NEW YEAR, F*CK ME

I hate being the product. I hate being the product because the product has no off days. The product doesn't get to wake up and be like, I don't feel good today. I'm going back to bed. The product doesn't get to be weird in private. The product can't have a normal mental breakdown with someone trying to turn it into a cry for attention or commentary online. And before you're like Sophie, but you chose this, I know. I chose this. I built this. I love this. I am grateful. But some days, I want to throw my freaking phone away and simply exist. Because lately, I've been feeling like I'm not just creating. I'm not even me anymore. Welcome to a My Too Loud The Podcast. Hey guys, welcome back to a My Too Loud The Podcast with Sophie, aka the mother freaking oddity. I have chills. I have chills saying those words because I have taking such an unnecessary long break from the podcast. So much has happened in my life. I don't know where to begin. I don't know where to begin except pod fam. I missed you so much. If you're watching online, if you're watching on YouTube, hi guys, hi YouTube pod fam, I love you all very much. I am currently in my friend's studio space so ignore all the chaos in the background. I wasn't going to get a studio for this episode because I wanted to come so correct. But I swear to you, if I get a studio space, I would not release this episode. I have, I just, I got tired of trying to be perfect with the podcast because I am known to not be perfect. I am legit constantly talking about my beautiful imperfections. And there's just something about the podcast and what you see podcasting has become nowadays that is just very overly produced. And I just always want a My Too Loud to feel very produced. And for some reason, that's what's been in my head this entire time is. I need to get to your space. I need to get to your space. And I just kept postponing starting the pod or releasing this first episode. But the crazy thing about it is, first of all, I don't even have a home. So why am I, why am I trying to find studio space when this is going to be a traveling podcast anyway? I mean, we're constantly going to be on the road. We're going to be moving. So there is no reason. There is no, what was the reason, Sophie? I don't know. I know. Don't yell at me. But hi guys, it has been forever. Talk to me. Have you been? I feel like first of all, let me just call you guys out real quick. No one ever sends me voicemails. There's literally on the website at MyTooLaw.com. There's a whole area where you can send me voice notes about your dilemmas, about advice you need, just to say hi to me, even. You guys never send me anything. And I just don't feel like it's fair because I come on here and I do all this yapping and you don't care enough to send me voice notes, which breaks my freaking heart. So this year in 2026, I want you guys to send me more voice notes. Please, pretty please, with ice cream on top and lemons and honey and all the good things. Thank you very much. Okay, first of all, I don't know what you guys want me to start from, but this one is going to be a proper catch up new year edition where I'm just going to be like, oh my god, when I tell you your girl has hit, I wouldn't say rock bottom because I think rock bottom. I don't know why I'm saying it like that. I feel like rock bottom might seem excessive, but it kind of feels like that. So we're going to do a little bit of like a live debrief. Also, the little thing that I read at the beginning of the episode is a part of a write up I did from my substack family. I joined substacks some time like two weeks ago and I've just loved writing again. If you don't know, I used to actually have a blog when I was in my undergrad in Louisiana and I used to write such sad, sad shit. And I don't know, I'm a sad writer. Like I don't know if that's a weird thing to say, but whenever I journal, whenever, oh my days, guys, I'm having an epiphany because honestly, even when I journal to, I do oftentimes journal very negative. And even when I've started speaking to myself lately, I've been very negative. I used to be such a positive person. I wonder what changed. You know what? I think what changed. I think what changed is I realized bad people won't win too. Oh God. Oh, I missed y'all because you guys just know that I would just go on different tangents. But I got there was maybe that's what it is. You know, I got I got into this epiphany one time recently where it was just like I used to feel so much anger around the fact that bad people won too. And it used to affect me so much because I'm not going to say, oh, I'm a really good person. I'm the best person in the world. It's not necessarily that. But I do know that there's so many times where someone has either done me dirty or I know someone just has not the best character, but they're doing so well for themselves. And I'm always just like, how are they successful? Like how is it that the universe rewards not so good? And then I also think to myself, hmm, most of the really successful people in the world are not good. Like we talk about the Epstein files and you can talk about the current presidents around the world, even the richest people in the world. Nobody who's a good person is successful. And I say that with like a leeway of maybe some people can be, but there's a certain level of you just got to push through for you to get through success that a lot of people have that, I don't know, I don't know if you guys are getting the point. And I don't even know where that tangent started from. But anyways, I think I've been, I've become a bit negative. But on my sub stack, I think most of my write-ups are from the heart. Like the things I think about when I'm about to sleep at night, when my brain is like going overdrive, just the little things that have been happening to me that I really wanted to share. I'm starting sharing that on sub stack and I've really, really enjoyed it. So if you don't know, go check out my sub stack. It's linked somewhere in the description of this podcast somewhere on the description of YouTube if you're watching on YouTube. So yeah, and also let me know guys, if you're watching this, if you guys mind a really produced podcast, or you guys want to listen, because if you guys just want a podcast that you can listen to, baby, I can do that because I don't need to edit things twice. I can easily just blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yep away. And then upload this shit to Spotify and everything else. I have radio, whatever. And your girl will be set. Okay. So that's that. All right. Let us catch the fudge up. How have I been? Where have I been? How is my mental state? What's going on with me? Am I too loud if I say that but life is really fucking me in the ass. Like life is fucking me in the ass. I am getting fucked 20 times over in my asshole. I mean, and it's not even like putting the lube in and three fingers in like it's not doing the thing where like it's, you know, it romances the asshole a bit, opens it up and then starts fucking me. I mean, it's literally just like boom, boom, open your legs thrust. Like that is what it has felt for the past four or five months. And there are so many layers to this that I want to talk about. And I get so nervous speaking about it. But for some reason, my podcast is really my safe space. Am I too loud if I say being yourself is the hardest thing you can be right now? Like truly, truly finding out the things that make you happy, the things that keep you sane, truly knowing who you are outside of social media, outside of what people say you should be. That to me is the hardest thing to fight. And I'll tell you why. So last year, I'm going to give you guys a backstory if you know, you know. But really long story short, I'm currently like traveling, but I'm based on a new york, but I'm doing a lot of travel now before I hit 30 and I turn 30 June 25, 2027. It's going to be a party. But I'm currently traveling, right? And a lot of before that, let's go to maybe everything started like June last year, where I just started feeling and I felt this for a while. I've been lost for a really long time. And I envy a lot of people my age, I'm 28 right now, who, who know who they are. And I think it's hard again for me because I don't know about you guys, but people as a people pleaser, I think it's even harder to find yourself as a people pleaser, because you tend to take from different people to become a version of a person that you think people want you to be if that makes sense. And I think for me, that was a lot of things that I was struggling with, especially living in New York. I live in America by myself. And so a lot of times, I don't have any family and building community from scratch. So I struggle a lot with community, but also with being me. Like I still, for the fact that I have a podcast called Amai Too Loud, I still struggle with being too much or being considered too much. And that always oftentimes affects friends, affects relationships, affects life in general, like me yapping away just affects a lot of things in my life. And I think last year it sort of came into a head when I just realized that I enjoyed living in New York, but I just didn't like how I was and what my mental state was. And so I decided, you know what, I can travel now. Let's travel. And through travel, I had such a good time. But one thing that I think happened to me, I don't know if you guys know this about being a creator, being a creator in Nigeria in America, but hopefully actually can talk about this more. But a lot of times when as a creator, when, how do I say this? So I pass the message that I'm trying to pass across. So here's the thing. One of the biggest issues that I had was the fact that I have to be in New York or in America, in a hub in America to make money. That's the best way to explain it. And so for me, I hated the fact that I had to chase, I had to keep chasing the bag. I just had to keep doing the same thing over and over going to brand events, going to meetings, going to all these things. And it felt like I actually wasn't chasing my passions. And I really, really enjoy new experiences. Like the goal in life is constantly having new experiences. And I just wasn't doing that while I was in New York. So I was like, you know what, budget less travel. And when I tell you traveling, both fucked me over as well as also made me into the person I am today. I do not think that I would be the person I am right now speaking to you guys. If I hadn't traveled, if I hadn't been confronted with a lot of demons, but one of the biggest things I know for sure right now is I am in a much better space than I was in last year. And one of the biggest things that I now know as helped me be the person I am is just the strength and the time I've been spending just listening to my own voice. And I took, I took like a month and a half offline, like truly offline off my phone. And it was the best decision I ever made. I have had such, I missed it so much. I missed not being present, not being offline. But oh my god, I was going to tell you guys this. I think when I first started content, I used to watch creators who were a bit older than me go to a point where I was like, oh, why are they not fun anymore? And I find myself in that space now. And I think it's because you do get to a point where you've kind of sort of mostly done everything. Like you've done the exciting big things. There's a lot of things I want to do, but it gets to a point in the creator economy, creator space where you get to a point where it's the same thing you're doing over and over and over again. And you just feel maybe out of the loop, you feel like there's nothing left. So you feel like you're losing yourself or you feel like you're doing too much. And I got to the point where everything just felt like a performance and it felt like I was slowly losing myself. And I had to just take a step back. And I said, Sophie, you're the mother freaking Audity. You're the mother freaking Audity baby girl. You cannot, you cannot lose yourself to this business. And so I feel like I am currently in that space now. And I'm not fully there yet, but I'm putting things in place that make me feel like I'm finding my voice again. And I think coming back on the podcast and just yapping to you guys is and is a part of that process. And I never want you guys to think I am, I have my life together. That's the one thing I don't want you to ever think that. But I want you to know that I am definitely always going to champion progress over perfection anytime. So if you're here with me, we're going to over share. We're going to have community. We're going to go through shit. And we're going to go through shit over and over and over and over again. Like that is, that is this community here. The people and guests that I want to interview in this podcast, the people who are going to be real with you. They're going to be honest with you. I don't want no fluff. I just want people who are going to share and truly over share with my community about the shit that's really going on with them. And that's where I come in. So first of all, let's start with that. Second of all, let's talk about like everything that's been going on really. Let's catch up. Am I too loud? If I say, Dead Sea December is so overrated. So I know I'm two months late. So I'm going to waste time about this yapping about it. But I spent my December in Ghana. I was actually supposed to spend it in Nigeria, Ghana, in South Africa. My South Africa trip ended up not going through. And then my Nigeria trip, I spent like five days in Nigeria before I went to Ghana. If you don't know and you're just new and you're listening, Ghana, Nigeria, Sierra Leone, Cameroon, African countries are mostly where a lot of folks go to for Christmas. We enjoy Christmas back home. It's like a yearly pilgrimage at this point of folks who look like me who just want to have a good time. So I spent a lot of my time in Ghana, especially. And it was just last year I did a bunch of episodes about like Nigeria versus Ghana or just like talking about my real authentic thoughts on life as a Nigerian especially coming back and visiting. And I don't think I want to say too much. I'm just going to try somewhere in the description maybe on the screen. So you guys can go listen to my thoughts about it because nothing has changed. And Ghana though was one of the best times that I've ever had. I said, this really, really nice hotel ESP hotel in Ghana in Laboni. If you're ever in Ghana, this is not sponsored at all. They do not pay me. One of my best experiences. I mean, the staff was amazing. Food was great. I want to anything they will cook at fresh for me. They have this drink actually named after me called Sophie. I think it was the called Audity in my shortyx. And they spelled it right. Okay. So I had a fun time there. And I just, I don't know. It was a lot of my nights were blurring out together. I will say I will say I had a bit of a romantic flanger something in Ghana that was fun. Okay. Okay. Okay. Guys. Okay. Let me tell you. Okay. Let me tell you because the thing about of it, like, I just, I love an international fling. Like, I don't know about you. But the flings that are just like, we have limited time. And we just, we just need this to happen now that it's never going to happen again. That kind of fling. I enjoy. Okay. And I feel like, first of all, if you know you know this, I'm just going to say this that, no, I'm not going to say it. I just, I'm not going to say, you know what? I'm going to keep this in. I'm not going to say just know that people have such a warped idea about a lot of my friendships since I sort of came out because people are so curious about what's happening with my coach. I know this is going to switch such a left field. But what was I going to say? But yeah. So people are so curious about that. And I don't understand why people can just leave me alone and let me just be friends with my people. Like, people, you can go through heartbreaking and go through drama. I'm still be with friends. Like, I'm tired, grandpa, because at this point, they'll be rumors that I'm effing my friends shy at this point, which I would, hey, baby. Anyways, the point is I had a fling in Ghana and that was lit. It was a fun time because, okay, here's the thing. I am so used to being like the person who always shoots her shot. In fact, I really don't think I've ever been in a real relationship with anyone that they came to me. Like, usually I'm the one who's like, oh, I think you're cute. Or like, actually, the guy that I kissed in 2024, I think she reached out and she was like, oh, do you want to lips? So maybe not actually. Let me know. I need to stop talking in such hyperbole. But yeah, it was so fun. I think just being able to have a fling because I was so dead set on like nothing new. Last year, I was so dead set on that. And it was good way to sort of end the year. And in my 2025 was just like, let's do a little flingy flingy moment. So I did that. And it was fun. And it was just, it was really cool. And she, I don't know what else to tell you. I don't know. It was just a fun time. Anyways, that happened. What else? And this is somebody who you guys do not know. I beg, I beg, I'm, please, I beg, I beg, I beg, I beg, okay. I'm telling you right now, this person I'm talking about is not someone you know because I know the blogs about to start yapping away and the people are going to say, please, if you guys don't know what I'm talking about and worry about it. But I'm telling you, when your first people in high places, drama happens all the time. That's what I know of you guys know. It's just like, it's just an older woman. It was so great. Oh, can we talk about the fact that like, I've been in this era of liking older people. And I think I get it for my mom because my dad was like 13, 14 years older than my mom. And I've been in like my, I think if I'm going to like be with someone, they need to be like five to nine years older than me. And now it's actually like, it's getting up there. I don't know why, but I've been enjoying that like a little age gap moment because I want to be taken care of. I'm diverting. Let me go back today to December. So that was fun. And then also, I also worked with Afro Future, which is a big festival in Ghana. I owe my days. Can we talk about it? Because I want to try to put a clip here. If you're listening on audio, I'm playing a clip where I just played a clip of me and Ashakir. Ashakir. Ashakir. In Ghana, he was staying at the hotel that I was staying at. So that hotel is like, what the big ghost say? Someone on Snapchat told me they were like, oh, so feel like you can tell us how like you look. You don't be spending money because I don't be doing like going on luxury vacation holes. I don't be doing that. I don't just spend my money like that. If I want to spend my money, it's quiet, baby. It's quiet money. So this hotel is exactly that. And Rema stayed at this hotel. Ashakir stayed at this hotel. Pato Ranking said this hotel. It was a very, even I was star, I stayed at the fucking hotel. So it wasn't really nice hotel, right? And mind you, I'm like getting lunch that day. I'm just chilling, lounging, whatever. And this is after Afro Future, which is the concert, which I just you guys please, you follow up, catch up guys. But it was after the concert and he likes is at the pool and I'm eating. And so I'm just me, my friend. I just like, you know what? We should go into the pool and have fun. He's like working out and everything. Mind you, man is sexy. And he's bald like me. And when I tell you the best conversation because I had actually met Ashakir, I Afro Future Detroit. And I did not meet him like me. He was performing and he noticed my head probably. And he was just like, I was vibing out. He was like, Oh, I love you. Energy. I was like, Hey, tell me more. She. So he was like, Oh, I remember you. And this particular time when he was performing at Afro Future, he threw his glasses to me and some girl like caught it with her titty is the whole thing. It was the whole thing. The point is I didn't get the glasses. So he's like, Oh my god, I saw you. I know you, I gave you my glasses. You're a good energy. How are you? So we start yapping. And then we were just joking about how like his head is shiny. And he's like, he's just enjoying himself. And I was just like, wow, if I have made it, there will be signs. And that was one sign for me. That was like, I'm at the right place. And I was at the right place at the right time. And I just re-enjoyed it. So random side side bar. I also went to Mr. EZ's concert. Mr. EZ is also like an African entrepreneur. He's fantastic. He's married. It's 10 mil to the law who's beautiful. So beautiful. So gorgeous. I love their relationship. He threw a debty rave. So if you're in a car ever, like just letting you know, like if you want to do an itinerary for this is I'm going to crop. I'm thinking the waterfall where they like rub your back. If you want, if you watch the I show speed strain, the waterfall is definitely the thing. The Shea Botan Museum. You can go to the Cape Coast for like the sad slave story. They always do. I don't like going to those things. I'm sorry. This might be a hot take, a loud take. But like, guys, I don't need to know that my hands are so stuffy. I'm still as a result of their suffering. I don't want to hear it. It's good for the information. But let the white people go there and figure out the gold. What's the shit they've done? But Cape Coast, if you want to do it, go to a brewery, national gardens. Spend some time in a crab, go to polo beach club. Sandbox from back for sure. I'm AfroFuture. I'm debty rave is an essential for some reason. For some reason, a lot of people don't go to debty rave. I mean, a lot of people from the diaspora, I don't think. I think it's a very like local, heavy event that Mr. EZ puts on, which I really, really like. But it's one of my best times in a crop every time. I would literally always fly to a crab just for debty rave because it was such a good time. And I love a good rave. But yeah, we did that. I'm looking at my iPad to see what else I missed right here. But yeah, AfroFuture was lit. And then you got also, at some point, got sick. So I got sick. I got bronchitis. And let me tell you how I got bronchitis because I'm not smart. I've heard you got the story before. Let me tell you this story. So in 2021, I would say add an extra. My mom is, mommy, don't listen to this. I don't think she'll listen to this this far in. But add an ex who, this was a thing during COVID, right? 2020. This is how I spent my days. I would wake up at my ex's place and we'll just chill. And while we're chillin, we would make some cocktails. That's when I started drinking. I never used to drink like never used to drink. But COVID, I started drinking drunk some red wine. I love the pothic red to kill. That was my go-to-cacimigos repassado. And I would make like fun cocktails. And then we would smoke hookah and we would mix them together and we would smoke them. And we would do that every night to fall asleep and to FUCK. That was our thing. And we did that for like two years back to back. Now here's the thing. Why bring that up is because there was one particular night. Do you guys know this scar on the my chin? That was as a result of that. There was one time that I smoked and drunk so much that I fell down past the fudge out and did not know how to split my freaking chin. It has to be rushed to the hospital and had stitches. It's actually going away because it was a, it formed as a key but now it's better. Anyways, I still have to say because of that every year, two years around November, December, I get bronchitis. If I'm in a place that is so much smoke or I take a blunt or I smoke some hookah, I get bronchitis. Like it's like a thing. I get a strep throat infection. My throat is just irritated at me and she's mad. Now bronchitis is viral infection. So I think I went out when I was in Nigeria before I came back to Ghana or I go down the flight. I don't know. All I know is I go back to the car and I was sick and I mean like sick out of my mind sick. It was so bad. I've never felt so down bad before and this bronchitis hit differently. I just think and being sick in a foreign country is so terrifying. Guys, it was exhausting but figured it out. It was great. So I did that and then I felt better thankfully and then I partied my freaking life away, which is fun. So girls, guys, gays, queers, everyone in between. Don't smoke, don't drink. Just if you need a drink, drink some freaking, I don't know. Drink some bloom. It's not sponsored by the way. Anyways, um, yeah. So my body definitely humbled me that was sad, but picked myself right back up and I was there. Let me see what else I'm missing about my day to December recap. I don't know. You guys asked any questions and I'll try to answer, but it was a typical day to December. I don't think a lot people I don't I think because I was offline, I really wasn't outside the way I typically would be while I'm in a car living my best life right. I get this alert from my friends that send me screenshots of text messages that someone in America, if you know, you know, has set up this rule about folks coming back in from Nigeria and Ghana. They've been put on the travel ban list. I had my heart in my freaking stomach. So I had forgotten that your girl can't still be living outside the way she's living. So your girl had to roll on back to America and all my plans for like the rest of my travel just sort of shifted because I wanted to make sure I was good. Came back in nothing crazy. And here's my issue with immigration being such a fear mongering space. Let's talk about that real quick. Am I too loud if I say that especially as I don't know because I don't want to sound so uppity, but if you don't have any issues with your paperwork, you should be okay. Please don't take this as advice to like go forth and conquer. But I get this a lot because it's public knowledge that I have a green card. And I am so grateful that I am able to even have that. And if at any point I lose that for whatever got reason, God forbid. And I have to leave this country. I'm grateful that I have such a great system support system home in the broad. So I'm safe and I'm okay. But I know a lot of people who are terrified to travel. And someone like me too who's spent her entire life telling you, I want to travel. I sometimes forget that like I am in that in between where I can travel, but it's a bit risky and terrifying. And I'm still just doing it anyways. Do I fucking afraid? Guys, literally my mortal in life. But I came back and like the immigration officer at the desk was just like, oh my god. Hey, why are you coughing girl? Make sure you stay safe. Stamped one away. That was it. No questions asked. Not anything crazy. That was it. So I've had a lot of people actually asking me especially in my DMs like how I'm traveling. If I'm doing okay, if I'm not scared. And I really am honestly, but I'm also like proud of myself enough to where like I make sure I have everything like all my documents are in and are set before I do any of my traveling. And that's what you should do. Like if you have any arrests, if you have a record, if you owe the government money, if you have any of those things, you should not be going back and forth. But if you're a set and you're good and your paperwork is good, you should be fine. Just letting you guys know some random random prototype on travel here. But yeah, so I'm back here. And honestly, some things I've guys is just a life update video, by the way. We're going to go back to like regular scheduled podcast content soon. But what else do I want to tell you guys? I think we're okay with regards to like my content and my headspace. That little excerpt that I read for you guys for my sub stack. Let's talk about me and my recent struggles with content. So when I came back, I currently have no place to live, by the way, I am technically homeless. And yes, I could get a home tomorrow, but I don't know if I want to. And guys, maybe it's me being rebellious right now. Maybe it's me just feeling like I don't want to be I want to I just I don't know what it is with me and getting an apartment right now. I just do know what to do it. And I'm currently squatting and sleeping on my friends' couches and just going from place to place. And it is the most frustrating thing for me. Like I am fully in discomfort. Like I don't like this at all, but I also do. I don't know how to explain it to you. So I got back to America, visited family for a band, Canada, and I'm back in America now. Right now, I'm in Philadelphia with my friends. And we're running work of trying to record a few series for some content. So we're living together and doing that, which is fun. And then I'm like going to New York back and forth to get some work meetings done. But right now, like I'm sort of trying a plan for my life. And I don't know where to start transparently. Like I don't you know how like you watch all these like YouTubers and TikTokers and everybody has your life together. How the fuck do you guys have your life together? Like how? How do you guys know what to do? Like what am I supposed to do tomorrow? Like as a human right now, I am 28 and I have the world at my feet. The amount of routes I can go is so terrifying for me that I might too loud if I say that I am sometimes so crippled by the anxiety of what comes next that I don't do anything at all. So I'm in that limbo of like what do I want to do? Where do I want to go? How am I feeling? And it's been both nerve racking as well as like frustrating, right? And so I'm figuring it out. I'm navigating it. It's hard, but it's hard work, but I'm getting I'm getting there. So right now I'm currently at my friends. And this is probably going to be our setup for a while if we're doing solo episodes. If I'm on the road, I'm still going to try to record on the road and do episodes for you guys and react to pop culture stuff. And then just yap away with any other thing you guys want to hear. But right now, nothing is really going to change with my content, especially with my podcast content. What's going to do the same thing? My vlogs are still going to be travel content. My content online I can tell is very different now because I don't know what to do. Like I feel like I'm not loud enough anymore. Like I feel like I've been I'm I remember this. My fear of looking stupid is holding me back. My fear of looking stupid has been holding me back. And I've noticed that with a lot of the things that I've been doing lately, it just feels like I can't show up as my real self. And there's a lot that I'm not saying about why I can't honestly, let me say it. Okay, guys, here's the thing. I am too Nigerian for the Americans and I'm too American for the Nigerians. So I'm stuck in this middle. It fucks with my head a lot because I am truly just being myself. And if you are any creator who's an immigrant, you know the struggle. I think I've said this before in the podcast that the creators that maybe don't struggle as much with this are Asian creators because they have a solid market on both ends. But I've literally been told that Nigeria is a no market. Like it's a no value market, meaning if I have a Nigerian audience. So for example, if my Instagram is majority Nigerian. So I have like a 35% Nigerian following 29% American 40% UK blah, blah, blah. American brands are going to be like, we want you to be 50%. And so because of that, you're not going to get any engagement, you're not going to get anything. You algorithm is different. So I've been struggling with that a lot with my content. And I think that's why I've not been posting. Like I get so crazy because of my vlog channel the other day. Someone was like, oh, Sophie, you're becoming to American now you're doing all these American things. I'm like, no, I'm literally just being myself. And even then maybe myself is still not putting me in the space that I want to be. And it is so flipping frustrating. So that's such a rant. And I was just going to, I brought that up because I'm looking at my notes and I want to talk to you guys about my channel updates and my directions this year. Because it really has been the one thing holding me back. Because I don't know, I don't know who I am anymore. I've been going through this identity crisis for about two, three years now. And I'm still in that mix. I am so struggling. But you guys can be there with me. Like we're going to figure this out together. I think my vlog channel if anything would be the one channel where I would figure it out. Because even as I talk, I'm like, oh, you guys it's so obvious that I'm all over the place. But one of my never like not all over the place. Tell me about it. Anyway, so that's what's happening now. We're so good on the vlog channel. I love my vlogs. It's been fun. I'm going to still upload every Wednesday. You guys will get these episodes at 430 Eastern, I think. I might do that earlier now. And then we're just going to be having these episodes go live. And I really want guests suggestions. If you guys have anyone you want me to interview or have us a guest on the show, let me know. I'm also working on collaboration posts with other podcasts as well. That I am excited for. And what else? I think for me, let me do a little like a new year. Fuck me checklist. So three things I'm leaving in 2025 because we got to go to something like just because I want this so much to you. I want to tell you guys, oh, I'm going to give you my opinion on some things I want to leave in 2025 is my overgiving. Essentially, I just I give too much of myself of money of my time or attention to the wrong people. That's going to change. And it has already changed. Like I am so selective now of the people I have in my life, the people I entertain just saying. So I want to leave that in 2025. I also want to leave procrastination in 2025. And that is so hard because procrastination feels like a thing that's in me like I struggle with that so much. But I'm trying to not struggle with it anymore. Guys, help me. And I'm trying to leave my lack of discipline. Those three things in 2025. I don't know how, but I know I want to be a better person and that starts now. And three things I'm dragging into 2026, even if they're chaotic, more travel is here. More love, honestly, more love and more like adventure with love, I think. I'm really excited for that. I told you guys the one thing I feel like I wanted to add to my life was like romance, I love. And I think this year is my year of actually saying that. I'm meaning it. Like I just want to have fun. You know, I mean, I'm in that era. And then the last thing is money. I'm dragging more money into 2025 because I made a lot of money in 2025. I want to make more money in 26. And that's on period. You know, what would I say? That's on period, Sophie. All right. Let's go down and yap about everything that I'm currently watching. So I want to talk about because I feel like we have a lot to talk about. First of all, Christie Sarah's breakup. Did you guys see that? Desmond cheated. If you don't want to talk about this couple Christie Sarah and Desmond cheated. Well, apparently the story is Desmond cheated on Christie. Oh, India and Tammy too. Okay. Let's start with Desmond and Christie. When I saw that, my first thought was wow. And I even say, I now said, wow, even more because I went to the comments. And for a woman who's who's been told so many times that she's too much, those comments were so heartbreaking to me because all I saw were other women saying, oh, she probably annoyed him enough for him to cheat on her. She probably is so annoying. I could tell from her videos. He stopped smiling. He stopped getting entertained. You're telling me that the five to her videos are maybe 30 to 50 seconds. The 30 to 50 second videos of her wearing funny ass shoes and funny ass outfits to entertain her man in their house was the reason that man decided enough is enough. I want to cheat on you and leave you and they've been together since they were 14. Now I never talk about people's relationships, but this is a public relationship. So I guess I'm talking about it. But for me, that doesn't make any sense. Like for the people who are defending that behavior, it doesn't make any sense to me. Because first of all, why? Why? How? Because you're not just not cheat. And I say that someone who's cheated before guys. I know. And I just don't like his behavior. I just don't I don't know. And the fuck like he now has a whole page on Instagram. And this man is doing the things that he's doing. Oh, I don't know. It pisses me off. And then on the flip side, we have India cheating on Dami, which I have been seeing videos of Dami after. And it seems like they were on a break. And I know it sounds like I'm defending the woman because in India's case, I'm like, maybe they were on a break. I know. I know I spoke women's rights and wrongs. So in this time, I just don't understand. Like for me, the fact that she was she was in public at a restaurant as a public figure making out is crazy to me. I know how to keep a secret. If I wanted to keep a secret, I am not making out with the secrets in public in a public restaurant in London, United Kingdom as a baddie and a big deal. Someone is going to take a video. And she looks like she was actually in her feelings too. So I'm like, girl, there's no way that wasn't like after they were not together. I think maybe it was just the embarrassment of her doing it so publicly. Maybe, but she said she also made a mistake in her statement, which by the way, it was crazy. But I don't know. I wasn't sure about that. It just was a bit. If it wasn't it. Anyways, there's that. Okay. So that was interesting because I feel like social media now is so it's so stuck on relationships. Like, if I tell you right now, if I want to have a million followers, if I open every video, we're giving you guys tea about relationships and the relationships. Oh, if I go. If I started talking about relationships online, I will be famous. I'm telling you right now. Yo, you're not. Oh, shit, man. That's like the things I've done, the things I've seen. Oh, but I can't because I feel like relationships are so sacred to me. And I don't want to bring other people into the drama. But I say all that to say, like, I think relationships that are portrayed online, there's such a parasocial relationship that is bred from those relationships. Let me see. I'm going to say relationships that when things like this happen and folks are like, you know, please, like leave us alone while we agree. But I'm like, I gotta leave you alone. I was dead. I saw the love you posted about it. Not what I know. So I've definitely been looking at how public love versus like private stories are portrayed online. And I think it's so interesting. Like I didn't know Molly Mae and Tommy Fury were back together, but she's pregnant with another child. Like we oftentimes conceptualize public relationships as the ideal relationship. And then when they fall out, we think, oh, this is the norm. But we forget that there are millions of couples around the world who have different stories who also exist. And the public narratives we hear about relationships aren't always the reality of relationship. Those are just the ones we see. And it's just a little, a little sidebar over there. Okay, what else? This also this issue of people wanting couples to be together forever. And that pressure that comes with it. I think that's why I also can't put my relationship publicly because it's kind of a person I am. Like if I'm tired of you, you're gone. You guys might be like, oh, where's this person? Oh, this person was 50 people ago. 50 people is crazy. Okay, maybe not 50 people. But you know, like, I can't because I'm, hey, please, I'm crazy. Your relationships, me, I don't care, Brian. I beg. Guys, you like, that's why I'm like, honestly, am I too old closest competitor to me is Alex Cooper. Call her daddy. Because if I want a yap away, I could tell you all stories for days. One of the stories. Yes, I was talking to a friend and someone texted me and I was like, oh, my God, this is someone who I used to have sex with, that I completely forgot about. Like, I can't remember the amount of people that I've actually like messed with. And I don't mean that the number is big. I just mean that I have ADHD. My memory is shit. But like, I could be chilling and yapping with someone new and then some, I'm like, oh, have you done? I'm like, oh, yeah, this amount. I'm like, oh, actually, well, never mind. Because I did this with this person. And I forgot. And this person texted me and I was like, oh, shit. Oh, we had a whole fling when I was in Houston for X, Y, Z amount of months. I did not remember. Didn't remember. So imagine me having online relate. Oh, no, no, no, you guys should just be lucky. You get this information you're getting now. I just, I can't. You guys would, you would enjoy the dissed for real. But I also, you guys want to cancel me. You cannot trick me. You cannot. Um, okay. There's that. I have also been obsessed, obsessed with a new series of the traders on peacock, I think. Okay. If you guys don't know, I have another channel on my YouTube called the audit TV. And I love playing mafia. I also love hosting game nights. And mafia is one of my favorite games to play. And traders is really just mafia. You have a bunch of creators while celebrities in this case. And the host picks two people or three who are going to be traders. And what the traders job is is to kill the faithfuls. So if you have 10 faithfuls, you're going to sit at a round table and someone is going to pick three people who are going to be traders. The traders job is to kill a faithful every night. And the faithfuls job is to figure out who the traders are. That's the premise. So they have missions in the episode, but the missions don't really matter. Except for the prize money they're trying to win. And then, you know, they go to the round table and they try to banish people. When I tell you, this season of the traders is so good. And I have to go back and watch season one, two, three of us to get to the season. So if you've not watched traders, please go watch it. If you can't watch traders where you are, I'm so sorry. Try a VPN. Okay. Just get a VPN. It is some of the best TV. And I want to go on a show like that. I need to be on a show like that. For me, that is pure, solid entertainment. I love every moment of it. I enjoyed watching it. It was so freaking good. Police. I don't know. I don't know. I just let you guys know it was so good. Anyway, so yes, did traders. It was great. I'm right now. I don't know how to tell you guys the story, but right now in this season, I don't want to spoil anything for you. Just know that Rob from Love Island, if you know Love Island, USA, Rob is the guy who had a thing for Leah, but he's also like the most sneaky person in reality TV history. He's on the show right now and he's pissing me off, pissing me off with his gameplay, but he's a trader. So if you don't, I just bought that one because yeah, he's a trader. And if I was on the traders, I definitely would want to be a trader. There's no way. Like, even when I play the game as mafia, I like either being the host or the person who's killing people. Because I don't know how to lie. Like, oh, no, I don't know how to not lie. I don't know to explain it. Like, no, I shouldn't say that. I just don't know how to like, I don't know, I still like kill people not in a bad way. But like if I was on the game, I think I would excel more as a trader because I just think I come off as like sweet and innocent. I shouldn't say that because in fact, I apply for the show and I'm in. You guys are going to probably going to be like, oh, I watch your podcast, O'Fan, you say you want to be a trader, so you're definitely a trader. And that'll suck, but I would be a fantastic trader. And then I'll just be like, chilling and being like, oh, the girl who everybody likes and then kill you. Anyways, just say, I really want to go on that show. And I'm going to cast myself and apply for the show to see. So who knows? Let me see what else I wanted to talk about before we finish. I think that's pretty much it for this episode. This has been a lot going on in the world right now. I just want to take a moment to address that. And it is both exhausting. And dark, I think is the word I want to find for the world right now. And in so many ways, I can constantly come on here. And if I talk about anything going on in the world, I think I would lose my shit. I would lose my mind because of how exhausting it is. But at the end of the day, it's when you guys know that your existence would always be the best form of resistance. Your joy is the best form of resistance. Like you fighting every day in some capacity to change the status quo is where power truly lies. And the world might seem like it's burning around you. But as long as you try to maintain some level of sanity, you're going to be okay. And that is kind of what I've been preaching to myself for a really long time. And that's what's been keeping me afloat. So even through all the conversations we just talked about, one thing I want to let you know is I would always try to get better and be in a better place and try to be the best version of myself. Try to laugh more. And I think that's all I've been doing. Being an American right now is terrifying. Being an Nigerian right now is terrifying. Living anywhere in the world right now is terrifying because there's so much change happening and you don't even know where to start or where it ends. So I just want to let you guys know that I see you. I hear you and we're all going through it. And I think the best thing you can do for yourself at this moment is just simply try to be the best version of yourself that you could possibly be and protect yourself. That's simply anything I can tell you. So yeah, guys, that would be the end of Amai Too Loud. Our first freaking episode of 2026. This was just a simple life update slash high and back. We're going to start with solar episodes and content next week. And you know, every Wednesday, really excited for that. I launched my substock. I think I told you guys this already. So please, it's going to be more intimate, more honest, more sort of like letters. I want to write to you guys about where my head is at. And it comes out every Thursday. I have a newsletter that actually comes out every Thursday. So go check out my substock for that. And then this will be dropping again every week on Wednesdays and really excited for that. And my vlog channel is going to be every week as well on Sunday. So literally how my life is now is you guys get the podcast in Wednesday, a substock on Thursday and a vlog on Sunday. And when I start my TV channel, you get a video on Saturday. I will terminate in 2026. Can't wait. So don't forget to subscribe. Send me voice messages on the episode website. So you know, and I know you see it. And I miss you so much. The new year will test you, but we're testing it back. And I think that's my goal for the year. The Chinese New Year is February 17. So in my head, this is still 2025, baby. Okay. We're not playing over here. February 17 is my new year because that's the Chinese New Year, the year of the horse. And at this point, the year of the snake was last year. And oh, so many snakes. Oh, God, emergency. I have said so much. I have said so much. And I am still in that period of shedding. Also, do you guys think I should start ADHD medication? It's something I've been thinking about because I don't know if you can tell with my videos that I'm all over the place. And I don't want to depend on medication for my sanity. And I'm getting to the point where I'm just like, I need extra help because I can have all these ideas and all these plans. The follow through terrifying, exhausting. It's so hard, but I'm trying to make things work. So let me know if you've ever been in a medication, if you're on Nexopro, let me know how you like it. If you like it, if there's any change or difference in the stuff, let me know at that work. And I think that's pretty much it for this episode. Guys, we're so back, baby. I'll see you guys next week. And there's so much to come for. Am I too loud? And I can't wait for you guys to hear more. I love you guys. Don't forget to like, comment, and subscribe. Download the episode. Leave me a review on anywhere you're listening to this. And just tell me you love me because I love you too. Bye.