"My childhood friend f*cked my girlfriend" All things friendships - Ep 24

Hey guys, if you're listening on Spotify, hi, if you're on YouTube, you guys, what the bunch am I doing? This is our first episode ever alone. I feel like when we first started that, first of all, hey guys, welcome back to the Mites of Love the Podcast with Sophie, aka the mother freaking Audity, you're only used to vent a little bit and I'm not used to like this good life, like the mic situation is crazy to me. It's been a bit interesting, okay, um, I've had a long day, I am still in Toronto, Canada, I have been solo traveling in Canada for the past like a week and a half. There's a lot to catch you guys up on and since I'm not home, I really wanted to do the podcast. This is our first one, so bear with me from like a little bit nervous about it because when I first started the podcast, you know, we did it first on my balcony in New York and it was great, but I always had like a production team behind the camera. So I had done old, I had my other production guy and it was like always people around me. I've actually never sat down with a mic and the camera to talk to you guys on the podcast. How dare I not do this, like I don't know if it makes me uncomfortable because I also have a vlog channel, you guys, if you follow the diary, it's like shame was plug and I talk a lot to my camera and my mic and I don't always stress about it. So the fact that I am stressing about this one feels really weird. I don't know why it's just, it feels intimate like you guys, just the podcast feels like it's just going out there like anybody kind of listens to the podcast and they can carry whatever I say and run with it. And yes, I say a lot of crazy shit on this podcast, but I see that and then I can blame Donalds who we miss everyone say hi, Donald and comments who we miss very dearly. If I say some crazy shout, but it was Donald's fault, I said it. Now I can't blame anyone with myself. It's not mad. First of all, less unpack the fact that my mom was our first guest. You guys, did you watch the freaking episode? I was so scared. Like, let me be very honest with you. Like, first of all, if you've been following my vlog channel, you know that there's been so many videos in the past that I've talked about my relationship with my mom and I was strained to what I was like, I wasn't joking when I said she really would call me and say I was the worst daughter. I she had regrets giving birth to me. I had aunties and uncles who I still like, I don't have an uncle who I've not spoken to. In seven years, like, he does not speak to me. He doesn't want to give me access to his kids. They literally in my family consider me the devil. Like, they they've said, I am the devil. Like, I have a cousin who I was really close to. Oh, I wanted to come fly out to New York to come see me. I think like last year or two years ago and her mom and my uncles were like, no. Like, she's not coming to see you at the devil. You're going to corrupt her and I remember just feeling like the shittiest human. Like, I remember feeling so bad and during that time, my mom just never supported me. I don't think it was from a lack of love. I think it was from a lack of not understanding what I was doing. And so if everybody around her, especially because you guys saw in that podcast, she talked about how she's the first of 21 kids. I really think that my mom's siblings are her kids. Like, in her head, they are her first kids and then me and my brother, of course, were her kids too. I think for a long time, she struggled. And I know she's not here to defend herself. I get it. But I'm not going to get up with you guys because this is my podcast. It's not her podcast. Even though I know you guys loved her very much. And that episode is doing so well. But for me, I can tell the like those kids, like her, her siblings, her kids first. So she poured a lot of effort into the kicking care of them, taking care of their kids, making sure they're all going to be successful, like trying to plant success in their lives, essentially. So whenever things like that would happen with me and my brother, she would feel sort of like caught in between two worlds of, I want to support my own kids while also being like, I also want to listen to my siblings because I've known them longer. I feel like that's why I always felt like there are so many times when she would call me. And I just knew that she wasn't cool with the shit I was doing. Well, she wasn't as mad. Like, if you guys listen to that episode, it was like, my mom gets uncomfortable. Like, she doesn't like when I show a scan. She doesn't like if I drink. She doesn't like if I do drugs. She doesn't like if I'm gay. She doesn't like if I'm not going to be Muslim. Like, there's things I know she wouldn't like. I don't think she would hate me for it. But I think with listening to her siblings and our family, I think she would always feel like she had to present this strict, I hate this kid because that means if she does that, then she's a better mom to us. So it felt like a full circle moment finally to just have that one and one with her. And it was weird because we actually have never had that conversation before. Me and my mom don't talk. I'm even gonna like sugarcoat it with you guys. Like, we don't talk. Like, we're not the daughter duo. And I also think I have very little patience because I get so scarred. Like, imagine doing all of that dreaming big and like go into your mom because she's the only parent I have. And I'm being like, Mom, I want to do this. And she's telling you, like, why do you want to do that? She doesn't understand. I always felt so closed off. So because of that, it would just be like, you know what? I don't need to share. I'm realizing how important it is for me to have my family support me. I went through so much solo. And I have a really good support system, which is what the episode is going to be about. Like, how my friends sort of like became sort of like my mom and replaced my mom because there's so many stories of me seeking community because I didn't have that at home. Like, the oddity is not just a name for me. Like, it was survival mode. Like, I realized that for me to be the person I wanted to be, I had to be an oddity and feel it and own it and just be on apologetically me. And I got through it, guys. And so like, to have her finally be on the podcast, it reminds you, I did not offer like, I did not say when we would be on my podcast. And she literally said, so when am I going to be on the podcast? Oh, excuse me. My podcast? You want to willingly come on my podcast? Ma'am, where's my mother? What have you done with her? Like, that was the vibe. And she did really good. Like, I don't know. Like, I listened to that episode at least five times now. Like, just to listen to her side of the story and hearing her talk about, you know, going to the UK. If you've not listened to the past episode, you have to go listen to it. Oh, no, this makes any sense. Just hearing her talk about her past living in the UK in a way felt like her lost dreams wanting to escape home. It just felt like she gets me and she's a part of her life right now where she's accepted where she is and all her choices and all she wants right now is to just have a relationship with her kids. And I respect that. And I want to do everything I can while still being myself to also remember that my mom is also just a girl. Like, my mom is just a girl. She's just trying to figure this life out too. She doesn't know how to navigate things. I don't know how to navigate things. But giving her this space to feel her feelings while also giving myself space to feel my feelings, I think would help us in the long run. So I've got a lot of messages from you guys talking about navigating your relationship with your parents. And I don't have any advice except prioritizing yourself. I spent years prioritizing me. And I think she had to learn that I would always choose me in this situation. And she should also choose herself. And at some point when we both feel like we're at that space where we do not want to come together, we've come together now and we're both okay. Like, I literally told my mom, what if I don't want to get married? And she's like, well, I disagree. Like, she didn't curse me out. She didn't say you're the devil. She didn't say. And I know because the camera was there, she's open to say that well, even like when we're not on camera, she's not saying those things to me anymore. She's not letting aunties and uncles be crazy about me. I'm also 28 now. I feel like she's also like your other child is grown. Like, she's not going to do what, what can she do? You know what I mean? So I'm just, I'm grateful for that episode. It feels like the perfect first guest over the next couple of weeks as I travel. I'm going to be really, really interested in bringing on people that I love. And I want to have on my podcast. What I mean by that is I think, I don't think there's any other podcast like I might too loud. I'm not even going to front. Like, I don't want celebrities yet. Yes, yes, yes. I still want some celebrities, okay? I want some big people on here. I don't want celebrities yet. I want you guys to hear from the people that have shaped me into being the woman that I am. I want you to hear from my friends. So for everyone who reached out about from the past episode, thank you so much. My mom is fine. She's been reading all the episode comments. She loves them. She's been wanting to go on Twitter. She wants to do TikToks together. She's very happy. She still wants me to have my nine kids. I don't know if that's going to happen. She still wants me to not be gay. I don't think that's going to happen. She still wants me to be modest. I don't think that's going to happen. She still wants me to grow my hair. I don't think that's going to happen. However, I respect that my choices still does not negate her love for me. And I love her very much. Even though she does not support me. I don't know if things will ever change. I'm going to always stress my mom. I think that's the cross she has to bear to have her for having a child like me. But I love her very much. Okay. Tangent over. Play Lee, I am not at home. That is because if you're watching on YouTube, I am in another studio, right? And when we start the podcast, I've always been in my apartment in New York. And this is the first time I'm going to say to you guys, I don't know if I'm going to stay in New York. Don't tell anybody I said it. Don't even tell the vlog channel yet. They don't know. Don't tell anyone, you guys. This is the safe space. This is the safe space, right? Okay. Let's talk about it. I've been traveling a lot. You know, I got my green car last year. I've had a lot of dreams. And I don't know, there's just this, there's this itch to see the world. I feel like what ended up happening with me is because I spent 10 years in America, I just never felt like I was seeing the world. And America feels so small when you're stuck in it. And I'm not stuck in it anymore. And I can travel. And I want to see the world and be able to see different stories. So I come back and tell you guys stories. I want to go around and come back and be like, let me tell you what I experienced. Yeah. You know, I mean, like, I think there's so much more for the world I want to see. So I've been, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've just been trying to see if New York is for me. And I've not made a proper decision yet. And this is the truth between me and you guys. No one else. The vlog channel again does not know. But I don't know if I'm going to be in New York. And I think a lot of it has to do with like, the community in New York. And I have felt over the past couple of months. But I'm going to be in Canada for the next couple of days. And then I'm heading to Acroagana. I'm going to be in, I don't know, I like saying Acroagana. I'm going to be in Acroag working on some really top secret mission. I'm not going to share yet. Has something to do with my scalp and my heart. I don't know what to tell you. But I'm really excited about that too. So once all that travel sort of like happens, I come back to New York. And then we're going to make some really, really tough decisions on what comes or what happens next. Also, I turned 28 this month. It's June, guys. Happy birthday to all my June babies. I'm a cancer, June 25. I don't know what I'm going to do for my birthday this year. I've been really struggling with it. And again, like you guys, it comes around to this friendship conversation. So we're going to talk about friendships today, especially coming from the conversation around my mom and community building because one of the biggest reasons why I'm contemplating leaving New York is just, I don't know if the community is there. I don't know if the community is there for me. I don't know, I don't know what I'm seeking. And I have had this habit for the longest time of looking for community where community isn't. And I want to start standing my ground and realizing that some people are just not for me. I'm not for some people. And that's okay. You're not going to be liked all the time, Sophie. Hence why we're going to also talk about being a people pleaser. I'm going to look at my laptop now. I'm going to talk about being a people pleaser. I'm going to talk about putting down roots somewhere. We're going to talk about saying boundaries, red flags, all of it. Okay, let's get comfortable. I feel like I wish I had a shot, guys. I swear because the also the day I've had today, I'm going to go all over the place. You know that. I just got some not really so great news today. A friend of mine is not doing so well. And I just, I am so like, frazzled like all I want to do is just be with them and just make sure they're okay. And I just, I can't like, I'm just, I have to be here and show up for you guys. I want you to also know that like, I am pretty stressed. And I was just telling Donald this earlier. I'm realizing that the cost of community is inconvenience. I saw that as a tweet or something on TikTok ones. And it stuck with me since. Just being in Toronto, being with family. I've also been getting comments that I tend to be alone a lot. And the road to success oftentimes also feels like a lonely road. My brain like, I'm trying to catch so many ideas of popping into my head. How do I explain this? I have really big dreams for the podcast for myself, for my family. And my biggest issue has always been finding the right support system that understands the dreams I have for myself. And for example, my trip to Toronto was supposed to strictly be me spending time with family. And I think two days into the trip, I was like, I need to, I can't be here. I need to, I can't be here. I need to go back to work. I need to do something. I've never felt that peace in a way. Just being quiet. And I think I also had a lot to do with like, just not being in my routine. And a lot of things that will be happening has also been happening in New York. There's had me question a lot about community. And I'm trying to not. So let me tell you what's going on. I was talking to Donald about the episode for this week. And I want to also see if we can all count. I mean, times I say Donald in this episode. Clearly, I miss him. I don't know. And we should probably take a shot for every time I say Donald in this episode. Because I think that's hilarious. And I remember I was going to talk about friendship and he's like, you have to name names. You have to say what all these people have done your wrong. And he was like, I don't want this to be that episode. I don't want the episode around friendships to be about the not so good friendships I've been in or the lack of community I've sometimes felt in New York. However, I still think I want to talk about it. You know what I mean? I just, guys, I want to talk about it because the reason I went viral in 2020 was because one of the reasons was I did a bunch of story times about some of the not so good friendships I had in college. And a recurring pattern in my life is I am constantly trying to find validation in people who aren't truly the best for me. I'll give an example. There was this girl and my college at the time who when we met, she was so at the rich girl on campus where I was really sweet, really nice, all that stuff. But I just never felt comfortable taking stuff from her. My mom didn't raise me to do that. I don't really stick out of the people's houses. Like I'm very much like, if you're an African child, you know, you don't go to people's houses. You don't eat people's food. You mind your business. You stay in your lane. Like that's how I was and that's how I was raised. So here a girl like I don't think like the fact that I was so independent. And also I was very like my mouth is sharp. Like I would say exactly what's on my mind, no brainer. So she said not like that. And there was a lot of instances where I was bullied. I was harassed. Like things got to her head right before I graduated when she and another one of my best friends pulled up to my dorm one day. And let me tell you how this exactly happened. So give me some context. My best friend and my best friend and I best friends, right? And then this girl is like a friend of her and me. So we're like a little triangle. I just didn't always feel comfortable in the triangle. So me and M are friends and R is the mean girl essentially. I mean, M are best friends. R is friends with M and I'm friends with all of us. Well, closer to M M and R pull up to my dorm room. They pull up to my dorm, right? They call me and say M calls me and says or R calls on camera who called me. Can you come down please for context? Okay, because this is a long story for context. Maybe like a few months before R has a brother who was really sweet to me. It was really nice. And he realized that I didn't have a phone for some reason. Yo, I was broke in college. But we couldn't afford the school. I was figuring life out. So I was using my iPad to communicate in R's brother because he had money. Notice that and offer to buy me a new iPhone. Crazy. At that time, iPhones were expensive. I said no. However, I don't understand. There was some coercion, some pleas, Christmas gifts, something, something. I ended up getting this new iPhone. So now I have this iPhone that R's brother got for me. Fast forward to me and R, I have some issues. Although it's just been weird. But I'm like minding my business. I think exams are starting all the time. I got a call from R. I go downstairs from my dorm. R is in the driver's seat. M is in the passenger's seat. I pull up in the car. I enter the back. She's like, sit down. She's like, oh, can I see your phone? Okay, I'll give her my phone. I don't know why I did that. This girl takes out my SIM card from the iPhone. Takes the iPhone, gives me back the SIM and says, now you're, now I'm going to have the phone that you've been using to talk shit about me. Here you go. Get it on my car. This is why I don't collect things from people. This is why. Guys, she seized my phone. She actually seized my mind. I'm telling you, this is a grown, grown woman. I was what? 20 at the time? Maybe 1920. And she was, she was, I think, 28, 27. I'm not joking. She seized my phone. And I remember just sitting in the back of the car and being like, what do you mean? She was like, yeah, I'm taking her phone. Get out of the car. Hey, my best friend is in the passenger's seat. Not saying a word. Pim? Not saying anything. I'm looking at both of them. Like, are you kidding me right now? I'm like, give me my phone. Give me my phone. She's like, it's not your phone. Next time I'll see you bought it. Oh, this is why. I said, okay, I get out of the car. And I start using my phone. I start using my iPad. I literally use my iPad. I call my mom and my uncle at the time to let them know that I don't have a phone anymore. The one that's contacting me. She contacted me through Skype. That's how I was communicating with my family. And I remember, war hurt me the most. And I'm bringing this into a circle. It was. I remember calling my mom immediately. That happened crying. I was like, I don't like it in school here. I'm struggling. I don't have friends. I thought I did, but I don't know what I'm doing wrong. That's because nothing we weren't a grown woman seizing my phone. Like, I did not. There's nothing I could have said about you. There was nothing. My mom said the girl had called her before she came to my house. And that the girl had told her that I had lost my virginity. I was a terrible person. I was a bully. I was lying, saying spreading lies about my mom. She just said some crazy shit to my mom. And my mother, aunt through the phone said, if you did it all off, of course she's going to take your phone and took the girl's side. Guys. I have never felt a bigger sense of betrayal in that moment. It's like, I remember thinking, I don't like this woman. I love your mom. But in that moment, I did not like my mom. I had felt like, I just needed her support. And I just didn't feel supported. And so I think for a long time, even before then, I had already felt like my mom didn't have my back. And then the friends where I was struggling within this college to pay tuition so all these things didn't have my back like, couldn't be honestly even, what is the word, denigrated me? Maybe feel less then because I didn't have as much as they did. I didn't want their help. I just went to figure things out myself. And even when I didn't have as much as they did, I was still doing well. I was still successful. I was still proud of myself. And then at the time, I used to feel so bad. I used to feel like a shitty person. Like, what am I doing wrong that these girls don't like me? What am I doing wrong? That I just, I did her hair. Every now and then my hands were hurting. I had not eaten me about cooked for her. I did all these things. And yet, I'm still not doing it good enough. And my mom doesn't think I'm right. So clearly I'm doing something wrong. And I had a friend who is still in my life right now. Shout out to our, I'm going to call her Ruth. Shout out to Ruth, that's her name. Who was the one person in that moment who like, sort of like had my back. Actually, I remember she called me and she was like, I know what they came to her house. And they kept me down and told me, you been saying shit about me. I just want you to let you know that. I say shit about people all the time too. No one deserves to be talked on. No one deserves to be bullied. So when you have your shit together, you're going to let them not bully you anymore and get your shit together. And I remember just hearing what she said, was still not having it stick to me. And since then, I'm currently 28. It's been eight years of several moments where the closest people to me will tell you, I have shitty boundaries around friendships. I have shitty boundaries around family. I have shitty boundaries about one in people, one to be liked. I do. And for someone who says, I'm the oddity. I'm so this, I'm so that. I had really, really shitty boundaries. So I think in the past two years, maybe even three years, I have tried really hard to do like a solid 180. Fuck people please in. Fuck having shitty boundaries. Fuck all of it. I am the priority. And it has been life changing. It has been so different because it's necessary. No one can love you as much as you love yourself. Like self love that I always preach all the time. It usually needs to start from your head, so your mind, through your body, through your soul. Like you need to understand how in love you need to be with yourself. So you don't take disrespect. And I think that shows in my decision by Mom because I can laugh now when she says, I disagree with your choices because it's okay to disagree. They're still my choices at the end of the day. They might hurt me that you disagree in my break my heart. It's okay. You're not me. You're not living my life. And I think that is what has been shaping my relationship with friends recently because at this point, I'm like, fuck it. It's okay if you don't like me. It's okay if you don't feel like you don't disagree with my choices. It's okay if you think that I need to do something I'm not doing it. It's okay because you're not me. You're not living my life. You know what I mean? So it's definitely been interesting because that energy is also meant that I have lost a lot of friends. A lot is crazy because I don't love a lot of people into my circle. I would say like in the past two and a half years, I have lost like a solid like five friends what I thought like would be at my potential wedding if I ever chose to get married. Like that's how much my choices to not be a people pleaser anymore as shaped a lot of things from me recently. Oh, you guys, I'm struggling a lot with talking about friendships because I don't want to say anything crazy. I don't want to hurt people's feelings. So we're going to start with a disclaimer. If you're listening to this, I if you're watching my YouTube, you can physically see my discomfort. If you're listening to this, so I want you to know that all the names here are going to be redacted. Okay, so what I'm going to end up doing is I reached out to you guys and some of you sent email, so you sent messages talking about friendships and you asked me a bunch of questions and I'm just going to be asking those questions because you know what? I am going to be doing a little advice corner because I think as a recovering people pleaser and a recovering person with shitty boundaries, I think I've sort of become an expert in shitty friendships when experts and also really, really, really, really, really good friendships because I have a really good group of people around me now and they replace my family when I thought family was never going to speak to me again. So shout out to all my friends, all five of them, the FaceTime Five because I love them down. Okay, I also have my laptop open. So we're going to start with this question where someone says, when is jealousy and friendships okay and when is it toxic? I'm going to tell you a story about the time where I realized I had a jealous friend and this is my mentality and this is how you know I was a shitty at shitty boundaries. So it was this friend, I'm going to call the friend A okay and AME met online. We had been friends for like three, four years but all I just remember in that moment is a lot of times with A, the issue was always whenever I had something good happened to me, A would always tell me how that impacted them negatively all the time. Like I would remember like if I said, oh my god, I just got this brand deal. It would feel like why didn't A get the brand deal? I really am trying to run X, Y and Z marathon. It would say why is A not doing this? Like it felt like a continuous cycle of every time I had an achievement, A was feeling like because of my achievements, it was a lack on their part. As a people pleaser and someone who was also again, I'm going to keep saying this had shitty boundaries. When I heard that, I didn't think, oh okay, like that's not good. Let me, like it's not my problem, I figured it out. I would say how can I make sure A doesn't feel like that anymore? So I would do everything in my fricking power to make sure A got the same opportunities as me. That would be me giving the same opportunities I had to A would have like accountability sessions, would have stories where like we'll sit together and plan our year, do our vision boards together. Every waking moment of starting to say like, hey, I got you, you got me. Let's figure this out together. Let's grow together. And I think it became toxic when it was a cycle of, I couldn't celebrate my wins because I realized like, hey, if I brought up my wins to A, A is going to feel like they weren't doing good enough. And I felt so bad every single time that would happen. I'm going to tell you the story. A ends up coming to my place for a bit. And me and here, A are talking. And me and A spend a long time together. And during this time, it was over and over and over just constant complaining about how A was not doing well or going good enough and A was struggling. And I just realized there's never going to be a time when even if I did everything in my power to make sure A realized I was supported, it would never cheer me on, no matter how hard they tried. And my therapist told me something so prideful and such a not humble brag at all. But it's helped me conceptualize a lot of things for people. Sometimes people are the sun. Sometimes you're the sun. And sometimes you are going to have planets or bits around you, right? You're the one who's going to be the one that everybody revolves around. You're not the planet, you're the sun. And their people were planets. Their people were the sun. Stars were the earth, whatever the case may be. But personally for me, the idea was I am the sun. And so I can never dim my light. The sun is never going to stop shining because the planets say it's enough. The earth is going through global warming crisis right now. The sun is still going to shine regardless, even if it's uncomfortable for people on the earth. People on the earth are going to put sunscreen on. They're going to put umbrellas up. They're going to do all these things to try to affect and slow the decline of the global warming and stuff like that. But on the day, the sun is still always going to shine. You cannot dim your light for the jealous friend. You cannot allow the jealous friend's thoughts encroach your own. You cannot let someone else determine how you shine bright because you feel guilty about it. And it took me a long time to not feel guilty that I was successful or I was doing good. It took me a long time to actually sit in front of a camera and say, I am successful and I'm proud of myself. It's because I had a lot of people around me that maybe feel guilty for the level of success I have. In fact, as a woman, you're not allowed to celebrate your success. And it's oftentimes really hard when you're in female friend groups or just honestly in friend groups at all. They don't celebrate your success but instead try to pull you down with them. I'm realizing that when you have really, really, really good people around you, success is celebrated. It's yelled. It's like, it's touted. I have friends now who tell me, what else did you get and they're not saying that from a place of malice, from a place of hurt, from Jenny from a place of when you win, we win. And when they win, I win. Because in my life, I'm like, I want to be so successful that I have a private jet. And when I go around to all my friends' houses and pick up their kids from my private jet, I'm going to fly them to Hong Kong Disney or Tokyo Disney. I forget which one where Disney is. And they're just going to have a bit of time because I'm going to be the godmother to all their kids. That's how much I want to pour back into my friends who are always showing up for me. That's how in many ways I started learning to deal with jealousy. I started picking out the signs and realizing, oh, this person actually does not like me. To know, because if they can suck it up, they feel like, because I get jealous. You get jealous. I, if anyone tells me, I'll surprise them all like, sidebar, I don't know about you guys, but I like jealousy. Like, especially relationships. Like, I am a very possessive person. I like my person to be jealous. Like, not envious. I think jealousy and envy are two very different things. I think jealousy is a natural human emotion. I think you can see something I want it. Like, I'll give you an example. And I know this is going to be a clip. My team is going to want to cut. I am so jealous of Madame Joyce. That's my friend. I am so jealous of Madame Joyce. I love her. She's exactly who I want to be in terms of how shopper that girl's mouth is. That's my friend. We go to get a real bad. I am so jealous of her. Because in many ways, I love Joyce. Like, I want, I want to be able to be proud and loud. If they dragged me in Nigeria for a contest, Madame Joyce is a podcaster, a YouTuber. She's in a credible creative. She's so smart. And she's just some really iconic shit. And she's like the most crazy unfiltered human you'd ever meet. I love that girl down. And if they ever dragged me one time for saying something on my Snapchat, I will go up front and hide in the corner. My baby girl did a whole t-shirt. This is like, this is a love letter. Madame Joyce did a whole t-shirt. Because fuck it. People are not going to like you. People are going to like you. Who cares? Right? I'm jealous of her. I'm not envious. I'm jealous. In terms of like, I want to tout her success. Every time I talk about my podcast, I always bring up Joyce. Because when I first started my podcast, I knew I had a friend who was a successful podcaster. I would be stupid not to call my friend and say, hey, I'm starting a podcast. Help me. Give me all the tips. And I've been around situations where I knew people around me really wanted to be influencers, really wanted to be YouTubers, really wanted to be creators. And they were my friend, like close friend. Close friend. And they would not be able to come to me because they were so jealous or so upset that they didn't want to ask for help. But I realized like, it's okay to ask for it because that's your friend. It's okay to be jealous because that's your friend. Tell her. And Joyce was super helpful when I first started out. Giving me all the tips helping me out when I needed it. I didn't call her right now. I should be like, girl, I'm going for me forever. I'm like, yeah, girl, say, I'm busy. You're busy. Everyone's busy. And then we chat in the app about anything and everything. That is what true friendship is. Like, it's okay to be jealous, but not sitting in that jealousy. We're acting on it. We realize, read within you and say, why am I feeling this emotion? Oh, I want this because I'm feeling like there's a lack in something I could be doing. And then work hard on yourself to get there. Don't let that become envy. Because envy is ugly emotion. Envy is when you want what they have. You want to take it from them. And that's not the case here. Another question that we're going to move on to is a friend just recently goes to me. And it's something that has really affected me. But I still need them socially like for events or groups just. Okay. First of all, what does this mean? Like, who's this rope was great on? Like, what was the most this friend was this friend? Explain this to me properly. First of all, I am not a ghoster. I don't like people with that ghost. I think it's immature. I think it's childish. I think, and you're ghosting someone. You're disrespecting that person. You have no respect for them. And the story. I think people who ghost are childish. You need to learn. Of course, they sometimes are like, you have to disappear. But if you're ghosting someone without having to communicate, you're a terrible communicator. And the story, I don't like it. However, I am currently going through a friendship right now where the person is actually actively ghosting me. And I knew when it started happening. And it hurts for so long. And then I realized that the person is conflict diverse. And as a kind of person, when my life started, I let them go. But this conversation is talking about how like you still need the friend socially. I don't think you do. I don't think you need the friend socially for that. If someone is telling you they don't want to be around you, let them be. Let's use male robins here. Let them be. You don't need to be their friend. You don't need to leave them alone. And don't need, it don't need to be your circle. It don't need to be around you. It don't need to be anything other than just alone by themselves. I've always been nervous when I saw saying stories because I'm like, I don't want to say names or snitcher and make people. Because I feel like you guys are detectives. And when I start talking, I recently got a really huge opportunity. You guys don't know about the opportunity yet. The friend who got me the opportunity is someone that we hang out a lot socially and we've only hung out together once or twice. We've caused back to the whole thing about New York and me not feeling like I have community. Because I think the fact that I am an immigrant also plays a huge role in how I view American life and American community. What I mean by that is I don't have family in America. The uncle I have does not speak to me. I'm practically disowned. My brother is in Canada. My mom is in Canada with him. Oh, she's in Nigeria. I am alone alone. Okay, I want us to be clear. The family I do have in America are my friends. What I mean by that is I don't have any other auntie blood relative, nothing in America but me. Okay, and so my friends are my lifelines. And I like to say that when you grow up like this is actually within the American context, it's hard to latch onto communities because I've been so used to moving on. When I first got to America, I stayed in college for four years. I moved on to the next college. I never felt like I had I had ties to the ground essentially. And it was also hard because I had big dreams. I was like, I got to go, go, go, go, go. So I've always learned to live life alone. And most of the times I would first confuse friendships or acquaintances and work relationships. And I say work relationships like influencer relationships with actual friendships. Like, oh, because I want to be friends with people. I want to start building community. I think they're my friends. They're not. So if there's any influencer listen to this, and you're struggling with like, oh, I want to be this influencer's friend. I learned to save my heart because I am a cancer. I'm a baby that sometimes what it is is simply just colleagues, like work colleagues. We work together. And that's it. You can become friends through your work. And then you can become friends for a long time. For the most part, when I meet people now, I'm just like, oh, we're a colleague. But it's pretty good friend who bought this opportunity. I realized when we started going through the opportunity together, there was some friction there. And again, remember what I talked to you about, like the sun and the analogy. I also remember I would shrink myself for other people to make them comfortable. And I've stopped doing that now because I would rather, I would rather you take a bulb and shine brighter. Then think you have to break my bulb to make your bulb shine bright. Does that make sense? So I remember feeling we have conversations. I try to address it with this particular friend. I try to make sure she understood what this was coming from. And it just felt like the friction was still always going to be there. And so several times where I called, called, called in this front just did not pick up. I tried to do the white flag thing. Let's talk about it for not pick up. So essentially this friend ghosted me. And it hurt. Because I think this is one of the last friends I think I had in New York. And it made me feel very, very bad and sad. And like, what am I doing wrong? What also made me realize that you kind of can't control how other people communicate and how other people are going to behave. All you can control is how you react to it. And so I realized that I have so much love to give that. I'm just going to point that people who actually don't want to ghost me. And who actually want to be friends with me. And then say, fuck it to the other people and just say, you ghosted me. You don't have a conversation. Let's move on. And so that means like no, I'm given a fudge about having them with social events and navigating life. Just going to events for myself. Making more friends at this event or understanding like the work dynamic and the space. I'm just doing that instead. And that's what I've been doing. So this situation, um, don't care that they go sit you or feed into it. Maybe just more in the friendship and the loss. But if you've tried every avenue to communicate with them, and they've just said they don't want you to communicate with them, that can also be a boundary they've set on your relationship. I think that's okay. I think it's okay to just be like, you know what? Enough is enough. You stay where you are. I'm going to stay where I am of that helped. Okay. What does this secret to maintain in a friendship when life gets busy, jobs, relationships, and travel? This is something that I like, I feel like I have down. And I think it's again, because I have the best friends. So my friends don't live in New York City. And I live in New York. My friends live all across the world. They live in Chicago, Dallas, Canada, Detroit. Trying to count who I'm going to say. Who I'm going to say. DC. Yeah. So those places. And different time zones, different areas. Some of them are married. Some of them have kids. Some of them are dating. Some of them are single. My friends all live in different places. And communication is so key. If you see on my vlog channel, I'm always picking up my FaceTime friends. Oftentimes have my location. They know where I am. Most of the time I know where they are. We have a room without an autonomous spoken room where they know they're going to call me if I need to. I'm going to call them if I need to. Um, I just setting boundaries on stuff. There was a time where my best friend of 15 years. I think it's almost 20 now. We had a tough conversation because she was like, whenever you travel, you just don't reach out. Like you're so busy and I miss you and I miss us. And there are times where I would feel so guilty and so upset. Like, why don't you understand that I'm so busy and working. And I also had to realize that. The cost again of communities and convenience. You need to make the effort to be friends with people in your life. And that's all putting things in place. They want to have birthdays. I make sure I don't miss because I have them in my calendar. The amounts of events that I make sure I have to make. Like you guys have seen me document my friends. Baby showers, my friends birthdays. I'm going to hang out with my daughter. Like I want to make sure I'm actively present in their lives because they were family to me. So I think it's just being very intentional. Like I think the best thing that ever happened to the iPhone was fine mine. Because the way my friends have peace of mind now, I'll give you an example. One of my best friends, the way she knows I'm okay is if she checks my fine mine. She like, avidly checks it. Sometimes when I'm not talking for two days, I'd be like, what the heck? I haven't spoken to you. She's like, oh, you're home. Oh, why so you're a dental space? Oh, why so you were traveling? So she like kind of gets the peace of mind that I know you're busy. So I'm just going to make sure I know you're okay and know where you are. Another friend, we've had a streak on Snapchat for 2,182 days, which is almost five years. That is insane to me. Like we've been streaking every day for almost a while. I don't think we've ever missed a streak day. And that's because like we realize, okay, we can't always talk on Facebook all the time. But I can streak you in the mornings during the day, wherever I'm at. So I know where you are and you know where I am, and we can communicate that way. I think it's always like finding like quirky ways to make sure you're keeping in connection with your friends, because I think that's usually what helps a lot. Oh, if you succinct your friend is going through something, but they're too proud to talk. How can you show up without being intrusive? I think giving people space is that one of the biggest things that I've learned. Like it's okay to give people space. I am the friend who does not talk. I don't share. Am I seem crazy? Because I'm currently sharing my entire life online. But I recently went on the day, the other day. Okay, I was talking to her and she brought up something that I said on the podcast. I remember just looking at her and going, never ever, ever, ever, ever connect where I say my podcast to my real life. Not because I'm lying to you guys, but because there's a version of me that you guys see and it's also a version of me that I also want to keep private and personal. Because then what is for me? Like I can be very vulnerable about like, oh, I wanted a date. Oh, I'm hurting, oh, I'm in love. Oh, I like having sex. Oh, I don't like having sex. I can do all those things. Well, they also parsing me that. You would never get to see because we don't have that like one-in-one relationship. And so whenever people talk about like wanting to be there for friends, the most thing like find out how that for impresses and emotions, what's their love language? How do they like to be seen? How do they like to communicate? I realize I'm a very, I have the attachment styles. I'm an anxious attachment. I have a friend who's avoiding. I have a friend who's, you know, I mean, like there's different ways to communicate. Find that and then let them never sort of force yourself on these people. Just don't force it. If she says she needs space or they say they need space, give them space. Like for me, I'm the kind of person who, when we're communicating in the moment, I say I hear it. Well, I swear to you, three weeks will go by. And I'll be like, you remember when we're talking about this? I swear, I've been thinking about this entire time. I just thought about it right now because it's true. I didn't like when you said this and it's never because I'm holding it or I'm holding a grudge. It used to get so, I used to get so much flak for it when I was in a relationship. But it's more of like, that's how my brain processes things. It takes me a long time to process stuff. But once I do, I want to talk about it. So maybe just giving the person space and learning how your friends communicate. My best friend is a very avoidant communicator. She does not like to talk unless she's ready to talk. I just let her, I weed it out. You can hound her, hound her, hound her, but she's never going to actually talk. I'm just like, I'm thinking about friendship right now. I'm like, okay, what would younger Sophie also like think? Like what is some advice I'll give my younger self about friends, like friendships? And I think one of the biggest things will be go where you belong, but also go where you're celebrated. I think so many people are stuck in relationships that are very toxic and are unhealthy. And for me, that oftentimes has shown up in my friendships specifically where I feel that need to show up for people too much and then they take advantage of it. So a lot of my younger self understand like I need to go where I'm celebrated and go where I'm needed. Don't try to force friendships. That's the biggest thing. Don't force friendships. It's okay to let people go. I think in life, I give people a lot of chances and it's okay to give those friendship chances. Where people have been very close to you about how they feel about you, let them do them. Let them do them. Don't stress about it. Don't fight it. Just accept it for what it is. What is the biggest friendship deal breaker that I have? The one of my biggest friendship deal breakers would be this honesty. I think it's one of my biggest things. I don't like people like to me. I am one of those people like, I don't like lying to people. I don't like it. I don't lie. I would laugh or make myself obvious that I'm lying. I just don't like people who lie. So I think one of my biggest things is your friend to me is like, don't lie to me. Because of them today, there's no need to lie. If you want to lie to your relationship, go ahead. If you want to lie to your family, go ahead. But in the friendship, you have nothing to lose. There's nothing holding us except for our love and care for each other. There's no reason for you to lie. Just don't lie to me. So I think that's one of my biggest friendship deal breakers. And what is the best such worst way a friend has ever surprised you? I think it's this recent friendship that I just lost, guys. It really has surprised me a lot because in many ways, I just never thought this was a kind of friend that like would behave the way they did. And then when they did start acting, the way they start reacting, that's a terrible way to try to give you some tea. Cause what am I trying to say without saying anything? The point is that was a recent one. When I realized that, oh, like, no matter how hard I work to bridge that gap, but to show this person that, I'm there for them, I'm in their corner. If they have a perception of me or they have a perception of who I am, there's nothing I'm going to do to change that. And I need to be okay with it. You need to be okay with people not liking you. You need to be okay with people saying, I don't fuck with her. I'm going to be like, I don't fuck with you too. Or I'm sad that you feel that way, but if there's nothing I can do about it, then I wish you the best I'm going to bow out. And I think that is something that is taking me a long time to learn, but at the ripe age of 28, I am learning that it's okay to just let people fucking go. Before we get into some Reddit stories, cause I have some Reddit stories I want to react to, I want to give you guys like three of my Korean traditional French opinion, because am I too loud? Yes, I freaking am. So one, my most Korean traditional French opinion is all my friends have my, find my, on my iPhone. All my friends have my location all the day in time. I live alone, I'm always alone, I'm always vlogging and creating and stuff like that. My friends needs to wear, yeah, my family doesn't. I never have the best relationship, my family like that. I'm just building that relationship. My friends always have access to my phone and my friends always have access to my location all the day in time. Like my closest friends. Second thing is my friends and my partner are on the same level. Don't beat me up. I treat my friendships exactly as I treat my relationship. The only caveat to the relationship is, yeah, we're fucking, we're having sex. When you have really, really, really deep relationships with people, you understand that. Especially because this thing that's been going around recently, where it's like women are realizing they don't want to settle for anything when they have really good friends. Like when you have a really good friend, you realize it's understanding the importance of having a really good relationship. So I have my relationship and my friendships on the same level playing field. And my last option is, I am, my money is your money. My last opinion is my money is your money. If my friends ever need anything, I'm always giving it to them. If they advise versa, I have never been the kind of friend who like always keeps finance or anything away from my friendships. For the most part, my money is their money. We're making this money together. You're supporting me. It's a lot to me. It's a reason why I'm standing and growing. So if my money is your money, that's pretty much it. So there's only three commercial opinions. Let me know if that's crazy. And if you guys have some crazy opinions as well. And let's get into some Reddit's questions. This one says, what is W-I-B-T-A? I don't know what that means. W-I-B-T-A for leaving my friend out because of her behavior. Ooh, ooh, okay. I have known Liz a 37 year female for 15 plus years. While we never actually lived close to each other, she's always been my go to person and vice versa. I'm typically introverted while she's overwhelmingly extroverted. Starting an online community about six plus months that goes get people to play games with us, originally started with her husband. My husband and a few mutual friends was not almost 100 people, I helped run it. Two to three months ago, we had someone join us from a different country. Joey, male 31. Since then, Liz has constantly tried to fish out information from him about his life and very personal details. She's just not calling him by his real name. He said his username despite him saying he will be less likely to respond. Made everyone uncomfortable one thing in particular drew the line for me. Long story short, while still under the influence, she wasn't to talk to him in a seductive tone, which she denies, it was incredibly awkward and I did my best to intervene. When I addressed it with her, I got blamed for making it bigger than it was. When I said it that other people were also very uncomfortable, that's when she began to see the issue. Since that talk, I feel like she's been different towards me at a time even hostile. My example, my Joey and my husband, and I like to play a lot of the same games and Liz isn't able to play them. She said that she feels like she's the minority because of this and even argued and joke that I was purposely leaving her out, but I've actually gone out of my ways to find things we could all do together. Joey has also told me that Liz sent him a ton of memes to his social media account, which she found after searching his username and messages him almost daily. He doesn't seem too bothered by it, but he said comments that make him think otherwise. Yesterday, her sexy voice came out again. I mentioned to her and told her to stop or I would leave. She did barely, but I still feel weird about it. I feel like I've been walking on eggshells all the time. I don't upset her or get blamed for making it a big deal, but she makes things very awkward and she's constantly trying to center the attention and conversation on her. I'm not the only person who has seen this and feels as weird as a few of my friends also feel very uncomfortable with her behavior. I'm just the only one who spoke to her about it. They've all said their feelings after everything was laid out so she's aware. I'm beginning to want to leave her out so that we can have fun without feeling uncomfortable by her behavior. So it's the only person she's this way with when there's another person joining from the same country as Joey who didn't cave into her questions. I love Liz and she's practically my sister but her behavior is absolutely inappropriate to me and just gives me the egg. Especially since she's married with children, I feel like I don't know who she is right now and it's extremely unsettling or I'm making the big deal and am I a dazzle? I don't think you're making the big deal. I think, I don't know, that's a really weird thing because it feels like it's very like mushy and it's all about emotions and feelings. I would say if you can't call out your friend for something as she's not listening or she's moving mad, then that's not really your friend to begin with. I think there's certain things that I like can make a break a friendship. I don't think this is a make up break a friendship situation. It's just more so like it cautious. I'm watching how you move. I don't like it. I don't like to figure a shit out and if you don't, I might then just separate myself from this situation and I know people who tend to do that as well so. Is she the hassle? You guys, let me know. Hassel, I'm sort of you a black girl. Okay, another one. Friend asked me to destination wedding. I said I couldn't afford it and now she's ignoring me. Oh, let us talk about this one. A friend from work asked me to come to her wedding and it's a destination wedding and a bit hard to get to. You can only get there by ferry. I didn't thought much about it. I thought it was closer to a bigger city than lying to RSVP approaches so I start looking into travel cost. Going there for the weekend will cost more than my rent and I would not know anybody at the wedding other than her, the bride. Also, it's pretty remote so I would have nothing to do waiting for the wedding. I apologize that I couldn't go and now I'm getting the cold shoulder. Things like this, I always look at from two angles. First of all, I always don't like when someone invites someone to something that's like an extra leg of the journey. Whenever they're giving you space to figure it out and you take some time, you wait till the last minute and then you say, I can't come. Of course, the person's gonna feel hurt. I feel like, oh, like why didn't she just tell me from the beginning? Also, on the side note today is if I'm ever gonna invite someone to my destination wedding, I'm always gonna at least give people a year and a half, two years to prepare. One, or I'm gonna cover their bill. And also from this conversation, it seems like she's not really a close friend to her because if she's telling you to come to her wedding, but it's not covered and you don't really know anybody at the wedding, then it's okay to just not go. It's not like this is something that people say all the time breaks relationships, that's okay. Girl, more than your rent, please stay in your house and that's totally okay. There's so much drama, especially on girls trips where the girls say, you want this trip, some girl was broke, the other one isn't. It's possible to point out always on this about my finances or their finances. My friends know because I would tell them a lot of the times when I was in college, a lot of my biggest issues with fights were always when I wasn't upfront with my friends about something. Oh, we all want to wear this outfit. I can't afford it. Oh, we want to go to this trip. Oh, we want to go on this trip. I can't afford it. Oh, we need to do this. I can't afford it. And I'm not shy about it. If you're my friend, either tell me okay. I understand and get something cheaper or say I respect it. We're going to have fun without you. And that's okay too because I can go. What's funny is the one time I said I couldn't go and they ended up paying for my trip out there, look at who ended up getting pushed out of a car in Miami because I was trying to follow the leader. Never again, if I can't afford something, I'm staying in my house. Okay, friendship breakups is the last one I'm going to talk about. Ladies, can we talk about friendship breakups? I feel so alone. My best year 15 plus years broke up in 2020 and I'm honestly still not over it. Mainly because to this day, I have no idea what happened. I think that closure and it was a slow drift, the worst kind of breakup. I have so much sadness and resentment we did everything together and we took very long vacations. So all my memories are with her. We've been to over 20 countries together. I'm also struggling to move on because we share pretty close friend group. There are six of us and the other four also don't know what happened and haven't chosen sides. Just a little to one, I'll close into the other and the two are sort of in the middle. And to introduce her to all these girls, two's that also adds to the sting. I feel like they were my friends too. So I resent her for keeping them but wanting me out of her life. I'm just so sad. Can anyone relate? And yes, I've tried to talk to her about this many times. And everything was always fine and nothing is wrong. One of the biggest things that hurt my soul is when people don't communicate about something and just say everything's fine. We'll be clarity on nothing's fine. Like we know. We know me and you both know we've been friends for 15 years that there's something that's shifted. I don't wanna talk about it. Honestly, in this situation, I've been through that too. And honestly, one person always has to leave the group or the group has to break up. And that's such a hard thing to say but that's really what it is. Or just accepting that like, she doesn't rule the friend group. It's your friend group too. And accept the relationship and mourn the loss while also just trying to stick around so your friends were there. I tried to do that when I lost a bunch of my friends and just tried to maintain a relationship but I realized, oh, you're actually just not my friends. I'm not so okay and I moved on from it. It was hard. I think friendship breakups are sometimes really, really hard and very much harder than relationship breakups sometimes. Honestly, the only way to get over it is to get through it. So I think for the most part, I just say, if you can't have the conversation with her, allow your friends understand that, hey, I still feel like something going on here. I wanna respect her boundaries and just not communicate with her. I would respect if you guys do the same thing. If you wanna hang out with me and be my friend, we can still do that but otherwise, I'm gonna leave it as it. I don't think we would do that. Like communicate and say that. And I think that's the easiest thing to do. If we're in a group of six, one of them is not talking to me. It makes sense to go to people, even when the sixth person is there, hey, I just wanna let you know, I feel like there's an issue with me in this person. This person does not like me. I can get that. I don't think you've said there's nothing wrong, but even if there's not, I want you to understand that. Because of that, there's some issue in the group. I would like you guys to understand that. I don't have any issues, but if I do have if there's an issue and there's something to talk about, I need you to just respect my boundaries and say, I don't wanna speak around this person. Still don't invite me to stuff. Do all these things, we just understand that. It's a dynamic here that we all need to be respectful of. End of story. I think that's always helped me because then that we all your friends are cognizant of it and no one is like walking around on excels. But yeah, guys, that is the end of today's episode. My mouth was yapping today. That was our first solo episode of My Too Loud with Selfie. We're back to the New York conversation. I think just navigating the creator's space and the friendship space in New York has been a lot for me. My head has been itching me this entire episode. And I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do and I think one of the biggest things I'm learning is just gonna choose me. I'm gonna choose myself always every simple time. The only thing you can do ever for yourself is choose yourself and champion yourself and love yourself. And so we're gonna see what ends up happening with me. I'm gonna keep you guys posted, of course, but I'm so excited for next week's episode. It's gonna be a crazy one. Don't forget to send me your comments on the website. I'm MyTooLoud.com and thank you again for the love in the last episode. I hope you guys love this one too. And I'll see you guys in my next video. Bye, guys. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪