The Cost of Being “Too Nice” in Your 20s | AITL?! EP 53

If you've ever said yes, and then you went home and you cried, this video is for you. Welcome to a My To Allow the podcast. Hey guys, welcome back to a My To Allow the podcast with Sophie, aka the mother freaking Audity is 2026 is Chinese New Year. So it's a fresh new year. Life is good. And I realized that guys, we need to make sure we do not end this year the same way we started it. And I have been very, very upfront about how this year I'm not playing games. Everything I want I'm getting for myself, no questions asked. That means that your girl is ready, focused. And I've been very much in my figure out my life era. And that is included just confronting a little things about myself that I really did not like. And that might sound like very harsh, but this is facts. We don't want to be our old version. I mean, 2025 Sophie to me is dead and gone. This is 2026. It's a brand new new year. If you're into the Chinese New Year, this is the year of the horse. Last year was a year of the snake. And there are a lot of people that we have said, hint, hint, for all those commentaries on my Snapchat that I've been asking me a certain question, especially around the podcast, hint, mother frickin hint. That's all I'm going to say about that. If you're listening and if you're watching guys, if you know Sophie that you know what I'm trying to say, without saying anything. Okay. We're leaving that at that. So last year was the year of the snake. And that just for me felt like a shedding moment where there were a lot of things about myself that I know I just didn't like. And as somebody who wants to be the best version of herself, especially to enjoy the life that we're living, this year for me is rebirth and growth in a way that when I am going into 2027, I'm like, oh my god, this is someone who I'm not even recognizing. I want to look in the mirror and go, yo, look at you sexy. You've changed so much. I'm so proud of you. That's the energy I'm on. So in today's video, we're going to be talking about all the girlies who are too nice, who are too friendly, who are people pleasers, who struggle with boundaries. This video is for us. And I am saying us because I am definitely someone who was a part of this club. And I am still very much a recovering people pleaser. But I have learned so much that I feel like I am an expert in this field. When I tell you, if you think you're nice, you've not met me. Oh, you've not met me. The version of me. Oh, guys, we'll get into that in this video. What's going to be talking about how being super nice and being a people pleaser is very common in young girls and women, especially in our 20s as we're developing our brains as our like frontal lobe is getting developed. We struggle a lot with boundaries, a lot with people pleasing. And we're also going to be talking about what it means to be a good person versus a nice person versus a person who has boundaries, someone who's honest, who's caring. This video is for all of us. And if you want those girlies who never struggle with like boundaries, who always just knew who the fudge she was, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of you. Well done. Like you knew it better than us because it took a few of us a few years, months, you know, before we got to it, but now that we're here, nothing is taking us away. I feel like I oftentimes talk about being really nice from the perspective of someone who grew up through it. I grew up. So if you don't know, my mom is the first child of about 26 kids. That might be 30 something. I'm not sure, but she the number changes. And I only changed because you know, those kind she grew up in a polygamous family. And in those families, like sometimes some kids are claimed or other kids are not claimed, it can get a bit dicey. But essentially my mom grew up in this type of family. And she was the first child, the first daughter. And I am from an African background as well. So imagine your first child being a woman. And she's also the matriarch of this huge family. And my grandfather is like a pretty big deal. I have a brother. And me and my brother are the two only kids that my mom had. Sidebar, which is kind of a crazy story too. If you guys don't know this, I have a very interesting familial relation, meaning I think I've said this before in the video, but I'm just going to do a quick synopsis. I think I have a TikTok somewhere that explains this scenario too. But my mom met my dad. They had sex and they had me. But they had me 10 years after they had my brother because when my mom and my dad got married, she found out when she gave birth to my brother that he already had a wife and five kids, which is typically common in a lot of Nigerian families at the time. So she left my dad, but she was so in love with him that 10 years later in between his call to want to be back together with her. She fell for him. They had sex one time, boom, boom. I came along and then he left. And he never came back. So essentially I was again the last child of my dad and my mom and the last child period. I have about 11 to 13 siblings. Crazy. I know. I bring this up because the way my mom grew up influenced the way I was expected to be. And what I mean by that is my mom since she was the matriarch, she loved her siblings so much. And what that looked like for my mom at the time was we had a lot of cousins, a lot of family members that would always stay at our house. So I grew up not having a bedroom. Even though my mom only had two kids, I never actually had my own bedroom because even if we had a house that had five bedrooms, someone that was not me or my brother was always sleeping in that room. She would either host a cousin, auntie who needed a place to stay for a while. My mom is such a giver. She's such a people pleaser. She's such a nice woman. Nice in quotes. So I grew up oftentimes watching her sacrifice so much of her comfort and thinking that was the right way to be. And this is something that I had to take on even into my 20s. So this is young five year old to 12 year old Sophie who would go to school and all my friends would talk about having like really nice bedrooms and like getting to pick pink colors and getting to pick duvets for themselves. And I could never relate to that because my mom, I just slept in my mom's room. Like I just slept in the same bed as my mom and I slept in the same bed as my mom till I was maybe 14, 15 years old. I went to boarding school but even when I got back home I was always in her bed because I never had a room in the house because somebody else was always in my room. And I just think about that as the early form of development for me and thinking it was okay to sacrifice my comfort for other people. And I know if I ever do have a child, that's something that I never want for my kid because I never thought of how that impacted me till today. I really did not think this story would make me emotional. I did not think that. Wow guys, I don't think I've actually ever come to terms with that. What I swear, I wish you could feel my heart beating. That is something that I, as I was writing notes for this episode, I wrote it down and something like, oh I should talk about this but as I say it out loud now I really realized that is essentially how I learned to always inconvenience myself because for me it didn't cost me anything. It didn't cost me anything yet it did in some capacity. I didn't realize how much resentment I held for my mom for choosing other people's kids over me. And this could have been a thing where maybe if I did have my room, people could share my room with me but she let them know it was still mine, it was still my space. Well even that she never did. I think it's more of me recognizing the impact those decisions had on me and how that's shaped me to the human that I am today. And so I learned quickly that being easy, being pleasant, being nice equals safety and love. Meaning if I was just really nice to these people who are going to be staying here, if I was just really kind to where my mom was kind, that equals love. And it was something that stuck with me for a really long time. And I think growing up then I became like the chill friend, the understanding friend, the really nice friend. Like Sophie you didn't have anything to say about her, she's just really nice. Because again I watched my mom wanting her siblings to care for her, wanting her family to care for her, wanting to prove as a matrix of this family she deserves to be at the top. So she would burden herself essentially to keep that sort of power, that prestige. And I also equated that to okay, this is how I'm supposed to do it. This is how I'm supposed to ask for love. This time I was also asked for understanding by letting people step all over me because again, I could handle it. I was strong. I was determined. I was chill. Oh what? You just want to use the last bucket of water to fetch, to shower even though I've really been waiting for that water. But it's totally fine because I can wait. My time is invaluable. Yours is. Guys when I tell you that was how I used to think, it was so ingrained in me that I needed to show up this way. And show up it did. This showed up in the friends I had, the relationship I had with my family, in dating, in work, even on the internet. And it was something insane to think about because a lot of people who know me know me as super confident. And I am, I am very self-aware. I am very much in love with myself. I love me. But there's a part of me that I oftentimes did not think was a problem because I could handle it. And that would show up in like my family, for example, if my brother needed something, I would rather do it for him or for them at my expense. Remember those one time in college and this story sticked with me where I had a friend who I did hair in college to sort of like, you know, make some extra money. And at this particular time, I had a friend who it was during finals and I just really needed to study. But a friend wanted me to do her hair. And I could not tell this person no because in my head, if I simply planned better, I could do their hair. And then also go back and then when I'm done with their hair, I can then study because I should have studied earlier. And I remember there was a friend of mine. She's actually someone who's still very close to me who I kept telling her, oh, I'm coming. I'm almost done studying this. And she looked at me. She was like, are you studying? Do you have finals tomorrow? I'm like, yeah, but it's okay. I can get your hair done. She was like, just say no. And I thought about it. And I was like, oh, no, it's fine. I don't want to say no. I can do it. And she said, it doesn't matter if you can do it or not. Should you be doing it? Should you do this right now? What is your priority? And I said my priorities for me to go and study for this final. She said, then tell me no and tell me I can wait because I can wait. And I can't know if you don't tell me. And I remember thinking, oh, she's so nice. She's so nice. Thank you. She's so sweet. But it wasn't a matter of her being nice because there are people who have taken advantage of that. Who would have yelled at me? Who told me, could you just put your finals down? Get this done for me because they were selfish. We're going to get into selfish people in another episode. That's how that showed up for me in friendships. And let's talk about that from like dating, right? When in a relationship where you stay in it because you're so understanding, you're so nice, you don't want to bother. You want their needs to come first. And I've been in relationships where I would be in so much pain, but I would never say anything because they're also in pain. And it took a lot for me to realize that in relationships too, you need to know how to set boundaries. And you need to have a partner who's able and willing to show up for you in the best way. And then everything about that from a work perspective, the amount of times where I would bend over backwards to get things done for the people at my expense was absolutely crazy. And there's so many people like that because for people who are people, pleases, people who don't have good boundaries for people who are really, really nice and don't want to be seen as the mean one. You tend to put your needs below others. You tend to make you tend to make excuses for people even for yourself because you don't want to be that person who's complaining about something. But the point of the matter is at some point, you're going to start feeling resentful. You're going to start feeling disappointed. You're going to start feeling like no one cares about you because you're constantly putting yourself down before anybody else. And for me, it was even harder for me to come to terms with me being a people pleaser or just me being too nice. And that would you hear a lot too nice, especially in regards to me, because I never really feel resentment. Like I'm not the kind of person who understood where resentment was. Because for me, I just got burnt out, but I would blame myself for the burnout. So I would say, if only I had done the work earlier, I wouldn't be this burnt out about something I wanted to do. If only I had done this this way. And I would also put that blame on me. So then it became I was super nice. And now blame myself for things when they didn't go the way I wanted them to go. But the people who I was helping in the process got to go scot free. They got to exist in their world. And there's no matter of blaming them for anything because if you give people stuff, you can't complain when they take it. I would give and give and give and give and I'll be so exhausted from giving so much that I would start blaming myself for not understanding when my limits had hit. I'll give you an example of a way like even in terms of finances, I used to think this way and my mom taught me this. And it's not the best approach. I'm going to do a TikTok on this. This was my mom's philosophy about money. She would say if she had money, you could always give because in many ways the money would always be replenished. The money would go from your shoulder to your elbow to your palm and it goes shoulder elbow palm and it would all this always motion is always movement of money. And if you believe the money would come, then you can always give. And this was a very interesting way of thinking because that just meant that she gave away a lot of money, a lot of resources, a lot of things that she wasn't supposed to be giving out because she understood this idea that if you give, you would always receive. And that is so valid because it's true, like the universe always rewards people for being good, but not all the time. And also, you need to be smart about it. And that's something that took me a long time to learn that it is okay to give was also okay to make sure there's a little bit more money in your pinky or in your thumb or in your shoulders or your elbow for yourself because you can't give from an empty place. And that is my essentially why I talk about when I think about self love too. You can't pour from an empty cup. We hear that all the time and as someone who was a people pleaser, who was someone who struggled with boundaries, that was something that changed my perspective and I actually realized yo, if I fully don't pour into me, I can't give to other people and I have to make sure at all times I am whole before ever giving anything away. And even when I'm giving something away, I need to make sure I am not giving something that would mean I am lacking in something. Nothing I give to someone else has to be at the cost to me, but instead something that I am able and willing to give freely without it being detrimental to me. So in my head now, when I'm thinking about it, I was nice because I was like, I was pleasant, I'm agreeable, I don't like friction. Nice people are people that are like agreeable. They don't like friction. They don't like fighting. They don't I hate when I tell you I hated friction. I hated feeling like I was the cause of an argument. Like I would rather just let people be and let things happen. Being kind equals like being respectful, compassionate. Even when it was uncomfortable, you were still very much compassionate. Being a people pleaser is different because it's a fair based behavior, meaning you're kind, but you're kind because you're scared that you're going to lose something if you are not that thing. You're scared, you're nice because you're scared that if you're not nice, this would be the reason why. And that to me is what rewired my brain because I can be nice, but I don't have to be nice because I am scared of what I would lose or what this person would say. I'll give you an example of what that means. I like to say I'm a nice person and everyone can be a nice person. But the other day, I gave out I've said this door before. I remember I was posting on Instagram one day and I posted a photo that was really, really nice. And I decided to a friend of mine commented on that video and she said, Oh my God, what camera is this? I love it. I'm wanting this camera. I was like, Oh, it's the Canon G7 X Mark II and she's like, Oh my God, I love that camera. I've been trying to get it, but I have not been able to. No, this is Sophie's thinking. When she said that, I said, immediately, Oh, you can have it. Mind you, this Canon Mark II G7 X was sold out everywhere. It was super hard to find. It is extremely pivotal for my work and what I do. And there was no need for me to say you can have it except for this need in me to be nice. And I felt really awkward that I had this thing that this person needed and I knew they needed it. So why not give it to them? Because I could always get a new one at some point. And that fear based idea of being not good person for this person, because I have it, I can give it even at my detriment was something that when I remember the incident three, I think three, four days later, when I had an event to go to and I didn't have the camera and I had to borrow someone else's camera to take a photo. And I thought to myself, Wait, why did I give this camera out again? And I realized, Oh shoot, because I just did. And I bought a new camera. So it's fine. But for me, it's just like that was stuff that I had to in retrospect think about and ask myself, Why would you freaking do that Sophie? A friend of mine on TikTok did the same thing the other day. Guys, I don't know what just happened. So I was taking out on the girl with her register. She goes, Oh my gosh, I love your sunglasses. And I go, Oh, thank you. And she was asked me where they're from, whatever. And she's like, I've always wanted sunglasses like this. So I say here, take them. I don't know what compelled me to say that, but I couldn't take it back. Okay, she goes, Oh my gosh, are you serious? What are they going to do? No, I double down. I said, Of course, yeah, take them. And she took them. They were my new new sunglasses. My favorite. And she was like, those were her favorite pair of maybe glasses. Why would she give it out? And I was like, Girl, I can't relate to that. I am that person who would do that. And I think I'm really blessed. And I'm not saying this to complain that I'm in the capacity where if I have Versace glasses and someone has them, of course, I'll give them. I think I want the message to be that sometimes when I do these actions, are they from a place of care of fun, of love, of joy, or are they from a place of fear? Are they from a place of fear that this friend is going to feel like I'm up aty because I didn't want to give them the camera. Is this friend going to feel like I was selfish for no wanting to give them the camera? Oh, I have to be nice to this friend because I want to make sure this friend remains my friend. So let me give them this camera. Those thoughts are what I had to switch. And the biggest thing for me too is I hated disappointing people. And I had to learn and you need to hear this, it is okay to disappoint people. You can be kind and disappoint people. You can be nice and disappoint people. You do not have to break your back because you do not want to disappoint people. People need to learn to be disappointed. Okay, so we're going to talk about five signs. They are too nice, but you're actually people pleasing. Um, and let me see, we're going to do a game or we're going to test this out. We're going to see if this is true or not. These are five, these are signs you're too nice, but you're actually people pleasing. So you're not nice to actually people pleasing. And you're going to put your hand down if it applies to you. So put your hand down if you say yes before checking your energy. Yeah, okay. Put your hand down if you overexplain simple boundaries. Okay, put your hand down if you feel guilty for being unavailable. Put your hand down if you rehearse sending text messages that are about something super important that you are very scared about the response. Put your hand down if you become resentful after helping. Actually, I don't think I am. So I'm going to put my hand down for that. Put your hand down if you want to be seen as good, more than you want to be seen as honest. Put your hand down if you keep calling it keeping the peace when you're actually avoiding discomfort. This is something huge. So if you think about it from like a standpoint of if you just want things to be okay, so you choose to inconvenience yourself or other people's comfort when you're the one who's going to experience a discomfort. So we're going to put our hands down for that. And put your hand down if you're nice to everyone and you're mean to yourself. How many hands do you have down? If you're someone who had zero hands down, yes, okay, you better download of us. Is that what you should take? Is that what? Is that what's going on now? If you listen to this, are you like, I don't know if I don't relate to any of this. Okay. Okay. Queen, King, they them. He she has Z. All right. Period. I love that for you. If you're someone like me who had all their hands down or maybe a few hands down, same energy, clock it, I love it. Because what you're doing is acknowledging first that you have a problem that we need to solve and we need to fix. And the other part of me is also recognizing that it's okay to feel this way as long as you know this is a problem and you need to find a solution to it, which is why we're here because we're not going to be behaving like that anymore. Capiche. Okay. So we're going to make this real a bit because I'm trying to make sure every time I come on the podcast too and I have an idea. I want you guys to understand how tangible these things can be and how you can apply that means apply them into your real life. So like we're going to talk about people pleasing, especially in friendships, for example. So sometimes you don't realize you're doing it. Like you can just think I'm being considered, I'm being chill. I don't want drama. I'm trying to be a good person. But actually you're ended up being stressed, ended up being resentful. You even disappear sometimes. I don't think you guys understand the amount of times where I don't realize the reason why I'm so exhausted because I've tried so much for the people when it's time to try for me. I am so burnt out by trying for the people that I let myself down in the process. And that feeling of letting yourself down is something nobody should ever have to go through. And we need to learn to put ourselves first. And we're taught so often, especially as women that we're not supposed to put ourselves first. We're self-sacrificing. As a woman, you're supposed to be kind, be nurturing, be nurturing, be sweet, be understanding. You're constantly told how to behave, what to do to be the best type of person. And that is simply not okay. Like if you're a CEO, you can't be a two-night CEO. But if you're actually just who you say you are, you're sometimes called bitchy or bossy, which is ridiculous. So let's talk about this in regards to friendships, for example, because this is where a lot of people struggle. Because being two nights in friendships can also look like you're always available. You're always being the therapist. You're always understanding everybody else and not yourself. And you're never seen like this actually hurts my feelings. You just take it in. Like you're the friend who's always taking things in. And while other people get to walk around stepping all over you, you become the safe friend for everybody else. And then you are left lacking. Because what ends up happening with someone who's a people pleaser in their friendships is you're the one who takes the brunt of it. You're the one who's everyone's like, oh, selfie, oh, she's fine. Like she doesn't care. She would do whatever. She doesn't, she's going to go on this trip. Like we don't need to ask her for anything. She's going to go with the flow. When you're over, they're like, oh, I don't want to flow. I want something more. But I can tell you because I don't want to cause any drama. I don't want to be the friend who's vocal. And then you see the friend who's vocal and you become resentful of that friend because you wish you could be vocal too. But you don't want to rock the boat. Those people, yes, we're people pleaser and we need to change. And so a lot of us are doing this doing this because like we just are terrified that we're going to look difficult. And this is something that I used to struggle with, especially being a black woman, you do not want to be perceived as difficult. I hate to be perceived as difficult. In fact, I want to be the most easygoing person you've ever worked with. I want to be the person who's like the best friend to hang out with. So you can hang out with me again and again and again. But then what does that say about me? Because what if I'm not difficult? I'm simply just making sure my voice is also heard. So what that looks like now is especially for me and my friendships, is I am making sure I set boundaries about things that matter to me. So instead of like overextending myself, I'm always like, I don't have when I tell you the moment I started saying no, and that was like a full sentence, not just me saying like, oh, no, but I would maybe anything. No, I can't do this. I don't have the capacity for that right now. Can we talk about this later? I'm doing this guys. I was the friend that was always available. I'm telling you, if you call me on FaceTime, we could talk for hours even when I had things to do. And then even sometimes I would be distracted by other things, but because I need to pick up your call, I would be distracted on the phone talking to you and you would still be upset at me, but I didn't want to pick up the first place when I should have picked up too much. Now I understand boundaries. I know how to say no. I know how to tell myself, please, I'm not right now. I'm not present. Take a minute. And I also had to learn that sometimes it was okay to have disagreements with friends. And if they did not understand you, that was valid too. I have lost a lot of friends and I've gained family as well during that time. And I think in your 20s, especially, friendship is one of the hardest things, especially when you're someone like me who immigrated into a different country. So I like to tell people that when I came to America, I had no one. I met friends in college and I started building my community from that. The friends I met in college are still friends with me till today. The friends I met in high school, a few of them are still friends with me today. The friends I've met along the way are still friends with me today. And over time, especially with social media, with fame, with just meeting different people, especially your mid to late 20s, friendships can become super, super hard, especially when you're also transitioning in between cities. You have to be so intentional about finding friendships. And for someone like me who, again, recovering people pleaser, my goal was to get friends. I wanted community so bad. And that again would be at the expense of myself. And so whenever I would set boundaries and I would lose friends because of those boundaries, I used to think to myself, oh, then I must not be doing something right. Right? I'm thinking, oh, those people were not good friends to me in the first place. And so for me, that has helped me now understand the value of friendships and of people who are good to you, who understand you, who don't take your know as an attack, but instead understand communication, understand growth, understand where you need to be. And I used to, I'm telling you guys, I used to break my back to be friends with people because for me, I needed that support. I needed that community at the expense of myself. And the moment, especially now as I'm getting closer to my 30s, you realize quickly that because you said no, doesn't make you a bad person, because you're asking for communication, doesn't make you a bad person, because you are being direct, because you're being honest about your feelings, doesn't make you a bad person, just means you're setting boundaries to protect yourself, which I think is super valid. We're going to move on to dating right now, because a lot of people, oh my goodness, a lot of women, especially, especially in hetero relationships, so I mean that as in like male and female relationships, they struggle a lot with this being too nice, because we hear this a lot, especially from men, oh, they don't want a difficult woman, they want a woman who is nice, they want a one who's caring, they want a one who's soft, and what they're saying is they want a woman who's malleable. Okay, what they're saying is they want a woman who they can use, what they're saying is they want a woman who they can tone on their head, they want a toy, they don't want a person in your person. So being tonight's in dating looks like you're pretending you're okay with things when you're not okay, you're acting like that cool girl, you're acting like you're low maintenance. To feel desirable, you start shape shifting into a different version of yourself that you're you're really not, so you're wondering why you're asking yourself, maybe I need to be this way versus that way, because I want to be desirable with this person, enough is enough, come here, look at me in my eye, enough is enough, I'm telling you this, because I, I have been there, I am telling, when I, we're gonna talk about this, because if you read it's threads that I have here that I'm going to react to, because I have a story that I've been wanting to share for so long, and at mine too, a lot is the only place I've ever talked about this. In dating, a lot of women don't ask themselves, in dating, a lot of women don't ask themselves to I like this person, the as themselves, are they likable enough? Are they enough for this person? Mind you, they could be asking about the, like this bomb, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, oh, love is blind is the perfect example of this. When you see women there who are conditioned to lower their standards, and I love that this year, I think it was Kaya and Tyler were two black women and love is by sidebar about this conversation. Did you guys, are you guys watching love is blind? Love is blind US, where these two black women have this guy who again, they're like accomplished, powerful black women, and this guy is still, you know, bouncing back and forth in the two of them, and they both said no to him, and they said, you know what, we deserve better, and it's true, they deserve better. Women deserve it, they're not trying to bend over backwards because they want to get married, they know their worth. There's another guy, I forget his name, because he was clearly not memorable, who had a baddie, a gorgeous, brown, gorgeous, like what? Did you guys see how pretty she was, and this ugly guy, I think she was a doctor too, and this guy is looking at her, telling her, oh, I just, I really like a woman who does Pilates, and he looks like freaking Frodo, Frodo, Frodo is telling princess fucking Tiana that he thinks she needs to work hard. Oh, guys, for me and dating specifically, that's where a lot of people who have people pleasing tendencies tend to suffer the most, and they don't even understand, especially as women, they don't understand that it's people pleasing. They just think to themselves, oh, this is what I'm supposed to be doing when that's not the case. And so for me, like, the cost is so big because you end up in situations where someone likes the version of you that you couldn't keep for too long, because in those situations, you end up getting resentful, you end up losing yourself, you end up feeling like you became this shell of yourself, and you see that a lot, especially with women who end up getting divorces, who become glowing stars. I saw a Twitter thread the other day where this girl was talking about how she was in a PhD program, and the men in her class were talking about how they've been working really hard, but they did so well. And she found out that most of the men in those PhD programs had women who were like stay at home wives, who sold jobs, sold jobs were to make sure their lives were okay. When they got home, they had a wife who's already had their food ready for them, had their stuff laid out for them to go to bed in, had nutrition plan, they had everything, so they were able to live their life exactly how they wanted to, because they had someone who was there to take care of them now. It's that woman's choice, if she loves it, but the concept there, what I want to draw out for you is, if you are someone who is bending over backwards, the person who you're helping is still going to be living, like, blotch. They're living their best life, and you can't blame them for doing that. You can't blame them for the choices they're making, because again, you're letting them accept this for what it is. So I feel like for me now, especially with dating, I have been so intentional about setting a boundary for myself, setting a boundary for the people around me, setting and making sure that it is not lost, and whoever it is that this is exactly who I am. I can say no, when I want to, I can be very clear about the things I want for myself, that I'm not available for something casual, when I am not available for something casual, I'm not in a situation, if I don't want to be in a situation, I am not in a relationship, if I don't want to be in a relationship, and if I do, I get not ready, I'm out the door, setting those boundaries and not selling myself dreams or ideas based on what I think I should be doing, but rather what I want to be doing. I think this is really, really important, because if I have to betray myself to keep you, we don't need to be together. If you have to betray yourself to keep anyone in a relationship, if you have to feel like you have to dim your life for someone, you have to be a version of yourself that you are not fully, you cannot see yourself continuing for the rest of your life, then you, my dear, are people pleasing, you, my dear are losing yourself at the expense of a relationship that will not last long, because you're truly not being yourself. And if something else crazy to me is I always thought about, like I think about it from like, do you guys know that wicked? And I want to say this and please let it not be taken the wrong way. I think wicked women end up with the best partners, and as women, when we hear the word wicked women, now let me be clear, I use that also in like accents, right? What I was taught about wicked women are the women who are not malleable, right? They are the women who are headstrong, who know what they want, who set boundaries. Those women are the ones who are often, you know, they get married early because they find their person, they set boundaries, they tell them, man, I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that, you know how to take care of me, you do it this way. And they often have the most successful marriages, because they make sure when they do settle down, when they do find their partners, or when they do, you know, have this life that they want, they're very specific, they have their boundaries, they're very clear, and they have a partner who's willing to be in that relationship with them. And soft women, again, use this in quotes, right? Soft women are often times women that I was taught as, I just, you know, just become, they're the ones whose husbands, which she's done them 20 times, and they're in love to tell them, yeah, it's because you know where that sexy lingerie, where the lingerie, next time, don't worry, this fifth child, he's brought home, next child, it won't, it won't, it won't, it will tell you before it brings the child home. And the wicked woman is the one who, can you imagine she left the house because she said once, imagine that wicked woman, she's not wicked, she chose herself, she chose her sanity, and we were raised to think that the woman who chooses herself is wicked, is not kind, is not the good woman, you're not a good woman if you're suffering, baby, you're not a good woman, you're not a good woman if you're there, while people are walking all over you, you're not a good woman, oh guys, as women too, I hope you are listening to this because it's so important for me to talk to young women who are listening to this, your career, your career, your career, your work, your education is so important, men are raised to, you know, be super successful in that career, as women are raised to nurture the men to be successful in their careers, what about you? Reflects a way of self-embandment, right? I know I know a lot of people who have lost their aura, their pride, their joy because they chose to let go of some things because of the other thing, I had an aunt who was a aspiring engineer, one of the top of her class, but I just remember like my grandma would always say like this is for the men, when you're done with all of this nonsense with school, you need to get married, you need to go settle down because your job is to be a mother, not to be a person, and I think there are a lot of people who grow up with that, and I think people talk about this now when I love people actually from the Red Pill community, if you guys know what that means, they talk a lot about most women and all, you know, giving birth anymore, most women want to work now rather than like be at home with the family, and I think people underestimate how much the economy has changed, how much society has changed, how feminism has been a huge part in having women understand that you can choose to not work because that makes you happy, that's the beauty of being a feminist, right? But you can also choose to work because that makes you happy, and the difference between the choice is what women struggle with because some women don't have a choice, when they want to continue their education, they're not allowed to because they need to go get married, and so even in work, that looks like like you say yes to faster things, you're over committing, you're doing extra labor, I'm thinking about insecure and Molly, how she always felt like she had to do so much in her law firm to prove herself, I know Black women do this all the time, even as an influencer, I feel like even negotiating certain things, I'm like maybe I should just be grateful for what I have, your people please aim, we end up trying to earn respect by over giving ourselves to people, and what I learned is the best way for me to show up for myself at work was for me to set boundaries, say no, when I need to clock out, I'm clocking out, when I need to prioritize myself and prioritize myself, and when I wanted to get my degree, I got my degree, and I knew that's what I wanted, nothing could change my mind, and when I knew I was ready to be done, I was done. Choosing yourself would always come first, you only get this fucking life, you only get this one life, this one chance to live your dream, to be the version of yourself that you want to be, we only get one chance, I think, I don't know, the universe can be crazy, and we could all just be reincarnated to each other, but you only ideally still just have this one, so how dare you not choose it and chase the dreams to your fullest potential, how dare you know how fun, how dare you know live this life like it's your last, because it is technically, so for me for work that just means like boundaries are so important, I know too many women who lose themselves and try to prove something to people who don't give a flying fudge, they don't give a flying fudge, if you bend over backwards for that, for that degree, if you bend over backwards for that, for that task at work, it doesn't matter, because then you realize, oh my god, the fact that it's so many times, especially when I used to work at a nonprofit, where the mediocre white man is doing nothing, okay, and it's usually that white guy, it's usually that white guy who's doing nothing, who will come and take all the ideas you worked so hard for, and then pass it over as his own, and you're like, oh my god, I just worked sleepless nights for this and then it didn't happen and then you let it go, it's a lie, we're not letting anything go again in 2026, okay, we're sticking claim, we're gonna be saying this is ours, we're gonna take ownership, we're gonna say when we don't have capacity, we're gonna set boundaries, we're gonna chase our dreams unapologetically, because there's no choice, you're not going to lay down now, let people walk all over you, that's done, that's one 25 energy baby, we're in 2026, is the year of the horse giddy up, and I think lastly, I'll talk about like family too, because this is the hardest for me, family is the hardest for I think every single person, especially if you're close with your family, because that's where the pattern usually starts, you're too nice because you've seen someone in your family do it, your family is trained you to be this specific way, always listen to those uncles and aunties so crazy to you because that's just how they are, always feeling rude for protecting your space, you struggle with boundaries with family, this is something that every single person can relate to, and I understand this on a spiritual level, okay, on a spiritual level, because family just has this annoying way of making you feel like, you know, you can just let it go, like it's fine, you know, that uncle who's always so racist or so annoying or so very weird and makes you uncomfortable, it's fine, it's just that uncle I can let it go, so you're not allowed to set boundaries, and you sometimes even in more toxic families, you have people who like your family would tell you, you're not allowed to speak about, you're not allowed, this was a high certain things, you don't want to be disrespectful, you don't want drama, but boundaries are not disrespect, you're told my ties, yes, you're delivering my ties by the end of the day, having the time to tell yourself, I don't want to accept this, is not being disrespectful, it's simply you setting boundaries, and that is so important to you and your mental health and your sanity, and for me, I'm learning that I just, I need to have limits, like I remember the first time I told my mom, I love you, but I can't do this right now, she said do what? She generally felt so confused, because she was like, what are you talking to? What are you talking about? There is no choice, and I said no, no, no, there is a choice, I'm going to get up this phone, and I promise you, I'm going to call you back later when I feel like you're ready to have a proper conversation with me, and I don't think I'd ever set that boundary before, and we have a better relationship for it, I remember that first time, and how far we've come from that, because I was so scared, I was so scared, because I was so used to hearing the negative talk, I was so used to hearing these things I was supposed to just let it not affect me, let it not shake me, but they were shaking me, it was affecting me, and I didn't know how to tell anyone around me that this was affecting me, because I was supposed to just take it, and the moment I stopped letting myself take it, I was stronger for it, and the people who benefit the most from your lack of boundaries, are the ones who are going to get upset when you start putting those boundaries in place, that's okay, let them get upset, let them go, when you have boundaries, you should not be losing the right people, keyword, the right people, the people who you lose when you set boundaries, are people who were not there for you in the first place, they were not supposed to be in your life, is that thing people say when they pray, right, and they're like, oh, they pray to God, and then they lost something, and they were like, oh my God, I didn't pray for that, you probably did, the universe just helped you, you probably don't understand that now, but soon you're going to understand it, that's how I started reflecting on when I started putting boundaries in place, when I started respecting myself and choosing myself, the people that I fell off during that time, I just tell myself I was not wrong, I remember I used to cry, there was a particular friend I lost because I set a boundary, and I was so heartbroken because I really wanted that person in my life, and I just realized they didn't want me in theirs, because if they really wanted me in their life, that boundary should have not been a deal breaker, and it was for the stupidest thing, and the woman I realized that, Garald, the tears dried up, I can't remember why I was crying in the first place, honestly, I've not felt any blip in my life since then, and it's so crazy because in that woman I really, really thought, oh my God, this is going to be the end of the world, so if you're thinking to yourself, I do all these things, welcome to the People Pleasers Club, this is where it ends today, after this video is where it ends, you're not too nice anymore, you do not need to be nice, you do not need that person who's constantly making you feel like you need to do something for them, you do not need to do any of that, you're going to be setting boundaries, you're going to choose yourself before anybody else, you've learned that, you need to be agreeable to be chosen, to be loved, to be respected, and I think now you're at the point where you're not protecting yourself, and you need to, because if you don't protect yourself, who will, if you don't care about yourself, and just to be clear, when you say no, it's not easy, there's definitely some guilds, there's definitely some discomfort, there's definitely some way you're going to feel that it might not be comfortable, but I promise you it gets better, it gets so much better, I am telling you, it gets better, when you choose yourself, it gets better, so we're going to react to some things I saw on Reddit about this conversation, this user is from Friendship Advice, and it goes, so hi, I have a couple people pleasing or being considerate, I'm overwhelmed, hi, so I have a couple different group of friends, I would say I have three main groups, group A with three people, group B with four people, and group C miscellaneous on one-on-one friends, I'm super close to about five to six people total, however, group A and B friends, sometimes overlap and have things we share in common, as we like going out to some clubs, go out to same events together, so far I've been doing well with separating the groups and only combining ones in a while, but now whenever I think about having a simple game night, karaoke night, I feel like the other group would have left out if other people didn't get invited and vice versa, sometimes I don't want to invite eight to nine people to a small gathering, now that I don't want, not that I don't want to exclude the other group all the time, but group B's group of friends two out of the four are more so-so of my friends, I wouldn't hang out with them outside of my friends, my other group A of friends I do hang out one and one, but I don't want to hurt any of their feelings, but I also don't want to make it a habit of inviting eight to ten people every time I want to go out, what should I do? I feel like I'm too whole to be worrying, but also I just have friendship trauma where if a friend was not included in everything, she'd get angry, angry is crazy. If someone feels some type of way about, first of all, I think, I just asked so many ways I can take this, because I also have friend groups in this way, I have party friends, I have turn up friends, I have party friends, I have serious friends, I have friends I've met in college, I have friends in different groups, I have ADHD, my friends are all over the place, I have Nigerian friends, I have American friends, I have Asian friends, I have all the friends, and one thing I learned is honesty is the best policy and if it is your party, your invite, your event, it is your event, keyword why you are, it is about you and what you want, stop putting people's feelings into account about something that might make you uncomfortable at any of the day, I had to set the scenario so for people to understand the expectations, let me explain what that means, so if I, for example, for this friend, you literally know what you want to do, it is right there, you already know why you don't want to hang out with the friends of the friends, so don't invite the friends of the friends, if they feel some type of way about it, you can tell them why, hey, I don't really feel like, you know, this is a friend group that you might feel good at, but I promise you, I would love to invite you to X, Y, and Z, but if you really want to come, I would love for you to come, I just want you to understand why I made this decision, if the person asked you for it, if they don't, simple as you didn't invite them, I used to bend over backwards trying to integrate all my friend groups because I thought that's what they would have wanted, and then I realized that some of them really didn't, and they were just doing it again to be friends with me, and so when I started sort of making sure I was setting boundaries and expectations around certain things, it just worked out well, I remember my 26th birthday, I didn't want, I wanted to do a girls trip, and there was a lot of people I could have invited, I ended up inviting like six very different friend groups to come, and my only sole purpose of inviting those people is because I knew they would get along, I did not want a friend who was like a really big personality, I did not want a friend who was an influencer, I didn't want a friend who was like older, like I had a very curated list of the people I wanted for my birthday, and I had a very tough conversation with people, and some people got offended by it, which is fine, when the birthday came along they didn't invite me, which is fine, and I remember it was petty because I'm like I'm the life of the party, you shouldn't invite me, but I also recognized that it's their party, they can do whatever the fudge they want to, it's my party and I do what I want to do what I want to, and that's how you need to think, it's not you can't, people please your way into everything, let those people know, oh I don't want you this party, you can come to the next one, and that's fine, okay, another one is this one, my 27 female people pleasing needs to ask questions and clarify things, it's hurting my relationship with my bf 28 male, how can I stop, how can I get him to understand that I'm not trying to start a fight, my bf 28 male and I have been together for almost a year now, I know I have a people pleasing problems sometimes, and I'm always terrified of pissing someone off, if they ask me to do something and I do it wrong, so I constantly ask questions, so it comes up as me just trying to be argumentative and starting to fight, for example, for his asswarming party, he asked me to prepare the pretzel bites we bought at Costco, I read that as I needed to spread water or melted butter on top, I asked him if there was a preference and he's okay with me daring a pan to melt butter, he gets angry at me and tells me that he attacks me to do it so just fucking do it, okay, I think last night was the worst of it, he was on the plane traveling all day and I picked him up from the airport around 10 pm, I knew he didn't sleep well on his trip, he went skiing with his family to lots of early mornings, and when I picked him up he was repeating how he was going to pass on once full times, he was hungry so we got late dinner, afterwards he was embedded with his eyes closed and he looked like he was about to fall asleep, he said to pound him and suck him, that's usually how we initiate sex sometimes, I responded with are you sure you don't want to wait till tomorrow when you're not tired, and he didn't respond, he just lies there with his eyes closed and I could tell he's agitated, so I immediately start to kiss him and snuggle and try to get things going, he wasn't responding and just kept his eyes closed so I stopped and just hugged him, he looks at me and goes can I help you, and I was like oh and I was like oh I'm sorry I wasn't sure what you wanted and then he yells at me as I, I just, and then he yells at me and just can't stop staring shit and I was probably doing this to piss him off, and then he yells at me how I could just can't stop staring shit that I must be purposely doing to piss him off, I said no I just needed some reassurance, I'm going into how many mixed signals, he said if you can't admit what I'm doing then I need to get out, I apologize for previously and left the room in tears, I can see how that can be agitating for him but I also want him to understand that this isn't coming from a place of malice and I don't know what to do, don't piss me the fudge off, don't even vex me right now, okay, Sophie let's be nice, this is the thing, hey first of all dump that man, dump him run, dump him and run away, go go go go, you should have run, run away, I absolutely am disgusted by his behavior first of all first of all, through me obviously, this man is saying pound him and suck him, who are you talking to a good, a horse, a sex toy, pound him and suck him for him to, no that people in that bedroom get doing the things they want to do, God have mercy, so this is the thing two things can be true, he can be an asshole and you need to also grow some balls and what I mean by that is I'll be very honest and sometimes the people please there is we can be annoying, we can be frustrating, there's not warrants that level of disrespect so please get him out of the house, but if I'm speaking to her directly so that relationship if she's moving on from that relationship she needs to understand that you should not ever question yourself and that comes from gaining a lot of confidence in who you are and not taking shit and that's why when I brought up relationships and friendships and stuff a lot of women tend to want to be let me not stress them out, let me not bother him, let me do all these thinking, let me do all this overthinking about how to be a better person, how to be a better fiance, a better wife, a better girlfriend, are they doing the same thing for you? Probably not, so what can you do for yourself? So in that situation, did you even want to have sex? Did you even want to go pound town and suck him? And if you did, why didn't you just do it? I can talk about my history when I was really really young about sex and how I used to always just want to please my partner even at my expense and I never understood why and this is somebody I enjoyed sex, okay, enjoyed. But I still was always, because I had been taught that I was supposed to take care of my other person, that was all I ever thought I was doing and I relate to this so heavy because I'm the kind of person who's like, am I doing something right? Could you tell me what to do? And that can be a bit frustrating, but here's a key, here's a thing, you should never be with someone who would disrespect you in that way. If someone can't reassure you over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again, they don't care about you and I stand on that hill. Reassurance can be frustrating, but when you love someone, I would reassure you down till the very end if I understand where you're coming from and I also need someone like her to learn, first of all, boundaries, self-love and understanding that it's okay to make decisions and if the person doesn't like it, they can open their own mouth. So if he really wanted you to have sex, he could have said, hey baby, I want to have sex. If he wanted something, he's going to ask for it and then you could decide too because you have ownership, you have ownership and you can also say yes or no when you want to because you have boundaries. Okay, this one says, being too nice on dating apps. Hi, I just want to write this about how I behave with guys and dating apps. I feel almost obliged if they're too nice to me to reply even when I'm not into them. I have blocked some at early times, but otherwise I struggle. Like, I'm talking with this guy who I thought was normal looking, nah, handsome, nor ugly and we're understanding each others and he was handsome when he showed me a photo four years ago or the picture in his profile, but when he showed me how he is now, I totally felt like no attracted to him and he's no attractive. And I feel sad because he has a good personality and most people that actually keep talking to him, but I really wish to stop talking to him. I also don't know if you can look at handsome, actually, if he's just ugly in the photo, he sent to me. But in this case, we use an older picture for people. We said it didn't take me to pixel themselves recently. I don't know if this is people pleasing. I went to see if other people felt the same way or not and wants to do in these situations. Okay, some men just don't know how to take photos. So for me, I'm like, okay, maybe maybe see if you want to be into him. Well, I will say this, women in dating operate from a scarcity mindset and men operate from an abundance mindset. And I think that's the shift in this scenario. Maybe I'm going to deep with this, but there's always going to be hotter. There is always going to be hotter. If you do not like that, man, you're going to find another man. How many times have you broken up with someone thinking I'm never going to find someone like you again, and you're dating someone else three months later, you've been focusing the extra. You thought you were never going to forget. Now, there might be an extra. You're always going to remember forever, but that's like one enough freaking million that it's billion people, I think, on the planet, eight billion people. You don't have to settle. You do not have to settle. If you do not like someone, let them go. There's, there's an abundance of choice. There's an abundance of choice. Ugly men know this and they still be choosy. Ugly men be picky. It's only women to be like, oh, you see some badass women with some bombs. You see some badass women with bombs and you're wondering why is because they're trying to be people pleasers. Not a lie. Okay, last one. My 21 male girlfriend, 20 female, is an extreme people pleaser. How can I help her? Throw away count. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost a year now. I always adored and admired her because she was really outgoing and likable while I'm way more reserved. Because of this, I could never predict her people pleasant tendencies. So about a week ago, while we're having sex, forgive me if this is too kinky. I choked her and she had to use our safe word we should never use before. I was quick to stop and comfort her and ask if she wanted to talk about anything. She said no one actually could still help me get off and I declined because I was super uncomfortable. I just pushed her to the point of having to use our safe word. I made her to talk to me about things she liked and distracted about our sex and she asked me what I disliked. I told her she's over enthusiastic. She always immediately says yes and run out of the situation. Obviously consent is sexy but seriously, there's never hesitation she always gives in. She didn't drop the bomb on me that she's unable to say no to me. I thought that was fucked up because now I'm unsure about the times we've had sex and she was actually into it. She tried to justify it by saying she wouldn't want me to deny her so she didn't want to deny me. I kept trying to tell her the importance of boundaries but she kept saying she doesn't have very many when it comes to me and I should do anything for me. She started sounding extremely codependent especially when I told her she should find help and she just said the only person she needs is me. I walked out on her because I was unable to find a middle ground and honestly scared me out anxious she was acting. She kept saying that I hated her and that I think she's fucked up whenever I try to bring up things from the past she told me to stop it which I find destructive because she can't accept the truth. I don't want to keep having sex with somebody who lies about being in the mood constantly. I kind of help her set boundaries and learn to say no. I'm scratching my head guys if you listen to this on audio. Okay. How loud do I want to be? How loud do I want to be? Let's be loud. Let's be fucking loud. So I have been great before I am sugar warning. I am a survivor. I would say a victim. I don't I don't know what the word is but I have been through sexual assaults with as has several so many women unfortunately and that fundamentally changes your mindset and your thinking especially around the opposite sex and especially around sex as well and I remember when I first got into my relationships I was a bit I wasn't hypersexual but I operated from the lens of I didn't want that violence again so I needed to be accepting of anything and this is something that it's so close to home for me because this is where people please and also stamps right I should let's talk about it. I would put myself in situations that I didn't want to be in. I I have been in situations where I was I wanted to say no but I couldn't say no for fear of that no being overridden as it had in the past and so instead I could handle it I could toughen up I can take it and this showed up in so many ways in my previous relationships that it took therapy honestly and it took very intentional therapy around sexual assaults to on learn a few things now I'm not saying this woman has been assaulted before but I bring that up to understand the mindset sometimes that some women can have in that situation and other women too who with sex have sexual sexual desire sexual intent for women is oftentimes based around the man like you know women are even like we're not taught out to masturbate men are like men are doing did to do like it's typical like we see in movies how many socks and lotion young teenage boys have in their rooms but we never talk about a woman's pleasure we never talk about a woman's a woman getting pleasure we oftentimes attributes a woman's pleasure to the man and that psyche affects young women especially in your 20s because I like to say your 20s is when you start you're starting to figure out sex you're either in college you're graduating um you're getting your first job you're dating like this is the time where you're exploring who you are and if your upbringing is one where sex is oftentimes spoken about as giving that man pleasure it can manifest as intense as what this guy is describing with his girlfriend and I don't say this as something that only happens to one two women this is very very common thinking and to those women if you're one of those listening to this I want you to understand that your pleasure is important to your pleasure is important to your pleasure is important to I think when I when I was with men I only ever came maybe five to ten times and I I felt the law and I remember um just you know when like you're I feel like a love woman can't relate to this when someone's having sex with you and you just know that like once they're done they're done so you're just like making all that noise just fake it to be done because you just always thought oh I'm not supposed to come like it's so hard for me to come oh I'm just such a difficult woman baby no the man isn't just caring enough to take you there take me there let me go there he's just not caring enough to take you there when you have a good partner when you open your mouth the there was one time the first time let me tell you this the first time I actually ever like opened my mouth and said oh I didn't come I want to he that was a good day and I was so scared I was so scared to ask I was so scared to ask but when I finally did the pleasure that opened and even the the communication with my partner the connection we had was so different and I want more of that for women we're so accustomed to suffering and struggle because we want to take care of the man we oftentimes for guide ourselves and this situation is no less so first of all I love that Lisa's asking what he can do to help her and I think teaching her ownership teaching her pleasure teaching her care and safety is super important and picking your partner and having those boundaries in place when you pick your partner is important in conversations like this if you have the partner who you're able to speak about things like this with that is a lot more important than anything else and I just I love that he's asking and hopefully like she gets some help in terms of finding out what she loves and how she can enjoy herself more because sex should be fun okay being in a relationship should be fun navigating relationships in that way should be fun I feel like that just triggered her law in me and I'm always get off this this podcast episode and go right in my journal about that because wow that's that is something that I hit so close to home but that is the end of my people pleaser a two-night episode um I think for a lot of people who listen to this I hope what you take out of this is you are supposed to be the only person in this world that you should bend over backwards for you are the only person that you should be so in love with that nobody else comes first nobody else should ever come before you because if you look at life this way nothing nothing can break you nothing can affect you because you are so strong and so in tune with who you are that's your flourish and you're glowing you're thriving because of it so it's enough of the niceness enough of diney to be enough of the poem I'm breaking your back for other people you should be doing that for you if you give all that energy and pour that into yourself maybe you'd be unstoppable just like me and we're learning so much and we're growing so let me know in the comments you guys have anything that I missed if you guys have thoughts let me know gold drop of voicemail you can also send me an email at podcast at theaudity.com if you ever want to just share something and you want me to react to that on the episode but besides that is the end of today's episode guys I loved yapping away about this I hope you did too um don't forget to like comment and subscribe give me a rating on spotify apple anywhere you listen to this on youtube as well no no you can rate on youtube so maybe not I love you guys very much and I'll see you guys the next Wednesday with am I too loud the podcast I will talk to you guys later this is the fun episode let me go think about my life real quick bye