The Day I Realized I Had a Problem with ALCOHOL - EP 09

Welcome to a My Too Loud The Podcast. Oh, sometimes I got a good feeling, yeah, yeah, yeah, I got a feeling that this is going to be the best podcast ever, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, hey guys, it's Sophie aka the othery and welcome back to the podcast. I was really excited about that intro, but I think my pitching was off a little bit, so I apologize. Y'all, I am in a very chill mood, but I feel like this episode is going to be really like authentically vulnerable and very uncomfortable for me, which I'm really excited for because I love, I think I love these kind of episodes, but I feel like it gives you an insight into who I am. As a person, so sit back, relax, enjoy some tea, coffee, matcha, and let's dive into today's episode. First, oh my god, hi guys, have you been? It's almost the holidays and really, really nervous because I'm doing something fun this holiday season and I can't wait to share what that is with you guys. Also, just fun fact, I filmed this on my balcony if you've ever not watched the video podcast on YouTube, but you always listen to this on Spotify or Apple or anywhere else, it is freezing. So, the idea behind the podcast on the balcony was because, honestly, I don't have studio space and I live in a one bedroom apartment, so I wasn't really trying to figure out also this mic is fake. If you're watching the video, I'm holding a mic right now because I feel like I enjoy holding mics and then, if you're listening to an audio, I'm just messing around with the mic. I like holding mics. It makes me feel official. Okay. So, I wanted to test out holding a mic. I'm going to be like the dazzling. What about the mics do you like? I like the fact that mics are like professional. They make me feel like I'm actually saying something you guys have to listen and I feel like I'm starting to watch podcast videos online. They be holding mics. They be like, the mic is in their face. I feel like I want this like, oh my gosh, it's about to slay with her, like talks, you know what I mean. Don't, you'll be in the mean. Leave me alone, Donald. I'm putting on the shades today because it's a bit like coat from some protective eyes. Second, prior to coming on this podcast, we were talking about like Donald Trump, right? We were. And there's something, a fun fact about Donald Trump. He doesn't drink. Really? And in this case, I think he needs alcohol. So. Okay, you also clearly don't want to introduce the topic because we're talking about alcohol, my relationship with alcohol. And I think this is very interesting because we're going to talk about that. What I was trying to say is it's freezing in New York and I'm just really scared because this podcast is going to be filming every Monday for as long as we know and really saying for as long as we want it to. And it's going to get colder in the city. It's going to snow at some point. How we're going to try to navigate what that looks like with changing the set. We're going to fix it with alcohol. We're not going to fix it with alcohol. Alcohol keep us warm. Yeah, but other things can keep us warm like tea. We'll get into the episode. I will throw my stuff. Alcohol doesn't freeze. I will throw my slippers at you. Think about it. You guys don't stress me out. Don't worry about people who are listening to this on. Look, a plane. Don't know. No, I'm dead out. Did you drink? No, no, no. That's actually a plane. That is what we live. Yeah. You were safely in the sky. Are you drunk? Are you hot? Okay. I don't drink it. I don't drink it. So we got to start the video. Are we ready? Yeah, I know. We're going to start the intro, the conversation. Oh, oh, okay. Oh my god. You guys pause. I just really like the dough is getting a lot more comfortable on camera. Because you're trying to drive me crazy. You're trying to drive me crazy. I don't remember. Y'all say so. Is this Donald? Is this someone else? We're not sure. No, we know it's here. I keep saying your name every five seconds. So I want to start. Oh, the eye patch. There's a story here. That was a perfect start. I feel like also, for every time this podcast happens, you just never know how we're starting to wait for the noise. I keep going. No idea. Okay. They're two. They're two. They're playing two. You don't know. They're playing everywhere. What's going on? I don't even know New York. It's always helicopter. I'm playing. Honestly, there was one day I said helicopter. I used to call you and tell you to jump there. It's crazy. Oh my god. You guys are such a podcast episode. Whenever you watch podcasts, people are riffing. And you're like. That was. So exciting. So excited. So excited. Sorry. I want to read this story. I also saw a comment once that said I read really fast. I want to try to slow down when I read. I'm also going to try to put it on screen. Okay. My dad. Okay. Okay. Okay. We're going to stay out in this episode with. Puzzle-headed slash cup. Slash. That's not slash. Slash. Hi, Finn. Hi, Finn. Puzzle-headed hyphen cup hyphen 687 says. My dad was a functioning alcoholic. He wasn't a motorcycle accident when I was 17. When he was 17, they should have amputated his ankle slash foot. But his dad begged the small town doctors to save it. Because of that, he lived with terrible chronic pain. He hated painkillers, so Bud Light was his medication. I didn't love having an alcoholic dad, but he wasn't violent or mean. Just moody sometimes. Fast forward, 25 years, it gets worse. And we find out there was also some terrible sexual abuse from his childhood. No, this is a very intense story to start the episode. Okay. We should have just lived a trigger warning with. Okay. After he told my mom about it, it fell apart. The pandemic was the final nail in the coffin, and he chose to drink himself to death. Donald. Y'all, I did not read this, until he said this to me. I begged him to stop. He said me and my mom deserved better. I begged him not to do it because I didn't want to tell my kids that 53-year-old grandpa died. He said they'll get over it after a couple of months. He broke me. Trauma, depression, and alcohol took my dad. I bring up his entire story because usually there are reasons we drink. And if we keep trying to drown those reasons in alcohol or drugs or food or sex or whatever, it only gets worse. I miss my dad more than anything. My kids miss him so much, and it's been almost three years. It's not worth it. Alcohol is a very low vibe substance. It really brings out the good in life. How would you make me start the episode by saying that first? Donald. I think now you can go into your personal story. I don't hate you so much as the producer of this podcast. Because I think it's good, right? No, it's good for people. Because I want to say the mood. I think the mood and the tone is super important. Yeah, but I didn't want the mood to be this dark. It's not dark. Yes, it is. I can't die. Yeah, but he was also 53. That's even worse. What do you mean? He made it past the life expectancy for a man. No, the life expectancy for a man is 65 or 72. I think it's 67. No, it's 72. It depends on what country. Nigeria is 17. I hope not. No, I know it's like... Do I look crazy with my hat? No, you don't. Okay. You look like... You're a... You guys, this is not okay. This is not how you want to go into that story. I thought you're going to read the story. And next thing you're like... Oh my god, that's so sad. Like, we need to do better, guys. We do need to do better. I hate you so much. Woo! Okay. Don't know. That's so not fair. Because I have so much to say about alcohol. Okay. I'm so annoyed right now. Because I really should have read that story before I came on the podcast. And now that I know what he flat, I want to punch him in the throat. Okay. So that's a very sad story. And first of all, I want to start this entire sort of video with like one thing. I am Muslim, right? I am Muslim. I'm not as practicing as I would like, but I am Muslim. And drinking alcohol is not permitted. Like, it's wrong. You don't do it. There's a lot of teachings about it. And I honestly never used to drink till I would say like my last year in college. Like I might have like dabbled in like taking a sip here and there. Like, I never made it a big deal because it just wasn't my thing. But to my last year in college is when I actually started drinking. And I honestly wasn't even like a huge like I'm getting hungover and drunk. I just thought of it like casual drinking until the pandemic hit. And my personal story about alcohol is I think in the year 2020, I can probably say that I probably finished a bottle of apothec red red wine and maybe a bottle of Casamigo. So a bottle of apothec red red wine, one full bottle every two days. I single handedly put money in that apothec red wine in their business. I think, and I never used to drink, but the pandemic, there's just something about the pandemic then being at home by myself, watching TV, hanging out with my person at the time. And all we would do is just say home, drink, smoke, and just watch TV because the world was burning around us. And that was like our escape. And even with like tequila and stuff, that was the same thing I used to do. And then the habits became more, more, and overwhelming post-pandemic and even till now. And why I reacted so strongly to Donald, like putting that story in, is because I am one of those people who says, it's not a big deal, right? I am one of those people who says, like, yo, I can stop. Like, it's really not that deep. It's just a glass. It's just this is just that. Even telling this story and doing this episode on the podcast, for me, I still have this like weird nagging feeling of, why am I making this a bigger deal than it is? Like, I don't want to be that yucky person who's talking about sobriety or alcohol. Like, I don't want to be that person because it's really not that deep. Like, if you want to drink drink, like, I see people who drink and they have a good time. And they're not alcoholics. They just, you know, they have a good relationship with alcohol. But at the same time, I'm realizing that I don't think I have a healthy relationship with alcohol. And there's so many reasons behind that that I want to break down in this episode. But I also want to bring, I want to bring this episode in without putting pressure in myself. Because I think the worst thing I can do for myself right now is to put pressure. And at the same time, doing a whole podcast episode about alcohol is in itself pressure on myself to stop drinking. The goal for me is to stop drinking. I want to stop drinking. It's been something I've been saying to myself since I started drinking in the first place. I hate how I feel when alcohol, it does not make me feel good. I actually don't even get drunk. I just get sick. Fun fact, I'll tell you this. I'm also allergic to alcohol, which is a story I would tell you. Because the first time I actually drank heavily, I ended up in the hospital the next day. Because the doctor said that I have a reaction in me that makes me have highs when I drink. So I would literally drink, take Benadrill to get, to cancel out the allergic reaction and go back to drinking again. And I trained my body to get used to it because I wanted to be cool like my friends. So even then, any psychologist or therapist listening to this would be like, girl, that was too much. You should have just heard that and gone, okay, fine. But if you know Sophie, you know I'm a perfectionist. How dare something tell me I can't partake in it. So not want to make sure that thing knows that I can partake in whatever thing I want to partake in. Which in itself is just not a good thing. So this is going to be, this is an episode that I don't think you would know where it's ending. And I don't think I know where we're going to go with this episode too. But I wanted to open up the conversation because I have also seen a lot of discourse around this time about our relationship with alcohol, especially because I live in New York City. This city, everywhere you turn, there's a happy hour, there's cocktails. I'm an influencer, so I go to influencer events and there are cocktails everywhere. There's shots, I live alone. So every time when I'm hanging and lounging at home, I'm like, oh, let me make myself a drink. Let me do alcohol, let me do this. And it gets overwhelming to say the least. And I find myself every time telling myself I just want to stop because I know the adverse reactions I get with it. So I'm just going to, I'm going to rant in this video, I'm going to share some thoughts. We're going to talk about pop culture, we're going to interact with Donald and our friend Briggs. Can you see Briggs in the camera? Hi, Briggs. Briggs is also a producer on the channel. He's really cool and great. He also helps with the cameras and everything else. We're just going to talk a lot about alcohol and a relationship with it. And I don't want to send a message. I don't think that's my space for my place, too. But I want this to be an open conversation. And hopefully in a year, in two years, in three years, I come back and I talk about the journey around alcohol and my relationship with it now because there's so much to share. Well, is that a good intro? Donald, after throwing me off in the beginning, I want to throw this on your head. It's a good intro. I'm just going to add. And I think this is the character I'm going to have to put on the podcast. If you're watching this and you think you can't stay with me from alcohol, do you're making that decision today? This is what's happening. Let me bring it up. Let me bring it up. When I first met you, Donald thought my drinking was crazy. No, no, no. Because what you talked about in 2020, right? 2020 is important. But I feel like when we met, right? It had gotten a lot worse. No, that's the thing. It was less than me. It was less than me. It was less than me finishing every day. Right? And honestly, the first time, let's talk about when we met. Oh my God, my mom is watching this. Really? Because I feel like when we met, right? The first time we met, right? We had a couple of great girls. And I offered her a drink. So I was with my boys down. She was up. And I was like, oh, that's Sophie. I went, I was like, do you want a drink? And I went and I brought, I mean, I actually like meet her on the first time. I don't know why. What about you? Makes a man want to bring you alcohol. Tell me. I didn't know those were like, what's going on? Because what the fuck do you mean? I was at my problem. That day, I looked like it was having fun. I probably had a drink in my hand too. So you probably thought, oh, she drinks just having... I did. There was a drink on the table. Yes. Some of like, always have drinks with me. That's not a good point of that. It's easy. But okay, so I think it's important to first time you ever drank. Okay. Well, honestly, first of my ever drank was with my brother. And what age? Eight. Probably like 11, 12. Okay. Eight. Oh my god, my woman's going to kill me. Everybody's going to kill me too. Because you don't have the... Because you're not in America, like, you need to be trying to... The A's limit, yeah. I don't think... I feel like we have that. We just don't follow it. No, we don't. Okay, yeah, we don't. I seeped to wine at six. No, I'm not going to joke it. Okay, let's talk about this. Because I don't think he's going to be happy with this. And I know a lot of his friends are going to send this podcast to him. But I did grow up in a household where we are Muslims. So alcohol was found upon. But like, it also wasn't something we preached loudly about. However, I think my brother has a really terrible relationship with alcohol. He's going to hate me for saying this, but it is facts. Like, if I am terrible, my brother is absolutely worse. And I grew up... He's ten years older than me. So I sort of grew up watching him. Right? So if he's at the club, we used to go to Illegu City Beach at night and sneak out with my mom, you know? And like, I love you mommy. You know what I mean? We would like to sneak out and go to the beaches and stuff. And he would take me to the beach, right? And I would like be the little sister in the corner. I think I'm like super young, like maybe 13, 14 at this point. And he's like 23, 24. And like, he's drinking with his friends. They're smoking. They're having a good time. And I'm just watching. And I'm very protected with his friends. Well, like, there's also something we could be like, tries. Do you like it or not? Try it. Do you like it or not? And that was usually what I would get from the conversation. And when I tried it, I didn't like it. I also did not like alcohol because of how my brother reacted to it. So, I think he was very like... I remember that was very... He was very put together with alcohol. Like, I would never... Excuse me. I would never know when he was drunk. Like, that was... That's our thing in our family. I like to say, like, you would never catch his slipping with alcohol. Like, we could be wasted and you wouldn't know, right? And so, I think I watched that. However, with me, I always saw him. And I always just could tell that he was like drunk. Like, it would be the way he acted, how he... You know what? I just knew it and I didn't like it. So, I always just didn't drink. Like, I wasn't... I saw that and I just never drank. And that took me even all the way to college in America. Like, I just saw people interact with alcohol. And I just chose to abstain. And it wasn't anything intentional. It was just natural. It came naturally to me. I'm Muslim. I don't drink. People just accepted it. And I think the shift came when I sort of stopped practicing in a way. Then, and I had some like really iffy relationship with religion at that point. And then the pandemic hit at the same time. And I was like, oh, I actually enjoy the feeling of this escape alcohol provided for me. I want to indulge in it. And what ended up happening was I realized I... Like, I do a lot of things well. I also drink well. Me and well for me was I could drink... I think my limit was, and this is so bad to me. Like, I've taken like 12 shots of tequila and not been like black out drunk. Like, I'll be knocked out and go to bed. But like, I wouldn't be drunk. Like, I would see other people be drunk around me. So I didn't have any limits. And what happens when you don't have any limits is that you push yourself past boundaries. That you never even thought you would get to. So the point that you start regretting things. So I've had too many conversations with friends where I would say, I really want to stop drinking because I don't like how I feel. I'll wake up with highs. I'll struggle a bit. And I just wouldn't listen to them when I saw because one thing about Sophie, she would argue down. Like, I would be the one like, you would meet me and I would be like, oh, so if you really start drinking, I'd be like, no, I'm going to start drinking tomorrow because I have this all-planned set out of the rut. And tomorrow might come and I'll tell you, yeah, but tomorrow wasn't really a good day. And I would argue it's enough to where you start thinking, oh, she's fine. And as I see these things right now, they sound like patterns. And they sound like stuff I hear a lot online about being probably the type of relationship I call. So I'm going to let them speak right now because I know he has a lot to say. Okay. It sounds like lack of self-control, right? But I think it's interesting, right? Is it lack of self-control? Well, I can say that it's like a lack of discipline. I think it's self-control. Explain. Right? Because I think you're a dispute person. I think it has a thing about alcohol, right? And a lot of like addictive soft substances is like, we know they're bad for us. Yeah. But we feel like we're strong enough. And we know we should not be taking it. Okay. I like that. But I think it's also your brain-like feelings because everybody will tell you, like, do you think you have an alcohol problem? You'd be like, nah. Really? She's like, I'm great. She's like, I don't. Well, I think it's because I was functioning. Right? The same way it manifests in my depression, right? It's like, I'm a high-functioning, depressive person. Like, I function well. And I think for me, the people I see and things I hear about alcohol, it feels like, oh, they don't have their life together. Like, so, of course, it can be me. Right. I drink, wake up the next day. I go for a run. I go work out. I'm productive. I'm filming content. I'm good. You see folks like online, like, one of the biggest TikTokers who does that get ready with me content. Who is constantly taking shots and having fun. And I see that and I go, why am I stressing myself about alcohol being bad? Because, like, she's doing it. And she's like, she doesn't have a problem. I don't have a problem, too. I'm just having fun. I mean, my 20s, I'm chilling. It's not bad. Why am I making it bad for me? And so, when I hear you tell me then, oh, I think you have a problem. I'm like, no, because I'm functioning. It's okay. It's fine. But then, I know the time is when it doesn't feel okay. And the time is when it feels hard. And I also recognize that when you talk down, you're like, is it like a supplementary? I'm like, no, because I can stop at any time. But if I have said, I can stop at any time for the past three years and I haven't stopped, can you really stop at any time? Right. Because, like, I know for me, like, my brother, an example, is, I don't think he's ever stopped drinking. I thought, like, I just, I know he, oh, like, he got a couple of brown liquor in his hands any time, any day, even during surgery. Like, a man has a couple of liquor in his hands. Versus me, who is like, oh, well, I'm not going to drink today, but I'll drink tomorrow. Like, that's me being like, oh, you see? I can stop drinking. But, yeah, I think it gets to the point where I do think there's a lot of self-control. And so, like, right now, this episode is actually even coming on because I'm training for a marathon. By the time this episode comes up, I would have done the marathon. I would have killed it. I would have finished. Yay, proud of you, Sophie. Pastel, please, really proud of you. And I have not drank in, like, a week and a half. The longest time I've actually ever drunk was, like, six months. I think it was because I don't hold. Because I think you said, try not to do it. And I went sober for six months. Yeah. Best months of my life. I was so productive. I was so happy as such clarity. I was so content. I had fun. I parted with my friends. I did everything I was supposed to. I did not feel left out. It wasn't hard. And then I just, I think I had my birthday coming up. So I was like, oh, I'm going to drink for my birthday. I'm going to have fun. And I drank for my birthday. And I didn't feel good, but I continued. Because I was like, don't overthink this. You're just having fun. You're fine. And then the pattern continued. And I didn't, I've never done that again. And even, like, right now, as I think about, oh, I was thinking after the marathon, I want to stop drinking. And then I was like, oh, maybe I shouldn't do cold turkey. Maybe I should stop drinking after two weeks. And maybe I should only drink on the weekends. And I should, like, win myself out slowly. And I'm like, you're doing too much. That's overthinking. You just drink when you want to. And I'm like, maybe not. I don't know. Like, because like, I have friends who drink when I know they don't have a problem. Like, they can drink and have fun and go to bed. And they might not drink again for two weeks. I have friends who say, yeah, alcohol isn't suit for me. I'm fine. So I'm like, why can't I be that person? Then I compare myself to them. And I get into like this spiral that continues on and on. And I'm just rambling about it. So I'm like, I don't know what to. I don't know. And I think that's why I wanted to do this episode too. Because I really don't know. And I think you can tell when you listen to this in my frustrations with myself. Because I know what's good for me. Like, I know it's just not good for me. And I know to stop. But yeah, I struggle to stop. Because I have no self control according to Donald. No. No, we'll go back to that Reddit post, right? Yeah. Where he says, I bring up his entire story because usually the reasons we drink. Yeah. And we keep trying to drown those reasons in alcohol or drug. Because it's not just drinking, right? Yeah. Addiction in general. Right? I think, think about like, a lot of us like grow up. And this is a societal thing too. Yeah. People grow up with alcohol. And they experience like life with alcohol. But they don't really know like life without alcohol. Right? Because like this year, I did what? 75 hearts. Yeah. And like one of my major things was like, I didn't want to. Because like, I went into summer of like, I want to enjoy the summer. I was going out. I was drinking. I was smoking. I was like, doing everything. And I just felt so exhausted. So I'm like, let me do it. And I get you. You got so stressed. I gained 30 pounds. And I didn't even know. Yeah. Right? No one around me said anything. And then I did 75 hearts. I went 75 days without alcohol. Yeah. Went out to clubs. Yeah. Without drinking. And they gave me a whole different perspective. And I was like, oh. You actually don't need alcohol to enjoy yourself. You don't. Right. You don't need to. Because like, you know, alcohol comes as like, oh, you're about to film a video. Oh, you need energy. The same way, your people have bad relationships like Red Bull. Yeah. Right? And energy drinks. They're like, oh, let me just like. Take a sip. Yeah. Like, shots. And then you need to shot to film. You need to shot to get into that meeting. That's true. Just suppress the anxiety. That's true. To have a difficult conversation with your friend. But you know, it's so hard to keep. Like, it's so hard to be healthy. That's my biggest thing. Like, transparently. Like, it is harder to be healthy than it is to not. Like, what you're seeing right now about parting into the dark. Like, that comes easy. Sleeping in comes easy. Having to wake up to go to the gym is the hardest thing you can do, right? Why are you hard? Because you have to have the willpower and the discipline to do it. Right? Like, transparently. Like, you might say that, but you know the days where you don't feel like doing anything, but you do it anyways. Like, people don't get past doing it anyways. Right? They get stuck in that loop of, I don't want to do it. So I'm just going to stay in bed. And my scroll on TikTok, I might continue. And I think that relationship with our call is pretty similar. Right? It's this idea of, oh, I'm just going to do it because like, it's fun. It's easy. Right. To say no is the hardest part. Like, when you were out of the club, I remember like, you were not drinking. You were out with us. And like, I bought a bottle for the table. And you were like, no, I'm like, oh, what? No. I thought you stopped drinking. I thought you started drinking again. And you were like, no, I'm fine. And you're like, I'm just going to get a red bull. And I'm like, no, why would you get a red bull? Like, even that interaction, maybe in the toxic friend that I am. I'm still like, how dare you not be drinking? Right? Like, what's the point? And you had to have the willpower to see all that happening and still say no. That was hard. Like, I commend you for that. Because people, the easiest thing to see there is, yes, just give it to me. Like, it's fine. Don't bother me. Because I feel that way too. Like, if I'm an influencer event, if my friends are in town, whatever. Like, I have a friend in town right now who drinks and lives her best life. And like, when she was coming, I hadn't actually been drinking that much. So I was trying to not. And I remember like, I knew she was coming. So I got alcohol in the house. I got some for her. Like, you were set, right? And then I remember like, the week's once she was around. Because I was indulging so much in things I had never used to. I remember feeling so terrible. Yeah. And I just was like, let me stop. Like, let me actually just not do this. And I felt so clear, so excited, so passionate, ever since, right? But the thought of even stopping was overwhelming. The thought of engaging in that conversation was uncomfortable. I don't think I even said anything. I just sort of slowly didn't buy any more alcohol in the fridge. And instead, but like, you know, the poppies and the olipop and the, what do you call it? The thing I'd be drinking with the little vegetation yeast. Um, kombucha. Kombucha. Vegetation yeast. That's also all. Who up? Probiotic. Yeah. Who up? With the enzymes. Well, you knew what I was talking about, exactly. Oh, I'll get like a lot. Really? You knew what I meant. Yeah, and I'm sorry. Thank you. Or like, you know, got a red ball and stuff like that. Because I was like, I know I wanted drinks in the house. And I think that's just, it's hard. I want to offer a solution. Okay. Tell me. I think there's a conversation, there's a deeper conversation about love in relation to addiction. Yeah. Play that on repeat. That's why. Why didn't you just thought what? Okay. I think there's a difficult thing to love in addiction, right? It's like alcohol and all these things. Because you ask me like, I don't have those moments where, oh my god, I don't want to like, no, I don't. I don't. I don't fuck off. I don't. You pissed me off by the time. That's not true. That's not true. Do I tell you why? Tell me why. Right? If it's something that I don't love to do, I'm not going to do it. That's true. Right? I'm not someone who goes to the gym. I go to the gym like four or five times a month, exactly. Right? So I found something that I was in love with. They're like, even the days where I don't want to run, I would feel sad because I'm like, you want to go to heaven? I ran today. Yeah. Right. I haven't done this thing today. And I think that's the way to approach those like healthy habits. No, no, because that's not true. You see how like, you're saying, I love doing this. It's easy for me. That you are like the 0.005% of people who you love. You're off something, though. Exactly. No. But they're like, you see what I mean? It's like, you're saying, I love running so I run. Yes. But some people just don't like running. Like, I hate running. Like, it's not my thing. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Well, I hate running. I hate going to the gym. It's boring. Let me give you, because you asked me, right? Where at the curb and you're like, oh, I'm doing a drink. The reason why I said this, because I love myself. Yeah. I love myself, too. I literally pre-self love online. I love myself, because I know the feeling. I've drank alcohol before, right? Yeah. That feeling of waking up in the morning. Yeah. I love myself enough in that moment to know once that feeling. I love that you're saying that. And I only push back again, because you're absolutely right. But like, you're also talking from a place of like, you know it's not good for you. So you have the wherewithal to do it. Like, someone killed themselves when we introduced episode because they didn't. They might have loved themselves, but this was something that was a weapon that they had to conquer. Right. It's hard. That's true. We can't negate the fact that like, even substance is like that. It's so hard. Like, think about it from like cigarettes and people like smoking. Like, addiction is hard because it's so invisible. Like, think about it from my perspective. I am someone who I will confidently tell you I don't have a problem with alcohol. Like, I can stop today. Girl. Like, maybe you can. Maybe I can. Maybe I can stop. But even in this episode when I introduced it, I was like, yeah, but like, Deity December is coming up. Right. When you all folks go to Nigeria or gone out for December and people have shots, they're dancing, they're party. I'm like, oh, well, I have to drink then. Or I'm going on a vacation. I definitely want to run punch. Like, I'm like, I'm saying right now. That's what comes into my mind. I don't love myself less. In fact, when I'm on vacation and I'm drinking a run punch, I'm not even getting drunk. It's just a vibe plus your own vacation. Right. Those kind of instances, I'm like, oh, well, that's different. Because when I argue about drinking alcohol, I'm like, okay, well, if I don't drink at home. Right. If I'm not drinking in the house or I don't drink, I only drink on outside and social settings. Do I have a problem then? Right. Because people with alcoholic issues might be like, oh, well, they have to drink every time to have fun. But I'm like, well, I could take a glass of a lemon drop martini and then I'll be fine. Is that bad? If I go on vacation and I drink some run punch, I'm not drunk or wasted, but I'm having a good time. You see the difference? Like, I'm not going the extreme, but I'm also not stopping. Right. So there's this also mixed. This is like, what are some things that you can indulge in without going the entire way? Right. Does that make sense? Because that's like, think about it from people who like have vices, who like want to, this is their escape in a way. Right. But it's not like consistent escape. So from what you're seeing, because like, I think I also have some personality where like, I don't think the alcohol is a problem. Right. Like, if we actually like, water it down, the alcohol is not a problem. Yeah. I saw a video of some guy who said like, some people can take crack and be okay. Yeah. He said he would not, like, tell people to take crack. Yeah. But he said like, there's some people who like, because like, having an addictive personality like because I can, Yeah. I can smoke today and not smoke for the next two months. Yeah. It's like, I don't know why like, making that decision is easy because I'm so focused on like the damage. I'm thinking about like, my future self. What was I going to do to my body? Yeah. Right. It's like, obviously people say this causes cancer, this causes liver diseases and all those things. And it's like, you're playing a game of probability because you could live a life of not smoking, not drinking anything. Yeah. And still died 17. Right. And like, oh, you could drink and all those things and live to like your 100. Yeah. What are those reasons behind like, I've never thought about it. It's like for why you drink. What I drink. Yeah. Just for fun. That's it. And it makes no sense for me because I have fun even when I don't drink. Right. So that's the thing. Like, even when I think about it now, it's ingrained in me to attribute like rum puns to a Caribbean holiday. Like, it's just a thing. Like, I just know that my last holiday I went to, I drank some rum puns, had a vibe. I was floating around. I was living my best I've had a good time. And I've also experienced like just being sober the entire day and having fun. And it was a good time too. Right. And then I talked to myself in my head like, oh, then it's not bad if you have rum puns because you had a good time either way. Like, you could just indulge in it. That one time has a time. Not the food. Not the food. Are you hungry? I'm hungry. Not one time you do it. It isn't necessary. I hate it all so much. Because y'all, let me tell you something real quick. Having an accent is crazy, y'all. What is it like? What is it like? What is it like? When I get passionate, my accent, this American accent goes out the window, bro. Like, what is it? Not one time, don't do it. So I have a confession. Okay, it's over here. Yesterday. You know this, like, I don't want to see the brand. This is bottle of alcohol, right? It's like, is it margarita? Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. The one I know. Yeah, yeah. It was, I had, like, my girlfriend made margaritas like a month ago. So we had to go. I was like, you know what? Yesterday. I was feeling frisky. I was like, let me pour a little bit. Like, I poured it in and I took a sip. And I hated it. I'm telling you. Like, the taste? Disgusted. And there's this, like, thing that alcohol does in, like, your throat. Like, in the morning, it's just like, it's just weird. I'm just like, yeah. It's like, I'm like, no, I don't want to do with this. And that's kind of like the level that I've gotten to. So I'm like, you can't stop though. No, it's not that easy, Donald. It's really not breaking something to say. No, I don't, I don't, I feel like alcohol is marketed. I feel like alcohol is marketed. I feel like alcohol is marketed as like a fun thing to do. Yes. You know what I mean? So I think that's like the best way to kind of describe it. Did you drink? Yeah, but I'm a social drinker. See, okay, that's perfect, right? Because Donald is a fuck alcohol. Briggs is a, I'm a social drinker. I'm a social drinker slash, I have a problem slash. I drink sometimes when I'm all the time. I'm like, if alcohol's in front of me, I might want to drink my not. Like, it depends, right? And I can argue down that, oh, like, if I want to do it socially, it's fine, if I don't, it's fine. But the fact that I'm arguing around it, at the core of the issue, it's not good for you. Yeah. Like, the way alcohol, like literally alcohol is poising for your body. Like, it is literal poison. And yet, as a society where we've decided, because alcohol was during the prohibition era. Like, it goes a whole era where alcohol was bad. Until folks were like, now we need to make money off of this shit. So we need to have alcohol. Like, you go to sports games, concerts, and you're drinking alcohol. Like, if you're bringing in like drugs, even though it's going to be, because we're going to talk about it in a different episode. I was like, oh, I want to take an editbook, because I want to feel good at this concert. Like, it's become such a way of life that if you're sober and antsy, you're like, oh, boo, you're not having fun. And not to me, I think, is the issue, right? Because I don't... Debbie, no. Yes! And I don't also... I don't know how to not feel weird about deciding not to drink, or feel like we're deciding to drink. Even though I know at the court, either or it's not good for me. Right, because like, I mean, yes, you drink socially, right? Yeah. You're trying to get the energy off all those things to the side. And it's like, I've been drinking a house. No, right, right, right? But I think... I don't condone alcohol. Not just because... Not just alcohol. Drugs. Yeah. Is anything that you know is inherently bad? Pause. Let me call you out on this. You used to smoke heavily. No, no, yes, yes. And you used to drink, too, right? And then you stopped. Right. You stopped because you saw the impact had on your body, and you didn't like it. This was in some, like, grand... Like, I've never been a drinker, too. Because, like, I want to hear the question, but I think it's... Because there are people out there who have just never liked alcohol, who can say that, just stop. Right, right, right, right. And there are people who are like, you who are like, who used to do it, now you don't, and it's easier for you to just say, like, oh, I don't like drinking, so I'm not gonna drink. Right. But also, like, yesterday, you took a sip and you're like, that's enough for me to stop. And then, in a year or so, because you're not thinking of it as like a sober journey. Yeah. You're thinking about it as like, I'm fine. Right. My issue is, when you... I hear the word sobriety or being sober, I'm like, okay, that's intense. I'm not trying to be sober. Right. Like, I'm in denial. I'm like, I don't think I got steep of it. Like, I don't think I need to be sober. Like, I just think I don't want to drink, so I'm not gonna drink. I agree. Because it puts a lot of pressure on me to feel like I must not do this thing. Yeah. However, is that also me trying to run away from the conversation and saying, oh, actually... You know, I don't know. I don't know why I feel that icky about it. Well, I just want to be like, okay, well, if I want to drink today, I could drink. I don't want to think, oh, I broke my five-year sobriety stint. And now I have a problem in having an issue. Because then that makes me feel such intense pressure to maintain something. I saw a Tik Toka from a very, like, she's such an amazing Tik Toka. I got to find it. And I'm gonna try to put it here, if I can. She already talked about how, like, she's been sober for six months, and she hosted a party for her friends. I sense you. Yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Yes. Yes. I am five month sober yesterday. And yesterday, if you're a party at my house, we're either invited every kind of alcohol that you could imagine for my guest who drank alcohol. And I wanted to drink it so, so bad. The whole time I was shopping for the alcohol, the whole time I was making the mixed drinks, the whole time I was setting everything out. I wanted to drink so, so bad. And for the past five months of my sobriety, sobriety is felt comforting almost. It's felt like this choice that I was making. And I had this pride in choosing to have seen from something that I didn't have a quote problem with. But something that I knew didn't make me feel good. Something that I knew kind of took away my autonomy. And I was making that choice. I felt really, really good about that choice until a couple of weeks ago, I started struggling really bad with my mental health. And somewhere along the way, I have stopped fully believing that I am worth that kind of commitment. I have stopped believing that I am worth that kind of abstinent. And it has been so hard going from like my abstaining from alcohol feeling like this, this great, this powerful, this strong choice to something that I just suddenly couldn't do anymore. And I was sitting with that feeling a little bit yesterday. And a lot today I didn't drink. I chose not to drink. But I was sitting with that and like how uncomfortable it is felt. And asking myself why I felt that way. And ultimately, why I didn't drink. And I realized that I felt that way. Because when my mental health gets to this really low place, I stop fully believing that I am worth protecting and showing up for. And I chose not to drink, though. Because when I really sit down and I get my mental health and being completely honest about where I am, I know that if I give up on this belief that I am worth I've seen from something that I know is only hurtful to me, then I don't have right now the strength in the energy and even the desire to rebuild that. It is not about the alcohol. It is about the commitment. And right now the only thing I feel like I have the strength to do to protect and I've hold my mental health. It's to uphold this commitment that I made myself five months ago. It is not about the alcohol. It could have been anything that I was choosing to not do. But alcohol I think is so ingrained in our society. And it is such easy coping mechanism. It is so easy. You're feeling uncomfortable. You're feeling sad. You're feeling anxious. You're feeling nervous. You can just have a drink. And it seems like everybody else gets to just have a drink. And last night I felt very much like I wasn't allowed to. But I had been reframing on today. And it is not that I was not allowed to have a drink. It was that I was not allowed to give up on myself and my belief that I am worth choosing. I will not allow myself to give up on that because I do not right now have the strength to rebuild it if that goes away. And she or this because I don't feel better because I didn't drink. I don't feel proud of myself. I don't feel excited. I don't feel hopeful. I don't feel better. But I know that at some point I will. And at some point when I'm at the other end of this, I'm going to look back and say, thank God I kept that commitment. And thank God I remembered that I am worth that commitment. And it's not today. It is not today. But it will be one day. I'm sitting with anyone who is working so hard to hold on to that very thin shred of hope that tells you that you are worth choosing and not worth choosing from someone else's standards but worth choosing by your own. And I am sitting with anyone who is making really, really uncomfortable, really, really hard decisions in pursuit of that belief and to maintain and uphold that belief. This is just my reality right now. And I do think that that has a place here too. So that is all I have to say. And I am proud of you for making the choices that you really, really didn't want to fucking make. And let me so much. And I am so on your side, I cannot even express it. So like, I watched her video and I remember thinking to myself, I feel like, yes, I like that she's doing that. But I'm also like, oh, but like it's so intense. Like I literally felt that I was like, damn, like counting down six months, seven months, eight months, put so much pressure on me to not fuck up. Right? And that's to me feels like so much. Like I don't want to have to do that. Instead, I just want to be like, oh, I don't drink. It's fine. Right? I think you should go back to the lie of saying I'm also not drinking. That's good. With alcohol, like, because humans are so different. Yeah. And everyone has different experiences. You have to look at it's case by case, right? I think for me, like, living in Nigeria and like going to clubs, like, at the age of like 15, and like drinking like the whiskeys, like, spent like six, seven years, right? I lived the whole life of like partying and understanding that that didn't do as much for me, right? And those are years that like, I don't really enjoy it because I don't even remember a lot of those moments, right? And then smoking and taking drugs, but having like the experience that I had in California two years ago last year, right? Where I literally... Oh, my God, you guys. Let me tell you. Let me say the story. I gave Donald drugs. You didn't give me drugs. You didn't give me drugs. We went to a place to buy drugs. And these drugs were like literally the shelf open. Because, you know, I'm known as like the edible girl, right? Like, I always have, I don't know my pocket. Do you remember walking into that place? Yeah. We walked into the dispensary. Like, you go behind like a library, and then the shelf open. And you just see drugs. I literally almost went mad. Like, Sophia and I had to go out to run and say, oh, we were so high. Mommy, we weren't. Yes, we weren't. Mommy, what? What are being children playing? My brain is to say, right? But yeah. I'm also someone who, when I was younger, between the ages of eight to 12. Yeah. I had intense seizures. Right? Where I thought I wasn't going to live. And I think a lot of times when I drink alcohol or moments like that. What if something that I'm doing triggers my seizure and I die? Yeah. So I think that's the thing that really makes me stop. Because I'm like, I don't want to be the reason why I trigger something. Yeah. That's when I took the sip yesterday. It's not just about like the taste. It's also about like, what if I like this thing more? And I'm like, oh, okay, it's okay. I can take it again. But there's times when you forget. Right? You always have to kind of like remind yourself. So I think you had. Yeah. I think that's the fortunate part about it. You've experienced something like that. No, that was a scary moment for me. Well, I think I owe my fucking god. What am I talking about? Exactly. What am I talking about? Of course, I've had a fucking epiphany moment. My fucking scar on my chin. Mommy. You have a scar on your chin. I do. Can you see it? I see it. I want a punch here. Let me tell you all this story. Mommy. So you said a drunk story? Yes. Okay. Sophie, what the heck? I'm actually so shocked about stuff right now. I'm a stubborn. Yo, I'm very stubborn. Let's talk about it real quick. Why I got this scar? I didn't tell you all the real story. Think about it because I literally probably tried to mask it. And I can't convince you. I can't convince a dead person that no dead. Because what you fuck, bro. So, me and my person at the time, what we used to do. Mommy, I'm just lying. Everything I say right now is a lie. You guys, we would drink red wine. If the wine is finished, we'll get some tequila. We'll get some tequila. And mix it with a drink. We used to make this perfect cocktail. And then, what we would do is also add hookah into the mix. We'll talk about hookah and smoking in a different episode. But we'll add hookah into the mix. And add some of those. Some wana into the hookah mix as well. Does that make sense? So basically, we're smoking wana and hookah together. And drinking. Fire. That sounds like a good time. It's a great time. Don't do it. It's like, you give them the recipe. I'm giving them the recipe. But it was a great time. And mind you, this is not us doing not to go out. This is like, at home, shit, not pregame. We're just chilling at home. So you might smoke the hookah and it's done. And you re up. Because we're still awake. We're still awake. You know, I see girls on social media. And they have that hookah at home. And I'm like, I'm drinking them like. Are you going to be sexy? No, I have two hookahs at home. Mommy, I'm lying. Three hookahs at home. And they were pretty. I used to call a coordinate, too. Because they had to match my aesthetic. And we used to clean that shit and dry it out. And you're cleaning it and the smoke with the tar and the dirt and the black is there. You don't think to yourself, that's going in my body. My lungs might look like this. But anyway, so that's what we used to do. This particular night, right? Two cocktails, a mix of tequila and like cranberry juice and orange juice with lemon. Sorry for telling you that. That's a big deal. And then we were smoking hookah. I think we just smoked one. And we're smoking the second one. Mind you again. We're not going out. So we're sitting on the couch, cuddled up watching TV while we're doing this. So I am heavy. All I remember is getting up, going to the bathroom. And I wake up to blood everywhere, like blood on the floor. I'm not in the bathroom anymore. I am on the floor in the living room. I had passed out cold. Like I'm telling you, like I went to the bathroom to pee. And apparently my person at the time told me that I came out of the room from the bathroom. And I looked at the person and I just dropped. Like I did not pass out like dainty. Like physically like my body fell heavy on the floor and dropped. Now here's the issue about that. The person starts literally slapping me to wake me up. Now I'm working on it. We couldn't drive. Because clearly like they couldn't drive too. We're struggling. We didn't know what to do. So we had to wait with tissue, what I'm bleeding. Mind you, I am still not sober. Like I am still out of my mind passed out. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what's going on. All I know is I just feel like I might be dying. Like I wasn't so much pain. And we ended up going to the hospital in an uber. And to get us into the uber. Because we were bleeding. He saw blood everywhere. They thought the person who I was with like punched me and beat me up. That's why. So they were like we didn't want to do that. We're like begging. Like please we can't afford an ambulance. I just get to hospital. Why did I still drink two days later? After that thing had happened. I still drank the neck. And the thing is the person to continue to enable that shit. And we were talking about having that piffy moment. That was my piffy moment. I could have sat down and gone. And honestly it was. I don't think I ever smoked a drink in that way ever again. But I remember convincing myself and saying, oh well I did too much that night. So maybe now I'm going to just do one cocktail, one glass of wine. And maybe just one round of hookah. Because I think when we also met, I would smoke and you would be like, I never smoke. That was just too much. Because also like I had bronchitis. I just don't like smoking. But you see how like there's a difference. I like alcohol. I don't like smoking. One man don't like any of this. Like what crazy. One man I don't. I liked alcohol. So for me it's easy to drop that habit of not smoking. Because I don't like it. I've never liked hookah. I was like a gangster with it. I was smoking the other day. My friend told me when she was like, girl is that how you smoke it? I'm like yeah she's like, put it down. Get back. Honestly you're so annoyed. If you have a friend where you smoke and you don't do it the right way and the friend is like, oh you're not doing it the right way. That's a crazy. That's a crazy. Everybody just let me think I couldn't smoke but I couldn't. I feel good. And my issue is I keep convincing myself that I don't have an issue or a problem so I don't need to stop. And every time I've seen a conversation online about alcohol it just feels so intense for me that I don't think I want to put myself through that. I don't want to say I want to be two months sober. Like right now the fuck that I said I haven't been drinking. So I just even like this last time I had a really bad experience with alcohol a few weeks ago and I was like I don't want to drink anymore and I was freaking out. I was like okay I shouldn't have said that. And so I drank again because I was like that's too much pressure. And then I just quietly did it. Like I didn't say anything about not drinking. I made marathon my excuse and I'm not drunk. And I'm not craving it. I'm not looking for it. I don't want it. But I've also not gone out to dinners. I've not gone out to eat anything. I've not pulled myself in the situation where alcohol will be offered to me and I'll say no. Because I'm terrified that if I'm asked that question and I say yes, I've done something wrong. You know what I mean? Going back to the five year sobriety thing. It's like that is intense. Having that like oh you have to keep this streak. Because I look back and I'm like when I smoke I can't run as good. So I don't want to smoke. Not because I don't think a nice smoke would be nice. But I want to be able to run faster. I look at debt to December and I'm like I know I'm going to be around the tables. There's always a girl who really has that bottle that Sophie likes with my amigos and I want to like pour shots in people's mouths and I think my biggest thing is I want an alternative. And that's where Red Bull has come in. So like the other name. I hate water. Like I drink water a lot. People talk about like hydration. No, no, no. Yeah, but for me people talk about like some people who like sweet things to sleep like oh I have my apple sauce. At night when I'm chilling watching TV I always want to be drinking something. It's just a thing. That's why I will either have Red Bull or I'll do like Gatorade because they're the only things that are in my fridge that I have. And I'm trying not to be like oh maybe I should start doing like nighttime mocktails. See if that's what I like. Yesterday I tried drinking kombucha to bed and it was nice. I just literally would just have a cup with something in it and just sip it. I was drinking alcohol but drinking something. Before I go to bed. See I don't like the taste of sparkling water. But I really like the taste of Red Bull. I said except I don't, I don't get the caffeine hit or dumb from Red Bull so that's why it works for me. But again I'm not like drinking a lot of Red Bull isn't good for you. So I'm trying to like switch out Red Bull for something else. Because I like, Red Bull reminds me of alcohol in a way. So now I'm like maybe I should, and I hate cranberry juice or apple juice. So I kind of figured out an alternative. No. You just want to run off like, I don't like it. But I like alcohol. I don't, because I'm thinking about it when I'm drinking, right? It's just like, I love the idea of like sitting down watching TV and having a glass in my hand. I guess that's the thing. That too, right? Why do you need a glass in your hand? I just enjoy it. The glass could even be cold water. I'm just saying. No, I'm just saying that's what I do too. Like yesterday, I think yesterday I did Red Bull, and then I started drinking like water, like sparkling, I have like pop, alley pop, right? I just had alley pop in my hands to drink. Like you see, like right now I have matcha. Like I always have something I'm drinking. If you notice after the matcha is done, I tend to like go into the fridge and find like a Red Bull to drink, or like I would take a shot of a Gatorade or apple juice. Like I really just like drinking flavor of things. I don't eat a lot. Like what are the options yet? You know, because like I like poppy. Poppy's fun. Poppy doesn't make you feel like you're pregnant. No. Really? I drink all your pop. Really? Okay, all your poppy is like this and taste good for me. I think I'm going to learn. I want to start doing the whole thing. I don't like sweet. So my go to whatever I'm mixing liquor is orange juice, cranberry juice, and then, so now I think I might just do that. I think, you know, I haven't had a lot of conversations with people who like, you know, are addicted to alcohol. Like with people that they're extremes, right? They're like five years sobriety and like all of that. So I don't know what advice is like they're chasing, but I just think like, I thought you can let go of the drink. No. Like give an example of like my brother, right? No, this is not for you. This is for the audience. That's not true. Yes, you can. I think you make it sound so easy to don't want to sound. No, you know why? I'm not making it sound easy. You are. No, I'm not. I'm just saying you can let go of the drink. How? You just can. No. No, yes. You just can. Like think about it from this perspective, right? And the moment you take a sip of tequila, vodka, whatever, for that split second, it's euphoric. Like you have no other worries in the world, but the time you're on and you're in that phase of life, you feel euphoric, you feel good. This is not, I'm not saying this is a good thing. I'm saying, this is, that's your one escaping life. It's hard as fun. No, I'm not saying it's easy. My saying you can do it. Yes, of course. Oh yeah, anyone can do it. That's what I'm saying. People also literally, as we saw in the text, they can't do it. Like what you're going through in life, nothing compared to what some people are going through. Like she talked about her dad where I'm fighting. If you have children, a wife, a whole life, you have family who loves you, and you're unable to still level up this vice, it's a mental disease. I really think about alcoholism as a mental disease. Because even thinking about it from my perspective, right? You have told me several times so if you stop drinking, I'm like, yeah, of course, I'm going to stop. And then I might sit down in the house and I'm like watching TV and I remember, oh, this customer goes in the fridge. I want to make a drink. I could easily just go and do, okay, let me just make some kombucha. But I'm like, no, I shouldn't really drink. But why am I telling myself I should drink? Because that's not a bad thing, right? I'm being too much about it. I'm just going to drink some more. It's really fine. I'm just going to drink this one glass because it's really not that bad. I'm going to just take a shot of it. I'm going to take a shot. Oh, it feels good. I'm not drunk at all. I'm not stressed out about anything. I want to get some work done. I need the third glass to get this work done. I'm going to get a third glass of whatever another cocktail mix. Oh, now I'm feeling really, really good. You should definitely take a shot because you want to get to the peak thing so I can knock myself out and go to bed because I'm not going to be stressed about it. Or on the opposite end, you're about to take the drink. And then you remember that you love yourself and you don't need the drink. Absolutely. That's what advice would you give to someone? Oh, you're not doing it. That's what I'm saying. No, I don't know. I understand what you're saying. I'm one of the biggest people on the internet who says I love myself. I said that all the time. I love myself. I am up my own ass. I could leak my butt hole if I want to. The point is I love myself. Right. And right now, when you tell me that, I could argue and say, or even, let me argue with this. I, Marathon is over, right. I can say, oh, Kenya is my vacation break. So if anything, like, let me just drink in Kenya. I want to have someone to let loose. And then when I get back, I'm not going to drink anymore. And then that's when the summer comes around. I want to let loose again, too. So I'm going to drink again. And after the summer, I'm done until my birthday in June. That, to me, sounds logical. So you feel like, why don't you just not drink at all? That makes so much sense. I would argue with you and say, I'm just going to drink. But do you trust yourself to have the, the willpower, right? I'm against people drinking. No, that's the issue. I can argue with this. I can argue with this. Because what's happening now is. Exactly. You know, because it's so personal. I can argue now with you and say, this past two weeks, the album and drag. I can do it. Do it. Do it. Do it, though. No, no, no. We're going to end this episode with me saying, I'm not going to drink anymore. But what I'm trying to argue is with people who are listening. So do it with them right now. With whoever it is. Oh, let's do it. That might be fun. Okay, let's do it. I'm going to drink it. Because for sure Cause this is, You don't have to move one year. Yeah, you don't have to go one year. You can go a month. You can go two months. You go three months. Don't know what is making me go a year because he knows I've said six months before. I've said whatever before. And I would be very shocked. Because next year, I want to travel a lot. And I really want to see if I can actually test myself and not drink. Oh my god, you guys are going to be so terrifying. It's so fun. Because you get to live. I live already when I'm drinking. No. Yes. And I guess what I want people to know is like when you have alcohol in your system, you're not living because you forget. Yeah. I forgot my fucking scar on my chin. Exactly. Fine. It feels like so much pressure. I don't like it. Is my problem is the pressure? It's just the pressure. It's so overwhelming. I hate the fucking he just did that's it. Because he knows I hate pressure. But now I'm like, damn it. Because we're going to keep this part in it. Honestly, I could just cut the shit out of the podcast, but I won't. I won't. I will post this after it's late. I won't. And we always end. You know what we bring? That's what this is now. I think that's the good thing. That's the good thing with the sobriety, right? It's like because you get the chips, right? So you have stuff to look for. That feels so intense. But you also have to communicate. I don't want to communicate. I don't want to communicate. Is the way she said it. Alcohol likes anonymous. I'm not that bad. The way she said it is like, I remember, right? People, people, they go crazy with alcohol. I feel like wherever we go, we don't have it. We don't have it. So before, they're like, they're like, but you know what's crazy? I don't even black out drunk. No. Neither of us. Honestly, I hear the thing. I have so many goals next year. And I do know that alcohol is my biggest hindrance. I will say that. And I think subconsciously for me too, this episode was a way of telling myself that. I know I perform 20 times better when without alcohol in my life. Like, genuinely, I am clearheaded. I am excited. I am passionate. I am not having any anxiety attacks. Like, I had, don't know what was on the phone. The day I called and like I was crying, I have not cried that hard in months. And it was because every day for that week, I had drunk. I had drunk to bed. I had been passed out. Like, I wasn't drunk, but I was like, I was too tipsy enough to wear like, I was so out of editable that I was so anxious and I was exhausted. I was overwhelmed. It worked my mind and I remember, you see, I've been drunk since that day. Like, I was very much like, I hate this. Like, I hate it feeling that way. And so I had to stop. And I know that like, for next year, we want so many things for ourselves for this part. Like, I want to film the early tries X, Y, and Z. And so I'm like, you know what, let's do it. Like, let's actually do it. And your biggest thing is accountability, right? Yeah. Like, and people. So, no, but the issue with me is like, I can convince a fucking dead person that they're not. The biggest thing is, your biggest thing is accountability, right? Who's going to hold me accountable? Use yourself. Oh, yeah. That's your biggest thing, right? And people, I think people also, they do things. I'm like, who's going to tell me what to do on me? People have actions, right? They do things and then they feel disappointed. Yeah. And then they feel regret. And they repeat the cycle all over again. Because like, that's to me with like, anything. Like, I will talk to myself about this. I don't think I'm disciplined enough. No. Right? I don't think I'm just, I think I'm successful. And what is the word? I think when I am focused, I am disciplined enough for whatever I need to do. You're disciplined like some of the time, but not all the time. And I think the issue, yeah, I'm a hybrid for real. And what is older me back is the moment I'm able to unlock that discipline constantly, I think I'll be on a whole different level. However, sidebar that we're still going to get into, I also think it's also because I'm a woman in many ways. And I think if I begin to hone in on my body a lot more, and that's where alcohol also comes in, like, alcohol heightens my hormones, heightens my emotions, heightens my emotions, heightens my other things that it also affects it a lot. If I work around the different phases I deal with at hormones and everything like that, I really, really think there's a higher chance of me finding more success in what I do in life. Like, I just know it. I know like, okay, I know when to work out, when to go slam, when to go to the gym, when to not, when to pace myself, when to slow down, when to go on walks, when, you know, I know all these things, and I realize I tend to dabble in things that hurt me more than help me when I'm feeling emotionally exhausted. And what does that look like if I push back for those emotional exhaustion with healthier habits rather than like unhealthy habits? That's really big though, because I think a lot of people they exist in their body, and they don't actually know their body. That's why I started running. Like, it really was why I started running. And I've been doing this thing a bit nutrition now, so I'm just going to go for it and about it. Like, it's been a lot for me to actually do nutrition stuff. Like, I think the biggest thing for me is I just was never in tune with my body. My body was just another thing that was, like, so it was just a vessel. And now I'm like, what does it look like to take care of your vessel? I was watching a TikTok the other day where this guy talked about, if we started looking at ourselves as like, if you gave birth or something like that, like if you gave birth to something or someone, and you had to take care of that person for the rest of your life. Well, instead of thinking about it from like, a person like this is another thing, that person being you. So like, our bodies are the first thing and we're supposed to be taking care of constantly. And when I think about the most successful people in the world, they take very good care of themselves. Like, I like to tell people, I want to be the next female Kevin Hart. Not talks to Kevin, I love Kevin, but like, Kevin's drive and people will say like, oh yeah, you wake up every day at 6 a.m., you go to the gym at this time, you eat regularly, you do this, you do that, you film. Like, I talk about wanting to be consistent on YouTube, when TikTok and Instagram were writing scripts, and half the time I get overwhelmed, I get tired, I just stop, right? And I wonder what it would look like to take alcohol out of the picture, to take edibles so free out of the picture and just fully dive into my purpose. Right. And I'm scared, I'm not gonna lie. Like, you say now October 28th, things like, it's so scary. I'm going to do it with you. Well, you have no choice. It's fun. You thought it was with us by myself, it's crazy. It's like, it's the truth. You want to do it with us? Yeah, wait. Yeah. You guys on the podcast, Briggs also said he's doing it. We're going to do a pinky swear. Absolutely. No, no, no. I want you to get a, get a camera, see the pinkies? Pinkies? No, but it's true though. Okay, we all think he's swear. Briggs, hopefully we all were all still friends in October. Okay, I mean, sort of very negative as long as you take that back. No, but it's true, you're absolutely right. I think like, oh my god, you guys, this is your podcast episode. It's so exciting to be a part out there. We're so, we're so capable. And I think, no, no, like between my younger 20s to now, that's like the thing that I've learned, right? It's like, we're so capable. I'm wearing a fucking marathon. I don't want to say this a lot. Like, well, the fact that I'm doing this shit alone, you know. Even then, I think we're going to talk about, you all probably heard this already. My marathon recap podcast episode. Well, that's true, because we can talk about the marathon in past tense kind of. Yeah, like, wow, right? Even thinking about that, I'm disappointed in myself. And I think you would have heard this already, because even for training for the marathon, I lack discipline. Like, when Briggs was telling us you were talking about it earlier today, where he was at Auditite Train, and I said, actually, no. And I came up with an excuse, brilliant one. You didn't ask me again. It's so good. Like, think about it. That was a solid artist. Can you go to argue about it? If you're a smart person, you can't convince yourself. I can convince anybody. You're also my biggest thing. So because I'm telling you, I can convince a dead person they're not dead, yo. Like, I convinced Briggs there. And then I was like, oh, yeah, like, I have like, marathon trains at full-time job. I got four full-time job. I'm just standing there, like, I was at full-time job. So like, there was just no way so something had to give. So it was marathon training. Bull fucking shit. Like, if I wanted to do that shit and commit to myself, that would have been the priority. Everything else could have waited. In fact, all I needed to do was wake up at 6 a.m. every day, do my runs. So by the time it's 9 a.m., I'm ready for the actual day. Crazy Sophie, you could have done that. The time's right, I'm tied out because sleep. Oh, if you're tired, I mean, you need to exercise. Let's go running. Because it's New York. People are always running 24 a.m. I live in the way you step out. Like, you would see that. You would see at least five other people running with you. You're going to be fine. So I made an excuse to validate the fact that I just was not disciplined because I let something else say, even the podcast, there were so many times I'm going to have lunch this podcast a long time ago. And I would argue down, oh, and we'll do it, right? Because I tend to also feel that pressure again. Like, oh, if I do this so well and I fail, it's a slide on me. But if I don't, right now I can argue that if I run on my marathon, I run it without trading. So whatever I got then wasn't my best. Ooh, that's actually a good point because people's relationship to failure, right? Because that's what you're like. You don't even want to do that. Oh, I'm not going to drink for a year. Oh, because what if you fail? What if I fail with it? And what does that do to you? So right now, when I was like, oh, I'm going to be drinking for two weeks, I'm going to be putting a timeline on it. Because if I drink, I was like, oh, I didn't say I wasn't going to drink. I just told you I wasn't drinking then. I can argue that I was doing, but oh, yeah, she's right. No, baby. You said you weren't going to drink. That's not even true. I don't know, you understand what I'm saying? What do you say? Oh, I can't. What if I fail? That has to even happen to me. Yeah. I tend to be like that. I don't know. Yeah. I get different ways. Yeah, that's me right now, especially with a lot of things. It's like, oh, like we're drinking now this 20 what? October 28, I'm thinking the entire year I'm like, oh, okay, that's fine, I could do that. And I just know I can also argue if it doesn't work out. Right. I can be like, oh, yeah. I said it, but like that was two of the days someone just gave me the drink and I wasn't really thinking I was like, oh, it's fine. I'm like, I would argue down, right? Because that pressure of failing is so intense for me. And again, is this shirt quote that I really like with alchemy, your fear of looking stupid is holding you back? For me, it's literally like my fear of failure is always holding me back. Like I want, and I mind you, I've still failed at a lot of things. But when I filled out those things, it wasn't at my fullest potential. And that's the one thing that has kept me going every single time is I have filled without trying. And I have succeeded without trying. I don't think I've ever experienced success with trying and failure with trying to. And I'm terrified that at some point in my life, I'm going to have to actually try. And then if I did fail, it would break me. I don't know what that even looks like. But also, I think that's what makes the best people. Because I'm supposed to fail. In life, you are supposed to fail because you come up with one thing that exists. Because you can win without failing. Yeah, that's true. And it's like, is what you do after failure. And there's a great quote from this book, I read the personal MBA. It says, having the problem with the problem is thinking that having problems is a problem, right? Because a lot of people have problems. And they're like, oh my god, I can't be if I have problems, my life is over. But we're supposed to have problems. We're supposed to have issues. We're supposed to have arguments with our friends with the people who love. We're supposed to have bad relationship with alcohol. And it's the choices that you make as you move through all those different steps that make or break you, right? Because I hope people move a regret. We're still like, they actually hate their actions, but they're not doing anything to change it. To change it. That's me right now. And I think my issues also, I tend to overthink my actions too, and I hate it. Y'all, if I can tell you, I wish I was a lot more disciplined. And it comes up online that I am so disciplined. Because I am like, for the most part, I also don't want to feel. So I'm going to still do something, but I don't try hard enough. I think you're like, and that's interesting, right? It's interesting, because when you raise the bar so high for yourself, because we can talk about discipline and we're like, oh, we're not disciplined. And someone can look at us and be like, what do you guys think? You're already functioning. For me, I'm like, I should be functioning at a 200%. The bar is so high. It's so high for me. Yeah. I can't even comprehend what it means to even function. And I'm so scared that I'm not even able to function at that level. And I keep holding myself back. But then you see people doing it, and you're like, whoa. Well, there's so much more there. Ooh, that is interesting. Okay, all right, y'all. That was a pretty intense conversation. What's so funny is, when we're planning this episode, we're talking to Donald, and I was like, oh, I don't think talking about alcohol has been going to take us like more than 20 minutes. Because I was so sure I was just going to be like, that's it. And the fact that this is taking us almost like 50 to like an hour of the conversation shows how dynamic the topic is, how intense the topic is, and also how scared most of us all are about our ratio of alcohol. Because we didn't even touch on a lot of things about like drinking socially, what that looks like, what that impacts us. But we're also testing a lot of things out with the podcast. I wanted to introduce some segments into it. So we're going to talk about pop culture. And just like, when we think about alcohol in certain ways, like, what comes up? Because there's some things in that, currently when you listen to this, this is probably older news. But there's some things that are really relevant that are also part of the conversation. Like, one of the first things is, Liam Payne passing away, right? And Liam Payne is someone from One Direction, was one of the members of One Direction. And I don't know if you guys know this, but I was a One Direction stan. Like, I was a One Direction fanfic, freaking what pad reader. Like, I was all in. I loved the boys. I was going to marry Zane when I was older. Like, that was my dream, my goal in life. And when I saw Liam passed away, and I saw that, you know, they talked about him using drugs and drinking. And that being the reason why he left. And even seen, I'm a content creator. I'm an influencer. And my goal is to be in the entertainment industry. And in many ways, influencing industries also, like, sort of like an offshoot of the entertainment industry, right? It's like, the entertainment industry is here. Actors, musicians, singers, theater case, all that stuff is right here. And then there's just like an offshoot, like a little like leaf, right, on the branch of the entertainment industry that still just, it's a budding leaf. It's growing and it's getting connected to it. And we don't see enough yet of influencers dabbling and dealing with alcohol and addiction and stuff like that and the impact because the fame isn't there yet. However, you tend to see a lot of creators and now talk about like their quitting social media, quitting influencing for the mental health issues. And like when you live in cities like New York and LA, especially LA, it's a lot more drug use at the parties. There's a lot more alcohol drinking and like, there's a lot of these things. Influencer events are riddled with just cocktails, no more cocktails, parties, drug use. Like, I go to LA and I'm seeing cocaine on the tables. Like, it's a vibe, right? That's what they do, that's the energy. And that's a direct linkage also to like, Liam passing, right? They talked about that impact a little more being a part of the band and how like that followed a lot of them. Like, they all went through the purges in their life where, you know, they were drinking those drug use. They felt overwhelmed, like, there's so much pressure in the entertainment industry and space. And that's scary to me, because I also have that in the back of my mind. Again, the perfectionist to me, I have that in the back of my mind that, if I do become an actor, a comic, I do have my own TV show. When I do, not if, when I become an actor, when I, you know, have my own TV show, when I do all these things, what would my relationship actually, actually? What would my relationship with alcohol become? What would my relationship be? No, no, I'm saying, yeah, it would be, it would be great. Like, I wouldn't be using it, right? I'm trying to do this now. Well, like, I am prepping for that moment because I see it happen in real time. Because to survive, like, honestly, I also drink because, I drink because, like, I'm overwhelmed with shit. Like, I was just, I posted five things on Snapchat spotlight the other day. And the comments were like, oh, cut in picker, Negro, go back to where you're from, like, really insane comments. Like, sometimes I post a video and it gets a thousand views. And so I don't know if my, my paycheck is gonna come in the month. I'm living in a $6,000 apartment in New York. And people are like, oh, you have to maintain that, right? So I'm having to post content in a very volatile, pretty volatile, like, industry, right? Where this one I can get paid a hundred K, next one I can keep it, zero K. The hundred K has to last me for the entire year. Sometimes if I don't get any brand deals, like, there's so much that we should talk about an episode about the interference industry. But the so much that happens in the industry that, I'm like a baby in the entertainment industry. Like, if he is a content creator, I'm a blip, a little dot in that conversation. When you think about folks like Liam and the amount of stardom and fame that's attached to that, alcohol isn't a vice anymore. It's a drug, it's a drug that they need to survive. It's a drug that folks need to continue on. And I wake up and I'm like, I need a shot before we film the podcast episode. Those anxiety, that's my drug, that's my little like, okay, I just need this to move forward. I don't want that for myself. But I also can't fault anyone for seeking that out because of the industry they're in. And it's so unfortunate that they pat, he passed now, everyone is coming out and saying, they're prayers, they're support. But when he was dealing with that, we looked at him as like, oh, another one bites the dust, right? Like, look at it from a very even Simone's perspective, right? And now she talked about like dealing with being a child actor and then coming up. It's hard to also separate alcoholism from the entertainment industry. And I'm just, I'm terrified of what that might look like for me too. So yes, this year is gonna be smart. When I think about stuff like this too, like having, to actually push myself to make sure I'm prioritizing what my needs could be, is gonna be important. Thoughts. That's a good perspective though. Like using yourself as a small case study, right? It's like we're really just, the level of fame that he is experienced, right? The pressure, right? Like the separation from the band, figuring out like who he is. And there are other people right now, like Justin, right? There are other musicians and actors, right? They let someone from this thing. Yeah, they talk about losing yourself to fame. And again, I am not even famous yet. And you can prepare for it as much as when you, especially if you get it from like such a young age. Look at it from JLo. JLo doesn't drink. Yes, she did a spritz. She came out with a spritz the other day, right? The alcohol industry is a lot of money. Like that's a billion dollar industry, maybe even more, right? Kevin has an alcohol brand, right? Like so many people do, because it's a billion dollar industry. And there's a reason for it. There's a reason why that's advice you will choose to do, because even human nature, we're running away from a lot of things, right? And alcohol lets us have that escape. But one if we choose to not have that escape, but we have a lot more same people walking around the streets, but also it's the vibe. Like it's the vice, it's the vibe, is everything people want. And I think it's just terrifying, man. It's like exhausting to think about. And I think Liam is a recent example of what that, like we hear the great, it's like an Amy Winehouse, right? Like we hear all these incredible people who fame recently had to let it go with me. Yeah, wouldn't yeah. You know, it's like, I honestly think why a lot of Nigerian folks actually haven't gone through it out for a while, because our alcohol is terrible. I don't think it's good liquor. What's it called? Like the director, T.J. Amore, who just had a failed community transfer. You talked about, yeah, my goodness. Like with fake alcohol. I think, I don't know, I can't speak on it, because I don't really know what it means to be in like those people's shoes. But I think I'm curious because like, it's also about the people that you have around you, right? It's like, you know, if you're in Justin, right? Yeah, if you're in Justin. Look at me, say, I know you're gonna get out, but look at me. You all could have told me right now, so if you have a permanent alcohol, I would have said no, I don't, and I would have convinced you I didn't. You might have known that like I do. Well, you, I am the kind of person, because I like to say folks like that, we're the sun, right? And like we have people that revolve in. That's something I learned. You can also be the sun. You're both the suns we all revolve in. We're all suns in our little orbits, that we're having for revolving. I know for a fact I can convince people around me that I don't have a problem, right? Am I to know on the largest scale, especially if you're the person making people money, right? If you have to take five shots to get on that stage, to turn up and party, so this concert goes on, I'm gonna give you 20. Right. But I think there's a healthy relationship to it, right? Yeah. Because like for me, if I have a friend who is drunk, I don't think you should ever have a healthy relationship with alcohol, because it's a tough thing. No, no, not with alcohol, with like that support system, right? Because there's no way to look at someone and be like, hey, like, you don't drink too much, stop, right? But I always like to look at success stories, right? Like we reference like the Kevin Hart, the Beyoncé's, right? The people who have had longevity, but they've had trusted people around them. I'm sure Beyoncé has had her moment. There's no way. There was a clip of Beyoncé like going crazy and Jay-Z was like looking at her like, what do you, I'm like, I'm sure she has had her moment, but it's like having people around you, because I, like with Liam, like, the fact that he was in Buenos Aires, in a hotel, you know, doing drugs, whatever, like, jumped out of the window. That's a crazy way to go, you know? And it's like, how much, and they say, like, what, pink cocaine? That's the first time I haven't heard of it. I was like, I didn't even know, right? I'm like, I didn't even know that guy existed, right? But like, it's also like multiple other ways. Aside from like that, because it's easy for them to get it, because they have the money. They can get different levels of it. It's like the diddies of the world, they're the... Maybe oil. Four people with the crack, right? With fentanyl. Oh my God, fentanyl and everything, yeah. They're like, different levels, and these are things they're like, so because like, I think one thing I'm just realizing, as we, you know, had episode is, not everyone is as strong. Like, we're not all, we're not strong. They say, we don't have the same level of strength. I don't even want to even use the word strength, because that makes you, I, you're saying that means you're saying before it might be weak, right? Because they're moving. It's not weak, but it just means that people have to do extra work. Let's, let's reframe that as, there's not a lot of people who are as intentional as that about their health as they should be, right? Because instead of taking it as strength, it's like, because you talk about, like, loving yourself and self-love, right? Like, I love myself too, but the way that manifests for me is, right, different for me and manifested for me. Like, when you tell me you want to run today, and I'm like, don't know, let's call, I'm not doing that, right? But I should, I could, I might, I might not, right? But like, that's how you showed up for yourself today. I think we, again, go to like your body being like, your first baby to take care of. It goes back to actually thinking through what it means to show care to yourself, right? I'm prioritizing that self, right? Like, people talk about self-love a lot online, but what does self-love actually mean? It means generally prioritizing you at every single stretch in every single thing you do. Like, that goes from alcohol, social settings, friendships, families, self-love is selfish. Like, if I showed up today, like, I didn't want to put makeup on for this episode, that's such a, like, very frivolous example, but I didn't want to put makeup on for this episode. So if you're watching YouTube, I don't have makeup on. And I was like, I just exhausted, I don't want to do it, right? And whoever my boyfriend was like, you should really should, you should just do this for the people. I'm like, no, I want to be selfish, I just not do it, because I'm not comfortable with it. Well, somebody argue that if you're showing up and you're going to do something, you said you're going to do it, you have to do it this way or the highway, right? That's it, this, this, well, you have to, a healthier way. Yes. Because I, you know, I saw your call this morning, when you were calling me in my head, I was like, wow, we're not filming today. Did you see? Right? But to me, if you call me here, like we're not filming today, I'm not going to be born in black. No, we have to film, because I'm like, but you also, you trust me enough to know that if I said we're not filming today, it's because of a really valid reason. But what if I was the person who didn't have valid reasons? And you sabotage me. Yeah, like, what if that also was a thing that happened? That's right. What if, like, to someone else, like, I'm always the person who, like, you can't trust, you see, we have those people in our lives, who we know they're like, if they say one thing, and they don't show up, why disappointed, what we also expected it, right? What is, is that self love? Is that self sabotage? Does that look like too? Like, it's hard. I think it's the thing about, like, how many times is this person can't see the, how many times is this person done this versus? Yeah. I mean, Justin did it, right? Like, where he just can't see his wall towards. Yeah. You know, because he wanted to take time for his mental health. And, okay, we're going to skip Jewel, because I feel like it's not relevant. Oh, Jewel's relevant. It's just a different type of relevant. Yeah, we could talk about Jewel later. No, no, because this is even part of the problem. Really? Tell me about it. Right, it's like, somebody got, I saw that, $7,000, okay, so y'all, if you're listening to this, we're transitioning into, like, talking about more post-culture things. And, like, I was on TikTok the other day too, and we talked about the Jewel settlement. But this, again, if you're listening to this episode, this is going to go out when December and November. I think, I think November. I think it's going on later in the year, and this is currently, we're filming this in like, end of October. So, right now, the topic we're talking on also, like, relates to like, Jewel, alcohol, what's going on right now, relevant in this time. And the Jewel settlement was something interesting because I saw a lot of TikToks about it. And they were talking about, oh my God, there will be a new president by the time this episode goes live. Yeah. Hi, hi, president Kamala. I hope so. No, no, no, no, no, we're not hoping. We know. Oh my God, I'll be crazy. If y'all listen to this, comments, I don't know, I don't even know what I'm, yeah, we'll see. That is the end of today's episode. Just for a takeaway, if you're listening to this, we are doing a challenge. We are not drinking. Are we taking drugs? Can I please take edibles at least? Huh? Can I take edibles at least? I take say you're not doing drugs, is she? No, no, no, no, that's not true. It was only alcohol. I'm just asking. Oh yeah, you can do it. I edible. Cooking, whatever you want. OK, just no alcohol. Say you don't do cooking. I don't do cooking. Just alcohol until October 28th, 2025 at 11.58 AM. For the whole year, if you're watching this, and you want to join me, you can. We're going to do a year together. Let us know in the comments that type in hashtag. You know, alcohol on fam. You know, on fam. On, no, on alcohol. Alcohol, no on fam. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Oh, this type of October 28th, hashtag the October 28th. Let's just do that. Honestly, I know that someone in the comments who's just going to go ahead, right? Oh yeah, they're lying. They're going to drink after this. No, my family wouldn't do that. My pod fam, they don't like that. Yes, yes. Whoever does that is not a part of the pod fam. Yes, they're just like not a part of us. They're a stranger and we wouldn't like them anyways. I'll block you. But yeah, y'all, so we're going to do that. If you want to do a month, you can just let me know. DM the podcast episode. No. DM the podcast page. So we follow along together. And we'll see how this goes. If I struggle at all, then follow my blog channel, because I'm going to be talking about this. And I will see you guys in the next episode. I love you very much. Again, this was pre-recorded. So if you're watching this, we have, or you're listening to this, we have a new president now in America. And we also, I've run my marathon. Kamala Harris is president. Period. I hope so. I love you guys so much. So much. Yes. Yes. I'll see you in my next episode. Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe, and follow the podcast every way. And also, oh my god, let's hopefully like rate the podcast, too, if you like it. I want to get to 100 ratings. So we can start like, what is the word? What is the word for like, the thing where you do on the top 10? Yeah. Rating, ranking? We'll be start ranking. We can start ranking on like the podcast and stuff. Because I think we're pretty cool over here. And am I too loud? Do you think we're cool? Let us know. I love you so much. I'll talk to you in my next episode. Bye, guys.