. I think you're talking, you're coming from a place of power. Can we like talk about this? Okay. The power dynamics. Well, see, let me explain to you this. Okay. And I think maybe that's why people who listen to my podcast, I want to teach this particular rhetoric. I would never, ever, ever, ever let a woman not understand that she has power to in a relationship. For too long, women are told they have to wait to be chosen. They have to wait to be told or to be picked. Yeah. Every single, since we're kids, I don't want any girls to feel that way. Like, I was talking to a guy friend the other day, and he literally was like, aren't you ready to settle down? Like, what's wrong with you? Find a man, find a designer told him, I said, no. Like, why are you telling me that? You're almost, you're in your 30s, early 30s now. Why are you telling me? Because you're not settling down. You're not looking for a marriage. You're not looking for a relationship. So why are you telling me to do the same thing? Right? Fissiah Longue is the owner of Chi Collective, and there was a tweet I saw where her mom said, she's been telling women not to get engaged and not to be in relationships with men, and now she's just going engaged. And people were like, she's also runs a billion dollar business. Why didn't they get inspired by her business acumen? Why they focus on the fact that she does so as a man, now she's in love. For me, I want women to understand that you have a choice too. And I was talking to someone the other day too, about emotions, and now women have a lot more emotions and feelings that we care. But that's because we're raised to be nurturers. We're raised to be mothers, wives, all these stuff. Think for yourself too. Why do you think you want this person so bad, especially when they're not choosing you too? If you want someone who chooses you for you, and if someone is in choosing you, you have every fucking right to leave that situation. You're not powerless in this. Like, you deserve better. You deserve someone who would choose you and want you. And the caveat to that is, especially if you know how much you want them. Like, every situation she might have heard is the girl saying, maybe someday he's going to pick me. Maybe someday she's going to pick me. I need to wait. I would always go into a relationship like it's a partnership. Yeah. Every relationship is a partnership. A woman and a man, a woman and a man and a man. Whatever dynamic is, every partnership should become English is terrible. Everyone should go into partnership on equal, on an equal level. Yeah. So it makes sense. Every partnership needs to start equal, meaning both of you are making the decision to be together at that point for a reason. So if both of you are like, we just broke up with our exes, we'll really enjoy each other's company. For now, let's have this tough conversation. I really like you, you really like me, but I'm not ready for a relationship. You're not ready for a relationship. We can have fun. Whenever this becomes more for you or for me, we'll have that tough conversation. I know for a fact, if I wanted to be in a relationship tomorrow, I would find a relationship. Like, I'm going to go. Like, I will not wait for that moment. I think that's cool. I hope it would be. So that's the thing that's like, I feel like, you guys got us know in the comments. Yeah. Because, because of what you said about, like for me in the dating scene, I understand the privilege that I have. So in my head, I'm like, it's everyone having this experience. Even for you, right? When you say that and you should say that, women should know that they have the choice. But it's like, in like the actual dating scene, it's that the way it is. Because you end up, because I can also see how like, it's like a pendulum, right? I can see how like that advice. And that's what we see going on. It swings so much. I feel people love extremes. And then they take it to the extreme that they end up like being single for years. And now they're like 38, 39. And they're like, oh yeah, but like this was the advice that I received, but I could not work. But yeah, it's because like, you went all the way. Okay. Do you know what I mean? It's just like, what is the middle? For someone who is like, okay, I'm viewed and up the esteem. So someone told me that men don't end up with someone they love. They end up with someone who's going to start their family. Would they going to start a family with? So it might be love. I know like a 21 that this is personally going to marry with they realize that they know already yet. So at 30 when they're ready to have a family, whoever's available, they marry and they create that life with. That always stuck with me. Because I don't think women try to operate that way. I don't think that's true. What's that? I'm talking for me. I don't think that's true. I don't think that's true. I think that's a 70% true. I think that statement. Because that's like considering the fact that like, the person is also thinking about like. Because think about it. For a lot of guys. Let me give you a, for me, I think my choice is one. Someone that's like, I'm absolutely in love with. But like someone who's going to be a live partner because like, it's difficult to find someone that like, you connect with that can be with you like 100% right? And I think that's the baseline. Children, all those things are extra. By doing, understand why some people care about all those other things. Because it's for me, I'm more career focused. So the career could be the children in that situation. Well, say again, as a man, you're career focused, right? So like, you are allowed to be career focused at your age. Women aren't, because women have a biological clock, right? So a woman's perspective is. They say they aren't? They're not. They're not allowed to be. Okay. I said, like the society doesn't tell them, I don't tell them it's a countdown. I wish that perspective shifted. Yeah. Because even within dating, I think if more women, if you started dating at 20, if you wanted to, if you wanted to get married at 25, well, you never actually started dating till 24. In any mathematical situation or statistics, that is saying like you're letting yourself off at the negative probability that that's going down. You're probably going to lose your. Right? So if you want to get married at 25 and you start dating at 21, there's a high chance. Meeting with people going out, joining Facebook groups, like sports groups, doing actively seeking out opportunities to date. And also, I'm off the thought process that if you want to date, you should date like you're applying for a job. That's always been my thing. I don't think people think about that way. Maybe I'm just so logical when I think about relationships. No, no, you're right. Just think about it. I know so many of my friends who are like, I really want a guy, but they've been in their house for the past two weeks. They've never gone out. They don't have any extracurricular activities. They don't play flak football. They don't go out to dinners. They don't go to bars. Can we meet some toxic men in flak football? You know, I mean, basketball, they don't go to like gyms. You know what I mean? They don't do anything, but they stay at home and complain. If I wanted to date someone at 25 and I started dating at 21, and maybe at 21 I was still in college. So I wanted to really go out in days. I'll join dating app or I will join like my youth Bible group or something. There's a higher chance I'm going to meet somebody if I did that. And if I did that at 21, 22, 32, 24, after four years as a higher chance, I'm going to meet someone. Why are you searching? I think what Sophie's explaining is it was pragmatic, like approach to dating that I've ever seen. And like, you know, I'm always looking for what is like a one step solution to something. And I think what you're talking about like is, because like there are a lot of like, people can give you their experience with like, oh my god, I met this guy, romcom movie, right? Or some people's like, Oh, my day to life is super hard. But like if you actually like, you're like, my goal is to succeed in this thing. What you want to do is like, go out there and like, yeah, I feel like is this conversation about how like not de-centering men, de-centering people would not dating? But like if people want partnership for the rest of their lives, let them find partnership. Like if I wanted a job, I would apply to a hundred jobs to find that one job was all I need is a yes. You said de-centering men, and I'm like, you know what, let me just take this part of religion and just throw it into the mix. Because everything we're talking about, like yes, if we throw religion into the mix. No, but religion makes it even simpler and easier. Because religion tells you, no, no, no, no, no. Because if you think about it, religion tells you, in Islam especially, most, how most women get married so young is that you go to the mosque, sit down. Once auntie's son's uncle has told you that, oh, this person is singulu. This way, oh, my daughter is singulu. Oh, let us talk to each other. Let's bring it up. Oh, they are fine. Yeah, they're gonna get married. That's how it works. Yeah, but if you go and create, most of, most very, very strict Christian households is the same thing too. Somebody knows somebody whose son is singulu, whose daughter is singulu. They both match and then they work. And then most of those relationships, they might not be the most passionate, fully loving, whatever, whatever relationships. But most of those also are either, either really, really toxic or they end up being really, really stable because they understand going into that, that it's a partnership. Right. Like, we know we wanna give birth to kids, have those kids, raise those kids. Well, would you classify those relationships like successful? What is success? No, because like, I feel like. Do you think relationships are successful based on passion, based on love? Because if you hear Michelle Obama and Barack Obama talk about relationships, Michelle makes it very clear. There are moments where I did not love this man. Boy, he was my partner. I agree. And I think, I'm talking about this selection, but Michelle and Barack are different selection process to what you just described, right? Because, but Michelle will tell you that even when we're gonna date and stuff, it was like, I'm never gonna go for him. Cause I don't know this man. But, but those are points where like, they actually like, started dating, they got into it, they moved in together, right? Like, there's a whole process versus like, two people who just like, oh, like, this is a partnership. But there's a lot of like, like, that will probably exist on the knee, that like, okay, this is a partnership. And it will probably end up working. What is never spoken about? It could be the sex, it could be the treatment, it could be love. But also like, I think the way you go into a relationship, dictates the outcome. Like, for a lot of arranged marriages, the women going into it, sometimes going and saying, I'm never, this is not gonna be the love of my life. I've left, left, left, let that go. But I'm going to make this the most successful relationship I've ever been in. Pragmactic. That's the very, because like, I see what you're saying, but it's like, it is this mindset that you can like, cheat yourself into creating your reality. That's what we do with life. No, I know, I know, I know. But I think people don't, people don't move like that. That's why I want, if you're listening to this, I want you to start moving like that right away. Okay. Because you don't understand, nobody knows what we're doing in this life. No man has the power to know what they're doing in this life. Nobody does. We're all faking this shit. My God, that's true, because that dictates your action. That dictates your action the entire way. It's like, are you looking at this man? I was like, okay, this is a man that like, I want to love. Let's make you get what makes him the person that is the person that is going to be the best person for you for the rest of their life. Who is he? He's figuring his shit out too. You're figuring out shit out too. I just had goosebumps. You're so stupid. No, then I can see it. I actually can't. No, I have goosebumps. That's why women went to start thinking of like, we're literally all faking this shit. You have the power. You can decide how you deal with relationships. No one has to tell you that. Your emotions, mata, your love matters, your life matters. And we give too much power to the other person to pick us, choose us. No, we're faking this shit. Everyone's faking it. People can explain that way out of everything. Why can't you explain yourself out of this one? Anyways. So next bar, the what are we conversation? Pray. I am misses. What are we? Who is the problem? I don't think there's a problem there. Okay. So I, I like, I don't know if you can tell by this podcast. I said, I like control. I like clarity. And I think things get really messy when there is no clarity in conversations. For example, if I meet someone I really like from the get go, I'm asking my conversation, what are you looking for? Right. I'm not scared of an answer because if you tell me, oh, I'm just looking for someone to hang out with and I've sex with. I'm going to respond exactly accordingly. If I'm like, oh, I'm not really looking for that. Do you want somebody? No. If I'm not looking for that, then we don't align. I move on. If we don't align, but I'm really curious to see how I can experience you, I stay. But it's, it's never going to be lost on me that you didn't want what I could have wanted. That's not like sense. So when I hear the, what are we conversation? Too many people are too scared to say, I don't want to push them away. If you're already thinking that, you shouldn't be with the person. Where? Because someone who wants to be with you shouldn't be scared of the what are we conversation. They shouldn't even welcome it. And never be too afraid, especially if you're already thinking it, excuse me, to ask that question, what are we? Are we going to be dating soon? Is there a future here? Do you see a future with us? And make sure that caveat is spoken not in like really intense moments, but off the get go. If you're talking date number four or five, you've gone on multiple dates, this is when you're like, maybe at some point you're like, hmm, I'm really trying to see other people if he's person is interested, but I enjoy having dinner with them, or going to museum, or having exploring, whatever, whatever. So let me double check to make sure we're on the same page. Ask. What are we? Oh, I'm, I just, I really enjoy dating you, but I don't know if there's a future here. Understood. People oftentimes run away from that question because that oftentimes dictates how the relationship continues on. Because if I'm someone who, if I ever ask you, what are we? Are you told me, oh, you really are interested in a relationship? And I'm like, oh, you're moving too fast for me. I don't think that's what I'm interested in. Then the dynamic shifts and some people don't oftentimes want to shake that dynamic. Well, that's also where selfishness comes in. Right. Because I remember my most recent, what are we conversation? I remember like I told this person I love them, we're really, really good. And I was like, hmm, I wasn't looking for a relationship, but I'm in love with someone. So now this is me being very toxic because I will mind and love with you but I don't want a relationship. I need to unpack that therapy is helping. But I want to make sure me and you are on the same page about what we are. So what are we? Oh, I don't want anything serious. Oh, then I shouldn't be telling I love you. I need to pull this back so it doesn't get bad for both of us. That's why emotions come in. Oh, that's going to be messy. Oh, that's not fair. Oh, I can love you, but still no one will be ready for something. That's true. So there are other people who can love me and are ready. And as a decision, I'm going to actually we have to decide on whether I want to continue with you or not. We don't like having those conversations because the thing is difficult, which it is. Right. So how can people be more brave towards like taking those risks, right? Because I feel like a lot of people are weighted down by their past. And what you're explaining is like, people need to kind of like think future and think for. Yeah, I think too many people really, I don't know everything guys. If you listen to this, like I'm not kind of do pragmatic Sophie. I know it's not at all. I give grace and with relationships a lot because I think and I think I grew up with a single mom, right? My mom has always been the one. Like she hadn't been coming in out of the house as like whatever. For the most part, like my mom was my mom. Like she's a single mom. She did everything she wanted to do. Who happened? I just, you should be a little bit. She's like, keep on coming. So I think I also view relationships very differently because I know I can survive by myself. Does that make sense? So I think that also like as equipped me to think the way I think I want more people to have an active choice in their love life. Because we all do, right? At the end of the day, if you want something and the person you're talking to, you're with doesn't want the same thing as you, you have every right to leave, to go away, to leave. And I know I think we're going to talk about it. Some girls said like, oh, like I went on another day and he blocked me and he stopped talking to me. And that's not your person. Like move on. Like that's not your part. And it's, I like to say like I enjoy heartbreak. I know I've told you this before, like I enjoy heartbreak. I enjoy falling in love and falling out of love. Cause I feel like it makes me feel like I'm human. And I understand like, cause even with friendships, right? Like I am not the person who weighs relationships and friendships as very separate. Yeah. People tend to forget that you're going to have friendships that you have for the rest of your life. Why are you going to look at the same thing relationships? So why are you going to make them separate, right? A relationship is just you're having sex with the person. Usually that's mostly what the difference is. And you guys have signed documents to say, you're going to be, you know, life partners have kids together. Hopefully that person is your best friend. Hopefully that person is your best friend. But for the most part, like you're dealing with relationships the same way you're going to deal with friendships. What if they ignore your best friend? It's not possible. Yeah. Could I be a relationship where I had my best friend and I also was with someone. And my partner was not my best friend. Could that be why I probably didn't work? No, I don't think so. I, I feel like I'm. Because my best friend is element. Yeah. No, but my partner is my best friend. Like of course, they're my best friend. Oh, she's not told them everything. Yeah, like people also have different best friends. Yeah, like of course, like they're my best friend. We talk about everything. I can depend on them for everything. But it's you're putting so much in one person. Yeah, but like he's also a good, it's a good thing. Like because sometimes like the relationship and the love might just fall off for a second. Yeah. And if you have that like, oh, this person is my best friend. I actually care about this person, right? Also, when we talk about it from the beginning, you have to like the person. Like actually, like this person, you know, like I don't want this because those things will help kind of like bring back like, you know what? Let me know do this thing or let me change this. Yeah. And I think that's where for me, I always want to like my partner. Like if I like you, everything else works. Like as long as we're friends, we're cool. You're my guy, you're my G, we're set, we're set. Okay, so I want us to be honest. I'm going to skip down a little bit to this. Honesty hour. Okay. Who is more delusional men or women in situations? Be honest. I don't know. I actually don't know. I feel like because I think in straight relationships, right, we tend to hear more stories of women being delusional. But in same sex relationships, that kind of doesn't matter because it can be either or I've seen some to fam relationships where like both of them are women in a situation and like one of them is still delusional. Like it doesn't matter. I think the person who is delusional is a person who wants something and thinks what they've been told could change. Okay. Right. Like if someone tells you I'm not ready for a relationship, I don't want anything serious. Why would you think that they would want something serious to months from now? If you grow up and you're constantly hearing, you need to behave a certain way to be picked. This is how, this is where you go to listen to stuff. Because you're seeking the man's validation. You're seeking the man's approval when that should not be the case. In any situation, you should be also shopping. Right. You should also want and have the power in whatever partnership to, right? So if he's saying women in situations, again, we want in a situation ship, who is there because she doesn't want to be there? It's most likely because she's willing to be chosen. She's lying to herself, self-esteem, and she's whatever whatever. That's the cold truth. If you want more, go find more. Like for me, if I'm in a situation ship, it's because I want to be in a situation ship. Like we're both like, we're both already, let's have fun while we want to. When one person's ready to go out, you go out, have a nice day, have a nice life, have fun. Right. The amount of men that you've tortured. Yo, the amount of men, bro. That would tell this, too. And they just don't understand how I'm thinking that way. And who finding more of a challenge to then try to pull me down, try to say, no, I'm going to hurt you. I'm going to treat you all in there. No, I mean it. If I don't want you, I don't want you. Like I'm not going to pretend any other way. Like, I just laugh because I'm thinking about different memories. Again, it's all about self-esteem and choice. We have choices. Women have choices in this. And once they realize that, the game is different. Like dating, dating should never be a matter of like, oh, I'm waiting for this person to choose me. I'm going to his house or her house to why? OK, so we were he saying, if you go on a date with a guy, what are some of those things? Right, they, you, for example, would be able to be like, oh, this is the difference. Like, OK, I'm dating someone. This is someone that wants to fucking, this is someone that doesn't. Why don't you just ask? Where we play mind games? I'm so confused. Like, why don't we ask? Right. You know what I mean? Like, why so many games? Why we play games? I think, OK, what if you don't want to ask? What if you don't have the ball? Why? OK. You should. Let me let my two loud podcasts, this is in two episodes too. Let's start growing balls. Everybody. Let's ask questions. Let's try this alternative, right? What if you just don't put in as much energy and use what you said? You see how messy you can? No, date him. They'll also date other people until, and give him time. Why not just find clarity? What is this? What is our version to finding clarity in relationships? How many times have you seen someone who you want to be friends with? Yeah, well, let me know with. As soon as you start questioning, you need to start asking. It's like after the first day. No, as soon as, it doesn't matter. I can date you five times and still not come up, because maybe I'm not that interested. OK. And then if it comes up for you, you ask me, who decides when it's too early enough? I know people who have met at the first day, look at each other and said, I'm going to marry you next week. And they get married next week. And the people who date for two years, and they're like, oh, we're never going to get married. And they had that conversation. More courage. Why not? Because the biggest thing to understand is if you don't ask, you're postponing the inevitable. Because it will come up as someone's expense. It might be your expense or their expense. We just need to ask. It's terrifying. It is so scary. But one thing that's always helped me in dating is I'm going to be the one to ask. Or are you single? Are you looking to date someone? Are you looking for a relationship? And if someone comes to me when I ask them, they're like, oh, you're moving too fast. You're moving too slow, baby, at the door. Why am I wasting my time with your child? Why are we playing those games? Right. If I ask you, is there more to this? Or are you just wanting to fucking go? The more I just look to them, I'm going to be like, you just want to fucking leave, right? No, no, no, no, no, I want to date. No, that's OK, don't lie, baby. It's OK, like, just answer. We're going to just fucking leave. That's fine. The games come in when you start playing mind games with each other, like, oh, if I tell her, yes, she's not going to let me fuck if I tell her, no, that's when complications happen. Because then people are like, because then if you now lie to me, because people lie, sorry guys, if I keep flashing you, we'll have him sitting. I'm getting so comfortable. If people lie too, right? So that's when the sermon comes in. So if I ask someone who I really, really like, hey, do you know where this is going? And they're like, oh, yeah, for sure. I want to date you, I want to get to know you. And I say, OK, I'm in. And I start talking to them, whatever. We finally have sex. And then they go to me or they leave. That's not on me. That's on them. Like, you chose to lie. You carry that burden. I didn't. And it might sound so easy for me to say this now. But I hope I hate that women blame themselves for not having the foresight for wicked people. Yeah. Like, because someone shots you, doesn't mean you're at fault for standing in front of the gun. Yeah. You know what, how fast you run? The bullets still found you and it shot you. You and body can blame you for that. I think a lot of people scream self-love. Yeah. But like, there's an action that comes with self-love that I think people don't have. Because honestly, if you love yourself, nobody can treat you. Nobody can treat you. When I tell you, the girlies who are spoiled, rotten, I usually, let me tell you this, when I was growing up, I used to still, I'm not going to lie. I used to think, maybe not. Maybe when I was like in college, or maybe high school, when I didn't understand where I fit in, I used to be so jealous of the girls who just said it like it was. Like, they were the ones who got into the relationship. And I was the one who would be like, waiting. Waiting for him to notice me. I know it's hard to notice me. I'm waiting for this, I'm waiting for that. And I began to realize, because I would be hating on those girls, like, how are they the ones getting them at? They don't waver in their standards. They don't. They tell you exactly what it is. They ask you the question. They don't play. You know coming into this exactly the kind of man or woman they're attracting, and they get it. If you're going to come into my life and my space, I know exactly what I want. The only reason I don't want to be in a relationship is because I don't want a relationship. If I want a relationship today, I'll be in a relationship today. And if someone listens to this season's other challenge to come up and try to be in a relationship with me, I don't want it. And I'll tell you that, because I'm not ready for one, right? But I don't mean that I don't want to have fun. Question. Tell me. You're feeling down, Mike. I know I'm so sorry. Sorry, guys. The audio is so bad. We might figure this out. It's passionate. Yeah, we'll figure it through. What would make you be ready for a relationship? No, I'm curious. Right now? Yeah. I don't know. I don't, because like, in many ways, my priority right now is my career, right? And anyone who knows me knows how much I love love. And anyone in my friend group would tell you that, I love really hard, and I love well, and I enjoy loving. But I just don't know if someone, one person deserving of all that love. I don't know, it makes me cocky or arrogant or whatever, but like, I don't know if I've met someone who's matching my energy. So that's the thing is, it will be about the person. It will be about me. No, no, no, yeah. Because I'm not actively seeking a relationship, right? I don't think anyone, and this is mine. People should be, again, this is where I stand. You don't think anyone should be looking for relationships? Yeah, I don't think anyone should be looking for relationships. You just negate everything I said from the beginning of this episode. Yes, but remember what I said from the start? Which is what? I think you need to exist and go to things that you enjoy, and that love, like, finds you. I'm stupid. No, I'm telling you, I'm telling you. And it works in my, when I think with, when I think about. So for someone like me, let me give an example. Yes, if I, I could never end up with someone, if I do exactly what I'm doing, I wake up, I film, I sleep, I wake up, I film, I sleep in my house. Get in your house. In your house. In your house for sure. Yes, yes. That's what I'm saying. But I'm taking your advice and I'm measuring it together. Okay. Your pragmatic, like, spreadsheet, excel sheet, date two, two, three, two, three, two, three. That's not what I'm talking about. If you go out, like, if you, with the goals and everything you want out of life over the next 10 years that we talk about, like, if you chase that, for sure, you're going to meet someone who's going to be like, who's going to match your energy? Like it's guaranteed. Think about it, Tracy Ellis Ross, because we're also thinking about this from the standpoint of, of me, are you talking? Well, there's a lot of dynamics in play in society, meaning you're a dark skinned black woman. You're a short, you're tall. You might have an accent. You might not live in the home country. You might live abroad. This is different. Like you're educated, you're not educated. You have money, you don't have money. All these influence relationships and your ability to choose, right? Like, if you are in college in this situation, you start dating someone. It makes sense that you're going to find somebody that end up in the dark. Okay. Long story short. Okay. When you describe, you, I do partner. No, because like, that's, that's beautiful partner. Oh my god, I've never thought about this. Holy shit. Describe it. This is why I'm not in a relationship, because I don't, oh, you describe. Oh, well, you describe my girlfriend. Okay. Someone who is in my industry, someone who understands what I do, someone who is asked career driven as me, they're like, we both push each other. No one has ever asked me to describe my ideal partner. Yeah. No, this is giving me. No, because you know what? I said so because you just, you describe Tracy as Ross, right? And she's single. I guess, yeah. Because I mean, imagine like, yes, you're going to be in all these different situations. And yet, if you have standards, if you have something that you want, right? I do be the type of person, everyone is, nobody's perfect, right? So that person is going to also have something that they're not able to give, but the thing that they're able to give is so much more that it complements like what you have going on. That's what I'm like. What is yours? What is yours? Interesting. Okay, let's tell you what you want. Who is this person? Who is this person? Who is my ideal person? Who is my ideal partner? Obviously, the agenda doesn't matter, right? Yeah. So that's one. Oh my God. What do these like? I've never thought about this before. Right? I think that's probably why like, also when I talk about relationships, like, interesting. Okay. Try, try. Okay. Let's start with this. Like, what did you like? My ideal partner. Because also what's not helping right now is I'm thinking about what I've had in the past. And I'm like, forget about that. Okay, future, future Sophie thinking. What is my ideal partner? Forget about your future of where you think you want to go because in this scenario, this person might not have the same career success because you don't care about those things. Right? Just who is this person as a person? I want someone who's driven. Okay. Someone who makes me laugh. Really, really hard. Someone intentional. But I mean, so someone who's very like intentional about planning to can care of me, all that stuff. Someone who is considerate. Someone who's nice. I want a nice person in my life. Someone who's family oriented. Their family's big and important to them. Because my family's like huge and important to me. Someone who makes money. Like, I need someone who's not, because I have a lot of money, thank God. But like, I don't, they don't need to make more of them me or even as much as I just need to be making money enough to where they can take care of themselves. You shouldn't be broke. Study income. Yes, study income is good. That's pretty much it. I think. No. Okay. Anything else you want to add? Ideally, I don't, I think I'm going to end up with a woman. Okay. Like, I don't see myself getting married. I don't, I have no interest in marrying a man. My mom would hate that. I think that's something else. So I'm packing another. Yeah, interesting. But yeah, that is my ideal person. I'm going to, we might have this conversation again in a different episode, because I'm actually not going to sit and journal about who I want my ideal partner to be, because I am not ready for a relationship now. I'm enjoying just sort of like, I'm okay. Like God, you know what would be so cool? If you write that list and then you read it to your mom and ask your mom, like, what do you think? Interesting. That would be crazy. Okay. Guys, go to mytulaw.com slash date Sophie to apply. Now, why do you do not do that? I'm curious, I'm going to write that. I'm maybe in another episode when we talk about relationships in some capacity, we'll bring this back up. Interesting. You stop me with that one. Okay. No, that was in my notes. I know, you just thought about it. Okay, look at us. So moving on from that, grown women in situations. Okay. Right, because you talked about this biological cock. Mm-hmm. Because I've been trying some things that's popular or not, society says that women are emotionally mature, right? The older women are, yes. But how do women to end up in situations? Why not choosing themselves? I feel like that's an easy answer. It's not, it's the fact. Oh, sorry. Suggestionships are easy. Relationships are hard. Okay. Right? But you can flip that as somebody who... How do you... No, finish your thought. You can flip that as someone who is talking about, like, almost theories in a situation shift. Again, from the beginning of this conversation, we've made it clear, you're in a situation shift when one of the other party is not interested in wanting to be in a committed relationship or have a label. If you are, you should be out of there. That's the caveat. If both of you are in a ship and at some point the conversation comes up, what are we? At one person says, I'm not ready yet. The other person says, but I am. The logical thing to do is to walk away. Right. Because I know points that they tell you I'm going to be ready soon. Now, that's different. Someone says, I'm going to be ready soon. And you say, okay, when you are ready, come find me. Right. I could have moved on and now it's your loss. Because again, that takes a certain level of self-esteem. You know what I mean? Like, oh, if you lost me, you might come back. But most of the time, when you go, they don't come back. They don't have people deep that. Like, as to my situation with some, the girl is like, oh, yeah, like I walked away and I was hoping he came find me. He didn't. And then two months later, he was married or she was married. Right. But for someone who is 35. Yeah. Right. Power to the clock. They want to have children. Yeah. All of that. What if that's another reason why they don't want to leave? Because they feel like they might not be able to jump into ditches. Are you willing to continue to be in a cycle of exhaustion of where someone isn't choosing you because of something that is still keeping you unhappy? Right. Because even in situations like that, if you're unhappy in a situation ship, that's not healthy for you if you're trying to get pregnant. Yeah. That's not healthy decisions being in general. And also, and that person are going to make a good partner. No. A good parent. A good husband. A good father. That's a good way to look at it. Because like, those bad decisions now transcend your happiness to them, your children. This is so direct. Some people are not going to be find a partner. Yeah. It sucks to hear. You might not ever end up with your own person. Right. Because life could be unfair. Oh, you, I feel like you might have to find their love. You might have to find their love at 21. And someone, the partner passes away. And so they never find love again for the rest of their life. Or they find a limit 50 or 60. No, that's the thing. If you want children who have children, where? Like IVF all that stuff. Yeah. Yeah. If you can afford it. Yeah. But if not, I know I'm so young to say, and it's really hard, but one thing I know, and give me this pragmatic start at me talking, I surround myself with people who like, I've built such a rich environment for myself. I am not focused solely on finding that partner for me. Yeah. I am building a community of people around me. Every one of my friends is either married or asked kids or something. So I'm going to be the auntie with all these people around me. I still says the same thing. You know what I mean? I'm building such a rich community, because life isn't only found with one person for the rest of your life. You can live a full life with people around you, right? Like I hear that a lot. And we talk about people like women not having children and then being old and no one taking care of them when they're older. Yeah. But there are also people who have children and whose children hate them and abandon them in nursing homes. Those children pass away and so they still end up alone. People have different stories about losing up to also have children. Yeah. I think just never know. And the world is so chaotic now. But I don't even know if the world is going to still be here in two years. In 10 years of global warming, you never know so act now. Choose yourself. Choose your happiness. Choose your fucking joy. Yeah. If you're listening to this and you're like in something that does not suit you, there's not fuel you up. Leave. Yeah. It's not going to change. Like I have never heard someone say you were so unhappy with this person yesterday and the person did a whole 180 and now they're the best person for you, especially without any therapy or thinking or thought. Like that's not how life works. I also have more conversations with people too because like that's one thing I'm very fortunate to have like I've had conversations like my sister who is like she doesn't want to have children. Yeah. Right. I think sometimes like when you're in rooms and you're only in conversations with people who are thinking one way of like or family children and deep down like maybe like you know on the fence, but like you're not sure if you want it. Yeah. Obviously you're going to want or everyone because like then you'd be the only one out. But if you're out there like finding new communities talking to people. I realized how important community was when last year, really last year, so I think my friend just broke up with her boyfriend when they were getting back together. One of my friends are just going married and another one of my friend was actively dating. I know my friend, I just give him birth, my brother just giving birth. So there's so much family and courtship and love happening. And I remember people kept making comments about how like I would end up as the next tracialist Ross. Like I would be the auntie without the kids or the partner or whatever. No, I've been a negative way. Joyce and like, oh, Sophie, like we're going to always be there for you. And I began to think that maybe I'm like lacking something and I never was like I wasn't lacking. Like if anything, I felt more fulfilled being able to support into the people while still doing my thing. I have never been the girl who was aspiring to be in a relationship. And so I had to question that within myself. If I find someone who I want to be in a relationship with, so be it. I'm going to seek them out. I'm going to try to make it work. If it doesn't work, I'm going to move on. That's what life should be. So interesting because I don't think I can be with someone who is dependent on me. You can. I think that would I would lose my mind. You would lose your shit. I would actually lose my mind. I can deal with the 10, 20 percent because on one end, it's like I don't even want the responsibility of you thinking that I can. I would help you. But that's what you also know with an African woman though. No offense. No offense. We can edit that part out too. That's okay. So I'm so sorry. It's true. Okay. Because like in many, we're raised, the man is supposed to be the provider, right? This is just from the guest. Interesting. The man's supposed to be the provider and the woman is meant to like be a nurture or support or whatever and at the bare bones of it. So if you go, if you meet a typical African woman, that's what she's looking for, right? And that's where the co-dependency comes in. So your husband is home. You're helping them cook. This is not a bad thing. People have choices here. Feminism is all about equality and making choices. That's what a love women also want. It's right from our generation. There were men now who are like, fuck that. I don't want this. I think you know that. I think women that have beaten in the past too are very like self-exactly. You have a type and that is really somebody who's chasing their own dreams and their own goals. And when you guys meet me, you hang out and you're not. For me, I don't want someone who's depending on me. Right. I want to say this. I thought I did for the longest time. Well, what do I want? Yeah. I just, I thought that's what I wanted for the longest time, but it was so funny to me how I would get so irritated so quickly when they were so dependent on me. Oh my god. Yeah. I would miss my wife. I would miss my wife. I would run away. I would run away. It's so bad. Relax. I'll be like. But also that's where communication and trust comes in, right? And that's where when you don't communicate enough, you're going to be issues like my current situation, ship, whatever it is, right? One thing I would always say is we communicate really well. If I'm ever feeling some type of way, we're just laughing a lot of it yesterday. From ever feeling some type of way, I am the one to ask, oh, this is, I don't like this because this is happening. I don't want to deal with this. You either fix it or I don't want to ask. I would say I think that's why it is lasted. Yeah. Like it's very much like a communication thing. It works because I'm communicating and I know what I want. This doesn't work in. You're doing something. You're like, no, this is where I draw the line. Oh, I'm drawing the line to here. Why? I'll see you later. You know what I mean? Like it's all about conversation around what the partnership is bringing. And I think we social media, we tend to get lost in the weeds because a perfect relationship means both of you are choosing each other, whatever, whatever. That's usually what happens in partnerships. You're just choosing each other till that kingdom come. Okay. Next thing. Let's read this final thing before we end the episode. This is a Reddit screen shot. I went on a date to make my situation ship jealous. Now he ghosted me and I'm low key falling apart. Hey, guys, just need to vent and maybe get some advice because I honestly don't want to do anymore. So I've been in this situation for four years with a guy met online. He's 23 now and I'm 22. He was a tree my first everything emotionally, physically, all of it. We never made it official. Excuse me. No labels, but we're always a thing. It was kind of messy, but I liked him so much that I stayed. If you've been listening to the podcast, this is already already in my answer to this. Would fight. Stop talking for like a week max and end up back talking again. But by a month ago, we had a fight. He got upset that I hung out with this new guy and met. Thing is really, she agreed like a month before that we're just friends and could see other people we've wanted to. That was my boundaries since everyone is to commit after all these years. Anyway, I won't lie. I only went on that day and told him about it to get a reaction. I thought maybe if he saw that other people were into me, he'd finally commit. But instead, he goes to me, blocks me and everything. It's been 20 days. I just find out I'm on blocks now, but he still hasn't reached out. At first, I was okay, distracted, busy, but now it's hitting hard. I cry randomly, overthink everything, miss him like crazy, and the worst part is I've kind of done this before. I once told him a guy wanted to court me and I said, yes, hoping it would help me move on. And he blocked me then too. But eventually, he said sorry and came back. This time, nothing. I know I shouldn't have tried to play games and make him jealous. I know four years is a long time to wait for someone who won't commit, but it so hurt so much. And they expect to feel it this deeply after almost three weeks of silence. Should I reach out, just leave it alone, try to seriously move on, or even though I still want him to choose me. I'm just tired of feeling like this, thanks for reading if you got this far. I just want to point out, she said, I still want him to choose me. Yeah. She's not choosing herself and a story. Wait, is that wrong? Well, yeah, because like, haven't you wanted someone so bad, that it hurt? Absolutely. But you know why I moved on, because I chose myself, because he doesn't like her enough. He doesn't like her enough to care about her and her feelings in that moment, because the selfish thing to do in this moment is to give some closure to whatever it is that's going on. He's not mad enough, woman enough, whatever enough to choose peace here, give each other some closure, move on with it. I'm not adult enough to have a conversation to say, hey, we've messed this up. This is getting messy. I just don't want to be with you. Let's move on. Instead, what she's doing is not choosing herself, because what she's saying is I want him to choose me. If someone, any partnership, you should never have to ask for the other person to choose you. If you're having to ask that question, you already know the answer to that. So I'm just going to say, and also the whole, like, going on the day to make some, that's just messy. As much as she said from the beginning, it was messy from the beginning, it makes sense why I didn't work out. I wish her the best, and I hope she chose herself. Because again, the fact that she did that, he blocked her, shows her everything she needs to know. Grieve the relationship, the situation she wanted didn't happen. Try to move on from it. Guys, more of the story is, if you are in a situation or a relationship, whatever it is, always ask yourself, what is it you want out of that situation? What is it you want out of dating or talking? If the answer does not correlate or align with the other persons, that is your answer to either commit to something or to quit it. Okay, so I'm never going to judge someone in a situation ship or a relationship or whatever it is. Because if people who are in relationships, who hate their relationship, who have been in relationships for 10 years, 20 years, who hate each other, and so it doesn't really matter. The only thing is that every point of a partnership, no matter what, any point in a partnership, if you feel like both of you are aligned in what you guys want out of the conversation with the situation, make the decision to choose yourself. Choose yourself, prioritize yourself, have the self-esteem to walk away when you need to. That was my stomach if you didn't hear it. Let us know what you guys are going through. We might do an episode where we just talk about relationship dilemmas and me and Donald give our advice because I feel like our perspective is always different. So don't forget to send us a voice note at mytulow.com or DM us on our podcast pages. We're going to put it in the description or on Spotify somewhere so you can click on it. Don't forget to follow us on social media and all our platforms at mytulow.pod. And don't worry guys, don't forget also to leave a rating. We have five stars on Spotify and Apple and everything. So I'm like, you guys love listening to us, so I appreciate it. We're happy to be back since it has been off to a bank. And this next episode is going to be even more iconic. I'm really, really nervous. The next two episodes are going to be like crazy good, so it's going to be interesting how we do that. Also, you need to build your future partner. I need to. Yeah, that's my homework for the next episode. I'm going to ask the people that are coming on. We're going to have our first guest ever on the podcast. I'm going to ask them who they think I'm going to end up with. And we'll see what they say. So don't forget for us the right time episode. All right guys, we love you so much. Thank you guys so much for listening. And we'll see you again next week on Wednesday at amitulapod.com. Bye guys. Bye, Donald. That was so good.