SPILLING ALL MY FIRSTS - EP 08

Welcome to Amai Tulao the podcast. Oh, is this the Thanksgiving episode? Happy Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving everybody. I hope you guys are having an amazing sort of like thankful time. I thought we don't celebrate Thanksgiving here. We celebrate like friends giving or just being thankful in general before the end of the year. Um, what else am I going to say before we start this episode? I wanted to do a really fun like get to know me episode. Again, like, am I too loud? The podcast? Is this loud? Just me. Is it okay? I think so. Okay, but what if I now? But um, I might smell the podcast. It's supposed to be like this like unfiltered version into my life. Um, and so we try to do like some pop culture commentary stuff. I don't think you guys like that. Let me know in the comments on YouTube if you're watching on Spotify or anywhere else you guys get the podcast because I feel like we try to do like pop culture commentary talking about like news and events and stuff. And you guys are just like so can we do not give a flying fudge. What your thoughts are. So we're still trying to figure out what the concept or like plan or outline of the podcast is going to be. But essentially what I know and what Donald knows, Donald is behind the camera is we enjoy talking to you guys. And I enjoy over sharing and I know a lot of people think all the sharing is weird online. But I want to say this, everything I ever do share online, I know I'm sharing it. Like, this is intentional. So everything I post is edited, is reviewed, is watched thoroughly before I post it. So I enjoy spilling the tea or talking about things that you don't necessarily see people like me talk about because I really feel like I'm saying like a lot. I apologize. I don't know. I don't think a lot of my favorite podcast to listen to is call her daddy, um, hot mess by Alex Cooper, Emma Chamberlain's podcast. And I think what they all have in common is they're all white girls. And like you're probably wondering Sophie, what is it? Your thing went off. Which one? Your camera. It was good. Okay. Oh, okay. I got distracted. It needs to be such a crazy thing. Um, but what I was trying to say is, um, they're all, they haven't come as they all white girls. Now, this is such a broad statement, but as a black girl living in America, I realized that if I ever had a conversation about the glow, glow 3000, I am going to be perceived differently, right? Or if I had a conversation about sex or relationships or finance or it's like just the way stereotypes and labels and boxes work, I'm going to be stereotyped differently. But I want to sort of break that barrier and have really fun, authentic, crazy conversations. And basically just overshare because I want our community to enjoy that. Again, like a lot of the things you hear on my podcast is the communities I'm a part of, they're all fueled a lot by shame. And I saw a comment on Instagram the other day, Donald, where some guy was like, well, you don't say shame because sometimes it's cultural values and traditions and norms. And I'm like, yeah, cultural breeds of what society is saying. So there are a lot of ways. If the culture is shaming you, it's because society is allowing the culture of shame. Like their culture is out there, not celebrating the other culture of shame. So in many ways, shame is still a huge part of being black, being Muslim, being an immigrant. There's so many things around shame. So that point is said because today's episode is all about my first. And this could be anything from first relationship, first job, heartbreak, all of it. I'm always going to do a video like this. And I think I've attempted to do something like this on my blog channel. But you know what? I've always wanted to do something like that. So we're going to do a bunch of my first. Ask y'all a Snapchat to send me information. And you know, I also like have a bunch of stuff that I also have. We're just going to do like a fun video where you get to know me some more. And we talk about all my first and his stories behind it. I have about 21st, but Donald, you can also like throw in a first. If you feel like being an asshole. I have one. I knew you were going to have one. No, no. And he's based off of this conversation. What I just said. Okay. Okay. Because it reminded me of a comment that I read. Okay. I read a comment. Okay. I actually wrote that first. Okay. Okay. So the comment was, this was on our last episode. Okay. It went about like, Donald Trump winning. We came back on the episode and then talking about it. So she said, I'm asking this January without any malice or sting. But how exactly does a Trump presidency negate your existence as a black woman? I know his policies are very stunch on issues of migration and abortion. But how is this really extremely impactful? Hold that thought. Right? So I would answer that question. Okay. But also tell me the first time you realize you are black. Because when you're talking about it, right, you're like, you have all this podcast that you watch. Yeah. But the fact that I'm like, are we talking about the fact that we're black too much? Right. We just dive into conversation. I always think about that, Donald. Yay. Let's talk about it. First of all, to that comment, I think my biggest thing is any presidency will impact me as a black person in America. Because again, the system in America is not designed with a black person in mind. If anything is designed to put us down, think about it from like housing initiatives, from affirmative action, from laws around abortion rights and about freedom of reproductive rights, think about it from like the police and police brutality. Think about it from access to so many things that if I'm going to try to get a house or a home, if I'm going to try to get an apartment lease, if I'm going to, if I'm driving down this year and the police stops me, all these things are fueled by the kind of rhetoric that the country is pushing forward. And that rhetoric is anti-black. Like hearing him talk about Puerto Ricans as the garbage island country. Right. Talking about Trump himself is called black gorillas and he was called black people. He said stuff like black people don't work hard enough. Right. He's been one of the foremost folks who was trying to prosecute the Central Park Five for a crime they did not commit. Like he has made it very, very clear. He is not interested in championing any sort of identity other than being white person in America. So that's my answer to that. And when we talk about like being black, it's interesting because I went to a panel at Wharton Business School the other day. And on that panel where a lot of African creators. But even within that panel, a conversation came up where it was like who among you here was actually born on the continent and came to America. Right. All we hear is the fresh innovation immigrant and vice versa. And I struggle with that too. Because identity is such a huge part of our lives that I think we do ourselves a disturbance not to bring it to the forefront. I think if you are white, you have the privilege of not putting your identity first because your identity is the majority in many ways. If a white person ends up going anywhere around the world where there is a minority, the identity will become a huge part of them. That's true. Because the identity is the first thing people see. That's the issue with America. I would have to see color because I am not the majority at all in the space. If I went back home to Nigeria and I kept saying, oh, I'm black, I'm black, I'm black. We're going to look at me like, okay. The identity doesn't matter there. I see a lot of white creators who do African dances and stuff like the Afrobeats. And some of them even live in Nigeria and stuff. The identity is the white girl who dances Afrobeats. They make sure that is the selling point around that. It doesn't make sense because the identity has to be that if you're not the majority. So for me, why I keep on bringing the fact that I am black? Because I even see a lot of podcasts where it's like, black girls do this, black girls do that. Because if you are looking at a huge part, for you to pull out the people that are like, are for you, you have to be very direct in need. And the hardest thing for me is if I show up on a podcast on YouTube, on YouTube feed, and it's my face, on a thumbnail, with a text or whatever, I'm really curious to see if 15 to 24-year-old white woman would click on it, not even because of what I'm saying, because I'm black. It's curious. It's just different. We shouldn't front that or deceive ourselves that that's not the reality. I think as a black girl who is open to different experiences, I am able to watch other people's content no matter what color they are. But I also know people who are very much in their own echo chamber, which is known as really a bad thing, who only watch certain things. And that's also understandable. So there's a different, the kind of women who watch Call Her Daddy, might not be the girls who have ever heard of Jackie Aina. That's just a thing. But Jackie Aina is a huge part of the black girl experience in America here. You see what I mean? So it's just different. So I also struggle with that too. And I don't want this podcast to be the black girl podcast, because I'm more than my agency as a black girl. However, I will be remiss to not also bring up the fact that I am a black woman, living in a majority white country, who's a minority here. So that identity plays a lot of factors in how I've been like, position myself in spaces like this. Does that make sense? The dose. Okay. So what was the first time? My first time what? The first time. I think I said the story already. So my first time, the first time I thought I was black was, oh, we're going to get into first. My first time that I realized I was black was in my first time in school. I went to school in West Virginia, a conquered university, campus beautiful, very, very gorgeous university. And we were filling out the forms for like getting to know each other so it was in 2014. And the question was, what's your race or ethnicity or whatever that question we all get on forms. And it was like, you know, why took occasion and ancestry, like black or African American, like all of that, like all the options. I feel like I never get past the black because that's what I take. I can't remember any other option. Maybe eight year old number two. Whatever the option. And there was other. So at that point, this is 2014. I just came from Nigeria. I'm an immigrant. Logically for me, I wasn't black or African American because I didn't have an American passport. My understanding was you were black and African American. If you lived in America, you were an American in America who was African American. Why is it really a question? I don't know. So I put other. And I put African. And I was doing the first time I didn't identify myself in Africa. But I was going to put it in Nigeria. And I was like, maybe that might be too specific. And I remember my professor at the time called me up after class and he said, hey, you're. You really said, oh, you're supposed to take the second one. And I remember saying, yeah, I was like, oh, like no, I'm African. I'm an international student. He said, all you niggas are the same. He said the end word. He literally said, all you niggas are the same. Put it there. And I remember like, you're like, okay. And I put it there. No, I've been. I didn't care that he called me the end word because I didn't understand the impact of it. I remember just like laughing to other international students and international office where I was like, this professor just said that I was like, all you niggas and sound like, are we the same? And they were like, oh, he said that to you. Why would he say that? You should report into the school. As when I was looking at them, I was like, lie. I'm not an end word. Like, I am not that. Like, if he's thinking that about me, that's his problem, whatever. But I think after living in America for so long, I recognize even the privilege I had to not let that be a slight on me. Because I've grown up with such pride around like who would majority look like me. So if you're a white person who's speaking that way to me, I feel like that's on you. Like, you would never slight me for your issues. So that was my first time. Okay. All right. My first time moving out is the first one. Because I'm an immigrant, I like talking about this. I want to like share some more information. First time moving out was when I went to boarding school. I, again, I'm not in jaren, but I'm in the senate. And I think it's very typical for you to send your kids to boarding school. And I think growing up, I really, if you watch the first episode of the podcast where you get to know me a bit, I just didn't, I never wanted to be home. Like my brother, my mom is like really, really close to my brother and we're 10 years apart. And he was like my mom's child. So like he went to school everywhere where she was. He was maybe like 23 minutes away from home every single time. And I think for the first time, once I was able to like start deciding where I wanted to go to school, my choice was far away. Like I've always been that kid who was like, I need to go as far away as possible from home to build an identity for myself. And I ended up doing that. So I went to school and that was the first time I was moving out. But like officially, officially, yeah, that was it. That's pretty much it. Yeah. He's like, yeah, that was it. Not me, but that was it. But boarding school was, was, was that like right? Because honestly, would you send your child to boarding school? Hmm. Would I send my child to boarding school now? No, he wants you to know. I think I am. Wait, wait. I feel like you're one of those moms who send your child back to Nigeria to get there too. They're like, it's interesting to me. Absolutely. I don't know if I would now. If you'd asked me this question about three or four years ago, I might have said I would send my child home like, I think I held such value. I held the Nigerian principles and values really, really in high regard. I think things are changing now. So then if I'll do the same thing, they don't exist anymore in that way. I don't know if I would send my kid to boarding school. I will say boarding school is very, very much like at the far end of the idea of tough love. You know what I mean? Like a child in boarding school is a child. This is just like non-showroom. No, it's tough love. You think so? I think so. I think there's a lot of scribes to that. No, no, no, no. Because you're talking about boarding school where they beat your ass. No, I'm just looking about the fact that you send your child away. Yeah, but like, you're just like teaching them to be adults. Because they call that camp. And that you would then go to camp. No, no, no. But also like, Richard will send their kids to boarding school because they don't want to. No, I think it's like, because think about it. From a culture of our parents having to work and not having time to stay with the kids. Because now you're in culture. If your kid is not in boarding school, the mom is at home 24-7 with a child. Unless you can afford to have like a maid. I don't think you need a mom. Yeah, yeah. I think you need a mom. It's very hands-on on you. If you don't, like, that's the easiest way to like have that child be safe while you're able to like do other things, right? But I think the level of protection is what we call into question. Because I remember like, when I was getting beat up in secondary school, like I was getting bullied. All those things, it felt like the norm. I think now we're getting to a point where people are like, that's terrible. Do not beat kids up in high school. How is handled, right? Yeah, like it's the kids like. When you're playing with your kids, you're struggling. When you get that to my mom and I was like, yo, I don't want to go back. I'm there like, you're not back. And I'm trying to do what you just have for a few years. But what do you do? Three years. But you know what's funny is like the moment I go to senior school, it was different. I was like, okay. Yeah. Because now I was like, I don't know when it's to get as a student. You know what I want to know? Well, yes. 100%. 100%. I'm like, I'm taking back my power. My voice whisperance is like, I can't remember a lot because I think it was a lot of trauma involved. I just hit it. My brain, as it should be said, we're not going to think about this. We're just going to let it go. Well, that's my first time moving out. It's shaped a lot of who I am today. I think it helped me be tough. It also warped my thinking where I'm like, I'm a very independent person now. Living alone, living, like going to America made sense because I went to boarding school. So that leads into my second and first time. My first time traveling alone was technically when I went to law school back in Nigeria in a different state. But I feel like that was like my first time on a flight away from home. Again, I wanted to make sure I was far away from home. You got on the flight? Yeah. It was like a 36,000-hour flight. From where to where? From Lagos to Quara State. Oh shit. Yeah. I'm not. If you're interested, you don't know where it is. Yeah. I'm not part of it. I wouldn't be part of it. I'm just saying. It was like, don't air piece, like air something. And then I'll use that. But officially, like my longest distance was when I first came to America, which was in 2014, that flight from Lagos to Nigeria to JFK, was actually where I came to. Full circle. No. I came with, actually came with Emirates. I was like, we got one and we didn't. But it was like the one, she was with no expenses then. I wanted $700. Yeah. But with the stuff in Abu Dhabi. So like I started with Abu Dhabi. I worked there. I remember like walking around with like my little carrying on. 17-year-old Sophie just looking around like. You were alone. I was alone. I traveled alone. I was. But I tell you. Of course, I'm ever leaving like home finally, like fully for that long flight. Make it sure I made. I got my other flight. And when I'm not changes, you know. When my mom talks to me now about how I'm so independent, I look at her like. You did all these things. You made me this woman today. You did it. Like you told like you trusted me enough to know that I could get on a flight by myself. Yeah. To go to a whole different country. To see. Of course, I was coming here to meet my uncle. So there was like some connection there. Well, for the most part, I was alone. I'm not like 24 or 26 hour long flight. In a foreign country. In a foreign country. I didn't know. I didn't like it was terrifying. But I feel like I prepared for that because I went to boarding school. Because I went out of state for. I feel you just like flying here. I figured I figured it out. Yeah. And I've always been the. I'll figure it out like no matter what. So I think that's why I also would say like I enjoy boarding school. And you're like being alone because I. I. I didn't have to lean on anyone. And because I saw my mom and my brother be such a partnership with each other. I felt like I couldn't bother. So I just had to figure it out. Please, I need to go. Did you watch home alone? Yeah, I wasn't. Oh my god. I really. It's so hard. So hard to come alone because even like growing up for me. If you guys don't know this growing up for me was interesting because my mom was the big mummy. Okay, so if you're not African, every home has a big mummy or big daddy. It's like the first. That's like the first born like auntie or mom or daughter or son or someone or someone who maybe is like the richer person in the family. My it wasn't case for us there. But it was mostly like the pie the family head. Which is who they call big mummy big daddy. It was that in the family. So a lot of her siblings will send their kids to our home. So as someone in the house, I think we had like seven cousins living in the house with us. That's crazy. And like my mom is the kind of person who didn't want to play favorites. So she made sure I was reminded every time that she was not going to play favorites. You know what I mean? That's crazy. So like if everyone's getting punished, I'm getting punished for. You almost like when all the kids are on the floor. Yeah, we all start. Yes, we had our house made. I love her. After school coming back home from school, sitting down, we're all sharing the plate of food. Mommy comes back late at night. Big mummy is here. Big mummy is here. I greet everybody. But the only thing I will say is I did sleep in my mom's room the entire time. So like I had like that connection. We never talked or anything. But I just knew that. But also for me, I was sleeping in her room. But everybody else had their room. You know what I mean? So I didn't even have an identity to stand on. Like I didn't have like my space. It was like my mom is room. And like I would leave my mom's room to go get my clothes in my cousins' rooms. So secondly my house. Like it's like a mind-fuck basically. Anyways. So yeah. That was my first time traveling alone. And like sort of starting with her. What are you smiling at all? It's just interesting. I'm like, I feel like we just glaze over punishment. Like this is punishment. Is punishment? Yes. Because like we were forced to go up. Yeah. Because like you see how like home alone is a whole movie. Because like they forgot him at the airport. Right? Yes. Do you know anything? I'm like also like a kid like that. As African kids, you're forced to grow up really quickly. Especially when you live in the continent. Do you know what I went to board a school? I was nine. Yeah, we're all nine. Like eight or nine. Why? You went to board a school with my friends at eight or nine years old. Why would you do that to me? Like why would you? Well, are you not stronger because of it? I don't know. Exactly. I'm stronger but what's the alternative? What's the alternative? What's the struggle? Because I remember like when we're in school and when we have like the kids who come from America who were punished to come back home. And then we make you feel like trash for like living this life. Like how would your parents do this to you? What do you mean this is the norm? Yeah, I think that's different. I don't know how to put my kids through that. I don't know. That's interesting. I didn't think about it from that perspective. But again, I'll always say it's shaped me so it's different. So was your first job an official job? Or was it like you just see that jump to the next job? Or was it when you were working in boarding school? Ah, okay. So here's the story. Okay. My first job, my first job was technically in boarding school you have like little tasks that you do. Or like you're like a prefect or you have like a role. So I think my one of my first things that has to do is I would work for the metron. Like the house mistress, I worked for her in her flat. We clean her flat for her washer toilet, like sometimes cook food, all that stuff. But I will say technically my first job in America when I moved here was to be a resident assistant. So I worked as like the similar like house mistress vibe because of boarding school here in America. My first big girl, big girl job was when I worked for a nonprofit in DC. I have a master's in peace and conflict studies. So I worked for a nonprofit in DC as a communications strategist. So that was like my first big girl job. When you act out for his job. When you expect you to work out for prefects. Yeah. Iron you code so you can get some more from my protection. What is your thing? Do you exchange it? Do you exchange it? Gable for protection. To me, that is an economy that works. That is true though. I was not even. No, because if I think about it, that is true. For the most part, that was my first job. But I will say I had to also like, I breathed hair under the table in college. I would make food for people to make money. I've had like, menial jobs here and there. For the most part, that was my first job. Okay, let's see. My first major failure. I have not really had a lot of major failures ever, I don't think. Like, I don't think it's my. Yeah, I don't think I've had a lot of major failures. You have a failure? No, I'm thinking I'm trying to think of your failures. I know right. I'm like, well, I've not had a lot of major failures. But I also tend to, if I'm being honest, I don't think I've had a lot of failures because I don't think I've allowed myself to take a lot of risks. I don't think so. I think it's so. I still disagree. You think I take a lot of risks? Oh, my God. I don't. So I don't. Your existence is a risk. No, it's true though. Right? Do you think that? Let's bring it back to the whole black thing, right? Okay. Being black is a risk. Right? Like dreaming black is a risk. Okay. Because it's like, there's no guarantee. Right? And your constancy thing, because your constancy hearing knows, knows, knows, knows as you're going. Like, your, you take some, like, bro, like, your life, the fact that like, you're putting this out, right? And putting all these things that we share, sharing is a risk. Right? Okay. And let's even talk about financial aspects, right? Yeah. All the constancy investments that we're constantly doing. Even the fact that like, why are we not here? Like, if we wanted talking security, we would not be doing this podcast in the middle of the day. I won't be here. That's true. We would like apply, quitting your job. That's true. Yeah. That's true. Oh, America. Do you know what I mean? Okay. When we say like that, I feel like, yeah. Um, I don't, I never, I think the, the important thing here is the relationship to failure. And how we look at failure. Yeah. Because I don't think failure is a bad thing. It's not. It sucks in the moment. It does. It's very bad. I'm feeling very much failure. You know, yes. It sucks. Like, it's very hard because it's like, especially because when you take risks, you're trusting your instincts. And when that thing results to some version of failure, it's hard to battle with the fact that like, you trusted yourself. And now this is what happened. And this will happen. That's true. But you have to learn from it. Okay. Okay. I think, I think that's pretty valid. I am, I'm actually speechless. I have nothing to say about it because I've not thought about it in that way. Right. When I saw like the list of we created and I thought about my failure, I didn't think I took enough risks. I, I think of failure as like a huge investment in something. But then I realized I actually have a lot of investments out there that I just, I think I like to have where walls up already where I tell myself if this fails, it's okay. So I think maybe that is why I don't think I've ever had a major failure because I don't allow myself to think about the risks I'm taking as things are going to fail. If anything, if they've not succeeding in the way or at the rate that I want them to, they've not failed because I'm going to keep trying. And I think that is a different mindset that might be helping me stay afloat and stay sane. So for example, I've been wanting to be a YouTuber for the longest time. Like if anyone knows me, I talk about loving YouTube so much. And I have created three channels now. I'm constantly posting on YouTube and I would have said I hate this. It's not working. I want to, but I'm constantly improving and researching and learning. And when I think about it, I'm like, okay, well, I'm constantly trying. So there is no failure because I'm not letting it go. I don't think I've ever not done something until I was done with it. I don't think I've allowed myself to fill it anything. If I, I don't think I would never try. Like I always would try. And then if it doesn't work out, I didn't work out. Why don't you have been gotten to where you've never worked out before? Interesting. I did not know I did that. Yeah. Because I think we went into about risk. So I think some people take risks or like you have to be educated and calculated to some extent, right? Just like not as true. Because you can just like risk it all, right? Risk it. Yeah. Yeah. What do you risky? I thought you were singing the victoning one. Oh, risk. Risk. Risk. How did you get to your buddy risky? I thought you were talking about it. Well, you're right. I'm going to do all episode on failure because there's really a lot to unpack about like my relationship with failure. I will cry to you for that episode. So stay tuned for you guys for that, you guys. All right. Moving on, my first business idea, this I think like relates to my idea of failure because I have struggled with this a bit. I don't think I am ready to launch a business. And my biggest thing with that is that I think might be my ultimate risk. Like don't know why you're spurking by the camera. Okay. So guys saying that as like someone who does not consider YouTube and social media and all this stuff of business, it is my business. I know that. Right. But I mean like having something tangible to hold to say this is mine, I don't think I'm ready to take that risk yet and do it. And I've heard so many people tell me you need to start a merch line. You need to start though. You need to put your money into something, build a business, do the same. And I'm like, that's such a risky thing for me to think of starting. I don't know how to even start it so I would rather not do it. Okay. Go ahead, subtle. Okay. So I do the reason why. And I want, this would be a lesson moment. Okay. Business is my forte. Yes. Okay. I think it's because you, the reason you thinking that what you're doing right now is not a business. Yes. It's crazy. Because it is. Okay. Right. It's like the investments you're making into content, right. All the different moving parts that exist under the old DLC, right? Yes. You're like a whole. Right. You're like a whole president for it. Yeah. And I think that matters. And that has to be looked as a business to an extent. Okay. Because someone, that's the way someone tells you and they're like, oh, like you need to start a product line. Yes, sure. The question is why. Yeah. Right. Yeah. There's a business model. There's a business model. There's a business model. Right. And the business model for the oddity LLC is you are selling so sponsorship placements on content that you're distributing. Yeah. You're a distribution channel. Oh. Period. No, I didn't think about it like that. What you are doing. So another business idea is like products, right? Selling products to that audience. Based on my identity and impact. Exactly. Exactly. So even if you start a new merch line, you're expanding the oddity LLC. No. So they're rocking. Right. But the thing is, you actually don't have to do it. I don't. Because you can just like bury your business. And there's this thing that I think with business owners is like, we tend to look outward a lot. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because we're actually like, this is like a strong look that the oddity LLC is like, oh shit. Like multiple verticals. Different channels. I think about how many YouTube channels, how many followers, like everything that exists, that was built from the ground up, right? Yeah. And this thing was about like your first business idea. Yeah. I think knowing you, I think your first biggest idea was when you started your blog. That's true. Oh, stupid. Don't know. If it can be like, think I'm going to cry. You sure I mean? Yeah. Okay. Well, you think of it from that perspective, it makes sense. I wonder why I, and maybe like anyone listening can relate to this too. I, I am a huge, I tend to put myself like not down, but I don't tend to think through the things I do as anything special or big. Like I just simply exist. I think for me, my blog was my first because I started actually like starting ads on it. I was like, strictly thinking about that. But when you're told while you're growing up that that's not a business, I think you ingrained into yourself. What's right now is I don't think I'm successful at what I do because I didn't go to school for it. And that's something that I have to actually go through two years of therapy for. My idea of success was the fact that I got a job in DC at a nonprofit. I got a nine to five. That is what I was supposed to do because I went to school for fricking 16 years for that shit. You know what I mean? Like I've been told I need to get all-athed. No bees. That's to make it work. And so for me now, having a career in entertainment where I'm supposed to make people laugh, create skits, do a video, be entertaining, do the, do the. For me, it doesn't feel like work because I don't think I am intentionally going to school for it. But I remember when I met Donald for the first time, he told me about like going to the New York Film Academy and you know, he has created a film, he's doing scripts, he's read this and I have friends, I live in New York, so all my friends are doing acting classes and they're doing Broadway. You know all these things. And I'm looking and I'm like, I wish I did. My idea is, oh my god, I wish I had done that. I wish I went to school for it. I saw a video with Lupita Nyongo where she talked about doing that going to school for something and then like she's super successful at it. And then I look at myself and I'm like, maybe that's why I'm not successful at what I do. But that's not true because I am really successful at what I do. I have to get through a different route. And because I spent the bed out half of my first take at life I guess, sort of thinking academics was the only way to go to be successful. I have had to unlearn so much for myself. And I'm still learning and I'm still unpacking that. So yeah, I think that's a huge thing for me. So even like thinking about what my first was an idea and I'm like, oh yeah, the blog it makes sense. And I also like, I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, one launch a scalp care line. I keep saying this to myself. I don't think I have any plans of growing my hair out. And I want to make sure I'm able to take care of my scalp and my head properly. I still don't know how I'm going to do that. I'm still working on it. But I think if I'm ever going to do a business venture, that would be like long lasting. That would be it. And also like merch. Like worrying things. I don't have a lot of dreams. And I think my biggest hurdle right now is believing in myself enough to know I can achieve it. And I believe in the things I've already done. Like I can sit down, pull up a camera and do a blog. I can do that. But to pull myself in the CEO, let's have investors come in. All that stuff freaks me out. But I'm all, I'm great and I'm learning and I'm really nervous about it. But I think it's coming up really soon. And I think one thing you said was people in the city who think about their craft. Because I think the internet's created a shift. It picked people who were super expressive and put them in front of people. And I think because that audience came and fell in love with you, the element of like, oh, like this is actually a craft that I have to perfect. Think about all the creators that we actually know. All those creators, like their craft. Well, they also like they learn for it. Like they taught themselves. But that's because I feel like they were like Vine. Right. But if you Vine was like most hard. I actually had to for you to have something that would get a lot of loops. You actually had to think you have to work on your craft. But those people were actors. There were people who like wanted to be an industry. One of my favorite things to remind folks who like watch creators, who want to be in the space like entertainment space, is never forget the secrets to succeed as a creator is making it look easy. Yeah. You have to remember that like making it look easy doesn't necessarily mean it is easy. Like sitting here right now, like talking to you, like I have my iPad so you know I'm reading stuff. But if I didn't have my iPad and I just came on and I was like, oh my gosh you guys, we're going to talk about my first today. And my first time that I can make it a whole thing. Right. And you would think, oh yes, you just put up the stuff. She just sat in a chair. She just did this. But even this getting to here today took us going through a notion, building a notion template. Sitting down talking to Donald about it, planning and strategically thinking about the lighting, the paceman. What kind of like outfit am I wearing? What kind of chair am I going to sit on? What cameras are we using? What angles? Like there is so much more thought that goes into it that yes, the end product does look easy. But there's a lot of work that like sort of like goes behind it. Yeah. And so I definitely want to remind myself of that sometimes. Like it's okay to allow myself still learn because there's so much to learn. And I'm also so young. I'm in that headspace now at 27, where everybody keeps telling you you're growing older, you're growing older, what's next, what's next. Like some of the biggest people I know got like the start of 40, 45, 35, 50, 60 of it, right? It's crazy that we're not twins. We're not. I always have to remind myself that like most people say, oh businesses don't survive two years, three years. Yeah. How am I doing this in 2017? Just don't. I mean like we're out here like grinding and constantly thinking. You see how it gets better. You see the opportunities. You see, okay, as long as I stay focused and I keep going. As long as you stay focused. And I think that's why it's important to me to have these sort of like thoughts and like just speaking it out. One of my biggest things that I struggle with with the podcast is trying to make sure I don't come off as all-knowing. Yeah. Because a lot of content we consume is people looking and telling you this is what you should do. This is how things work. No! Let me tell you this right now. Look at the camera. Which one? This one. Listen. Listen good. Nobody in the world knows what the fuck they're doing. Not one single person in this world knows what they're doing. They're just doing. Like the obituary just attempting to do. The scholars, the folks that you see online giving you all the advice. Elon Musk's eternal trauma to Kamala Harris to Obama to Michelle. Like all the big huge people who are in positions of power who you see and you think, oh my god, how did they get there? I'm telling you right now, they're winging in. They just have the audacity, the courage to do it. They decided to just keep at it. Like no matter what. Because one thing I know for sure, you would only see my success. You forget my failures pretty quickly. Because the moment I'm successful, it's something. Everything else doesn't matter. Right? Because I found that success. Elon Musk had probably a million Teslas before he finally got this one Tesla. And Loki, the Tesla truck is trash. So he's still figuring that out. There were probably several iPhones there. What did they call it? Stereotypes? No. What is it? What is it? What is the word? God damn it, you guys. Prototypes. Prototypes. And for me, that shows that we sometimes forget that people failed to be successful. But they keep at it. So my thing now, especially with like, I don't know, it brings up almost all the time with YouTube is, I'm going to keep at it. Because I'm going to find that recipe, that recipe that works. And when it works, you're going to forget that I ever, ever spoke about how I couldn't figure it out. Because all you've seen is I figured it out. So I hope if you're ever watching my podcast, you remember to allow yourself to try and keep going at it. I don't matter what. Even if it takes 20 years, 30 years, 40 years, you're not a failure. It's not failed. You've never been started yet. Because even if you're trusting. Okay. Just trust me on this and just keep going. Okay. We're moving on to my next first. Don't know how that's a question. There's a lot of compounding. Okay. Tell me. Like, because growth happens exponentially. Yes. And I think just working at it. But the thing that I want to talk about was. In 1989 or 1987. They had, they want, they put like an apple logo on the paper. And they put it into an envelope. And they're like, their goal is one day. They want to sell a laptop for $100,000 that could fit into this envelope. Right. So what did they do? So they created a big box. And they made that first one. And they looked and they made the box half of it. Like, can we make this smaller? Smaller and smaller. And they kept doing it. And I think there's this. There's this way you give yourself like, oh, like five to 10 years. This is where I want to be. Have that clear picture. And then walk down to like the baby step 10% of that. What's like the next thing I need to do? Yeah. I think that's really cool. Because that way you have where you're going. But you don't, you know, stress yourself too much about like that. Yeah. Go and start small. Yeah. Like you, your goal is to be what? The next remote heaven heart. I'm going to keep saying that until it comes true. That's the goal. Okay. Next, my first time on stage. Oh, you know what's funny? Growing up, I was such an attention whore. Like, the fact that I do this for a living right now. Should knock over the surprise to anyone who knew me younger. Because I enjoyed entertaining people. I enjoy making people laugh. Like, don't know that I make you laugh all the time, right? Yes, you know. Yeah, just like. Yeah. Like I. You're right. You're right. I've always been that kid. So if you were in boarding school, I was a part of like the dance team. I was a model. So I work on the Murnway. I was a chorus third. I was, you know, tenor. I wanted to be soprano so back. Because they were all in front. What is your voice? Tenor. Yes, your voice was different. Oh. Yes. Yes, tenor. I didn't say I was great at it. But I wanted to be on stage. So that was the first time on stage. And I feel like I have sort of like grown since then. There have been many opportunities for me to like be on stage for different things. And I've taken it. My dream right now, like when I think about like a stage or what I ever want to do. I think it would be like, send out an arena for like an odd podcast episode. Like I might do a loud podcast episode. Like it might be doing a nice lot at MSG. Burn. Like with like different guests and like fun skits. And like the dream of like the things I want to do. Y'all. Like, oh, just I need the resources. I need the freaking resources. We're going to do that thing ourselves. Yeah. I'm dead ass. Like me and you playing all the characters. No, dead ass. Tell me right now. Yeah. Let's just do this. Okay. Sorry, I was such a tangent. Hopefully we're going to cut this scene. What we finally do. We just say we're going to do feelings into this. Y'all just ignore what we just said. Okay. That was all. It is. No, honestly, I think for people who do podcasts. Yeah. You can tell if you're interested. You can tell that like we're walking our way. We're getting comfortable. Yeah. We're getting comfortable talking. I like that. Because when you're talking, and I'm sure when I'm talking to you, get 10 other things that are popping in my brain. So many times. I find that I have like focus on things. Yes. I want to make sure that you guys are not crispy. Yes. I think that's why I enjoy like the video part of it. Because if you're watching it, you can see our brain communicate back and forth. Yeah. Where you're like, what have they been talking about? And it's like, so we probably was looking at Donald, and they're going to be distracted by something. I came back to the camera. Anyways, that is my sort of like first time on stage. I was in high school when I was like a dancer. First time truly feeling confident. You know what's so funny? It's like I went viral for being the confidence queen. I was at the point. I never said this out loud. But I need to understand that. I went viral because I was wearing a pair of jeans. And I was like, oh my god, you guys. My ass is fat. And these jeans, I look good. And I went viral because people were like, oh, that poor girl. She doesn't have an ass. But she thinks she does. She's so confident. That was what it was. Like this wasn't a like anything else other than, wow. Ruby. You should do. You're so confident. And I'm being the confidence queen. And then I think one of the biggest videos that I am known for is that I'm a bad bitch in my black bids, where I think Jackie Aina posted a video and she talked about being dark skin and having had her pickmentation in certain areas. So she had a bikini on who we were talking about it. And I was like, why do we care? Right? And so I posted a video where I was like, oh my god, yes, you go, girl. But also, here is this lemon water or like, turmeric acid if you need to shake. If you need to get the pigmentation off. And I was like, okay, turmeric warriors, slow down. That's not the point. That's why I'm confident. Well, I don't really even think I was confident. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Well, I don't really even think I was confident. Like, I don't think I ever thought to myself I was confident. I just thought I was like existing. I was also like 2223. So I think when you're so young like that, and I'm talking like I'm this old auntie. But when you're in that time in the world, especially as someone who grew up being so independent, I didn't let another noise affect my decisions on my body. And I also have this thing that I've always kept with me is the only thing I will never let affect me is other people's comments about my body or my appearance because I can't control that. You know what I mean? Like, I wish more women and I think I such wishful thinking because society makes it so hard for young girls to be so audacious in thinking about what they look like. But I also recognize the privilege in the fact that this is the kind of body I was born into. Like, I've never had to have someone tell me oh, you look a certain way, it's not bad. Because if I'm being very honest, I feel like I have this society standard of what a normal body is, what they would call it, would look like, you know what I mean towards any extreme? Yeah, I'm not thin or plus size. I'm pretty much like average in between. But I also see in certain places, when I'm back home in Nigeria, people are like, get some food in her. You're too skinny, you're too thin. And then from America, I was like, oh my god, you're so slender. I wish I had your body. But I always learn to cancel out that noise because this is the only body I was born into. Like, this is all I have, no matter what. Like, unless for some reason my health is compromised in any way, and then I would try to figure out how to help that. But for the most part, I've always had that idea of my body is mine, it's my choice. I'll figure out what I want to do with it. So I say all that because my first time ever feeling really, really confident, I feel like it's now like 27 for me. And that's really confident in my body, but confident in who I am as a person. I feel like they always tell you how your end of your 20s is when you're figuring life out, what you're supposed to start knowing who you are. And I see that now in my choice for friend groups in the way I'm existing now. I would also say financial independence has played a huge factor in my confidence. Like, I am able to truly just exist as I am. And now you realize that's why a lot of rich people are so arrogant. Right. Like, I'm gonna say that I'm rich. I'm gonna say that I'm rich at all. I'm gonna say that I'm rich at all. But like, I see that now because yeah, it's so interesting out. Even like just the idea of being successful at something always supports your confidence, right? And honestly, I've seen that for people who don't even have a lot. Because you don't have a lot. You're not even... You kind of let people's noise affect you. Because you don't even know what you're supposed to have in the first place. Right. You can always respond to things very differently. So for me, I think 27 has been a good age for me to realize myself worth who I am. I'm finally like being able to stand on my two feet. I'm able to say no. I'm able to just choose me more. And I'm so excited because I've heard 30 to 35 is that age where you're able to execute even more. So I'm like, okay, I can't wait to continue to feel this way. I'm still proud of myself because I've come so far. I can't imagine somebody right now telling me something about my appearance about me that would affect me so negatively that I would choose to change it. Because I've lived my life so far in a certain way. Who are you to come project anything on to me? You know what I mean? Right. Okay. Moving on. Oh, we're moving on to like some more personal stuff. First friendship ending. I feel like I have had a ton of... And I think we're going to do a friendship episode at some point. I have had a ton of friendships that have ended. Oh, let's say something. Tell me. I'm the last part. I knew I was waiting for something. You just look like you're trying to say something at home. No, because I agreed with 90% of what you said. Tell me the part about people saying like the end of your 20s when you figure out. I wouldn't say what we're not figuring out. Yeah, I don't know. I just feel like this might be different for people. I feel like growing up there was a foreign relationship between me and my body. Right? Okay. Because the person you want to be is who you're becoming. Okay. And then the factors that exist in your life. It's like the financial and all those things. Yeah. I think like I see your life as you're walking with these three different elements. And you're like doing this check and bounce like every single time. Right? So I feel like when you're 35, you'd have like a different set of challenges that your body has no experience. Because I didn't have a day, right? You're going older. So these experiences have not happened. I don't have a person who I want to become. Okay. What was you said that? I knew. Okay. That's interesting. I know. The moment you said that. That's why I don't even saw my face. I paused and I started thinking about it. Is it become or becoming? I don't have that. Huh. I know. That's interesting. I know. But think about it. Because your goals, right? Of the career and the life that you want in certain areas. We have to talk about career for example. Yeah. That version of that person is. I can't visualize that. But that person is different from this person, right? Okay. 10 years more experience, right? Yeah. Is it able to attack challenges based upon this experience? I know. I'm struggling with my manifestation right now. Because I remember I told you about the same thing when we were talking about the presidential episode. I couldn't visualize a certain thing happening. Right. I have never been like this moment in time right now. With this podcast sitting here, I never visualized it this way. I never visualized myself living in New York. That's interesting. However, if anything pushes me to think about it, I do it. Does that make sense? Like I don't see my, like, I don't know how to explain it. I don't have anything I'm aspiring to. Because maybe, I need to figure out why I'm just literally just being bawling out here right now. Maybe that is because I don't want to fail at it. Could that be why? Could it be because it's a protection thing? Because if you set, if you set the expectation, the blow would be harder. Yes. I don't let myself experience it. And you have to train yourself with that blow. Yes. I think that is my biggest thing. It's like, for example, I imagine we probably don't have a vision of like a family and marriage and all these things. Yeah. Because like, imagine it. Because people when you do that, it's like, I do the same. People ask me like, oh, like, when do you think you're going to get my, my brother? Not giving me the thought at all. I admire people who have those stunts. But then I also understand now why I don't feel as attached to certain outcomes because I don't have expectations. Yeah. Talk to me about this. Give me a second. Let me cut. Let us cook right now. This is such a good episode. Because I never thought about it that way, but that is so true. I don't think I've ever even thought about it that way before. You see the dread. I don't even have an idea of what I want love to look like. I've never had an idea of what I think success should look like because I don't ever want to envision what that is. And think to myself, let's get there. Now, I wonder if maybe that is also a huge part of why I am successful because I'm just doing it as I go. There's no risk involved. There is risk when we're thinking about it as a risk. Right, right. Like running the marathon. I didn't visualize it. In fact, I had anxiety about that point. And I think this is the thing, right? I mean, there are some more people because I feel like I feel like it can work either way. Yeah. But the element of visualizing, because you said the podcast since the day you've told me you wanted to make the podcast. Yes. I've seen it in my head. Yeah, I never saw it. Right. Because this, even the setup was random off the cost. Yes. But like, I do trust myself in knowing that it works. Like, once I think about it, I do it. I say I'm wrong with it. Yeah. The podcast took so long because I kept trying to second guess what I already. Because I've seen you looking for the feeling I'm looking for. Yeah. I wonder what would happen when I start building past that to see. Okay, we're going to move on because I don't want the sun to get all the way through here. So first time friendship and they were going to go back to that now. I've had a lot of friendship and I think I would say the most important or like, no, the most pivotal friendship I think that ended for me was a friend of mine. This was in college. Who looks me in the eye and said she can't be friends with me anymore because she was jealous of me. And that was the first time I'd ever had a friendship end. Not because there was no love or care for each other, but because I wasn't good for that person. Yeah. So when we talk about even visualizing success and everything like that, there's been a lot of times in my life with friendships where I realize that sometimes you're not good for the other person and that's okay. And that entire institution will talk about it more when we own pack a friendship episode when we talk about it. I don't agree. You don't agree? I don't agree, but that's because I believe I'm a fighter and I believe people should be fighters. Oh, yes. Well, not everybody is. And don't fight these suck. And this isn't where they have to go. No. We're talking about that in a different episode, but that's my answer to that. First controversy online. Oh, my freaking god. Let us talk about this episode. No, let us talk about this real quick. I want to see. I'm experiencing this over you guys because I don't know about the Twitter phase. Yeah. Okay. First time I ever got canceled on Twitter. I don't know if I'm biting myself in the ass by bringing this up again, but we're going to talk about it because I don't even want them to remember me. But it's a, it's a year. Okay. It's a time in the world. And your girl is scrolling on Instagram and I see a post by a mutual, right? And that mutual posts something. I don't remember. I didn't remember. I didn't read the caption. I didn't watch the video. I just liked and I commented heart emojis. That was it. And after that, I just sort of like left the video and went on. And then I go on Twitter that day. And I remember the comments were like, look at all your face, commenting under a rate list, our word is comments, encouraging it. And then for some fucking reason, fucking reason. My, the oddity is attached to something called being an art apologist. Now, I'm shaking because if you've watched my first episode of the podcast, or the second episode, I can't remember which one it was where I talk about breaking my silence, I have been art before. And I do not wish that. I don't know why anyone would wish that on anybody. I have experienced such horrible things when it comes to my sex life and stuff like that. I'm literally shaking talking about this. I have not even hit the surface on. And I remember seeing those words and I literally went into panic mode. I'm telling you I had a panic attack. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I threw up. I was in such a bad place. And I remember going through and reading all the comments before. Like I knew she was like that. I knew she was too good to be through. She's always pretending. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. And I remember thinking, I only, they knew. If only they knew how triggering this was for me. Because first of all, there was no substantial basis for that. Nothing they were saying was true. They knew nothing about me. And so I was canceled for, I think, for like two or three days, overbearing our apologists over a comment that posted on Instagram that wasn't the reality. And I remember thinking to myself, cancel culture is so interesting. Because the person who was accused of the R was posting football highlights and content on their page, ignoring everything I was going on. And the black women, honestly, on the person's post, who? Some might have known, some might not have known him, whatever, whatever, where the ones taking the flag for it. So that was my first time getting canceled online. And I still stayed on Twitter for like a year and a half. I would work up every morning in the panic. I would see sometimes when my name was brought up and that was attached to it. I would literally like panic again. I did not sleep. I started therapy so much happened to me. And so I just deleted the app. And my life has been better ever since. So that is it. Okay, let's see. My first big purchase was my car. I got a Jeep Wrangler for the first time in 2022. I think I heard her for a year before like that was end of it. Well, let me say this to every Jeep Wrangler owner in the world. You guys are crazy. Crazy. Let's talk about it. Because that was my dream car for so long. But I don't understand it. It makes no sense to me. Because first of all, what the fuck is a death wobble? A death wobble is crazy. Let me explain this if you're not in here. Listen to me and I was going on. There is something when you own a Jeep where if you go past a certain mileage or like you're speeding, your car starts to wobble. Wobble. I mean, the car is shaking. I am I experience it for the first time. I almost go into a car accident. I take it to the dealership. This man looks me in the eye. The same person that's told me this expensive ass car and said, Oh, yeah, it's the death wobble. The what? What? The what? You saw me a car with something called death in name. And you think I should keep the car? No. I read the first time when I came to DC and I entered your car. You're like, how are you crazy? I'm like, this car. Do you know what sounds like that car? And I know with your history too. You were like, bro, I do not want to be the car. That car. It was terrifying. I love it. I don't have any other dream car. That's my dream car. I should buy the cyber truck. The type no. That's my dream car. And I will never forget finding out that there's something called a death wobble. And I had to really choose whether or not I wanted to live or die. And because of that. So that was my dream car. We sold her because I was moving to New York. And I don't know what other car I would get now. I'm not sure if I'm going to get a car anytime soon. We'll see. Don't have the car. So we could just share his car. First time, my first apartment was my DC apartment. I blog all about it. That was really fun. First time living alone was also in DC. I had a really, really like not terrible. We're a really bad roommate experience. And then I ended up. What? No good. Is it good? Yeah. What? I'm going to get into your process up there. No, this is serious. Oh. Really what experience. So I ended up actually moving by myself. I had a two bedroom, two bath apartment. It was the dream. I loved it. I enjoyed living alone. Living alone. Again, I've been so independent for so long. The living alone was okay for me. So it wasn't really that crazy. And if you follow my vlogs, you know all this. So I'm like, it's pretty chill. My first time trying something out of my comfort zone was definitely most recently when I did my first marathon. And I'm literally launching a whole series next year called the Audity Tries, which is the first time we're going to be saying this year. But we've probably said it already. Either way, first time launching a series called the Audity Tries, where I put myself out of my comfort zone. I think I want to experience life. I wouldn't say I've been sheltered. But I've definitely been very careful about the things I've allowed myself experience and I want to try new things. As simple as learning to try contacts for the first time, because they freak me out. Why the fudge would I be poking my eye for visions? And your first time is always important. The first time is always important. Yeah, your first time is always important. Okay. Let's see. My first time feeling successful was definitely when my mom called me one time and she said she was at the bank and someone said they knew me. And the friend was freaked out. My mom was like, oh my god, like the Audity. She said my moniker online and she meant it and said it was such pride. But that was the first time I was like, oh, I am doing something. And that was like the weirdest thing for me. But I think I've always been grateful for that experience. Because now she like, I won't nearly like, oh, how's the Aud fan, how's the Audity, how am I doing? And it's something that feels like really special. I'm like, I'm so grateful for that. Okay. First, should I keep going? Yeah, I just got distracted by something. Well, like the wind just increased. I'm like, there's something gravity that has to do with the sun. Yeah, coming in. Yeah, cause the water too. Anybody has those physics? Okay, this one. Moving on. First time. Oh, it's mommy up there listening. Oh, now we're getting to like, let's see the nitty-gritty. We kept the best for last, the last five, I think. My first time having sex. I like to say like, consensual. How do you? Huh? Consensual is what I like to say first. My first time, consensual shut up, don't know. Shit. What? What? What? I'm stressed. What are you stressed? What are you just saying? Yeah, no. No, sad. No, it's okay. My first time, consensually, was in 2014 with my partner at the time. Like, he was actually like a boyfriend and like, I chose to do it. I wanted to get it out of way. I wanted to choose the experience for myself. And honestly, it was great. Like, I have always been one of those girls who like, the concept of virginity was very, I want to say foreign to me because I am a Muslim girl. Like, my mom still would probably hear this and just, I know her ears just shut off. Like, she does not want to hear this right now. But I have the wildest take that I really don't believe. And this is taking out religion and morals and whatever else you want to use to argue back with me. I sincerely do not think that women should not be having sex. That come. That makes me excited. I don't think they should not be. I think we do a disservice to women in the world when we, when we police sex and sexual intercourse for allow men to explore. Because we're telling women you have to hold on for this person to make a decision for you around your body. And then we demonize women. I think it should be flipped. It should be. Do you understand me right now? It should be demonized for this. Let me tell you something real quick. A man's dick, bro. Sorry. Like, that is where she's kids come from. It's crazy if it's like always from me. No, no, no, no. If his thing is not in me, I know I get pregnant. Why he got sick if I the issue? Why am I the one getting police right now? He's the one who has to insert into different things. Why is the key not the problem? The luck door should not be the problem. It should be the damn key. Oh my god. Shhh. Woo! Very passionate. I am. Because that's one of the biggest things about sex and relationships and conversations. I think I hear a lot with women. A lot of, and this is such a generalization for sure. Because there is power in waiting. Like, I see the beauty in like even Christian relationships when they say like, the men and the women are like both Russians and they meet together and they discover each other together. Like that I understand. It's a mutual thing. The whole balance of like, oh wait, he can have 50 million bodies where she can now have one. It's crazy to me. Yeah. It's crazy. We'll talk about that when we talk about a full virginity in everything episode. But. Ah. Done. First kiss. First kiss. Honestly, I probably lied to a bunch of boys and girls about what my first kiss was. I'm not going to lie to y'all. I can't remember. It was nothing special. If you were my first kiss and I told you my first kiss, hi. I, again, I wasn't the kind of person who put a lot of power into like those experiences. Like first boyfriend, first girlfriend, first girlfriend and that. Like, I think I wanted to get it over with. I hate when things are made so big. Yeah. Like, I get too traumatized. I just get it over with. So technically, every time you kissed a boy, it was your first time you kissed that boy. Yeah. That comes. The girl. She. Okay. First relationship officially was the same person I lost my virginity too. Yeah. That's pretty much it. Like officially, officially. First heartbreak. I was going to be like, I was going to say my first heartbreak is currently what I'm going through right now. Tell us. Tell us. Well, I also don't know what I'm about to say. I also really for some weird reason still don't. I can't believe the feelings I felt weren't real enough to not be ending now. Does that make sense? Ah. It doesn't make sense. Sorry. Sorry. But I mean, what's in the comments? If you understand what she's saying. Okay. First heartbreak was in high school. I had the crush on my, it was actually my boy best friend. Oh my god. I will call him tea. Your tea showed me paper. I'm telling you. He showed me so much. Remember? I was just shiggy. I'm telling like, we were best friends the entirety of high school. I found out I had feelings for him. And every time because I knew he liked me too. But I also knew that he would always date other people and tell me he would rather choose our friendship over a relationship with me. And that was the entirety of high school. So I was always in the corner writing letters, liking other people, but having him in the back of my mind that someday he was going to choose me. Never did. And now as I think about that, that feels very similar to what I'm doing right now. And I think about it. I have not allowed myself care for someone that freely. Because he was the friend who I told everything to. Like, on a shamelessly like, he knew everything about me. Like, we would talk for hours about the most random thing, family, life, all that stuff. And like, a situation was happening recently where it was the same thing. Like, they know me as me. Like, I didn't have anything. And that same situation is happening now. Or it was like, no, I'll rather not. Well, in between him and this particular situation now, there's been a lot of shit that I've done. So I'm like, karma is a fucking bitch to me right now. Karma is such a bitch. Karma is such a bitch. And that's okay. That's all we're going to say about that. First time being ghosted, I've never been ghosted. I don't think I've ever been ghosted. Because I feel like you wouldn't ever want to let me out of your life if you're with me. Last thing. Stand on me. And my first love is my mom. This one? Shut up. Last first is my... Wow. This came to a very cool end. No, no, no, no. Actually, let me slow down. I'm rushing because if you all don't know, we shoot the podcast on my balcony and the sun is coming out. So I'm trying to be very careful of lighting. At the same time, if you're listening to this and I want you to have the same experience, so I don't want to rush this ending. My first love. I can argue that I have been in love once. In love once. I have loved a lot of times. But fully in love for the first time in my life, I said to myself, this is the person I am going to marry and like my entire... Everyone around me could tell how serious I was. It was very, very recent for me. And... I don't want to say that's my first love though, because I feel like I don't want to negate all the experiences I've ever felt other people. But... Why not? Huh? Why not? Because I feel like I don't want to. I feel like they've all sort of like made me who I am at this point. Like one of the most special people in my life, like we've had love for each other, you know what I mean? And... I enjoy... I'm the person. This is sort of like a weird ending isn't it? I enjoy falling in love. Or I enjoy loving people. Like I am the girl who is honest about her feelings. Who? I said I said I'm fine. I don't think the folks can thrive this time. No, you would be surprised. Sorry to interrupt you all. Um... I love love. I love the risk of love. If you ever think about like not taking risks, I'm the girl who like... I can meet you in three days and be like, I love you. Like I am that girl. I wear my heart on my sleeve. However, there will be people who will tell you that's not true. And I can be very cagey and have my walls up too. But if I am simply existing as me, I do fall in love a lot. So or if I like to love a lot. Why was the question? The first love. I think what you're saying makes sense, right? Yeah. Do you believe in soulmates? I do. Okay. I don't believe in one soulmate. Yes. I think... Like this is... I don't know if I'm going to cut this off. But I like to tell them that I feel like me and him are soulmates. Like I believe in like a nianian yang with people. I think people come into your life and you can understand how they will be there for a really long time. Because you were meant to me. You know what I mean? You were meant to be in sync. Like you're just so in sync that it works well. Like I said soul ties. Like soul ties. That's the word for it. So I feel like... Honestly, the only other person who I would say is like my soul ties Mr. Sophie. And if you listen to this Mr. Sophie is someone in my past that. I think was the closest thing to like person I put online in a very very very very like interesting way. And that's the person who like is literally my best friend. Like I would... I can tell Mr. Sophie anything and like we always have my back. Like no matter what. And I don't take that love for granted. I don't take that love for anything other than like just what we are. And what we were. So I think maybe I would say Mr. Sophie is my first love then. Like in that way, in that way of like... With no matter what's ever happened with us, that is a part of my... That person has a part of my soul. None is really like it's half or half or whatever. But like that person has a part of me that they would always have no matter what. And first I'm in love though. It's very very recent. And it's terrifying how I feel about the situation. Like I don't know what to do. Do you think the order will get? Yeah. You're going to be a little less accepting of that love. Because I've never accepted love for this. Okay. I think now is when I am accepting. So I was never open to falling in love in that way. It's weird I say that now because I feel like there are people who would listen to this who have been with me in the past. Who probably would think, oh, I'm a liar in the BITCH. Because I definitely communicated otherwise. But I unfortunately think back to those relationships and realize I tend to tell people things. I'm so toxic. I tend to tell people things I felt in the moment without thinking through them to a piece of the situation. And I think now, because I am so sure of myself now, I am allowing myself to be open to different experiences. Or at least to recognize where I am in my life and my love life to be able to do things differently. If that makes any sense whatsoever. I think trying to make that to make sense is. I also think because I don't necessarily want to talk about my relationship status online or talk about affection or love in that way. It's hard for me to also make this make sense. I hope to God at some point in the future. I'm able to properly talk to you guys about a love that I want. Oh, say this. The love I felt very recently felt like the kind of love that would destroy me. And that made me very excited because I never felt like I'd given anyone else that power ever to break my heart. And I think they're currently breaking my heart now. I'm not sure what's happening. And I'm curious to see how I navigated. Or if I let it happen anyways. I feel devastated about something in that way. I don't know how I feel. I don't know. I'm curious. I like it. Life is fun. You survived. But it's just it's scary because the thought that you could have a situation like that end. Yeah. And then two weeks later step out of your house and ambushed by a different level of that. That's not scary. Yeah. Because then like when people have conversations and they're like, oh, this is your first and it's like, how do you compute and be like, oh, yes. Yeah. Very hard. So interesting. I don't know you guys. We're gosh. I can't wait to talk about. I'll tell you. But right now I'll say. I will say this random before we end the podcast. My ability to guard my heart is also like the hardest things for me. And I recognize that. Like, I think it's not the best thing that I can feel heartbreak and I can also be like, oh, baby, okay. You know, I mean, I, I want to get to a point where I love myself, feel these emotions. Or I don't close it off. So I'm trying to experience this differently. That's what I would say. And we're going to just end the podcast there because we're trying to try to like make it make sense without not saying a lot. So this is your first heartbreak. Technically. Technically. Technically. All right, guys. Thank you so much for listening to a mind too lot. I hope you learned a lot more about me in this episode. You guys seem to like the episodes where I just yapping talk. The lighting is crazy right now because the sun is out. If you could see this, I'm probably overexposed. If you're listening on Spotify. Let me not do. Hi. Okay. Well, I love you guys so much. I will see you in the next episode. Was I too loud? Absolutely. Bye, guys.