LET'S TALK ABOUT WHY I DON'T WANT KIDS... | AITL?! EP 55

Today's episode is about miscarriage, abortion, grief, and reproductive choice. This is one of the most personal things I've ever had to share, and I am absolutely terrified that I'm about to do this. So if you need to pause, breathe, or come back later, please do. And if this is your story too, I want you to know from the beginning, you're not dirty, dramatic, selfish, broken, or alone. You're simply a woman. Happy Women's History Month, and let's get into this video. Hey out, fam. Welcome back to every time I start this podcast, I always go to my vlog intro, instead of my podcast intro, every single time. Welcome to a mind-to-loud podcast. Welcome back to a mind-to-loud podcast with Sophie, aka the mother-fricking oddity. This might actually be one of the scariest episodes I've ever had to record, and I don't even know where to start from. I feel like my chest is in my coach at this point. And this is crazy because I think the closest to this episode would be the What If I Was Gay episode, and the second one would be the episode I did with my mom, my African mom, and you might be wondering why now? First of all, it is Women's History Month, and I feel like I wanted to end the month. Speaking about something that affects a lot of women, and second of all, honestly, I was watching a Call Her Daddy episode with Kerry Washington, and during that episode, why is my heart beating so fast? Oh my god. During that episode, they talked about abortion, abortion rights, women's choice, and I remember sitting there and watching Kerry talking about her choice. Alex Cooper talking about sort of abortion in that sense. And I realized I really don't know if black women talk about abortion. I don't know if African women talk about abortion. I don't know if more women talk about abortion and miscarriages. And this is something that seems like something shameful. It feels like something that women are shamed of. It feels like something that a lot of women are terrified to talk about. And what better place to talk about this than on a podcast called Am I Too Loud? Because there's certain episodes when I start to film, I go, this might be the episode where people are going to be like, yes, Sophie, you are absolutely too loud. And I'm okay with that because I signed up for this. And I'm not nervous about the backlash or I'm not nervous about the outcome. What I am nervous about is that women who are like me who have gone through this, women who have thoughts like this, women who have been through situations like this might read some terrible, terrible comments, and might feel shame, might feel targeted, might feel insulted. I'm not worried about me. I'm worried about them. I'm worried about young people who might see judgmental people in the comment section and we have to read harsh things about themselves or about you know, the situation. And so I hope, and I feel like I've built a community enough online that people engage with this conversation with care, with love, with support, with intention. Because it shouldn't be brave to talk about abortion. It shouldn't be brave to talk about miscarriages because it's a very, very, very, very, very, huge aspect of womanhood in a sense. So let's talk about it. First of all, did you know that one in four women have experienced a miscarriage in the world? One in four women. And that number is actually even more with black women, especially those who don't have access to reproductive health. And did you know that about 15.4% out of a thousand women have had abortions? And I said this stat because I want you guys to understand how normal that is. Okay. I'm going to tell you the story about the time I got pregnant. But before I tell you that story, I'm going to tell you that young Sophie, when she was growing up, saw her mother who had 20 plus siblings and her dad had about 11 kids. And she really wanted nine children. I would tell myself I want to trip less, trip less twins in one because growing up in a black society, for me, having children was the norm. Like it felt like all my aunties and my moms and everybody just, they just popped out kids. Everybody had a child. Everybody had five kids. Everyone had four kids. I think that, yeah, everybody in my immediate family, every woman in my immediate family, I think maybe had four plus kids. And the ones who didn't have four, I think my mom had the smallest amount, which is two, me and my brother. And that's because she started having children pretty late in life. She had me when she was 37. Besides that, most of her siblings all had like four, five, six, seven kids, especially within the African society. So for me, it was super normal. So anytime anyone asked me how many kids I wanted, I would say, oh, I want nine kids. I want trip less, trip less twins in one. And I want that kid, the one to be my best friend, because the rest would have each other. I would always say that. No one could tell me differently. So I don't remember a lot of this story. And I think that's pretty important to bring up, because I think based on the trauma of the situation, I never fully recovered from it. I don't, I feel like that's a part of my life that I genuinely erased. And I say that because I think last month, February was the anniversary of what happened. And I got, you know, you know, snap chats, that bloody app. That's the app that always brings you all the memories you do not freaking want. And I remember I just saw a video of me crying in my snapchat memories. And I was like, Oh, what is this? And I click on it. And I was like, Oh my God. This was the day that happened. And it brought back a rush of emotions to me that I didn't even expect to have. So I was in a relationship when I got pregnant. And I wouldn't necessarily say we're practicing safe sex, but we were. I, I believe I had just gotten off birth control because I was having really, really terrible, really, really terrible reactions to my birth control. And because someone who had no understanding of birth control of having kids, none of that, I just knew I had to get off birth control, but I was still pressed in safe sex. But it wasn't something that was planned at all. I mean, I was young enough to understand the consequences of my actions, but I was not old enough to bear those consequences. Let's say that. So I remember my best friend. I remember feeling like something was up. I remember feeling like my body wasn't mine. And that might feel dramatic to a lot of people, but that's what I felt like. And I remember calling my best friend and telling her I think I'm pregnant. And if anyone knew Sophie then, this was a shock. Now for some background, if you're new here and you've never listened to the podcast and your nosy ass is probably listening to this because you either sort of clip online or someone has been talking about it. For context, I come from a very religious, very, I wouldn't say strict background, but strict enough that it would have been the worst thing in the world for me to be pregnant out of wedlock. This is a fact. It would have been the worst thing in the world. Everything they thought about me would have been true. And I remember when I kind of started feeling like this might be the case. Knowing for a fact, I did not have support. I would never in a million years have thought to call my mom to share that news with her. And this is something that I would forever regret only because I think if I do ever have kids in the future, I would never want my daughter to go through what I did alone. So I remember that when I called my best friend, we did the test together. I remember I was in my bathroom with my apartment then and we did the test and I saw the line and said pregnant. And I immediately felt like my entire world was over. And I can't begin to tell you how I was feeling. I can't begin to explain to you why that to me felt like everything that people knew about me would be true. Which is crazy to think about because I was such a good kid. Such a good kid besides being very vocal and transparent about my interest in curiosity in life. But from a black Muslim background, you know, being a good kid has a lot more of a higher expectation than normal. So I remember telling my best friend that, okay, well, shoot. This is what's happening. What do we do? And I'll be transparent with you that for someone who wanted nine kids. I knew I had to start early. So I wasn't totally sure about what I was going to do. I wasn't sure. I knew I wasn't alone in the decision I was going to have to make. But I also knew I was because in my mind, I would be the one that would have to go through whatever it is that experience was going to be. And so for me, thinking about it, thinking about it from now, that choice of whether or not to have an actual baby felt so big, it felt so big. And I just, I just wasn't sure. I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure if I wanted to. I wasn't sure if I had the time for it. I wasn't sure if I was mentally ready. I wasn't sure if that was the story I wanted for myself. I mean, I just, I didn't know. I didn't, I didn't even think, I was someone who wasn't even eating three times a day. How am I going to remember if you had to someone else? Well, I remember that I had to make that decision myself. And thankfully, I had a partner at the time who was very much adamant that this is your choice and this is one you have to make. So I thought about it. I was like, do I go ahead and, you know, have this abortion? Or do I keep the baby? And I remember my first appointment. And I remember crying my entire way going there because I genuinely, genuinely wasn't sure what my decision was. Thankfully, I lived in a state in America where I could make the decision of whether I know I could keep the baby or not keep the baby. That is crazy that I could have had a baby. Um, if I remember going to my appointment and, um, seen the doctor and they did the test to confirm that I was pregnant and then they did some more tests. And throughout that test, I remember still thinking what's going to happen? What's going to happen? What do I, what is my decision going to be? Am I ready for this? Am I not ready for this? And I would never understand if it was luck or if it was the universe. If it was, I don't know what it was. But the doctor came back into the room and said, um, you know, you're pregnant, you're pretty early on. And what do you want to do? And I remember going, can I think about it? And the doctor said, okay. And so I was like, thank you very much. I, um, um, I left and I think I spent about a week or two weeks thinking about it. Um, I don't remember those two weeks. I don't, I don't remember those two weeks. I don't remember talking to anyone. I remember I cried every single day and I simply remember that my body didn't feel like mine anymore. It felt like I had such a weight on my shoulder. It felt like I, I absolutely, absolutely had to make the right decision, but it was nobody else's choice but mine. And then one day I was sitting on the couch and um, I felt a little bleeding and I went into the bathroom and it felt like, oh, this feels like my period. So I quickly go into the doctors again and I'm like, I just got some bleeding. I'm not sure what's going on. And for someone who was so torn about the prospect of whether or not to keep a child hearing the words, you know, you're having a miscarriage would forever change my psyche because immediately I thought, what did I do wrong? Is this my fault? Is it because I wasn't sure? And I know now that these are questions that a lot of women ask themselves throughout the process because there is just, it's just so normal, but we never really hear women talk about it. And so I was told I was having a miscarriage. And so I was told that I was having this miscarriage and I would simply just have to wait it out. And yo, when I tell you, I have never felt pain like that in my life. I have been through some shit guys. Oh, yo, I have been through so much shit. And I had never felt pain like that in my entire life. I remember going back home and having to sit in the bathroom and having to just bleed and bleed and bleed. And it felt like my body literally was rejecting this. My body literally was rejecting me and my wants and my desires. I didn't even know if I wanted to or desired. It just felt like my body was rejecting this desire that I didn't know if I desired it. It felt like my body was, you know, telling me something, but not telling me anything. I would never forget God, I would never forget how much I blood, how much pain I felt, how painful that was. And I've always had some issues with like my, you know, my girly organs in some way. Like my periods are usually painful. Just birth control always affected my hormones. So it just, it was not easy. I wanted to emphasize that this was not easy. And I remember the pain just felt like it was too much for me that I had to actually go in. And they also, the doctor had to go in to my, and I said, this is all so such a blur to me. I feel like I just was looking through tears the entire time, going as well to scrape out the rest of the tissue. I believe as well. And I would never forget it was a white old man. A white old doctor did not say hello to me, did not speak to me. I just had my legs open on that. You know how like they always have your legs open in the doctor's office and the OB-GYN just had my legs open like I was getting a pap smear. This man just went in, he just did his thing, did not say, I hope you're well, did not ask me anything. It felt like I was just another patient. It felt like he didn't care that my world felt like it was falling apart. It felt like he didn't understand the gravity of what I was going through and what I had to do. And having to go through that process in itself and having to still have an abortion because my body was refusing to even miscarry by itself. I can't, I can't begin to explain to you guys how that felt. For many ways, I knew, I know now if I look back at it that I definitely would have gotten an abortion and I would not have kept the baby. This is something that I feel like at the time was really hard for me to come to terms with but I definitely knew that I was not ready and I don't think I would ever have been ready for such a big big big big decision in my life. And so after having to go through that medically induced abortion, I remember going back home and having to bleed again. I remember sitting in that bathroom because I wanted to sit in water and I remember my friends at the time holding my hand, a partner holding my hand asking me if I was okay and I just kept screaming. I kept saying I just wanted it to stop. I just wanted the pain to stop. I just didn't want this anymore. And you know what's crazy? I've had people say that like people who have had abortions and like nothing happened. Like it was just like quick. It wasn't painful. It was just like oh yeah, they blooded a little bit and I was the end of it. And I was like my own just had to be fucking different. Mine just had to like nothing about me had to be soft or demure. It just had to be let me whoop this girl's ass so I can show her that like she I don't know. It just for the universe was trying to punish me for something. That's what it felt like but I know now that that's not true. I can't tell you the amount of grief I felt about the situation. I can't tell you the amount of I can't tell you the amount of pain I was in physically and emotionally but what I can tell you is that through everything I was always grateful that I had a choice. Every single thing that happens to me in that moment I think it would have been a million times worse if the choice was taking away from me. And even though I still didn't technically have a choice. I knew I was in a headspace that I still kind of had a choice. I still had people around me who would have let me decide for myself what happened to my body. And I think that was when motherhood stopped being a dream for me and then understandably so became a risk. And it's something I've never confronted before that the way I was casually able to say, I want nine kids, triplets, triplets, twins and one, now I became. Can I take on such a heavy emotional burden nine times? I couldn't imagine. I couldn't imagine taking it on once. I couldn't imagine taking it on once. Motherhood changed from me after that experience and I want to say it defined my thought process moving forward but it definitely changed my understanding of pregnancy, of motherhood, of choice and of being a woman in a way that nothing else has for a really, really long time. Right now I don't think I want children anymore. I was very adamant after that experience that I didn't want kids anymore. And not because I don't think I would know not be a great mother but because I understand how much women lose, how much they carry, how much they risk, how much they survive. In a way that the people who are controlling women's bodies don't, in a way men would never understand. And for me, that is why I'm so vocal and I really feel like I wanted to talk about this particular topic on this channel and in this episode because being a woman requires such a strength, such a strength, such courage that when that choice is taking away from us, it is so debilitating, so immoral, so wicked. Because you, if you are not a woman or if you're not a person who is able to carry a pregnancy, you should never be able to speak on what that woman can do with her body, end of fucking story, end of fucking story. So that is my story about the time that I went through an abortion or a miscarriage, a miscarriage and an assisted abortion, whatever you want to call it. I know so many women in my life who've had abortions and I also know women who've had miscarriages and I remember every conversation I have with them is oftentimes always shrouded in shame and there's something we don't talk about, especially miscarriages because it does happen to so many women and there's something you can't control. It's something that you are oftentimes sort of powerless against is just something, it's just something that happens naturally for a lot of women and at the same time I understand women who choose to have abortions because of how drastic of a life change it is to welcome a life into the world and be the one person who's going to have to be a mother to that life in a way that nobody else can ever understand and a few thoughts around abortions specifically. The amount of people I know who've gone through unsafe abortions is terrifying, especially young African women. Like I remember growing up and hearing the stories about young women using hangars and getting pills next door and having people like invade their privates just to get an abortion, how some mothers would never know that their daughters are doing this. I've heard so many stories, especially in America now with all the laws being passed as well, especially Nigerians who, which is where I come from as well, how many young girls have to hide and what I will say to that is abortion when it's not legal is far more dangerous than when it is legal because the extents people have to go to sort of go through that process. It's so crippling, it's so unsafe, it's so unsafe, it's so unsafe and the conversations around women's bodies is always always always when people just want to take the choice away from them and in the call her daddy episode of Kerry Washington, I don't Alex interviewed a man one time and she was just like what if men just had vasectomies and that way when you're ready to you know have a baby you get with a partner you have your child wouldn't that make the world easier and usually when men are confronted by they're like oh my god no how dare you did it and then I'm like isn't that crazy how when the conversation about choice and bodily autonomy is flipped to the man it becomes how dare you question that shouldn't be radical thoughts that simply should be fact that should not be radical thoughts at all and if people really cared about whether or not women should have a choice with having children there will be less children in the world who are going through what they're going through there's so many kids who are homeless who are in foster care who have parents who are just not responsible there's so many teen pregnancies there's so many who have had to carry pregnancies out of that would burn out of sexual assault out of rape there's so many women you know my story Bobby and sexually assaulted I cannot imagine a world where I would have had to carry that fucking bastard's baby I cannot imagine a world where I would have had to live with that in my life I cannot imagine a fucking world where that was my story and I am so glad I was not in that position but I know so many fucking women who who were in that position who are in that position and it is so frightening so I'm gonna read off some stats about 73 million induced abortions take place worldwide each year and 45% of those are unsafe the WHO also says lack of safe timely affordable respectful abortion care is a public health and human rights issue in the US alone access now depends heavily on state law over 13 states have total abortion bans and many others impose gestational bans in Nigeria abortion law remains highly restrictive and is generally permitted only to save a woman's life in Kenya because I have a bunch of folks from Kenya as well that listen to the podcast the constitution allows abortion in limited circumstances including when emergency treatment is needed in Canada abortion is legal and regulated as a medical procedure though access still varies from province to territories in Canada abortion is legal and regulated as a medical procedure though access still varies by province and territory in England and Wales the standard legal limits is 24 weeks with limited exceptions with limited exceptions later in pregnancy I am pro choice because I have lived inside the fragility of what it means to be a woman I am pro choice because I can't imagine a world where that choice is taken away from me I'm also sharing this because I really really really really really really really hate that we women coward when speaking about something that happens to us that we should have control over because it is our bodies and if I could be one more voice in the conversation around abortion rights and around the knowledge of miscarriages then rightfully so I know what it means to carry pain privately while the world debates my pain publicly I remember when I was talking to a friend about potentially you know actually getting an abortion and she shared that oh she's had two abortions but nobody knew I remember the shock of I didn't even know you went through that and she said well nobody did and the amount of women who have had to have that much of a deep experience by themselves is so isolating like I I know my mom doesn't know this and she's gonna hear this now and I wonder where her reaction actually is gonna be but also hope she understands that I couldn't tell her so many young girls can't open up to whether this their sisters to their mothers to their aunties because of the shame so many friends of mine have gone through miscarriages silently because of the shame so many women suffer depression postpartum depression even so many suffer shame shame shame fucking shame shame is such a tool to control women every single time it's always shame it is always shame it is always shame women should have a sane her body full stop period and for women's history month and my too loud is extremely extremely proud to stand in support of women's rights in support of abortion rights in support of women's choices with their body and in support of women doing what they want with their bodies um that is my story um oh this is something that I never thought I would share but I remember just listening to Kerry Washington talk about this on the podcast and feeling like this is something that I wanted to talk about too um I've never been pregnant after that I made sure of it ah you I would say you so much I made sure of it I made sure I made sure oh you know I made sure um but I'm really grateful for the support I ended up having shut us my best friend for being there my partner at the time for being there for me shut us if people in my life who knew about this and it's so funny because I think subconsciously now that I think about all my friends who've been through whether it's abortions or miscarriages how extra I am to make sure they understand nice totally normal because in a world that constantly tells women what they're going through isn't normal I want to be the one person who will constantly tell them that it's pretty normal and I'm curious to see what the reception to this episode would be um but I'm also really really excited for the conversation this could open up to more African women needs to talk about miscarriages and how common it is so more women who are trying to have beautiful beautiful babies don't feel like failures um when that doesn't happen in the first second and third try because motherhood is such a blessing and birthing and going through birth you are literally going through if you see guys see that girl with the list on TikTok so women lose their fucking teeth while pregnant they lose hair they lose their vision some people lose their lives lives all lives while pregnant it is not just a walk in the fucking park some women it is but for a lot a lot a lot a lot of women it is not a walk in the park women who don't want kids shout out to y'all for women who want kids shout out to y'all for when who aren't sure shout out to y'all just never forget your bodies your choice it is absolutely normal whatever you decide around your body and if you're a woman who's ever gone through a miscarriage one in five women one in five women has I've gone through the same thing and they might not tell you they might not know it but I hope to god that we get to a point in life where more women come out and share their stories and the word abortion and miscarriages are meant with are in meant with such shame anymore because the process of birth is terrifying enough for us to shame women for doing what's best for them and their bodies thank you guys for so much for watching am I too loud the podcast I'm going to put so many resources for as many countries that I know watch the podcast in the caption around just reproductive health support happy women's history month we're back to regular scheduled program next week I'm doing a fun episode so if you're someone who just caught my episode by this video then welcome to the my love pod fam nothing is off limits on the podcast and um good luck to me in the comment section I'll need it bye guys see you next episode